Tag Archives: validation

Making sense

24 Feb

The other night, my mom was blowing me off and I felt unloved and insignificant.  It sent me down, but not into an emotional spiral like it would have in the past.  I was trying to cope with it and the ensuing feeling of loneliness and insignificance.  I texted my sister to see about going over to see her and the dog, but she had a meeting to go to and since I had just been crying and emotional, I didn’t want to go with just her husband and the dog.  20 somethings friend was at the closer college for chemistry club so I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up for ice cream, after club ended.  I was still feeling sorta desperate and even put a status update on my Facebook, even though it was my “lesser” Facebook.

It ended up me and 20 somethings friend met at Baskins and Robbins for ice cream, I had mentioned something about my mom.  I was mostly over it by now, but he said something I perceived as insensitive and invalidating to the effect of your parents don’t owe you anything.  I didn’t want to argue.  I didn’t want it to effect me too much so we quickly changed topics and I tried not to think about it.

But like usual I dwell.  And he often makes similar comments and I know he’s not trying to hurt me feeling or invalidate my experience, that’s just how he is.  At counseling today I mentioned it and my case manager hit it on the head.  He puts things in an intellectual world.  And we could have had an intellectual debate on how technically your parents don’t owe you anything and examples and so on and so forth.  But I was in my emotional state.  And he doesn’t really go there often so when I do say thing and am upset he goes with an intellectual or in DBT term rational mind response and I feel invalidated, because he doesn’t validate those emotions like wise mind would.  I don’t think it’s my place to tell him that and I don’t think he’d take it well either.  But it’s a good realization to have, he’s not insensitive just stuck being rational.

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28 Dec

 When I’m sad, I don’t want someone to tell me about how “it gets better.” And that I need to “move on.”  I need someone to tell me it’s okay to be sad, and that me feelings are validated. I don’t need someone to tell me about how much happier I could be, I NEED someone to HOLD ME and tell me that I’ve been strong and that its OKAY  to sometimes NOT BR OKAY.

Resources: DBT Worksheets

3 Nov

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How to Validate

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Option Analysis Worksheet

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IP Skills

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IP Effectiveness side 1    IP Effectiveness side 2

On invalidation

14 Oct

Invalidation can be so hurtful. But on the same token validation can be so comforting.

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There have certainly been times in my life where people have questioned my ability to do certain activities. Some people have told me I was being “too sensitive,” behaving “like a victim,” and more.

There have also been times where people likely meant to be encouraging. “You can do it!” “Fake it ’til you make it!” “You just need to believe in possibility.” “Step up, I’ve seen you do it before!”

I have come to recognize that both kinds of statements have the potential be invalidating. Someone telling me to keep going when I had little resources or capacity to continue was not helpful. Even positive encouragement has sometimes across as dismissive, not taking the time to full acknowledge my experience. In retrospect, it’s a bit like, “I know you meant well, but did you really hear what I was saying?”

I have also realized that it’s fairly easy to…

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All mixed Up

18 Sep

I had counseling this morning.  I tried on Wednesday to get into to see her because I knew I was going down hill fast.  My dad’s stupid comment was really set me off Tuesday night and I’ve never seemed to recover.  The feelings or lack of them is not about the comment anymore.  Most of it has to do with planning for the future, I keep just going back to giving up and dying instead.  Dying would be much easier than living.  Easier than taking risks.  Easier than putting myself out there.  And easier than the changes I want to make in my life.  My case manager says I’m all “doom and gloom” right now and not to worry about it or have so much internal pressure about it, she suggested setting a date to write the personal statement and if I didn’t then that was fine too.  I explained to her that part of my reason for doing it so quickly (next year) is because 20 somethings friend is also transferring next year.  We discovered earlier in therapy that if I go on a short trip, I don’t feel like people are leaving or abandoning me- even though we’re apart; mostly because it is on my terms.  That’s part of why I’m feeling the pressure to do it next year, as I think I won’t feel left behind as much.  I mentioned my schools I was interested in, she liked the idea of UC Berkeley but I’m not sure I could get it.  I need to check out why the put a hold on my transcripts at one of the schools and when transfer reps will be there.  It’s so hard right now and I feel like I’m doing it alone.  I don’t know why, I’m guessing people don’t want to feel responsible if I attempt this and fail and have another breakdown.  My case manager thinks I’m very brave for doing it and how she always is amazed by when and how I choose to address major issues in my life.  It doesn’t seem so amazing to me.  And when I’m in the darkness, I can’t see the progress that everyone is telling me I’m making.  I don’t want to be in the darkness and I’m trying to struggle my way out.  After explaining to my sister last night how I felt abandoned and angry at her and my case manager for not coming through when I asked for help.  I got a different response today, as she texted to see if things were any better.  I wish I felt on stable ground with all these decisions coming up.  I wish I had a set of cheerleaders backing me up and telling me I can do this.  I understand needing to be able to do things on your own, and I can (even if sometimes I pretend I can’t) but someone please reassure/validate me.

Conversations with my sister

13 Sep

Friday I spent a lot of the day hanging out with my sister and told her my realization about my problems with communicating with people, mainly dad’s aggressive and scares me and mom was (not so much anymore) neglectfrul and uninterested.  I think my sister functions pretty well in the world, she has none of the struggles that I have really; but we grew up in similar environments at least at home.  She gets frustrated when I downplay the effect our childhood had on me and that “it couldn’t have been that bad.”  One of the things I really wish I could change was my lack of confidence and self doubt.  It rules my life.  Right now I’m thinking I’m not good enough to trasfer to another college.  I’ll have another breakdown and get worse.  It won’t work out because of my mental health needs and insurance struggles.  My parent won’t like the idea, I have enough to fund it for a little while but just knowing they disapprove or disagree may be enough for me not to try.  I looked at the questions for the personal statements which are needed for the UCs I applied to.  One is why I chose my major and I don’t think I could make that into 500 words.  I like it, I think it’s interesting.  I don’t know how I can fluff those two sentences up.  The only thing I can think of is it asks you about hardships and stuff and I can relate in how college and specifically language classes help manage my illness and motivate me.  But my mental illness isn’t all I am and I don’t know if all the questions revolved around that what admissions people would think.  Since a lot of the UCs I’m applying to have an LGBT minor I will throw in my gayness story and why I think that’s important.  I wish the state school, the one I really want to go to had an option for a personal statement… I think I could ace that and it’s give me a better chance to get in.  But all they look at is your grades, or so academic advisers have told me.  Now that I’m iffy on this tranfer thing I’ll need more of a push.  My sister thinks it’s a good idea but thinks my meds are messed up and that should be worked out first (won’t be happening) but she also think I can do anything I set my mind to, which I agree with but at what cost.  I need to ask my case manager about it but she’s been gone for a work confrence so I won’t see her till Friday unless it’s an emergency and then she’ll see me whenever.  But I don’t think this is an emergency.  I wish I could talk to my sister more, she generally improves my mood but she has her own life.  She’s also worried about my support system if I leave and so am I.  Somethings are on target and some we disagree on.  But at least she gets me and lets me be me.

Protected: Oddly Comforting

23 Mar

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Poem: A simple gesture

8 Dec

A simple gesture
An invite out
A hug
Ice cream
Someone to vent to
A shoulder to cry on
Reassurance
Someone to hold me tight
A blog like or comment
A compliment
Validation
A simple gesture
Can mean the world to someone.

Protected: Blood

9 Oct

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Protected: Trance like states

16 Sep

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