Tag Archives: suicidal ideation


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

15 Jan

I like hearing how different people’s cycles are different. Mine are also in worsening order:
1. Great mood, talkative, social, nothing bothers me, have a bunch of irons in the fire, sometimes a little risky behavior.
2. Able to prioritize and stick with a project longer before moving to the next, still bore easily.
3. Productive and realistic, having fun and getting things done.
4. Sleeping in later.
5. Less energy and motivation.
6. Apathetic and/or flat. (which sometimes can be a good thing)
7. Feeling empty, lonely and as if life is meaningless.
8. Ruminating on everything wrong in my life and the possibility less future.
9. Lacking personal care, not functioning well. Skipping school, staying in bed all day, not eating much, not bathing
9. Urges to self harm or passively planning/thinking about suicide.
10. Self harming (sometimes)
11. Ask for help- medication change, emergency therapy sessions, or hospitalization

Suicidal ideation and PTSD

21 Aug

Earlier today, I wrote a post entitled “should.”  Afterwards I was googling some ways to deal with suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation.  I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 10 years old and they have been pretty chronic and persistent.  Most people don’t understand it.  My suicidal ideation ranges anywhere from a sudden thought of wanting to be dead, desire to do something risky or life-threatning, just thinking about how I’d rather be dead, intricately planning my suicide including making sure my affairs are in order, gathering supplies, writing notes, sudden visions of me attempting suicide or dead.  What I always thought strange about this is it doesn’t always correlate with being depressed, or feeling empty or hopeless.  I can be having a good day and it just comes to me naturally.  I noticed this last year while at Disneyland for my birthday.  I was with my sister and having a great time but on one of the rides I suddenly found myself thinking about what would happen if I jumped out of the ride.  My psychiatrist said maybe my suicidal thoughts were almost OCD like.  I’m not sure but it is disheartening when you are having a good time and sudden thoughts about death come to you it is  worse when you are having a difficult time and the thoughts won’t seem to leave you alone.  this sort of got off topic, but while looking at link I found this page on Suicide and PTSD and thought it was very interesting how they considered having suicidal thoughts to be traumatic.