Tag Archives: stress

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college.  I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot.  I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough.  I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class.  This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life.  My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it.  I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes.  I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin.  You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year.  I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it.  I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm.  I should be working on it right now, but I’m not.  I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too.  I’ve taken 3 naps already today.  My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me.  I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness.  So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day.  Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take.  I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful.  Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though.  Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming!  I’m so excited!

Presidency- Fears- Holocaust Remembrance Day- Stonewall Riots

28 Jan

Lots of stuff going on in my head lately.  Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad.  Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health.  The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country.  Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too.  Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays.  I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday.  Will the US come to this again?  So many things to stress about.

Back up

11 Apr

It’s Monday. The cycle continues. Bouncing up during the week then down on the weekends. I need to get stuff done I wish I could get my mom going on helping me start the t-shirts. That’s really where I’m stuck at right now. That and fundraising. But it’ll all work out. Because I’m up and have no cares.


4 Apr

I think I pegged what is triggering these hypomanic episodes: the stress of trying to organize the social event of the NAMI Walk, along with the on going unknown of the ASD evaluation plus the grief of not being able to attend San Diego State University and it’s nearing the end of the semester.  That’s enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

I don’t really understand

28 Sep

Today was counseling and I was trying to give her the round up of what happened since I saw her last.  That’s how things usually start.  And normally when she asks how I am I say up and down…. which is usually accurate.  Last night I was really low and suicidal, she asked how I deal with things and that she doesn’t understand how I can deal with so much for as long as I do.

Right now I got I think she counted 6 stressors going on, though I disagree and have some lumped together.  The main 3 are planning on transferring plus all that that encompasses, friendship with 20 somethings friend, and hosting a Halloween party.  When I didn’t want to work on the stressful things Sunday I decided to organize this party.  I use to be real good at putting things in boxes and coming and going to them on my terms.  Lately it seems things can’t be contained and that’s what happened with the overwhelming yesternight.  She says she thinks my relationship with 20 somethings friend is the safest so that’s why I focus on it so much.  She also said that alone with what’s going on in my world it’s not surprising that I didn’t feel connected.

So she gave me some metaphor of those guys that are spinning multiple plates at a time and spin one when you need to so it doesn’t fall but how to switch back and forth between them mostly at my choosing.  But needing to focus on them, that’s the problem the anxiety gets too big and I find a new project to focus on which then brings new stress.  So I’m suppose to focus on the things I got going know and not add ones.  The other ones are dealing with my two current classes, adding another school to the possibilities (though I think that should fall under transferring umbrella) and family stuff including my dad’s birthday but I didn’t count that either because it has passed.  Oh yeah and the flashback trigger.  Someone can’t count.

I expressed my frustration at not being able to give myself credit for doing the little things I am doing that I’ve never really done before.  I keep seeing them as “little things” that I “should” have already been doing anyways, plus all the other things I need to catch up on.  This is like the stuff talked about in adulting.  Today was suppose to be filled with grandiose plans, plans I made last week but told no one of.  After last nights go I thought I would try to practice self compassion and just make the only things I had to do the counseling appointment and my linguistics class.

My Wellness Box

30 Jul

The outside of the box.

The box had slits in it to let the magic out.

Bubble wrap to pop when frustrated.

Brain flex stress ball.

Smaller tigger from keychain. Soft to touch.

My Wellness Journal. Here’s a post with video on more about it.

An older “book of encouragement”

iPod and earphones with soothing and distracting songs. (Really helps with voices.)

Soap bar my case manager gave me for my birthday one year.

Smooth rock (self-soothe touch also good for grounding)

Labendar bath bubbles (self-soothe smell and relaxation in the tub)

Crisis numbers.

Bath salts (smell and relaxation)

Candle (self-soothe, smell; pleasing sight of flame,)

Smash activity book (distraction)

Raspberry sorbet gum (self soothe- taste)

Lavender fragrance oil. (Self soothe, smell)

My magic wand.

Ideas and extra comments to add to wellness journal.

I’m okayer now

30 Jul

Last night was rough.  I tried reaching out to 4 different people, then posted on my blog looking for someone to talk to.  While waiting I took 4 Valium and got out my Wellness box.  I didn’t text 20 something’s friend because his final is today and I knew he’d be working on homework.  He just happened to text me about school and I took it as a sign and talked with him a little while still looking through the box, until I calmed down.

It’s not like me to get that riled up about something.  I just feel like I have this pressure building inside me and when one thing starts to stress me out it’s the end of my world.  I’m happy I didn’t cut or do anything stupid last night, but frustrated that I had the urges over something I think I should be able to handle.  I know with BPD I’m more susceptible to abandonment and rejection along with intense interpersonal relationships.  I just feel like all the intensity is on my side.  I try not to be impulsive and act out, I control myself pretty good for the most part.  I use to be out of control so I can see the progress.  But why do I still have these unhealthy urges to do the same behavior as a teenager.  It makes me feel immature and childish but that’s just invalidating.

Anyways, I wrote a post on the FB group that I was stepping down as facilitator and that I was sorry.  I plan on making cards for the remaining facilitators to let them know what I like about them and the good I’ve had being a facilitator so far this year.  I don’t want to end on a sour key.

A bit of a rant

29 Jul

I’m not good with relationships and I don’t handle rejection/being left out/abandoned/judged any of that well.  I’m having a real hard time staying committed to being a 20 something’s facilitator.  I’m upset that they have me on the schedule for next week and I won’t be here.  I’m trying to trouble shot that but no one has responded.  Yes I know it’s Facebook.  I don’t really want to go to group tomorrow, it is a potluck which means more of a social night.  But I need to go and solve the problem of next week.  The idea of that and that I’m suppose to be co-facilitating a group where me and the girl haven’t came up with a game plan is stressing me out.  I can’t sleep.  I’m going through all the people who go/have been to group and judging them.  That’s not a normal Marci thing to do.  I’m not sure what to do anymore.  I feel like if I step down, I will be abandoning the obligation I signed up for a year ago.  If I go on for these next three months I feel like my mental health will suffer.  I don’t know the middle ground and I’m sure no one else sees this as serious.  I just feel stuck and now I can’t sleep.

What is it

20 Jun

I’ve blacked out a few times. Once I woke up with a bottle of pills in my car in the parking lot of Walmart. Another time I woke up in the morning with several cuts on my upper stomach and blood on my shirt.   I’ve “lost” my scissors (one of the things I use to cut with) then vaguely remember they’re in the bathroom in a box with bubble bath and stuff, easy to find. I’ve also blacked out and woke up in the hospital. There’s probably other times too, but these are the most memorable.

I don’t drink and have never tried any drugs, even marijuana. My case manager said something about sensory overload and I just black out. I think it more likely has to do with stress, extreme emotions, or dissociation. Anyone else have these blackouts? I’m scared of what I could do, when I’m not really aware of it.

Protected: Past my breaking point

7 May

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