It’s been interesting…
I’m unstable but sometimes it’s easy to forget especially when I’m in the “good” area of unstable. I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster this last week and haven’t really noticed it much until today when I was trying to process the time since my last appointment which was Monday August 13th. Normally I go at least once a week sometimes more if things are too crazy. Since life has been so busy lately it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve been there. I’ll go through a quick review of the days
Monday 8/13/12- Counseling appointment, getting ready for the trip, not really excited about it, numb from self-medicating the day before.
Tuesday 8/14/12- knowing I’m leaving tomorrow, dad bought me annual pass and I felt guilty, getting bugged about getting ready, local ice cream parlor’s birthday celebration
Wednesday 8/15/12- left for trip in the afternoon, was suppose to be early am my sister was running late as usual and i was frustrated and woke up in a bad mood, thinking the trip may just be a bad idea, feeling guilty. Had a good time with my sister on the car ride down once we switched cars, got to LA was tired and sick ended up throwing up.
Thursday 8/16/12- went to disneyland and California adventure with Dad and my sister also club 33, relaxed, best day in this sequence.
Friday 8/14/12- went to NAMI confrence, felt extremely overwhelmed and even on the verge of tears at times, also physically sick, also learned some real good information and felt validated about trauma in the past
Saturday 8/15/12- only went to a little of the confrence, dad pressuring me to make a deciscion about switching hotels, in tears when couldn’t find the hotel room, hotel room situation straightened out by my dad, was able to rest and relax by myself for awhile, downtown disney in the evening.
Sunday 8/16/12- parks with dad. dad also wanting to a bunch of thing on his own, so spent time seperately, was an okay day
Monday 8/17/12- driving back home, dad in a rush and bad mood, tried to drown out the annoyance with headphones and music, dad complained he could hear the music and that I was running my ears, dad can’t hear well and always asking us to repeat things.
Tuesday 8/18/12- back to reality, suicidal, scissors next to me ready to cut, realization that things have been up and down, not able to handle full day at confrence fearing school starting, end of day feeling better due to comments on blogs and not feeling as alone and destroying the “should” monster
Wednesday 8/19/12- pick up sister and brother-in-law from airport needed to stay up late to do it, played farmville a lot of the day, dad pressuring me about doing something with the neighbor
Thursday 8/20/12- car battery died, unable to go out most the day so ordered text books online (3 classes over $500), reprimanded by dad for not going out and doing it at the place or doing my business work, on the verge of tears, crying in car with sister in the evening, lil sis comes, more pressure about doing something with the neighbor, pressure to decide about movie night for friday
Friday 8/21/12- woke up in better mood, planning doing something with neighbor and lil sis, maybe movie night, went to do work inventory all messed up one location had to use another’s sheet because we’ve been closed because of the fire, counseling appointment, talked about assertiveness, and balancing or compartmentalizing stress/tasks; found out taking parents to airport in san Francisco tomorrow, will go to movie night.
Counseling review and other stuff-
So at counseling I talked about the general stuff above. We talked about what was stressing me out and made a list: school starting Monday, physically sick issues needing to be addressed, pressure with neighbor, dad, work, mom and then when they are happening monday, in about two weeks, today and probably on going for a bit, now, now and other stuff work stuff not mentioned that needs to be resolved quickly, and always. I talked about my professor (math) e-mailing me a syllabus while in so cal that was 11 pages long and stated the absence policy and my fear of not being able to make it to class because of mental issues and being dropped, she seems to think it’s no big deal and whatever happens happens but not so with me since it’s something I enjoy, structure, and makes me feel competent. Pressure with neighbor frustrating since dad can’t even see that I’m also suffering possibly more so, my fear of saying no or not now and dealing with the response which brought up the whole assertiveness- this kind of fits in with mom and work also. Also talked about how some people when having many different areas like that they focus on the easiest and just don’t worry about the rest, or “forget it” and have fun and appologize dumbly later. I seem to put all my energy into everything and get overwhelmed and upset when disaapointing others. She talked about being nicer to myself when I can’t do anything and letting others deal with their own problems, being able to say no and the assertiveness. May sign up for an assertiveness class. No appointment next week, she will be gone Friday and I have school she said call in needed and we could work out something, otherwise appointment is in two weeks!
Came home and went to lunch with neighbor. Then decided to do the movie night. Was on facebook and noticed a NAMI link that led me to another link and another and another. Got some interesting information on BPD, resources, and treatment. One a residential program at McLean in New York specializing in BPD. Incurence doesn’t cover it and it’s 60 day minnimum saty at about $1,000 a day. I know my parents could afford, if they would and if it would help me, or they would even think I’m a good fit; got me thinking. I don’t think I’m as disordered as I have been in the past but I know BPD has a huge influence in a number of areas in my life including relationships and not being able to hold employment. Just had me thinking a lot. Getting ready to go to movie night, lil sis being bossy as usual. Sounds like tomorrow I’ll be going with lil sis to take my parents to the airport and then hanging around in San Francisco for part of the day. My parents will be gone till Wednesday and I’ll be staying with my sister and brother-in-law.
I have a lot going on in my head about a bunch of different things that aren’t clear enough to do separate posts on yet. I’ll still be doing my rest of So cal update, probably not until the end of the weekend. And looking through I never finished my hospitalization updates either, so I need to get around to that to.