Tag Archives: triggers

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

Protected: Voices and triggers

28 Mar

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ASD Eval Part 2

14 Jun

Today I had my second part of my Autistic Spectrum Disorder Evaluation.  It was just one long questionnaire with 344 questions!  It almost seemed like a general psych test because there were questions about anger, drugs, alcohol, anxiety, depression, all kinds of stuff.  I told him at the end that I had some other diagnoses and some questions were familiar.  My appointment to go over the results of all the testing together are July 12th, which seems like a long time away.  I’m kinda on board with 20 somethings friend now and feel like I already have a diagnosis but lets see what Kaiser has to say, although it took them forever to figure out the Schizoaffective diagnosis and even longer to find a good medication combination. And I asked the guy what happens and he says he pretty much sends the results to the therapist, so I guess that’s it?  I’d be more comfortable asking my case manager about it and using her as an intermediary and I know she can read my file and all the notes too.

The Orlando shooting set off the voices, and that was the post the other day.  Luckily it was less than a few hours of psychosis stopped by some extra Latuda I took.  I tried to stay away from the news of it on Sunday but it was everywhere, plus the Latuda makes me drowsy.  After 3pm the psychosis was gone.  I always worry when it onsets again, that this will be the time it doesn’t go away, that this will be the time that I lose control.  In this case… that this will be a time I need to be hospitalized and I’ll miss my orientation for transferring and it will screw everything up.

People think I worry too much or to take it one step at a time.  But I live on the brink of insanity.  I need to be very vigilant.

Triggering

4 Apr

I think I pegged what is triggering these hypomanic episodes: the stress of trying to organize the social event of the NAMI Walk, along with the on going unknown of the ASD evaluation plus the grief of not being able to attend San Diego State University and it’s nearing the end of the semester.  That’s enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

Sometimes life is so frustrating

16 Dec

I know that I have a lot of issues and most of them are modge-podged.  When I get stressed out of triggered, different symptoms present themselves.  It’s frustrating because it seems like to me there is something underneath that needs to be processed, but I don’t know what it is or how to access it.  So I continue to do damage control when the symptoms surface.  Living life seems to be about crisis management and I’m sick of it.  But I don’t know what to do.  I can’t “pick” something arbitrary and not know if it is it or not.  Also I get the impression that if there is something to work on or process, it’s about doing only that thing and working on only that!  I have 4 diagnosable mental illnesses and many of symptoms that aren’t prevalent enough to have a current diagnosis of them.  It’s like working on the voices, even that there are 4 sets of voices (if you count the externals)!  Everything seems so insurmountable!

Yesterday I took the extra Latuda because one of the main things that was bothering me was the voices.  It was two of the sets along with how I was reacting to what they were saying.  I put on my loud music and just tried to drown them out, I haven’t had to do that since starting the Latuda almost two years ago.  I know there was triggers and multiple of those too.  My question is do I even bother bringing it up in counseling Friday.  Part was trigger from a news story on FB, it being finals time, family issues (including feeling like it was left up to me to celebrate her birthday since everyone else had plans) and random past PTSD things.  Along with the voices I was getting visions too, which I guess can be explained as flashes of a scene as an visual hallucination, they go away pretty fast less than 30 seconds usually.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to have to increase my daily dosage of Latuda.

Sometimes life is so frustrating.

I feel like I should say something

7 Oct

Things are chaotic right now.  Every time I see something about the Oregon community college shooting I’m triggered but at the same time can’t look away.  The voices have been back intermittently fighting with each other about mass shootings which makes it hard to concentrate.  One voice suggests I kill myself so the other voices won’t convince me to kill others.  Note: This is all talk and I have no intention or desire to act out what these voices say, neither is it the first time it’s came up so I do know how to handle it if it gets dangerous.  However, what is new this time is the voice about suicide calling me a hero. It’s strange and I’m afraid of scaring people or it being misinterpreted.

Along with the voices, I’ve been incredibly apathetic and feel empty inside.  This has lead to my lack of blogging and me wondering if I should stop blogging all together.  There seems to be no purpose to anything so I can’t even get motivation to study.  And just my luck it’s during midterms week.  Sometimes it seems the world is conspiring against me, and I mean this in a non paranoid kind of way.

Anyways, I don’t have much to say.

Protected: Over sensitive to triggers? Making something out of nothing?

19 Aug

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How we react to triggers- Sexual Abuse/Rape

4 Aug

If you have been the victim of sexual abuse and/or rape odds are you are going to see or hear about it again usually in the media.  Personally, I still get triggered by images from movies and TV and news stories, song lyrics don’t bother me but I know they trigger some.  My reaction is just to sit through it uncomfortably, sometimes if it’s causing flashbacks or other symptoms I will leave the room.  I knew a person who it seems like every time something happened like that she would make a big deal about it and say things like “trigger trigger” and leave the room or viewing area.  It annoyed me and it still does thinking about it, but I’m not fond of that person anyways and we all have different ways of dealing with our pasts.  With me I think it’s still about shame and denial that I don’t want to admit the reason why I need to leave the room.  I’d rather just be uncomfortable than reveal that past, plus I think it’s awkward.  So anonymous poll, whether you have or have not experienced it what would or do you do.  You can choose multiple answers.  

I’m really bored and that’s a trigger

23 Jul

I’m bored today/tonight.  Usually I have 20 something’s group but I’ve been feeling so sensitive lately that I decided not to go tonight.  I haven’t made an infinite plan for the future about what to do about group.  But, sadly I can’t handle the left out feeling I get almost every night after we go out after the technical group is over.  I know I should be more mature and this is a me problem.  But it sucks when you feel alone or out of place most everywhere and then you find a group that’s suppose to be inclusive and you feel this way.  I’ll probably start going again, next week or the week after, but just not hanging out afterward.  I thought I made some real friends in that group but it’s looking like more of them were just a surface level friendship and I need to take that or not.

I also de-activated my Facebook for the same reason of feeling like I’m left out.  I don’t know how more to make it apparent I want to be invited places other than just inviting myself, which I won’t do.  People pretend to be like … “oh I’ll let you know” and then never do.  One girl was always like that, if you don’t want to invite me fine but don’t lie about it.  I know I don’t drink and am out of the typical age range so may be I’m just not a good fit.  The LGBT center that puts on this group has a Tuesday Night Ladies Night Out group, so maybe I will try that after I finish DBT.  It just seems so unfair and so much work with having to re-establish yourself and make it into a social circle, especially when you got issues.  Or a meet up group or something.  Now I kind of realize how important people are and how I desire that connection, even though I have hella high standards and walls to break through.  At least I know it.

Now since I know moving out with the girl from 20 somethings group won’t work I’m sort of upset.  I’m trying to re-frame it, maybe I’d like to get a small house in the area so I could be close to my family but still have some independence.  Not sure if I could handle living alone though.  I feel so lonely as it is, and it’s a tough time of the year because I don’t have school to occupy me.  Speaking of school they called and said I need to a education plan or a hold will be put on my registration.  What if I still am not really sure what I want to do?  Back to living alone, I just see myself losing motivation, not getting out of bed, and kinda falling off the planet.  I know I lean that way a lot even living with my parents.  But usually I make some sort of effort, like texting someone or trying to set up a walk with my sister or something.  I wonder if I could withstand that while living alone and really do it for myself.  I’m not sure yet, so I don’t want to take that step yet.

Choices

21 Jul

i decided to get some more Latuda that I had run out of and its a good thing I did. Turns out my online order still hasn’t been processed or shipped. I guess they are not allowing shipment of Latuda because it’s too expensive. I guess that’s why viibryd won’t ship either. Here’s the receipts:


I’m dropping off 20 somethings group slowly. I deleted my fb account with my friends and am only keeping the one tied to my blog. I need to be aware of my triggers, especially when not on all my Meds. Unfortunately this little go has had me realize I won’t be able to move out with the girl from group.