I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. Will the US come to this again? So many things to stress about.
Things are going well. I’m into my 3rd day of the new quarter here in college. I already like it much better than last quarter. Taking more classes I thrive as the structure helps keep me accountable and busy- last semester there was just too much down time. I bought a binder to begin wearing this year, when it came in the mail and I saw it I was like “Yikes!” it looked so small, especially around the stomach area. I’ve been wearing it for 4 days now; usually only the first half the day while I’m in my classes. There is some discomfort when walking and I can’t slouch, which may be a good thing. But I really like the way I look. I want to buy a few more, as I just bought one since they are sort of expensive and I wasn’t sure how I’d take to it. The thing is it’s really hot, which is fine in this rainy wet weather we are having now, but what happens once hot summers come? I also found new boxer briefs that don’t ride up and practically become like woman underwear. I bought 4 more mens shirts and my dad just gave me some more money for the month. I think I’ll buy another couple shirts.
My classes this semester are 2nd quarter Greek, 4th quarter Spanish, New Testament in Greek, Upper Division Writing, and Gender, Language and Society. There are 5 classes but the New Testament class is just one hour, once a week. I also have an ungraded connection that meets once a week around the common interest of being a Future grad student. I’ll be pretty busy this quarter.
Counseling will probably be cut to every other week so I can go to gender group, also because I’m doing well right now. If I start to have problems we may change apps to Friday or I may go later on Wednesdays and skip Gender group sometimes. When I see the therapist at the end of the month I’m going to ask her AGAIN about when I will have a consult with the gender therapist, I know I was in crisis in November and then in December she had to cancel because she was sick but I’m running out of patience. I just found out today my psychiatrist has a reminder set to have a phone appointment with me on the 20th, then we will talk about reducing the Latuda we had to increase at the end of November because of the psychotic symptoms.
Today I had a counseling appointment and even though my case manager doesn’t really want to address the gender identity issues she today said that my self harm was a result of gender identity and sexuality issues. I was quick to point out I was self harming before those issues came to light and for other reasons. I often worry about people taking my biological disorders and my situational life happenings and screwing them up and trying to put something where it doesn’t belong. I did mention that yes I did self harm on my breasts because I hated them; but I self harmed for a slew of other reasons before I hit puberty (when gender issues came on) and before I met PK (when I started discovering my sexuality).
I’m thinking about using a new name with my new gender variant expression, when I start transitioning more, a nickname my sister has given me that is my initials. Before I do that though, I want it to be okay with her as it is her nickname sort of and I don’t know how she will feel about being gender variant and I don’t feel right about taking a nickname she gave me and using it; if she takes the transition really badly. I need to feel her out. I’m not good at feeling people out.
Things have been rough for awhile, real bad depression wise for at least a couple months and more like 6-9 months with a few small breaks in between. Some people wonder how you can consider suicide, but a lot of people understand the feeling of what it is like to want to die but being able to overcome it in some way. I can’t get that overcoming part down… the bad outweigh the good by so much it’s ridiculous, there is not enough pleasure to even slightly offset the immense emotional pain I am in. I don’t have kids to take care of. People would miss me but most of them I think would get over it with time. I don’t see me contributing to the world and I don’t see the pain ending enough to have any sort of quality of life. My “good days” are probably other people’s “okay days.” I just wake up with this sense of dread of another day, more pain, more pretense, more survival, and hopefully some distraction. Distraction has been the only thing that’s been helping lately while it is totally false that you can “fake it till you make it” it does give you something to do and put energy into. Plastic fantastic. My condition is chronic, this is a life long thing that is all I have ever really known and escape is so appealing. I don’t have much faith in my psychiatrist or medication. The work I do to stay alive is work I do and I’m terrified I’m about ready to give that up.
I’ve been falling apart since last fall, unraveling slowly at first. I remember when it got so bad (just the depression not suicidal) that I went to the ER with the knowledge that I could spend my 31st b-day in the hospital. It’s been a slow drag and then after the last hospitalization there was a weird transition time. Adjusting to no constant voices and just a weird state that I don’t ever recall being in that lasted for a month or so. Then the depression hit full force again, this time with major self harm urges. I spent a month in Partial which did practically nothing. A few weeks ago a set of the voices that are intermittent came back, I call them the back 2s. I think they just may be parts of me I don’t want to acknowledge or can’t or whatever. But they have been coming and going since. I’ve been extremely suicidal and self harm urges. I took apart that razor the other day. I took 25mg Valium just to stop the pain. I’ve been trying to blast the voices out with music, reason with them. Some part of me or the back 2s or whatever you want to call it, REALLY wants to die. And I’m scared. This morning I had it all figured out I don’t want to go into it because of giving other peoples ideas but part of it was that I turned off my phone. This may seem really stupid to a lot of people but when I’m really down I lay down with my phone next to me hoping someone calls/texts/comments on a blog or I check my e-mail and Facebook. There is still that hope and sometimes I can reach out to others. Not only was I not capable of reaching out to others this morning (busy planning my demise) I made it so they couldn’t help. My sister thinks that’s dumb because there is the house phone and obviously people live here and all but to me it shows my mindset.
So now I’m scared of myself. I have an appointment with the therapist on Tuesday and will have her put me in the hospital if I can’t get in to see my case manager tomorrow to have her do it. Pray I can make it till Tuesday and this part that has some hope can stay in the front because I’m afraid the suicidal part can come out and act quick and it will all be over.