Tag Archives: support

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

I wonder if I’ll ever get attachment right

24 Dec

I have done a number of posts on attachment in the past.  A recent post by a blogger about insecure-resistant attachment style and another about codependency had me thinking about the complex way I attach, avoid, and push people away.  Anyone who knows attachment theory, I would say I am a disorganized style which pretty much alternates between insecure-resistant (also called insecure-ambivalent) and insecure-avoidant.  Insecure-resistant is being clingy and needy but then people come back after leaving or perceived unattachment you show anger and resentment even if you are somewhat happy they are back and want the comforting.  Insecure-avoidant you don’t really attach to the mother and when they leave and come back you continue the disinterest.  BTW: all this research was done with kid-mother-stranger interactions.  Even with people generally I don’t get too attached to anyone and when they go I don’t have such a reaction, this was more so as a teenager but I still fall into it.  I still see this happening with me when people want to have an attachment to me but I don’t seem it worthy so I don’t attach and when they get frustrated or bored I’m not distressed  about the “friendship” ending because in my mind it was never really a true friendship.

I’ve struggled with codependency mostly within the family and with my sister.  I was often the one being rescued at least in the relationship with my sister.  The time period is so fuzzy, I’m not sure if I reinforced her codependent behavior but I know I was upset when she tried to seek counseling for it.  Because she was one of the few people I “counted on.”  I also know in my teen angst I did a lot of insecure-resistant with her.  I was reading about the codependency and how it is counting on one person to rescue you or make you feel better.  I was a little frustrated because I was insecure-avoidant for so long and didn’t want to others to help me and I wouldn’t let them in.  My case manager mentioned how I need to let some people help me and increase my support system.  I have like 3 people now and they all probably think I have codependent relationships with them or at least borderline codependent with them.  I do go to great lengths though to not rely on others for help and when I do need help sometimes it goes so wrong when I’m trying to get support.

I wonder if I’ll ever get attachment right.

Daily Prompt: Take Care

20 Dec

WordPress Daily Prompt 12/20/15: When you’re unwell, do you allow others to take care of you, or do you prefer to soldier on alone? What does it take for you to ask for help?

I am generally a person who deals with things alone when upset.  I’m very particular about who I will allow to help me or even really know what is going on.  I usually only ask for help if I’m really desperate or I think a person can help me.  It’s backfired a number of times though, so I’m more reluctant now.

Wants, needs, and reaching out – some more lessons from therapy

30 Nov

This is very similar to an interaction I had with a friend over the holiday weekend.
“I remembered that power struggle and felt as though I was trapped in it again, only on the other side. I felt an immense need for her to reach out to me, and I simply could not understand why she wouldn’t. It felt as though she was holding back; as if I was subject to her whim and at the mercy of whether or not she chose to respond to my needs. She seemed cruel; and I felt I was waiting, helplessly, for any words of comfort or encouragement that might come my way.”

Life in a Bind - BPD and me

My eldest child sobbed in front of me, desperate for something I was refusing to give him. He felt an overwhelming need, and I wasn’t meeting it. Worse than that, he couldn’t understand why. He kept saying ‘why, mummy, why?’. And all I could do was repeat what now felt like a stupid and arbitrary rule of behaviour that had served its purpose a couple of years ago, but now felt cruel and out of place. And yet I felt trapped by it, and the more I said ‘no’, the more entrenched that ‘no’ became, and I felt at the same time both captive and dictator – bound by the rule, but exercising it on a whim. It was hurting him, and it was hurting me, and I felt powerless to kneel down, hug him, and end the power struggle we were caught up in.


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Hold my hand

24 Nov

Hold my hand.  Help me make it through.

Hold my hand as I struggle to keep standing.

I need your words, I need your hand.

Hold my hand, nothing else will do.


22 Nov

Not sure where I am.  Was talking to blogger friend earlier today and both of us are feeling like we’re heading towards hospitalizations.  We seem to be in sync with each others moods, often.  I feel like I can’t afford to go to the hospital, the semester is near ending and I’m struggling in my classes.  I’m taking 4 classes next term which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years.  So I won’t have time for hospitalization then either.  Part of me is thinking of “scheduling” a hospitalization during winter break.  But I’m not sure I want to be in the hospital, I want to be succeeding or failing, no in between crap (now doesn’t that sound borderline.)  My case manager says to call or reach out to someone when I get suicidal.  It happened two nights ago again, but not as intense so I didn’t reach out- honestly when I’m like that I don’t want to reach out, I want to die.  I’m thinking of talking to my sister and 20 somethings friend to let them know I’m really struggling and have extra support and people who are at least in the know.

Friday’s counseling session was intense.  I talked about the school failure terror and die, read and got advice on my personal statements, read the password blog on abandonment, shame and questions.  I cried a lot, my sister knew as soon as she saw me as apparently I sounded congested.  She joked about being my case manager for this week, since mine is on vacation.  It’s hard to have someone is generally so cheery, try and relate to my depression.

But it’s progress I guess

15 Nov

Not coping appropriately but it’s progress I guess.  Friday night threw me for a loop, which seemed to come out of no where.  I got my official notice I’d be accepted to UC Davis and what the conditions were, pretty much to complete the courses I said I was taking this fall and next spring and to maintain at least a 3.2 GPA.  I went in with a 3.49 GPA.  I guess that’s what’s got me worried.  I don’t think I can pull off A’s in either of my classes this fall and will be lucky to get B’s.  Next semester I will be taking 4 courses, which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years.  I’m very anxious to the point of feeling sheer terror.

The thought of failing after being granted conditional acceptance is too much.  I get super suicidal and dysregulated.  Friday night I ended up taking the rest of a bottle of NyQuil because that was all I could find.  I know I had a bag of benadryl by my pill chart but it’s since disappeared.  Looking back now that’s probably a good thing because I had little impulse control.  Since I took so much NyQuil Friday night (1am) I didn’t end up going to the cabin trip for a friend from group.  I was also weepy all day Saturday and experiencing some panic but not out right terror.

Saturday night I took some ZzzQuil because I was starting to get worked up again.  I was texting 20 somethings friend Saturday and my mom took me out to eat as a distraction.  Both were very helpful, even though I had to push myself to ask or start the help.  I’ve also been having urges to cut deep.  Like need stitches can see muscle tissue deep.  I’ve only cut that deep once before and you have to make sure you don’t hit a vein, it’s not something you should do while you are upset and emotional.  I feel the urge because I know it will help the feelings of being overwhelmed and I will be able to finish my Personal Statement for my UC applications as well as study good enough for this test in Linguistics.  I also figure if it’s too deep or I hit a vein, I can go to the hospital and then I won’t have to worry about upcoming tests and everything.

Looking back I’m doing good.  I haven’t self harmed.  I’m going to try and study/work on Personal Statement tonight.  I didn’t go to the cabin in my sensitive form, some of the cliques are going and I was only going because I like the birthday girl and didn’t want to not go because of other people there.  But I was too sensitive and vulnerable.  I’ve reached out for help both to my mom and 20 somethings friend and am taking advice.

What I’m worried about.  Kaiser’s mental health department is on a strike because of pay/benefits.  I don’t know for how long or anything, but I’m sure at least tomorrow.  Which means I’m not sure when my case manager will be there.  I don’t have an appointment with her for 3 weeks, since she was sick last week and had to reschedule a bunch of appointments for this upcoming week and she will be off thanksgiving week.  Which means if things get too bad I don’t know where to go, other than the hospital.  And while part of me wants that comfort and to be taken care of, I’d really like to say I could make it through without it.  So think good thoughts for me.

All mixed Up

18 Sep

I had counseling this morning.  I tried on Wednesday to get into to see her because I knew I was going down hill fast.  My dad’s stupid comment was really set me off Tuesday night and I’ve never seemed to recover.  The feelings or lack of them is not about the comment anymore.  Most of it has to do with planning for the future, I keep just going back to giving up and dying instead.  Dying would be much easier than living.  Easier than taking risks.  Easier than putting myself out there.  And easier than the changes I want to make in my life.  My case manager says I’m all “doom and gloom” right now and not to worry about it or have so much internal pressure about it, she suggested setting a date to write the personal statement and if I didn’t then that was fine too.  I explained to her that part of my reason for doing it so quickly (next year) is because 20 somethings friend is also transferring next year.  We discovered earlier in therapy that if I go on a short trip, I don’t feel like people are leaving or abandoning me- even though we’re apart; mostly because it is on my terms.  That’s part of why I’m feeling the pressure to do it next year, as I think I won’t feel left behind as much.  I mentioned my schools I was interested in, she liked the idea of UC Berkeley but I’m not sure I could get it.  I need to check out why the put a hold on my transcripts at one of the schools and when transfer reps will be there.  It’s so hard right now and I feel like I’m doing it alone.  I don’t know why, I’m guessing people don’t want to feel responsible if I attempt this and fail and have another breakdown.  My case manager thinks I’m very brave for doing it and how she always is amazed by when and how I choose to address major issues in my life.  It doesn’t seem so amazing to me.  And when I’m in the darkness, I can’t see the progress that everyone is telling me I’m making.  I don’t want to be in the darkness and I’m trying to struggle my way out.  After explaining to my sister last night how I felt abandoned and angry at her and my case manager for not coming through when I asked for help.  I got a different response today, as she texted to see if things were any better.  I wish I felt on stable ground with all these decisions coming up.  I wish I had a set of cheerleaders backing me up and telling me I can do this.  I understand needing to be able to do things on your own, and I can (even if sometimes I pretend I can’t) but someone please reassure/validate me.

Silence is not always golden. 

18 Sep

I’ve been mostly silent on my blog for the last couple days and in general for the last couple days. I wish I could say that it’s because I was busy and doing well but that isn’t the case. When I go deeper into depression and suicidality I drop off the planet. Mostly it’s to self preserve. My supports weren’t helping me, even when I asked for it. People wonder why I don’t reach out for help, that’s exactly why. I decided not to go to the hospital I have a lot of plans coming up in October and my inpatient psychiatrist said that if the med combo I’m on right now doesn’t work. It’s time to go with an MAOI but in the hospital setting which would mean a 4 week stay at least. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I may not have much of a life anymore but still spending 4 weeks in a hospital sounds like my last resort and it’s his too. So what if the MAOI weren’t to work. He joked about shipping me to Russia. He’s Russian. Anyways, I’m down and flat. Stressed out about the future and am internally thinking I don’t have a future why bother. It’d be so much easier to just opt out of life. No I’m not on the edge yet. But no one even seems interested in encouraging or helping me back away from it.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

10 Sep


This years theme- Preventing Suicide: Reaching Out and Saving Lives.

How does one recognize someone might be suicidal?

suicide warning signs

Here is a graphic representing some of the warning signs.  Most people who are suicidal have some sort of ambivalance about it and will give hints, hoping someone can help them or talk to them.  Most people won’t go right out and say “I’m suicidal” but you may hear things like “I wish I was dead”  “What’s the point of living”  “Things would be better off if I was dead” or similar statements.  I think it’s okay to directly ask if the person is feeling suicidal and then have a conversation about it.  Part of reaching out and saving lives is noticing the warning signs and talking about it.

How can you help prevent a suicide?

Have a conversation.  Listen!  Listen!  Listen!  It’s alright to ask questions to get an idea of how serious they are and how much help they might need.  If you notice it is beyond what a sympathetic ear and restatements of why to live, it is recommended you get further help.  Depending on the state of the suicidal person (some people may be rather depressed and have little energy or motivation to search out resources), it may be helpful to stand with them along the way.  Give them a suicide hotline number instead of just suggesting they search the internet for one.  Help them in finding a therapist and/or psychiatrist to talk to.  Go with them to the emergency room, visit them if they need to be hospitalized.  Ask for updates about how they are feeling and how their suicidal thoughts are.  Keep an interest and show that you are willing to talk about it and to help them get support, then do it.  Often suicidal thoughts return and it’s great if they think they have someone to talk to who has been helpful before.


  • Promise confidentiality
  • Dare them to do it, or dismiss their feelings/thoughts
  • Tell them they’ll go to hell, that it’s a sin, selfish, or any other guilt tripping
  • Gossip about it to other friends or acquaintance, you may need to tell professionals or family.
  • Leave them alone, try to stay with them or make sure they have someone around them.

Helpful resources:

Crisis Phone Numbers and Websites:

National Suicide Hotlines in the USA- 24 hours a day/7 days a week- Toll Free

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

The Trevor Project- Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention for LGBT Youth- Free- 24 hours a day/7 days a week


Trans Lifeline- Transgender Suicide hotline


Crisis Text Support Line


Local Emergency Services

Call 911 or go to local emergency room

You can also search online for crisis services that may have information on your specific state, chat crisis if you do not use the phone, deaf service phone numbers, and other resources.

American Association of Suicidology  www.suicidology.org (also provides listings of state-by-state suicide crisis lines).