Today I had my second part of my Autistic Spectrum Disorder Evaluation. It was just one long questionnaire with 344 questions! It almost seemed like a general psych test because there were questions about anger, drugs, alcohol, anxiety, depression, all kinds of stuff. I told him at the end that I had some other diagnoses and some questions were familiar. My appointment to go over the results of all the testing together are July 12th, which seems like a long time away. I’m kinda on board with 20 somethings friend now and feel like I already have a diagnosis but lets see what Kaiser has to say, although it took them forever to figure out the Schizoaffective diagnosis and even longer to find a good medication combination. And I asked the guy what happens and he says he pretty much sends the results to the therapist, so I guess that’s it? I’d be more comfortable asking my case manager about it and using her as an intermediary and I know she can read my file and all the notes too.
The Orlando shooting set off the voices, and that was the post the other day. Luckily it was less than a few hours of psychosis stopped by some extra Latuda I took. I tried to stay away from the news of it on Sunday but it was everywhere, plus the Latuda makes me drowsy. After 3pm the psychosis was gone. I always worry when it onsets again, that this will be the time it doesn’t go away, that this will be the time that I lose control. In this case… that this will be a time I need to be hospitalized and I’ll miss my orientation for transferring and it will screw everything up.
People think I worry too much or to take it one step at a time. But I live on the brink of insanity. I need to be very vigilant.
Things are chaotic right now. Every time I see something about the Oregon community college shooting I’m triggered but at the same time can’t look away. The voices have been back intermittently fighting with each other about mass shootings which makes it hard to concentrate. One voice suggests I kill myself so the other voices won’t convince me to kill others. Note: This is all talk and I have no intention or desire to act out what these voices say, neither is it the first time it’s came up so I do know how to handle it if it gets dangerous. However, what is new this time is the voice about suicide calling me a hero. It’s strange and I’m afraid of scaring people or it being misinterpreted.
Along with the voices, I’ve been incredibly apathetic and feel empty inside. This has lead to my lack of blogging and me wondering if I should stop blogging all together. There seems to be no purpose to anything so I can’t even get motivation to study. And just my luck it’s during midterms week. Sometimes it seems the world is conspiring against me, and I mean this in a non paranoid kind of way.
Anyways, I don’t have much to say.
If you have been the victim of sexual abuse and/or rape odds are you are going to see or hear about it again usually in the media. Personally, I still get triggered by images from movies and TV and news stories, song lyrics don’t bother me but I know they trigger some. My reaction is just to sit through it uncomfortably, sometimes if it’s causing flashbacks or other symptoms I will leave the room. I knew a person who it seems like every time something happened like that she would make a big deal about it and say things like “trigger trigger” and leave the room or viewing area. It annoyed me and it still does thinking about it, but I’m not fond of that person anyways and we all have different ways of dealing with our pasts. With me I think it’s still about shame and denial that I don’t want to admit the reason why I need to leave the room. I’d rather just be uncomfortable than reveal that past, plus I think it’s awkward. So anonymous poll, whether you have or have not experienced it what would or do you do. You can choose multiple answers.
i decided to get some more Latuda that I had run out of and its a good thing I did. Turns out my online order still hasn’t been processed or shipped. I guess they are not allowing shipment of Latuda because it’s too expensive. I guess that’s why viibryd won’t ship either. Here’s the receipts:
I’m dropping off 20 somethings group slowly. I deleted my fb account with my friends and am only keeping the one tied to my blog. I need to be aware of my triggers, especially when not on all my Meds. Unfortunately this little go has had me realize I won’t be able to move out with the girl from group.
The Back 1 voices didn’t really have triggers in that they were constant. I guess different events would trigger the content of the voices. These voices could be neutral or narrating, sometimes supportive and rarely demeaning. Often the voices were neutral or narrating just what was going on around me. Come to think of it even when they were being supportive or demeaning it had to do with something in the environment triggering it. Them agreeing or disagreeing with others or even the back 2’s, if they were happening simultaneously. Sorry my head is not very clear tonight, maybe I’ll elaborate on this in an edit tomorrow.
Others in the series: