Tag Archives: trauma

I’m okay now

11 Mar

I’m doing okay now.  Really good actually, the best I’ve ever done in my life.  But since the majority of my life I have not done well I always have this feeling that something bad is going to happen or some kind of dread.  Right now it’s a fear/curiosity and those two often don’t go well together.

One of my official diagnoses is PTSD, and I take Prazosin for night terrors.  I’ve started going to a support group in anticipation of leading one in a few weeks and a member was talking about blacking out and night terrors and PTSD related things.  I asked her if she’d tried Prazosin and there was a short conversation.  But it reminds me of how I can relate to so many people.  It reminds me of blacking out and forgetting things I have done.  It reminds me of the dissociating.  And with my PTSD, I’m not completely aware what the trauma is.

In my experience things that aren’t solved always come back

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.


**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**

My coming out story- the gay one

11 Oct

Today is National Coming Out Day.   So I thought I would recount my story.  It started in 2000 my senior year of high school, up till this point I had never had any attraction to boys or girls.  I think it was because I was too focused on surviving and dealing with my largely untreated mental illness.  Anyways, I tried to drop out of school senior year I was extremely depressed and had some kind of falling out with my large circle of friends.  Luckily right before I went on independent study (my mom wasn’t having any of that dropping out) I had made a new friend.  This friend who I’ll refer to as PK, was different from all my friends before.  We developed a real close friendship and eventually something more than that.  Now looking back I can say she was my first love.  Her family (including her) was really religious, her dad was even the pastor.  I had never been exposed to religion before and I liked it.  It started as me just having to go to church with her if I stayed the night on a Saturday night to me becoming a Christian and very involved in the church.  I’m not sure how long our sexual intimacy went on for but I know it was over by 2003 and I’m pretty sure it didn’t begin until 2001 or 2002.  Sadly, due to the trauma of what I’ll mention next along with ECT treatments I don’t remember a lot of the relationship but I can access those longing feelings.

So her parents started to suspect something and set us up in an e-mail.  They ended up having a family meeting with her three younger brothers, one of which was still in elementary school.  Everyone went around and told us how they felt about it, all I remember was being embarrassed and just hoping it’s be over.  Some new ground rules were put into place, we were no longer allowed to spend anytime alone together.  Note: we were both legal adults.  And her mom who did pastoral counseling started seeing me under the assumption that I must have been sexually abused to have these “unnatural feelings.”  I just wanted my friend back so I went along with everything.  I denied who I was and a sense of self loathing and internalized homophobia took place.

I decided to get back on the straight and narrow path and enrolled in a private Christian university where I lived in the dorms.  I joined match.com and soon started dating a guy with a kid.  The only reason the relationship lasted as long as it did was because I like kids and we’d do things as “a family.”  He was constantly pressuring me to have sex and I just abstained saying I was waiting for marriage.  This was kinda true plus I had no sexual desire for him, I was just doing what I was suppose to be doing.

The next part is really hazy but I decided to give in.  We started to have sex and part way through I told him I had changed my mind and I didn’t want to do this.  He didn’t listen, held me down, and that’s how I lost my virginity.  I’m finally able to call this event sexual assault.  Needless to say we broke it off.

My two first relationships were a disaster and I still didn’t know where I stood regarding my sexuality.  I continued to be very involved with various churches and my school’s ministry.  I knew from PKs family what people thought about homosexuality so I never brought up the past and was not looking into dating at all.

PK went to another country to teach English.  Every year she would come back to the states for a couple weeks for vacation.  I usually met up with her and had lunch and we talked about updates of our lives.  In 2005 or 2006 I let her know I thought that I was gay.  She hasn’t really spoke to me since.

By 2008, my life was a mess.  My mental illnesses were getting out of control.  I wasn’t involved in religion anymore, through the church or the university.  I had just had to go on psychiatric disability from work.  I had no friends.  All I had was my family that had stood by me through everything.  Some members of my family are not very accepting of anything different.  If there is an -ist or a -phobia at the end it probably fits them.  I mentioned to my sister that I thought I might be gay and she said something to the effect of you should make sure before saying that, you can’t really go back once you get involved with those people.  I took it as a bad thing, though she assures me now she never meant anything by it.

So I was still in therapy I stopped seeing a christian therapist because she said my only options were to get with a guy and wait for the feelings to come or be abstinent for the rest of my life.  I stopped seeing her in 2006ish after 5 years of weekly appointments.  My new case manager tried to bring up the sexuality topic but I went running each time, so I thought she gave up.  After a hospitalization in 2008 I was sent to IOP where I met a guy I ended up hooking up with.  Again there was no desire other than to be normal.  He turned into a sociopath, that kept bothering me years later.  We had sex once, it was painful and I felt disgusting.

Add another failed attempt at a sexual relationship, even though we were only “fuck buddies.”  Anyways, when he started getting scary I avoided him.  He made some threats and then disappeared.  He reappeared later and ended up posting my phone number on craigs list under some kind of sex ad.  Twice.  Luckily I haven’t heard from him since that last time and hopefully he lost my number.

In December of 2012, an Ad for 20 somethings group came up on my facebook.  I guess I had put interested in women though it was hidden.  I agonized for weeks over that ad and then decided to message them and ask what the group was like and how many people attended.  No response, I thought it was meant to be.  A few months later I got a response and decided to try it out.  With my social anxiety and closetedness I got family friend and another gay friend to go to the first meeting with me.  I told my parents it was a support group.  In January  of 2014, I came out to my parents.  It was awkward and my dad ended up giving the whole “all I want is for you to find a decent man…” speech.  They squabbled a little and I took the opportunity to leave the room.  I had told both my sisters prior and that the group I was going to was an LGBT group.

In October (2014) after refining my Facebook friends, I came out on Facebook to everyone I considered worthy to know.  I’m happy with who I am now, but it was a long time getting there.  I wish I would have had more supportive people around when I was a teenager and young adult.

It was like I popped my head out of the closet looked around and didn’t like what I saw/was told, went back in for awhile, popped back out again, stayed in for even longer, and now you can’t push me back in.

I’ve since had two girlfriends, became a facilitator for the 20 somethings group, will be receiving an AA in LGBT studies in the spring, have been to 2 SF Prides and 2 Sac Prides.

Trigger… Back to childhood

27 Sep

Oh no. What’s wrong? What did I do?  What do you mean. I don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever it is. What do I need to do?

Looking into transferring

11 Sep

and getting very anxious. My top school fasga says has a 5% acceptance rate, the school site not much better says 30%   My number 2 school recommends a GPA or 3.66 or above. My assist (community college grades) are an 3.8 but everything is like a 3.4 or something. I wish I never went to the Christian private university. I wish I could just erase those couple years from my life. Nothing good came out of them. All I remember is even more being forced that homosexuality is a sin, crap. The sexual assault with fiancée. The end of ECT. And feeling like I was in a place where I didn’t belong and few understood me. When I told PK I think I’m gay and she’s never communicated with me since. Which led me further into the closet. Since getting ECT and involved with psych programs an hour and a half from school, I didn’t get good grades. At least not as good as I expect from myself. And looking back their all bull shit classes that won’t even transfer. So mad. How did I let myself get so brainwashed. Why would I go so far for my first love who decides never to speak to me again after I come out. I know parts my BPD symptoms that frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. That lack of a stable identity. Just angry and sad for what for nothing.

Some quirks

11 Sep

That are probably symptoms of mental illness.  (I don’t self diagnosis but have a lot of habits or symptoms of disorders but they don’t interfere with my life, at least I don’t think they do)

  • I only eat out at about 6 restaurants and get on food kicks.  Currently I’m eating a cheese enchilada, all beans, and a flour tortilla about 5 times a week in the last 2 months or so.
  • Most summers all I eat is one specific brand of cereal and ice cream.  This year I’ve nixed the ice cream due to weight gain but the cereal is Life.  Last year it was Life too.  The year before Lucky Charms.  The year before that Kix.  I tend to cycle between the three.  I’ve already had two bowls of life cereal today for breakfast and lunch.
  • I’m clumsy.  I fall a lot often for no reason.  I have terrible balance.  Lots of times I have bruises and things from falling that I don’t really re-call.  I just found out this year that it might have to do with my sensory disorder.
  • I’m really awkward in social setting.  I talk fast and ramble, especially when there is silence.  I can’t stand silence.  I don’t know social rules or norms that good so some stuff I say is completely inappropriate.
  • I don’t wash my hands very often.  Or put lotion or sunscreen on.  I don’t like liquids touching my hands.  Also new realization that relates to my sensory disorder.
  • I used to refuse to take classes in college unless I knew one person in them, so if we had to do group projects I would know someone.  Also incredibly shy and never talk to but one person in the class and only if required.
  • I was suppose to be left handed but my mom changed me when I was little.  I have found left handed written letters I don’t remember due to dissociation.
  • In junior high I told everyone I had multiple personalities, there names were Marci, Darcy, and Birdie.  Little did I know about 15 years later a therapist would suggest dissociative identity disorder.
  • When I use to self harm it would have to be in parallel lines and in odd multiples usually 3-11.
  • I have CDs of Marci Music that are just composed of songs with lyrics that I think relate to my life, I also have a song category here on Facebook.
  • In 7th grade I was voted best attitude on my team, kind of a popularity thing.  I think it was due to me spending my lunch money on candy and soda and giving half of it away.
  • I’ve never tried drugs not even marijuana, there is so much addiction in my family.
  • I’m 32 and still live at home. 😦
  • Since age 19 I’ve been in weekly therapy.  Most my therapists just go over how my week was and it’s like having an outlet and a person to talk to.  Mostly private and expensive
  • I have very strange sleep habits that cycle though.  Currently I sleep in about 2-4 hours blocks that add up to about 8 or 9 hours a day.
  • I’m afraid to make friends because I think they will leave or reject me.  Just recently would I consider myself to have a “best friend”
  • For awhile I thought I was asexual, now I think it’s more greysexual and related to trauma and psych meds.
  • I don’t like my breasts and want a reduction or removed, for while I thought this might be a trans type thing because I think it’s be easier to be a boy.  But now in the community I realize it’s not, I feel like a girl and identify as a girl- not a very girly girl but a girl
  • I went to a private christian university for 2 years, when I was trying to repent and live the “straight” lifestyle.  I was miserable.  The students sucked but the teachers were good.
  • I often have to end sentences with the words “Not that I remember” because of my severe memory issues with trauma and ECT

31 Days of Lists Challenge: Day 15

8 Sep

,31 days of list challenge

Day 15: Events I want to time travel to:

  • Most of my life because of ECT and trauma related memory loss, but if I could only pick one it’d be the time I was with PK (my first love) so sad I can’t remember a lot of it.

The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Diagnosis

24 Aug

After this last hospitalization was also the first time I had ever been diagnosed with PTSD. The diagnosis wasn’t as surprising as the sensory processing disorder. I’ve always been told I have a lot of trauma issues.  I am also on a medication for PTSD like nightmares. 

The only question I have. Which I’ll never ask is: what trauma were they referring to when they gave me the diagnosis. Like I said in my earlier posts on my other diagnosis, they just give you the sheet on the way out the door. 

Another oddity is that my inpatient psychiatrist had about an hour long discussion with my dad. He called my dad and I know they talked about my ECT, but surely that couldn’t have lasted a whole hour. It’s also doubtful that he spoke of the dysfunction growing up, which is one trauma.  He’s never let on that he knows any other trauma and I think he thinks we didn’t have it the best growing up but wouldn’t call it abuse. 

The other possibility is that they used the sexual assault for the diagnosis. I doubt that, I’ve been honest about it for the last three or four hospitalizations and it was never there before. Plus they asked no details or if I had any symptoms relating to it. 

There is also my speculations of sexual abuse but how would they know anything about that. The hospitalizations involve groups and learning skills. I’ve never talked to anyone individually, but whenever they ask I say I don’t know because of my memory gaps. 

And lastly, but I don’t want to rule anything out. With the new diagnosis sheets and the doing away with the axis system he asked about stress. And I said nothing other than having to continue to battle mental illness all my life. And that is on my discharge paperwork.  

Dreams: Too funny

26 May

So last night around the campfire we were talking about PK (my first love from high school). It’s been about 10 years and I can finally say I’m over here and moving on from the trauma it created in my life.   Anyways, I was talking about how I knew I was over her was when I had a dream and she was telling me she loved me and I was not interested anymore. Tonight I had another dream with her in it, the first since the last one when I realized I was over it. It was a funny dream and I actually woke up laughing. I was trying to track her down and finally get some closure. Of course it was at a religious event. High school friend was in it along with a mutual friend of me and high school friend they were the ones trying to help me track her down, only to run off part way through the adventure. In the dream I got closure, I wonder if that’s enough for real life?

Protected: To be honest

20 May

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