Tag Archives: unstable

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me.  I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life.  I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable.  And roundy round goes the pattern.  I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now.  I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

8 Jan

I don’t remember sleeping last night, but I don’t remember being awake either.  My head feels creepy right now.  I didn’t end up taking pm or night meds last night.  I just took the morning ones and I hope they even me out a little.

Don’t let the thoughts control you

22 Oct

I haven’t yet got around to doing a summary or update from when I was in the hospital, but I will get to it soon.  Today I am over-analyzing/worrying/stressing about a couple of things.

The main thing is whether my psychiatrist will keep me, or better yet allow me, to stay on the meds that were added in the hospital.  He thinks meds don’t really work for me other than a placebo effect for a small window of time.  I feel a little better since Sunday but now I got that self-doubt (along with constantly reinforced invalidation) and thinking this is all in my head or worse yet it’s working but my psychiatrist will take me off it because he thinks it’s all in my head.  I have enough meds for a month so I know I shouldn’t be worrying, but it will be one appointment that will make the decision.  I don’t want to be on tons of meds, but I have to be able to function.  Before I was just barely getting by, now it’s not much better than that but a little.

Another thing is the Disneyland trip I’m taking this weekend and stressing about having fun even though I may not be able to be in control the whole time.  I just gotta tell myself that I need to have fun, this vacation was my idea and to celebrate my accomplishments and birthday.

The last is with my 20 something’s group.  Facilitator elections are coming up and I’ve been going back and forth on whether to run or not.  We don’t really have enough people to run so there’s pressure there.  I like group and would probably enjoy facilitating but my mental status is so unstable right now and I want to try to make the decision when I am as clear headed as possible.

Hopefully by writing this out it will stop circling around in my head.

Nature, Nurture, Trauma and Abuse Part 2

11 Aug

This is another post related to this one regarding my thoughts on the “nature vs nurture” debate, and you can find it here.  This second part in about my personal experiences regarding “nature vs. nurture” as especially relating to trauma and abuse.

My opinion is that trauma exacerbates conditions, sometimes triggering a disorder that may have never manifested otherwise.  I have had a number of traumatic events happened in my life and part of that is abuse/neglect I experienced as a child.  I have two younger sisters and we all experienced this abuse/neglect more or less.  Obviously, we were different ages and have different personalities and were each effected differently by it.  My sister has had an optimistic personality and cheery disposition since I can remember, she has experienced the same things I have and even has a more serious perception of its effect than I do but still does not suffer from depression or other disorders I suffer from.  Lil sis has anger issues and I am sure is effected by what went on in our childhood but she functions more or less okay and doesn’t have any diagnosed disorders.  My sister has the least long term effects from childhood, lil sis next, and me the most.  I’ve also since experienced other traumatic experiences they have not and that has compounded the issues.  I doubt I would be free from mental illness if I didn’t have the experiences I’ve had in life, because there is a biological component, but I am confident they wouldn’t be as severe as they are now.

Some people think that abuse and neglect needs to be severe in order to cause serious psychological problems.  Many people think that mere verbal or emotional abuse is not enough.  That neglect is only happening if it is apparent to outside sources.  It is my opinion that emotional neglect or abandonment needs to be studied more as I think it is a strong contributing factor on someone’s psychological well being.  Some (insensitive/ignorant) people also consider physical or sexual abuse only to be damaging if it is severe, touching or the belt are not enough.

As far as my childhood home experiences went it was mostly emotional/physical neglect and emotional and verbal abuse.  Emotional neglect is hard to identify in children and those who experience it have different ways of reacting; lil sis is cold and not emotional, my sister reaches out to everyone to fill the void, and I am suspicious and guarded.  The physical neglect happened at an age where we could care for ourselves more or less, even though we shouldn’t have had to.  And the really bad periods were short lived since they happened during the binge drinking.  With both types of neglect, I grew up thinking my environment was unstable and unpredictable and that I couldn’t trust my parents to help or protect me.  Since I was just a child these views about my environment at home and my relationships with my parents tended to extend out of just those experiences.  If those (parents and home) were suppose to be the best and safest places if I couldn’t trust that I couldn’t trust anything.   I learned early on to take care of myself as well as my sisters and sometimes parents, both physically and emotionally.  I learned you can’t count on anyone but yourself and that belief has been so ingrained in me that even though I know it’s not true in all situations I still can’t let go of it.  I think it’s a pretty universal belief among victims of neglect.  As far as the emotional and verbal abuse went, though me and my sisters were all subject to it- we had different experiences.  Mine was more about being over sensitive, a cry baby, not as good as my sisters in regard to the verbal abuse.  It was my character and personality that was mostly attacked which I couldn’t change and felt powerless over.  The emotional abuse was being used as pawns in my parents arguments, my mom’s blame as us for her problems, and the threats of leaving and committing suicide.  I think me and my sisters experienced that in pretty much the same way.

I think ALL my symptoms are in at least a small way connected to trauma I have experienced, some symptoms more than others obviously.  I am considered to have “severe mental illness” and it was greatly effected by my childhood.  My dad will make passing comments sometimes that if he knew what he did then was going to cause this he wouldn’t have done it.  Which just hits home the point that people think that emotional/physical neglect and emotional and verbal abuse aren’t “that bad.”  It’s not like I was beating the shit out of my kids or that they were raped?  People think, my dad included, that the verbal abuse was going to “toughen me up.”  Parents and caregivers need to understand that just because these types of abuse and neglect aren’t granted as much attention as being detrimental to children that they aren’t any less harmful.  Maybe not all children who have experiences similar to mine will develop the mental health issues I did, my sisters certainly didn’t?  But that DOES NOT make it okay, I know there was damage done to both of them though the effect and severity is different.

It’s been interesting…

24 Aug

It’s been interesting…

I’m unstable but sometimes it’s easy to forget especially when I’m in the “good” area of unstable.  I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster this last week and haven’t really noticed it much until today when I was trying to process the time since my last appointment which was Monday August 13th.  Normally I go at least once a week sometimes more if things are too crazy.  Since life has been so busy lately it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve been there.  I’ll go through a quick review of the days

Monday 8/13/12- Counseling appointment, getting ready for the trip, not really excited about it, numb from self-medicating the day before.

Tuesday 8/14/12- knowing I’m leaving tomorrow, dad bought me annual pass and I felt guilty, getting bugged about getting ready, local ice cream parlor’s birthday celebration

Wednesday 8/15/12- left for trip in the afternoon, was suppose to be early am my sister was running late as usual and i was frustrated and woke up in a bad mood, thinking the trip may just be a bad idea, feeling guilty.  Had a good time with my sister on the car ride down once we switched cars, got to LA was tired and sick ended up throwing up.

Thursday 8/16/12- went to disneyland and California adventure with Dad and my sister also club 33, relaxed, best day in this sequence.

Friday 8/14/12- went to NAMI confrence, felt extremely overwhelmed and even on the verge of tears at times, also physically sick, also learned some real good information and felt validated about trauma in the past

Saturday 8/15/12- only went to a little of the confrence, dad pressuring me to make a deciscion about switching hotels, in tears when couldn’t find the hotel room, hotel room situation straightened out by my dad, was able to rest and relax by myself for awhile, downtown disney in the evening.

Sunday 8/16/12- parks with dad.  dad also wanting to a bunch of thing on his own,  so spent time seperately, was an okay day

Monday 8/17/12- driving back home, dad in a rush and bad mood, tried to drown out the annoyance with headphones and music, dad complained he could hear the music and that I was running my ears, dad can’t hear well and always asking us to repeat things.

Tuesday 8/18/12- back to reality, suicidal, scissors next to me ready to  cut, realization that things have been up and down, not able to handle full day at confrence fearing school starting, end of day feeling better due to comments on blogs and not feeling as alone and destroying the “should” monster

Wednesday 8/19/12- pick up sister and brother-in-law from airport needed to stay up late to do it, played farmville a lot of the day, dad pressuring me about doing something with the neighbor

Thursday 8/20/12- car battery died, unable to go out most the day so ordered text books online (3 classes over $500), reprimanded by dad for not going out and doing it at the place or doing my business work, on the verge of tears, crying in car with sister in the evening, lil sis comes, more pressure about doing something with the neighbor, pressure to decide about movie night for friday

Friday 8/21/12- woke up in better mood, planning doing something with neighbor and lil sis, maybe movie night, went to do work inventory all messed up one location had to use another’s sheet because we’ve been closed because of the fire, counseling appointment, talked about assertiveness, and balancing or compartmentalizing stress/tasks; found out taking parents to airport in san Francisco tomorrow, will go to movie night.

Counseling review and other stuff-

So at counseling I talked about the general stuff above.  We talked about what was stressing me out and made a list: school starting Monday, physically sick issues needing to be addressed, pressure with neighbor, dad, work, mom and then when they are happening monday, in about two weeks, today and probably on going for a bit, now, now and other stuff work stuff not mentioned that needs to be resolved quickly, and always.  I talked about my professor (math) e-mailing me a syllabus while in so cal that was 11 pages long and stated the absence policy and my fear of not being able to make it to class because of mental issues and being dropped, she seems to think it’s no big deal and whatever happens happens but not so with me since it’s something I enjoy, structure, and makes me feel competent.  Pressure with neighbor frustrating  since dad can’t even see that I’m also suffering possibly more so, my fear of saying no or not now and dealing with the response which brought up the whole assertiveness- this kind of fits in with mom and work also.  Also talked about how some people when having many different areas like that they focus on the easiest and just don’t worry about the rest, or “forget it” and have fun and appologize dumbly later.  I seem to put all my energy into everything and get overwhelmed and upset when disaapointing others.  She talked about being nicer to myself when I can’t do anything and letting others deal with their own problems, being able to say no and the assertiveness.  May sign up for an assertiveness class.  No appointment next week, she will be gone Friday and I have school she said call in needed and we could work out something, otherwise appointment is in two weeks!

Came home and went to lunch with neighbor.  Then decided to do the movie night.  Was on facebook and noticed a NAMI link that led me to another link and another and another.  Got some interesting information on BPD, resources, and treatment.  One a residential program at McLean in New York specializing in BPD.  Incurence doesn’t cover it and it’s 60 day minnimum saty at about $1,000 a day. I know my parents could afford, if they would and if it would help me, or they would even think I’m a good fit; got me thinking.  I don’t think I’m as disordered as I have been in the past but I know BPD has a huge influence in a number of areas in my life including relationships and not being able to hold employment.  Just had me thinking a lot.  Getting ready to go to movie night, lil sis being bossy as usual.  Sounds like tomorrow I’ll be going with lil sis to take my parents to the airport and then hanging around in San Francisco for part of the day.  My parents will be gone till Wednesday and I’ll be staying with my sister and brother-in-law.

I have a lot going on in my head about a bunch of different things that aren’t clear enough to do separate posts on yet.  I’ll still be doing my rest of So cal update, probably not until the end of the weekend.  And looking through I never finished my hospitalization updates either, so I need to get around to that to.