Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. I guess I was desperate. I tried my DBT skills all week. I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. It won’t be the same. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m losing my best friend. I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.
I’m thinking more about my gender identity issues and where I want to be in 5 years or more so what I want to look like and how I want to feel about my body and mind. Yesterday I researched top surgery, initially I was just thinking about getting a double mastectomy because I don’t like my breasts. But as I think more and as I explore more I am considering top surgery so if I wan’t to identify more along the male lines I will have a more male looking upper body than just no breasts.
It was interesting that there were two types of surgery depending on how big your breasts are, since mine are C or bigger I would have a certain surgery. I also would need to lose some weight so I have started to exercise and watch what I am eating.
One of the things I’m not looking forward to is that this is something I will need to address with the therapist and I’m not that comfortable with her. Also I only see her once a month and I’m not sure about containing the dysphoria in-between appointments. I also worry working on it will destabilize me and cause me to have to quit UC Davis.
Today I had my second part of my Autistic Spectrum Disorder Evaluation. It was just one long questionnaire with 344 questions! It almost seemed like a general psych test because there were questions about anger, drugs, alcohol, anxiety, depression, all kinds of stuff. I told him at the end that I had some other diagnoses and some questions were familiar. My appointment to go over the results of all the testing together are July 12th, which seems like a long time away. I’m kinda on board with 20 somethings friend now and feel like I already have a diagnosis but lets see what Kaiser has to say, although it took them forever to figure out the Schizoaffective diagnosis and even longer to find a good medication combination. And I asked the guy what happens and he says he pretty much sends the results to the therapist, so I guess that’s it? I’d be more comfortable asking my case manager about it and using her as an intermediary and I know she can read my file and all the notes too.
The Orlando shooting set off the voices, and that was the post the other day. Luckily it was less than a few hours of psychosis stopped by some extra Latuda I took. I tried to stay away from the news of it on Sunday but it was everywhere, plus the Latuda makes me drowsy. After 3pm the psychosis was gone. I always worry when it onsets again, that this will be the time it doesn’t go away, that this will be the time that I lose control. In this case… that this will be a time I need to be hospitalized and I’ll miss my orientation for transferring and it will screw everything up.
People think I worry too much or to take it one step at a time. But I live on the brink of insanity. I need to be very vigilant.
Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:
Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs. It rained so it was a good turnout of my 31 people registered. I met my fund raising goal of $1,500. The highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.
My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended. Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends. I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender). I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going. I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.
I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing. My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.
Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.
This is a picture of my team shirt for the NAMI Walk this year. I have the green mental illness awareness ribbon with hope written inside. I’m finally seeing a lot of hope in my life. Over a year and a half without a hospitalization. Transferring to UC Davis in the fall and moving out. Getting accepted to all the other colleges I applied to was validation and definitely help my self esteem. I’m growing up and seeing a future. There is hope.
I saw the therapist yesterday and my case manager today. The therapist asked me the beginning of some ASD evaluation questions and had me fill out two questionnaires. A lot of the answers I did not know because they had to do with childhood, my mom’s pregnancy, or family history. 20 somethings friend asked how it went, I said I think I passed because she said the next part was a referral and it might be a couple months out. Some of the questions were complicated. Some didn’t surprise me considering I know some about autism and aspergers. When I met with my case manager today she asked me why I did tell the therapist a few specific things I had told her, I told her number 1 she didn’t ask and 2 they were strange and she said that’s exactly why I needed to tell her. I said I didn’t want her judging me and it’s okay because you just joke I’m part cat, but she won’t be like that. So I’m suppose to make a list of the more stranger aka embarrassing things; I’m already to 1/2 page. I realized today I will go to UC Davis, the voices were right along with everyone else I’m just not ready or stable enough to start over in a new city 10 hours away with no one I know. With all my new realizations I’m not sure I’ll be able to live on campus; I’ll take it slow. And I don’t want to take advantage of services I don’t need. I’m sad about not going to SDSU, I cried a little even in front of my mom and went to ice cream. I’m trying to just focus on the accomplishment of getting in, that 9% that got accepted. I talked about my mini hypomanic/psychotic episode, the dreams that had my case manager in them, a few articles I had read on FB that resonated with me, and the appointment with the therapist; it was non stop talk with my case manager today. I’ll bring my list of strange stuff to my case manager next week and see if it’s things I should tell the therapist or not.