Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
Couldn’t sleep, that’s the mixture of red bull (energy drinks) and psych meds (plus a little more psych meds than you are suppose to be taking). Now my minds rollin’ in all kinds of directions. Excited about the possible opportunity at San Diego State but wondering about the comfort and security of UC Davis. Still got that ASD evaluation taking a lot of space up in my mind. People have asked me if it changes anything, and I don’t know how to explain the answer. Anyways, I was just playing a mock interview in the bath tub a couple minutes ago. I hope they don’t ask me about my childhood because I don’t remember much of that and I really don’t want to get my parents involved in this or for them to even know the outcome, either way or that I had the assessment.
I found out just after midnight I’m about a week late for both community colleges for petitioning to graduate in the spring, so I guess it looks like my AA degrees will say on them Fall 2016. I’m going to talk to both colleges Monday, I swear a faculty member told me to petition early March but I doubt that will grant me any lee way. It’s a good thing that I don’t need those degrees for either transfer college, because I did put it in my UC Application Essay, that I’d have them by Spring 2016. Where is my time machine?!? Bad memory sucks, wish I could blame ECT for all this…
I stole these from a blog I follow, because I want something to do and distract me.
1 Are you a morning person or a night owl? I’ve really changed my sleeping habits though out life and go through cycles. Right now I am a morning person but I can be a night owl when spending time with friends because of the “high” of interaction, this is if I’m having a good time.
2 Tea or coffee? Neither. Water
3 How do you think the internet has changed your life? I had a computer in the home at a relatively young age because of the businesses office being in our house. I learned the dos opperating system and helped do the books when in elementary school. I vaguely remember the internet being popular in junior high school and with dial up. As a college student I’m thankful for the internet for school work. I’m also thankful for the blogging community, support and information I get here.
4 Share a favourite saying of yours? I don’t really have one. I say “I’m fine” a lot but most times I’m not and it is kinda automatic.
5 What is your favourite tv show? I don’t really watch TV unless I’m with someone. I watch Orange is The New Black with my sister. With 20 somethings friend I’ve seen sense8, Glee, and Always Sunny in Philadelphia
6 Do you enjoy any special hobbies? I like smash booking.
7 Are you afraid of anything? future, past, going into a complete psychosis and losing my mind, being alone, being abandoned, the phone, new things, social situations. Fear to me is anxiety and I have a lot of that.
8 What makes you really angry? My family. Myself when I let myself down.
9 Sun or rain? Rain preferably while sunny, like in Hawaii.
10 Who inspires you? People who believe in me make me do my best, so those people.
11 Why did you start blogging? As a place to vent.
That are probably symptoms of mental illness. (I don’t self diagnosis but have a lot of habits or symptoms of disorders but they don’t interfere with my life, at least I don’t think they do)
I only eat out at about 6 restaurants and get on food kicks. Currently I’m eating a cheese enchilada, all beans, and a flour tortilla about 5 times a week in the last 2 months or so.
Most summers all I eat is one specific brand of cereal and ice cream. This year I’ve nixed the ice cream due to weight gain but the cereal is Life. Last year it was Life too. The year before Lucky Charms. The year before that Kix. I tend to cycle between the three. I’ve already had two bowls of life cereal today for breakfast and lunch.
I’m clumsy. I fall a lot often for no reason. I have terrible balance. Lots of times I have bruises and things from falling that I don’t really re-call. I just found out this year that it might have to do with my sensory disorder.
I’m really awkward in social setting. I talk fast and ramble, especially when there is silence. I can’t stand silence. I don’t know social rules or norms that good so some stuff I say is completely inappropriate.
I don’t wash my hands very often. Or put lotion or sunscreen on. I don’t like liquids touching my hands. Also new realization that relates to my sensory disorder.
I used to refuse to take classes in college unless I knew one person in them, so if we had to do group projects I would know someone. Also incredibly shy and never talk to but one person in the class and only if required.
I was suppose to be left handed but my mom changed me when I was little. I have found left handed written letters I don’t remember due to dissociation.
In junior high I told everyone I had multiple personalities, there names were Marci, Darcy, and Birdie. Little did I know about 15 years later a therapist would suggest dissociative identity disorder.
When I use to self harm it would have to be in parallel lines and in odd multiples usually 3-11.
I have CDs of Marci Music that are just composed of songs with lyrics that I think relate to my life, I also have a song category here on Facebook.
In 7th grade I was voted best attitude on my team, kind of a popularity thing. I think it was due to me spending my lunch money on candy and soda and giving half of it away.
I’ve never tried drugs not even marijuana, there is so much addiction in my family.
I’m 32 and still live at home. 😦
Since age 19 I’ve been in weekly therapy. Most my therapists just go over how my week was and it’s like having an outlet and a person to talk to. Mostly private and expensive
I have very strange sleep habits that cycle though. Currently I sleep in about 2-4 hours blocks that add up to about 8 or 9 hours a day.
I’m afraid to make friends because I think they will leave or reject me. Just recently would I consider myself to have a “best friend”
For awhile I thought I was asexual, now I think it’s more greysexual and related to trauma and psych meds.
I don’t like my breasts and want a reduction or removed, for while I thought this might be a trans type thing because I think it’s be easier to be a boy. But now in the community I realize it’s not, I feel like a girl and identify as a girl- not a very girly girl but a girl
I went to a private christian university for 2 years, when I was trying to repent and live the “straight” lifestyle. I was miserable. The students sucked but the teachers were good.
I often have to end sentences with the words “Not that I remember” because of my severe memory issues with trauma and ECT
Today was also really good. But very busy! I again woke up around 3:30 am, don’t know why this is becoming a tradition or something? I had to leave the house around 9 am because Sacramento Pride was today and some of our group members, me included were marching in the parade. (I did get back to sleep from like 4-7 am) The parade began at 11 am but we were the last float/entry so we waited quite a bit and it was hot today. There were 7 of us that marched in the parade, this was my first time. I do have to say marching in the parade is a lot funner than watching it. Afterwards, we met up other friends and went to the festival all day (till 5 pm) it was 93 degrees, so hot. It was a little anxiety producing because people kept getting split up, I kept my cool though. Today was also the first day I hit 10,000 steps on my FitBit! My goal is to lose 30 lbs that I gained with the new med regimen I started in October, it’s over 3 months and totally doable but I will have to work on it. After the festival I had some of the people over to swim and it was fun. I sorta want to throw another 4th of July party but we (the whole family) will just be getting back from Mexico. I’m also weary to throw it because last years was so well, probably my favorite memory of 2014. Having people over successfully and socializing when I want to really makes me feel good and connected, I was at ease even though three of the people I barely knew from group. This morning a few things were bothering me that I put in password protected posts, but it seems like a distant memory now. So I’m exhausted and this is good night. Here is a pic of the flag over the festival.
Sleep has been rough these last couple days with waking up in a mood leftover from a dream sequence. The dreams usually involve family and are everyday things that could happen, so it’s much more realistic- maybe even things that have happened. I usual wake up feeling like I’m not good enough or are a burden to people, how am I suppose to start a day like that?
My new medication regimen, the Viibryd in my opinion, has my sleep all thrown off. Most days I take at least one nap sometimes for up to 4 hours. I don’t feel drowsy or groggy just the need to sleep. Fall asleep quickly during my naps and sometimes will sleep for hours if not waken. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and my intensive case manager and didn’t really get any results. My psychiatrist said if anything it was the Latuda which hadn’t been adjusted in over a month. Yesterday morning I woke up at 5am ready for the day and Thursday morning I woke up at 3am. I probably took naps both days but I’m not routinely writing it down or anything. This morning? afternoon I wake up nearly at 1pm. I feel a little groggy and light headed. My life works okay right now where I am functioning fine with an erratic sleep schedule. It’s breaks in between school and my work is once a month and very flexible. It makes me wonder though how I will do next semester with more classes. I’ve tried a number of sleep hygiene things and my own ways to moderate sleep. If I’m not sleepy and I lay in bed, my mind just goes everywhere for a couple hours till I get to sleep. If I feel the need to sleep in the day but can’t because of obligations I drink a Red Bull or some Starbucks.
Things have been odd lately but I am observing patterns. My difficulties are generally with the mornings and I mellow out, so to speak, between noon and three. My sleep is still messed up and I know I need to address it but right now I am alternating between fear, sometimes to the point of paralysis, and overwhelming feelings regarding the future and I need to address that first.
For now here is another list of accomplishments or things I am proud of lately:
Going to a sleepover last night, even though I was having bad anxiety.
Thursday not going to group, which was self care, since it was going to be an emotionally charged group and I am still to fragile.
Getting myself out of bed to do at least one social and/or self care thing each day. Mon: Counseling appt & hang out with 20 somethings friend, Tue– Support group, Wed- BBQ with high school friend’s husband and sister and brother-in-law, Thur- not go to group hang out with 20 somethings friend and get blood drawn, Fri- sleepover and blog posts.
Doing better and getting the validation that I need. I wrote a letter to case manager yesterday in my midst of morning difficulty and she wrote back and at the end it said “I’m rooting for you” which made me feel good. I talked to a blogger friend that’s been having it rough and that was nice. Comments on my blog have been helpful with validation and affirmation.
I didn’t get much sleep last night, maybe 3-4 hours and this morning I was able to lay down and relax a little which was nice. I’m trying to not self medicate with my Valium or Seroquel so I can tell my psychiatrist what my sleep patterns have been like and get his opinion. I see him today, so that should be good. Hope he offers a solution other than toughing it out. He’s like that sometimes.
I posted my post about recovery yesterday and was disappointed about not getting any comments. I thought it was so great I read it to my sister, dad, mom, and case manager. Then I posted part of where I have been and it was kinda negative but I want to get an appropriate picture.
My case manager is a little concerned about me not sleeping much. I’m more worried about the high energy and nervousness. I see my psychiatrist Friday and need to remember to ask him what he thinks, not tell him what I think. It would suck if this was just a manic high.
That’s a quick update. vlog tomorrow. And a poll, for you opinion on what vlog should be. Please vote
Marci- Me a 32 year old gay female living in California in the United States.
Mental Health- I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type. I blog about my own experience with mental health as well as resources, research, and re-blogs relating to mental health.
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