Tag Archives: social awkwardness

Excited new opportunities

27 Jul

I feel like I’m beginning to start a new life coming up soon when I transfer to UC Davis.  Just today I got e-mailed my course syllabus for my summer session class that starts Monday.  Yesterday I selected my student housing apartment and found out who would likely be my housemates.  I’m looking into other therapists to see for the gender dysphoria and other blogs to follow, of people who might be like me.  I picked up my child and adolescent psych records yesterday and will bring them to my counseling appointment tomorrow.  I need to talk to someone about my social functioning and how to deal with that and transitioning at Davis especially since apparently I don’t have ASD, I’m suppose to broach the gender identity topic with the therapist but she will get the ASD evaluation, either way I don’t see her until August 28th.  I will see if my case manager can read the ASD eval and maybe that will help things; I know she doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel qualified to work on the gender identity stuff.  i wonder if the therapist will just refer to another person within Kaiser.  Sometimes A lot of times my health insurance is a joke.

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom.  Which isn’t healthy.  Sometimes it’s not.  I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much.  I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue.  I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy.  I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say.  I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something.  I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will.  I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama.  I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with.  I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change.  So many questions and probably few will get answered.

Out with it

22 Jun

Why I asked/my case manager pushed for the Autistic Spectrum Disorder evaluation:

  • I was just in October of 2015 diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, even though I have had sensory issues that have made functioning on different levels difficult for as long as I can remember.
  • Problems with eye-contact
  • Don’t shake hands or high 5 because I don’t like people touching the palms of my hands; I just kinda stand there if I don’t know them.  Backwards high 5 people I do know, and have recently became more of a hugger
  • Clumsiness/ motor skills; I fall a lot, and my case manager says I walk funny
  • Bad communication skills in general
  • Awkward social skills
  • Most my life have had one or two friends except high school
  • Will not use the phone, usually have my mom pretend to be me and make calls for me
  • Very small group of things I like to eat and places I will eat those food at and thats all I eat over and over again, don’t try new things.
  • Won’t eat yogurt, jello, cottage cheese, or things with a similar consistency (SPD)
  • Wearing same clothes, like smell and worn-out-ness of already worn clothes.
  • Won’t wear certain fabrics, closed toe shoes, socks, or gloves unless necessary (SPD)
  • Won’t wash, lotion, antibacterial soap, sunscreen or let most liquid touch my lands; occasionally lick them when they feel dry (SPD)
  • Loud music (like at clubs/bars) makes my eyes blink and head spin (SPD)
  • Flashing lights do the same (SPD)

Some quirks

11 Sep

That are probably symptoms of mental illness.  (I don’t self diagnosis but have a lot of habits or symptoms of disorders but they don’t interfere with my life, at least I don’t think they do)

  • I only eat out at about 6 restaurants and get on food kicks.  Currently I’m eating a cheese enchilada, all beans, and a flour tortilla about 5 times a week in the last 2 months or so.
  • Most summers all I eat is one specific brand of cereal and ice cream.  This year I’ve nixed the ice cream due to weight gain but the cereal is Life.  Last year it was Life too.  The year before Lucky Charms.  The year before that Kix.  I tend to cycle between the three.  I’ve already had two bowls of life cereal today for breakfast and lunch.
  • I’m clumsy.  I fall a lot often for no reason.  I have terrible balance.  Lots of times I have bruises and things from falling that I don’t really re-call.  I just found out this year that it might have to do with my sensory disorder.
  • I’m really awkward in social setting.  I talk fast and ramble, especially when there is silence.  I can’t stand silence.  I don’t know social rules or norms that good so some stuff I say is completely inappropriate.
  • I don’t wash my hands very often.  Or put lotion or sunscreen on.  I don’t like liquids touching my hands.  Also new realization that relates to my sensory disorder.
  • I used to refuse to take classes in college unless I knew one person in them, so if we had to do group projects I would know someone.  Also incredibly shy and never talk to but one person in the class and only if required.
  • I was suppose to be left handed but my mom changed me when I was little.  I have found left handed written letters I don’t remember due to dissociation.
  • In junior high I told everyone I had multiple personalities, there names were Marci, Darcy, and Birdie.  Little did I know about 15 years later a therapist would suggest dissociative identity disorder.
  • When I use to self harm it would have to be in parallel lines and in odd multiples usually 3-11.
  • I have CDs of Marci Music that are just composed of songs with lyrics that I think relate to my life, I also have a song category here on Facebook.
  • In 7th grade I was voted best attitude on my team, kind of a popularity thing.  I think it was due to me spending my lunch money on candy and soda and giving half of it away.
  • I’ve never tried drugs not even marijuana, there is so much addiction in my family.
  • I’m 32 and still live at home. 😦
  • Since age 19 I’ve been in weekly therapy.  Most my therapists just go over how my week was and it’s like having an outlet and a person to talk to.  Mostly private and expensive
  • I have very strange sleep habits that cycle though.  Currently I sleep in about 2-4 hours blocks that add up to about 8 or 9 hours a day.
  • I’m afraid to make friends because I think they will leave or reject me.  Just recently would I consider myself to have a “best friend”
  • For awhile I thought I was asexual, now I think it’s more greysexual and related to trauma and psych meds.
  • I don’t like my breasts and want a reduction or removed, for while I thought this might be a trans type thing because I think it’s be easier to be a boy.  But now in the community I realize it’s not, I feel like a girl and identify as a girl- not a very girly girl but a girl
  • I went to a private christian university for 2 years, when I was trying to repent and live the “straight” lifestyle.  I was miserable.  The students sucked but the teachers were good.
  • I often have to end sentences with the words “Not that I remember” because of my severe memory issues with trauma and ECT

Coping or change? & Projecting the future

4 Jul

Tonight I had a 4th of July party with some of my friends from the 20 somethings group coming.  Last year’s party was out of this world and I was trying not to set myself up for disappointment this year.  I even debated having the party because I was sure it wouldn’t live up to last year.  And it didn’t but it was still a great party.  So I’m glad I had it.

There were a lot of couples at the party so that was interesting, but people mixed okay.  I felt a little awkward at points but that’s the norm with me.  Somehow and I think part way into a discussion people were talking about change and coping.  One guy was mentioning how he tends to be shy naturally but “changes” to be extroverted so he has friends.  Another person said this was coping.  I’m naturally an introvert and it takes a lot of energy and comfort to try and go to social events.  It’s easier if I’m hosting, that’s my way of meeting in the middle.  Just last session my case manager was talking about how I’m not naturally a social/extroverted/outgoing type of person and everyone (even her) has push me to be one.  Have I magically changed into one of those people from hosting and attending events?  Nope, I’m less anxious some times but I cope.  I do it because having a social network is important to me, whether the friends are on a more superficial level or a deep close friendship.  I do it because I know how easy it is for me to isolate myself and then feel even more lonely and depressed.  And I do it because that’s what I am “suppose” to do.

I’m not sure what will happen when I’ve run this course with my 20 somethings group.  In my age range people are more about settling down, starting families, or developing careers.  If I end up moving out with the girl, which a lot of stuff has to pend I expect I will still have some contact with people from group; even if I’m not attending regularly.  I don’t know how I feel about this yet.  I’m also not sure what will happen when 20 something’s friend moves, obviously we won’t be able to have as close as a friendship as we do now.  But it’s hard for me to think about trying to make a new best friend- I have high standards and tend to trust slowly.

But if I move out and start dating more seriously, maybe I’ll settle down and she will also fill that “best friend” role.  I know I am projecting things that are out of my control.  But thinking and planning ahead makes me less anxious.  So far I’ve asked 20 somethings friend and my sister what they think about the moving out possibility and have gotten their feedback.  Both seem to be positive with some reservations, each one being concerned about different things. This week I’ll be at the NAMI national conference so the week after that I will see my case manager and ask her opinion.  Then I’ll probably mull it over for another week before even presenting the proposition to the girl.  And it kind of frustrates me I’ll do all this and she may not even be interested.  But I have some back up people in mind…

Forcing things

14 Dec

I think I tend to force things into what I think they should be, problem is sometimes I guess I’m not right or things are fine the way they are or whatever.  I guess I just make it awkwarder, when trying to make a situation less awkward.  I forget not everyone likes conversation and silence doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.  While I am usually all for learning what I can do better in situations, it bothers me that there is always something to point out- no matter how well things went.  I guess I thought that if I can force things to be perfect, I will be.  😦


23 Nov

Last night I went to the local gay bar with some friends for country line dancing. I just learned gay country line dancing is a thing. The country dancing was for two hours and then we stayed at the club for another couple hours before we left. Makes me notice how far I’ve come. So many people and so close together. Trying new things. Tonight we went to SF for gay country line dancing but tonight it’s just 20 something’s friend, another friend and me. I’ve danced more tonight than I’ve ever probably danced before. I also danced with two people I didn’t know along with doing a circle dance thing where you switched partners multiple times.   In the last two nights I’ve really noticed my discomfort of people being close to me physically, even if I know them well.

Update: Last couple days

22 Sep

So it’s been a bit since I last updated with the general one being Friday.

Friday night we ended up going to Random Restaurant Friday and 20 something’s friend came too.  He was coming over to study and use the internet since his has been out for the last week.  We ended up having to wait 30 minutes to an hour which was why he ended up joining the family with us for Random Restaurant Friday.  Lil sis and her boyfriend came to town for the weekend for dad’s surprise birthday party and almost ended up joining us for dinner.  It would have made the wait even longer so I had my sister use her disuading voice and they went to dinner at Costco.  So hanging out with my friend Friday helped me feel better.

Saturday was spent a lot of the time just trying to past the time till my date.  We were putting the last minute details to dad’s surprise birthday party that was happening the next day.  I went to the party store with my sister to buy supplies.  I got ready and was trying on different outfits, it was such a new experience for me.  The girl was texting me and I was sort of wishing I had set up the dinner date earlier.  Anyways, the date went well.  I felt awkward and anxious the entire time, which I was totally expecting.  I wasn’t expecting to eat as much food as I did but with it in front of me and being nervous I just gobbled it all up.  I have this thing I do where I think all silence is an awkward silence and I just ramble, probably about things I shouldn’t talk about or that make other people weirded out but that’s just what I do.  So I ended up disclosing my mental illness and my current work/living situation and why that was.  She seemed cool with it so that was good.  She said she was manic depressive but then when I mentioned the term bipolar she was like no I don’t get angry… so not sure exactly how much she understands about mental illness.  She mentioned that she is trans and it was all very confusing to me and being in the moment I didn’t ask much about it but I definitely have some questions for next time we get together, which hopefully will be this upcoming weekend.  After we finished dinner and dessert, we walked to our cars and ended up talking for an extra like 15 minutes which was kinda strange because I didn’t know how to say goodbye and it was like we both didn’t want to leave each other yet.  I also like didn’t know how to close the date off and at the end she was like is it okay if I hug you, I’m a hugger (or something like that) and we had a goodnight hug and then each drove home.  On the way home I texted her that I had a nice time and that if she was serious about grilling the at rib eye (something we were talking about at dinner) I was up for it and she said yes, which made me think we’ll have another date.  I am not the initiator in relationships of any kind really so it’s going to be weird how this works out… like I totally would have been down for a good night kiss but didn’t want to try and have her turn away or something.  With my rejection issues and how the week had been going I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.  She talked about being really indecisive when we met but she seems confident.  I don’t know maybe I’ll tell her that with my lack of relationship experience I’ll let her take the lead, another awkward/word vomit thing when I was talking about my lack of relationships.  I don’t really know what I’m doing and I’m not super invested so I guess it’s kind of exciting figuring all this out.

Sunday/today I was suppose to distract dad for 2 hours while the people got there for the surprise party and set up.  I was a little nervous about us getting into an argument or something because that’s been happening a lot lately but the plan actually went off without a hitch.  We went mini golfing because we couldn’t go out to eat, the surprise party had all his favorite foods.  It kinda worked out in a funny situation because since last week we had the argument when we were eating that I was kind of using him as just someone to go to eat with, so I played on that.  I won the mini golf game by one point!  Afterwards I played in the arcade and won these awesome glasses with my tickets.

me star glasses

The time it took to drive out there back, play one game of mini golf and play a little arcade games, was perfect and my dad was very surprised.  The party was okay, I spent most of it hanging out with my grandma or inside.  My uncle (dad’s brother) and grandpa (dad’s dad) came along with some of my dad’s friends.  I don’t really like my uncle and grandpa and they are too much like my dad so it’s like an overdose of that personality/persona.  It’s also awkward because when the abuse questions were going on my mom implied that my grandpa may have sexually abused me and it some how got back to my dad.  Everything in this family get’s back to people, although I don’t think he ever knew/knows it was my mom who put the idea there.  But like with everything and my bad memory I can’t say that something did or didn’t happen and I’m not sure if it’s blown over or what not but obviously don’t want to say anything.  Also my dad’s friends that came brought their daughters and while they are my age, my sisters talk to them more and I don’t even think I said hi.  I just don’t relate and I don’t like being too social anyways.  I would have been hanging out with the kids, like I usually do but they’re both 12 now and were too busy on their iPhones listening to music and doing whatever to be bothered.

Now 20 something’s friend is over and I’m typing up this blog instead of doing homework, lol.  I did accomplish a little bit by finishing a journal entry for French class.

Social awkwardness/anxiety and things most people already understand

7 Jul

1. Some people like to do things spur of the moment.
2. You do not have to like everyone in a group.
3. Just because you weren’t invited to one thing doesn’t mean people don’t like you.
4. There are different levels of liking people and that’s okay.
5. Some people naturally click.
6. Not all people should be trusted.
7. It’s okay to trust some people.
8. Periodic silence is okay.

It’s probably just me

9 Apr

I’m awkward.  I feel like I never say the right things when I am around people and for a long time that ruled my life.  I was so scared of someone judging me or not liking me that I just didn’t give people the opportunity to (Avoidant Personality Disorder.)  I don’t think I meet the criteria for it anymore but I am constantly anxious in social situations or any unfamiliar situation.  Part is low self-esteem, (a large) part lack of confidence, part anxiety, and part just not really knowing what to do or say.  It can be things that may be seen as rather dumb like ordering food special and then when it doesn’t come right, just dissembling it myself rather than sending it back.  Or it can be huge like being afraid to talk to people or to maintain a conversation.  It is so hard for me to be around people because I don’t think I am saying or doing the right thing, Sometimes my sisters have said that I do have an awkwardness about me, yet they are constantly reassuring me that I’m personable once you get to know me.  I am usually more relaxed once I get comfortable but it takes quite awhile to get comfortable (like months) and the smallest thing will have me second guessing myself again.  The reason I mention this now is that I have been spending a lot more time developing a stronger social circle and my stomach is constantly in knots.