Tag Archives: social anxiety

People…people…people

13 Mar

So overanalyzing as I often do…

I’m comfortable with how my social life is right now. (should probably knock on some wood)  I have one best friend and I don’t see him much because we are both busy with school now.  We aren’t even texting each other between classes or when he’s at work or anything too, but that’s not bothering me or poking at my BPD abandonment fears.  I’m all okay.  Even as I went to the NAMI Walks Kickoff Luncheon on Friday I was reminded of how I don’t like doing this social stuff.  When I talk to people in class and make “small talk” how I wish I could avoid it or how it seems so awkward.  Things have changed.  I’ve always been kind of a loner, but a loner that thought they needed someone to complete them or take care of them.  Now I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay by myself.  But do I want to be by myself?  Sort of?  I like the situation with me and 20 somethings friend and I like it better when there are breaks and we can have more fun when we both have more open schedule and can hang out more.  But I remember being disappointed when people are busy with work, school, friends, or whatever and I’m bored with nothing.  But I do not need or want a lot of socialization it wears me out and it’s hard and I wonder if the whole Autistic Spectrum thing is playing into that.

So as far as my socializing ability/roles whatever goes I have the schizo stuff kinda dis-intreset disconnect, the BPD abandonment fears + i need someone, the social anxiety, and now maybe some aspie stuff mixed in too

Like I wasn’t complicated enough before, I guess this is just changing the equation

More on sex

6 Feb

I don’t think whatever this last relationship or not is going to work out.  It’s okay I’m not overly attached.  This is my 3rd-ish relationship and it’s becoming clearer that I’m more of a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of girl which makes some sense and on other sides doesn’t- story of my life, right?  With the first girl, I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship but was sort of willing to play the game to gain sexual experience due to changes in life experience the relationship fizzled out.   With M in January she got super possessive and lovey dovey saying “I love you” with in a week of dating and sex, I told her it was moving quickly but it didn’t seem to phase her.  The sex was great but we only dated for a month.  She claimed I lied to her and broke her heart.  This last relationship lasted a few weeks, with M we had sex by thee 2nd date so I didn’t want to make that mistake again plus this go around with G she had kids.  She was more cuddely which I told her I wasn’t into, but that I was ok with physical intimacy.  We text on and off, but I never felt anything substantial.  After we had sex, I’ve felt compelled to text her a few times, but it always seems she has drama going on in her life.  I predict this will fizzle out too.  Social anxiety, fear of rejection/abandonment, being gay, and female make an interesting mix on my (lack of) sex life and desire.

Oh… the future

1 Dec

I’ve been forced to think about the future lately, especially in regards for transferring for school.  I clicked all the proper buttons and have now applied to 6 schools, including UC Davis which I have a transfer agreement with.  20 somethings friend is looking into scholarships, I think that would be too stressful for me.  This is a good opportunity to mention how thankful I am of my financial situation.  Working very little creates less stress, and gives me time to go to school and work on my mental health.  I’m pretty sure I will end up at UC Davis even if I get into one of my more preferred schools.

This last month or so has had some eye opening opportunities about how vulnerable I really am.  If I hadn’t made amends with 20 somethings friend Saturday, I’d probably be in the hospital.  Knowing how close I am to the ledge has me doubting my ability to move very far.  My initial plan was to use campus housing at UC Davis and it would kind of force me to get out of the house and move out.  I was hoping that after my time living there I would meet someone I could become roommates with or I could live on my own.  Now I’m considering staying at home and commuting to UC Davis, but I worry I’ll take the easy way out and only be on campus when I’m in class.  It’s hard with social anxiety, not to mention everything else.

I’m still worrying about 20 somethings friend leaving but after our argument last week I feel a little stronger in the relationships, though I have no idea what I will do next time I need support.  I’m picturing my future alone and I don’t like that prospect.  Once he moves away I probably wont have much if any contact with people from the 20 somethings group.  I have one other friend that I do stuff with sometimes but usually her husband hangs out with my dad; so not sure how that’ll be if I move out.  Other than that it’s family and mental health professionals.  I’m only close with one or two bloggers from WordPress, one I use to killed herself earlier this year.  It’s so hard making and sustaining relationships.  I’m talking to someone from the online dating service but I never really know what to say or how to say things.

Who I am

15 Oct

I strive really hard for people to be included.  I know what’s its like to feel left out and I don’t want anyone to feel that way.  When I have get togethers or parties that I host, I try to invite everyone.  Usually even people I don’t like very much, I also don’t like to rock the boat.  Feeling left out in the 20 somethings group this year has been something I’ve struggled with.  I want to be included, I don’t have to be your best friend, but I think it’s rude if you talk about plans and invite others in front of people who aren’t invited.  I still try to hang out with some of the people who are involved with this.  I try not to take it personally.  After having left too many times in tears, I decided to step down as a facilitator.  I debated cutting all times with people from the 20 somethings group except 20 somethings friend, but I didn’t.  I still sometimes wonder if I should.  Tonight I decided to go to group.  I had a good day and wasn’t already fragile, I was but I wasn’t but anyways, I decided to go to group.  I had texted the other friend from group earlier in the day, just to see how she was doing and she sounded really happy and was talking about a bunch of people wearing onesies.  I decided I’d play along her and two other people were supposedly doing it.  About 30 minutes before leaving I got really paranoid that this was some kind of trick to embarrass me.  I fought the paranoid thoughts.  I went to group in my Tigger costume since that was the closest to a onesie I had.  Only two people had it, one had already backed out.  But I was feeling okay, probably looked a little stupid but was still feeling okay.  Then 20 somethings friend showed up with another friend from group.  My feeling were instantly hurt but you can’t change gut reactions.   I tried to think positive things and waved “hi.”  I didn’t want to go be clingy or interrupt since it was clear they came together.  I was sitting at a table with some of the people who are cliquey.  I try to get along with everyone.  It was game night, they decided to play a 4 person game and I was the fifth one at the table so I moved my chair over towards the other table to join their game.  It was taboo which is a big group game so it worked out good.  Still trying to get over my jealous feelings.  It’s odd to know a feeling is automatic and irrational but not to be able to beat the feeling at the same time.

After group we always go hang out for an hour or so.  Everyone was in little clumps of people and one person was asking where we wanted to go.  Most people couldn’t hear her over the chatter.  Two people, one that went to group with 20 somethings friend, and 20 somethings friend said one restaurant.  No one else was deciding and kept chattering.  I kind of looked at them like if I could go with them, and I did.  By this time my feelings were beginning to cool down and I hadn’t seen the other two people in awhile and I like them.  We sort of took off by ourselves.  It was nice catching up with the other two girls and most people probably though I just went to be with 20 something friend but I didn’t.  I didn’t even know he was coming tonight.  Anyways, while talking I almost fell out of chair- it didn’t really faze me and I kept talking as I straightened back up the chair and sat down.  They looked at me like I was odd, but I’m use to falling and my clumsiness.  I’m getting better at just being me.  Anyways, one of the girls also mentioned feeling left out and that really helped validate the feelings I’ve been having.  It also helped with empathy of why 20 somethings friend was with her.

When we left we ran into 3 other people that had been at group earlier.  They asked where we went and we told them.  One was a facilitator and my friend on FB, I had already invited him to the Halloween party but not the other two since we’re not friends on Facebook.  I verbally invited them and will not look them up on Facebook to e-invite them.  I’m just trying to learn how to be who I am and how that works with other people.   I don’t want to compromise my values but I also have to take care of myself emotionally.  I think I did that tonight.

Update- uneasy

5 Oct

I’m feeling really uneasy right now. The voices made a quick joke about the school shooting on Thursday. I just kinda shrugged it off. Saturday night we got bits a verbal tirade that ended up with me taking an extra Latuda and 2 Valium. Last night I was afraid of the same so I took NyQuil so they wouldn’t have a chance. It worked, but I had bad dreams. I’m really anxious and paranoid regarding social activities and the social circle and its playing out in my dreams. I wake up crying or pissed off. Like these things are happening in real life. Reality is blurring in so many ways and I feel a breakdown coming on. I wish someone would just tell me it’s alright and it won’t get that bad, but who knows. Very stressed and uneasy.

Some quirks

11 Sep

That are probably symptoms of mental illness.  (I don’t self diagnosis but have a lot of habits or symptoms of disorders but they don’t interfere with my life, at least I don’t think they do)

  • I only eat out at about 6 restaurants and get on food kicks.  Currently I’m eating a cheese enchilada, all beans, and a flour tortilla about 5 times a week in the last 2 months or so.
  • Most summers all I eat is one specific brand of cereal and ice cream.  This year I’ve nixed the ice cream due to weight gain but the cereal is Life.  Last year it was Life too.  The year before Lucky Charms.  The year before that Kix.  I tend to cycle between the three.  I’ve already had two bowls of life cereal today for breakfast and lunch.
  • I’m clumsy.  I fall a lot often for no reason.  I have terrible balance.  Lots of times I have bruises and things from falling that I don’t really re-call.  I just found out this year that it might have to do with my sensory disorder.
  • I’m really awkward in social setting.  I talk fast and ramble, especially when there is silence.  I can’t stand silence.  I don’t know social rules or norms that good so some stuff I say is completely inappropriate.
  • I don’t wash my hands very often.  Or put lotion or sunscreen on.  I don’t like liquids touching my hands.  Also new realization that relates to my sensory disorder.
  • I used to refuse to take classes in college unless I knew one person in them, so if we had to do group projects I would know someone.  Also incredibly shy and never talk to but one person in the class and only if required.
  • I was suppose to be left handed but my mom changed me when I was little.  I have found left handed written letters I don’t remember due to dissociation.
  • In junior high I told everyone I had multiple personalities, there names were Marci, Darcy, and Birdie.  Little did I know about 15 years later a therapist would suggest dissociative identity disorder.
  • When I use to self harm it would have to be in parallel lines and in odd multiples usually 3-11.
  • I have CDs of Marci Music that are just composed of songs with lyrics that I think relate to my life, I also have a song category here on Facebook.
  • In 7th grade I was voted best attitude on my team, kind of a popularity thing.  I think it was due to me spending my lunch money on candy and soda and giving half of it away.
  • I’ve never tried drugs not even marijuana, there is so much addiction in my family.
  • I’m 32 and still live at home. 😦
  • Since age 19 I’ve been in weekly therapy.  Most my therapists just go over how my week was and it’s like having an outlet and a person to talk to.  Mostly private and expensive
  • I have very strange sleep habits that cycle though.  Currently I sleep in about 2-4 hours blocks that add up to about 8 or 9 hours a day.
  • I’m afraid to make friends because I think they will leave or reject me.  Just recently would I consider myself to have a “best friend”
  • For awhile I thought I was asexual, now I think it’s more greysexual and related to trauma and psych meds.
  • I don’t like my breasts and want a reduction or removed, for while I thought this might be a trans type thing because I think it’s be easier to be a boy.  But now in the community I realize it’s not, I feel like a girl and identify as a girl- not a very girly girl but a girl
  • I went to a private christian university for 2 years, when I was trying to repent and live the “straight” lifestyle.  I was miserable.  The students sucked but the teachers were good.
  • I often have to end sentences with the words “Not that I remember” because of my severe memory issues with trauma and ECT

31 Days of Lists Challenge: Day 14

6 Sep

31 days of list challenge

Day 14: I want to learn how to…

  • Knit
  • Speak/Read/Write/Understand French
  • Speak/Read/Write/Understand Hebrew
  • Speak/Read/Write/Understand Latin
  • Speak/Read/Write/Understand Greek
  • Speak/Read/Write/Understand German
  • be comfortable in social situations
  • be okay being alone
  • be more confident/improve my self-esteem
  • regulate my emotions better
  • not care what other’s think anymore.

31 Days of Lists Challenge: Day 5

14 Aug

31 days of list challenge

Day 5: Fears

  • Social situations
  • Falling into psychosis and never coming out
  • Getting better
  • Not getting better
  • The phone
  • The future
  • Failure
  • Being alone for the rest of my life

Socially Awkward Tuesday

11 Aug

These memes are so me, especially the one about text messages and embarrassing moments you still lose sleep over.

Love Me Challenge Day 14

30 Jul

Day 14: A fear you overcame.

Coming to terms with my sexuality and coming out to family and friends.  Going to a social LGBT group and meeting new friends.  I have real bad anxiety and a history of Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Remember:

comfort zone