Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried. So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital. I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms. I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday. My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol. I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again. My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe. I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone. My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in. Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down. Just 3 more weeks of school to get through. Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals. Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.
I live in California a pretty democratic progressive state, everyone was outraged, sad, angry, pissed, scared, and a variety of other bad feeling when Trump won- well most everybody. My dad would have voted for him if he was in the states. Everyone who lived in my court voted for him and I knew others that did. I was sad and scared, but mostly shocked, it took awhile for the real feelings to kick in.
I’m 33, 34 in two days. I’ve waited a long time to start transitioning. I haven’t felt safe to do it in my own home. Now I don’t feel safe to do it in my country and worry about government policies and procedures that may prevent me from doing so. I already know it won’t go quick as I like because of my pre-existing mental health conditions; especially the episode a couple weeks ago with the voices. Now I feel set back, hopeless, suicidal. I wonder if I should abandon myself, my progress of the last few months with transitioning and the last 5 years of so with accepting my sexuality. I don’t want to be unsafe but at the same time I want to die. But I’d rather have it be by my own hand than some hateful bigot.
I don’t feel like I have a lot to say. The holiday season is usually not the best for me, but October and March are always the worst. Last year at this time I was just starting my new medication regimen and I seemed much happier, or maybe just super relieved that months long depression was over. I’m doing okay, not really happy or sad and haven’t had any intense extreme emotion swings typical of BPD. I got my semester grades an A and a B, so I’m right on track for my UC Davis transfer agreement. All I need to do is complete all of next semester’s plan courses and maintain a GPA of 3.2 or better. Barring a great crisis catastrophe it should be easy. I don’t feel happy about it, maybe relieved. I’ve been really struggling with feelings of emptiness that result in suicidal thinking because of no purpose or meaning in life. Which makes me feel stupid because life is going relatively well, other than these empty feelings.
Today has been a good day. I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done. My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that. So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges. Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night. Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads. This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that. So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!
At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it. She also threw in it could change back. I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.” Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different. I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend. But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.
I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them. The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do. So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.
Not sure where I am. Was talking to blogger friend earlier today and both of us are feeling like we’re heading towards hospitalizations. We seem to be in sync with each others moods, often. I feel like I can’t afford to go to the hospital, the semester is near ending and I’m struggling in my classes. I’m taking 4 classes next term which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years. So I won’t have time for hospitalization then either. Part of me is thinking of “scheduling” a hospitalization during winter break. But I’m not sure I want to be in the hospital, I want to be succeeding or failing, no in between crap (now doesn’t that sound borderline.) My case manager says to call or reach out to someone when I get suicidal. It happened two nights ago again, but not as intense so I didn’t reach out- honestly when I’m like that I don’t want to reach out, I want to die. I’m thinking of talking to my sister and 20 somethings friend to let them know I’m really struggling and have extra support and people who are at least in the know.
Friday’s counseling session was intense. I talked about the school failure terror and die, read and got advice on my personal statements, read the password blog on abandonment, shame and questions. I cried a lot, my sister knew as soon as she saw me as apparently I sounded congested. She joked about being my case manager for this week, since mine is on vacation. It’s hard to have someone is generally so cheery, try and relate to my depression.