Tag Archives: suicidal

More on Autism

11 Apr

So I’ve mentioned before that both my case manager and the therapist wanted to have me evaluated to see if I fell on the Autistic Spectrum.  This was due to a variety of issues including my Sensory Processing Disorder, issues with eye contact, problems with socializing, and falling a lot.  With Kaiser’s evaluation system that took like 3 months to go through I was found not to have an ASD because I did not present symptoms as an infant, though I met enough criteria currently and had since a child.  This has been upsetting me a lot.  Transferring to UC Davis, I still haven’t made any connections and while I don’t need to have a lot of friends and to be honest am not interested in having a lot of friends, I would like to have one or two.  I never seem to say the right thing and I can’t figure out people.  My case manager went to a training about a week ago now and she said a lot of females on the spectrum are misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar because Autism is about not being able to control your emotions.  I have both.  She said if it’s any something she thinks I’m somewhere on the spectrum and that they need to train Kaiser doctors better.

I know several autistic young adults.  I found this on the internet the other day:

What do you think the most common cause of premature death is among adults of typical or high intelligence with autism spectrum disorders? It’s suicide.

A large study was recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry that examined the risk of death among the 27,122 persons diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders in Sweden when compared to age-matched controls. One significant finding from the study is that on average, persons with autism die sixteen years sooner than would be anticipated.  The finding we’ll examine more closely is that adults with autism and no intellectual disability are over nine times more likely to commit suicide when compared to their age-matched peers. Unlike the general population, in which men are significantly more likely to commit suicide than women, women with autism were at higher risk of suicide in this study than men.

Last month’s study isn’t the only signal that persons with autism are especially vulnerable to suicide.

  • study of 10-14 year-olds with autism reported that 70% of kids with autism also had at least one mental health disorder such as anxiety, ADHD or depression, and 41% had at least two comorbid mental health disorders. Of those with ADHD, 84% received a second comorbid diagnosis.
  • Kids with autism were 28 times more likely to experience suicidal ideation than age-matched peers without autism in this study.
  • In a study of 374 adults with Asperger’s Disorder, 66% of 367 respondents self-reported suicidal ideation, 127 (35%) of 365 respondents self-reported plans or attempts at suicide, and 116 (31%) of 368 respondents self-reported depression. Adults with Asperger’s syndrome were nearly ten times as likely to report lifetime experience of suicidal ideation than individuals from a general UK population sample, and more prone to suicidal ideation than people with one, two, or more medical illnesses, or people with psychotic illness.

Why might suicide represent such an enormous problem among high-functioning persons with autism spectrum disorders?

They’re more likely to experience social isolation and lack social supports. In the fall of 2014, we shared this anonymous post from a college student describing her experience of trying to attend church as a person with autism. Imagine how the challenges she describes would impact her day to day life outside of church.

High-functioning kids with autism are significantly more likely to become victims of bullying when compared to their peers with autism and intellectual disability. It’s become socially inappropriate to ridicule persons with an obvious disability…less so when the disability isn’t so obvious.

They’re more likely to experience difficulties with executive functioning that may translate into a greater risk of acting upon suicidal impulses, more difficulty employing effective problem-solving skills and more difficulty self-regulating emotions. Learn more here about the challenges persons face with executive functioning challenges.

Their propensity to become very fixated on specific thoughts or ideas may intensify suicidal thoughts, or result in more difficulty letting go of feelings of hopelessness when they occur.

http://www.keyministry.org/church4everychild/2017/4/4/the-suicide-epidemic-among-high-functioning-persons-with-autism

PS I’ve been more suicidal with less friendship and more lonely lately.

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

30 Jan

Feeling down.  Was feeling productive even good this morning.  Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted.  Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes.  Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture.  My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work.  It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.

You can call it emotional, I’ll call it wise

18 Jan

I’m overwhelmed.  I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks.  Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank.  That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people.  But really how did I spend over $2,000?  Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school.  Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home.  I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm.  I had a support group at 5pm.  My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager.  I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.)  I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to.  The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing.  I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade.  I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.

Safety plans in place

20 Nov

Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried.  So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital.  I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms.  I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday.  My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol.  I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again.  My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe.  I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone.  My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in.  Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down.  Just 3 more weeks of school to get through.  Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals.  Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.

Just another “Election aftermath”

10 Nov

I live in California a pretty democratic progressive state, everyone was outraged, sad, angry, pissed, scared, and a variety of other bad feeling when Trump won- well most everybody.  My dad would have voted for him if he was in the states.  Everyone who lived in my court voted for him and I knew others that did.  I was sad and scared, but mostly shocked, it took awhile for the real feelings to kick in.

 

I’m 33, 34 in two days.  I’ve waited a long time to start transitioning.  I haven’t felt safe to do it in my own home.  Now I don’t feel safe to do it in my country and worry about government policies and procedures that may prevent me from doing so.  I already know it won’t go quick as I like because of my pre-existing mental health conditions; especially the episode a couple weeks ago with the voices.  Now I feel set back, hopeless, suicidal.  I wonder if I should abandon myself, my progress of the last few months with transitioning and the last 5 years of so with accepting my sexuality.  I don’t want to be unsafe but at the same time I want to die.  But I’d rather have it be by my own hand than some hateful bigot.

Christmas

25 Dec

It’s Christmas.  This Christmas season has been quite different with different going ons in the family.  My dad’s dad just had open heart surgery so my dad is visiting him a lot since right now he needs 24/7 care.  Lil sis and her boyfriend just bought their 2nd house which they are renting out, so still busy fixing up the first one and now with a second one to go along with it.  My sister is applying for a new job within her company and other than some travel it’s a full work from home job (I’m looking forward to that 🙂 )  My brother-in-law is a full fledged firefighter paramedic after a few years of academies and probations!  And with me it feels all the same.  No one other than 20 something friend, my sister, and my case manager know I’m transferring to UC Davis next fall.  It’s big but I’m keeping a lid on it, in case something goes wrong.

I’ve been crying this last week straight.  Different reasons.  Frustration.  Emptiness.  Loneliness.  Meaninglessness.  Expectations not being met.  And being suicidal.  I rarely cry when I’m suicidal so it’s a strange combination.  A couple of the nights I just let my self cry for a couple hours, but then I get nauseous.  I’m lucky in that I haven’t cried so much I’ve thrown up.

Going to use a lot of my DBT Skills during this school break (3-4weeks).  Cope ahead.  Cope Ahead.  COPE AHEAD.

I’ve been sorta silent

22 Dec

I don’t feel like I have a lot to say.  The holiday season is usually not the best for me, but October and March are always the worst.  Last year at this time I was just starting my new medication regimen and I seemed much happier, or maybe just super relieved that months long depression was over.  I’m doing okay, not really happy or sad and haven’t had any intense extreme emotion swings typical of BPD.  I got my semester grades an A and a B, so I’m right on track for my UC Davis transfer agreement.  All I need to do is complete all of next semester’s plan courses and maintain a GPA of 3.2 or better.  Barring a great crisis catastrophe it should be easy.  I don’t feel happy about it, maybe relieved.  I’ve been really struggling with feelings of emptiness that result in suicidal thinking because of no purpose or meaning in life.  Which makes me feel stupid because life is going relatively well, other than these empty feelings.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

 

**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**

A little of this, a little of that

6 Dec

Today has been a good day.  I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done.  My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that.  So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges.  Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night.  Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads.  This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that.  So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!

At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it.   She also threw in it could change back.  I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.”  Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different.  I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend.  But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.

I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them.  The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do.  So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.