Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. Will the US come to this again? So many things to stress about.
It’s Monday. The cycle continues. Bouncing up during the week then down on the weekends. I need to get stuff done I wish I could get my mom going on helping me start the t-shirts. That’s really where I’m stuck at right now. That and fundraising. But it’ll all work out. Because I’m up and have no cares.
The outside of the box.
The box had slits in it to let the magic out.
Bubble wrap to pop when frustrated.
Brain flex stress ball.
Smaller tigger from keychain. Soft to touch.
My Wellness Journal. Here’s a post with video on more about it.
An older “book of encouragement”
iPod and earphones with soothing and distracting songs. (Really helps with voices.)
Soap bar my case manager gave me for my birthday one year.
Smooth rock (self-soothe touch also good for grounding)
Labendar bath bubbles (self-soothe smell and relaxation in the tub)
Bath salts (smell and relaxation)
Candle (self-soothe, smell; pleasing sight of flame,)
Smash activity book (distraction)
Raspberry sorbet gum (self soothe- taste)
Lavender fragrance oil. (Self soothe, smell)
My magic wand.
Ideas and extra comments to add to wellness journal.
I’ve blacked out a few times. Once I woke up with a bottle of pills in my car in the parking lot of Walmart. Another time I woke up in the morning with several cuts on my upper stomach and blood on my shirt. I’ve “lost” my scissors (one of the things I use to cut with) then vaguely remember they’re in the bathroom in a box with bubble bath and stuff, easy to find. I’ve also blacked out and woke up in the hospital. There’s probably other times too, but these are the most memorable.
I don’t drink and have never tried any drugs, even marijuana. My case manager said something about sensory overload and I just black out. I think it more likely has to do with stress, extreme emotions, or dissociation. Anyone else have these blackouts? I’m scared of what I could do, when I’m not really aware of it.