The other day I was talking about acceptance and how apparently I am suppose to accept how this is and how it’s really hard for me. The concept is called radical acceptance and is a key component of DBT in the Distress Tolerance section to cut down on suffering, not necessarily the pain but the suffering. I saw my case manager yesterday and it had been 3 weeks, last time I saw her I was not very well.
Honestly, I’m still not very well but not considering suicide how I was. I had written a password protected post about not wanting to go to the hospital because all they would do was save me and I wasn’t sure I wan’t to be saved. I was considering writing suicide notes, I have only written one set of notes in the past, though a number of goodbye poems. I put a poll up on my blog that I have finally screen-shoted the results too. All 12 who voted said they would read (immediately) a note they received immediately. The reason I placed the poll was because when I write notes, there are usually about 10, and one addressed to the general population and I was wondering to myself if it was even worth writing them. If they would even be read. It’s interesting to see how parts of life change and parts don’t. When I consider who I was going to write to it made me sort of sad to realize that some people who were so important in my life before now I wouldn’t consider writing a note just for them. (This doesn’t mean they aren’t necessarily in my life, just not as a key figure. After all I couldn’t write a note to everyone I know.)
So she asked how I got through, even though she didn’t know the extent of my suicidalness. And I told her mostly NyQuil and Valium and she was asking me how often, I guess I can’t blame her as it is part of her job. But I really don’t know, I’m usually sleepy or desperate when self-medicating. Some of the times were justified, I had barely slept or was on the verge of self harm or suicide. But many times I just woke up and had a feeling it would be a bad day, said fuck it took the pills with NyQuil and went back to bed. I didn’t bother with anything… skills or even trying out the day.
When I saw the therapist last Wednesday she was mentioning how I have to do the skills anyway. I did a worksheet when really anxious about some abandonment issues, it did minimal help. I thought about doing a worksheet when my classmates flaked on me in French and I was so pissed, but instead I resorted to self-medicating, yep 10mg Valium washed down with some NyQuil. Since the appointment those are really the only two intense emotional reactions I’ve had. The worksheet is out of the DBT Skills Workbook by harbinger and I have a link to it here. Carol Anne, I’m working on typing you one up in word formal; just the depression is killing me.
Despite the yuckiness inside, both my mind and body, (I have mentioned my colitis is back) I still seem to be treading water staying afloat and even making plans. I want to get out of here. Better yet, I need to get out of her. But, some stuff needs to be put in place so I’m starting to work on that. I’m a person who is rather secretive and I get embarrassed/ashamed when I try to make plans and they don’t work out so I have a tendency to hold my cards close. I actually told my case manager some of my intentions and she seemed rather surprised. When asked how I am managing to think ahead in the future when I’m like this; I said “I thought with the psychosis gone things would be better. It’s becoming clear that they aren’t going to get better for awhile if ever and I guess I can’t just sit around and wait anymore.” I got kinda choked up when I said this so I guess some sort of realization of acceptance is coming, whether I’m meaning for it to or not.
So I’ll let you in on a little secret since few of you know me in real life and the those that do are obviously trustworthy enough to have the blog address so it’s okay for them to know. I need to stop working. I’m barely staying afloat with school and my abnormal life. Actually the last two months I haven’t even done my work. once due to being in the hospital. So I am applying for state disability which can last up to one year. Also my priority registration at the group of local colleges I attend is running out and it will be Hell to get most classes, this and for other reasons not mentioned here I am transferring. I am planning on transferring to another local community college that is about 40 minutes away from my house. They just instituted an AA in LGBT Studies and I want to get it. I have all my college transcripts but one, (there is 5 other colleges) and once I get that one I will have them evaluated so I don’t take classes that I’ve already taken the equivalent to. I project needing about 3-4 classes to complete the degree, I already have an AA so I have met most if not all the general education requirements.
So exciting things ahead, yet I still feel blah. I guess this is life