Tag Archives: sick

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me.  I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life.  I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable.  And roundy round goes the pattern.  I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now.  I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

Presidency- Fears- Holocaust Remembrance Day- Stonewall Riots

28 Jan

Lots of stuff going on in my head lately.  Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad.  Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health.  The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country.  Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too.  Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays.  I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday.  Will the US come to this again?  So many things to stress about.

It’s been crazy busy

4 Feb

It’s been awhile since I last blogged part of it was the fall out from one of the posts I wrote the main reason however is that I’ve been busier than all get out.  After I wrote my post Shame on me, my sister read it and called me the next morning confronting me on it.  It just started another argument and some more crying, luckily I didn’t have as intense of a reaction as I did originally on Sunday.  Also on Monday I was feeling nauseous and faint all day long, I have long struggled with strangle physical complaints and discomforts that have never been addressed and no one can figure out.  At one point at school I thought I was going to throw up so I went and sat on the floor in the bathroom stall for about 10 minutes till I felt a little better.  Monday evening I had a date with my girlfriend, we were meant to be watching a movie but we ended up leaving early, (I think she didn’t think I liked the movie.)  We hung out in the car and talked until she had to drive home.  I mentioned that I’m on a lot of medication that makes me sleepy and I’ve been on and off different medications since I was 10.  I’m trying to slowly ease into my psych issues.  After the date I went to bed.

Tuesday was a busy day too and it threw me for a loop.  My Italian teacher had canceled class last Thursday due to health reasons and yesterday we had a sub.  Turns out my regular professor will be on leave for at least a month and this sub will take over teaching.  I don’t like changes in professors because they all have different styles.  The good thing is just just got this news and already had plans so this Thursday class is canceled.  That’s good because I had to miss class anyways for a trip to Canada I’m taking with my sister.  I had my DBT class in the evening and will be doing two separate posts on it and resources.  It did get uncomfortable at one point because a member in the class didn’t like the way the teachers were leading and kept making comments about not coming back and how they were bad leaders.  She was also sitting next to me 😦  After I came home from DBT we had family dinner night and game night, at the request of my brother-in-law

Today was my last day of class for the week and I’m leaving for Canada tomorrow.  I’m a little concerned about how this trip will go because of the discord with my sister from the last trip.  I woke up with a text from my girlfriend that confsued me something about her being sorry if she upset me.  I thought this was about the movie Monday and just replied I was fine.  Imagine my surprise when I get a text back that says she read my blog, specifically What does she see in me?, and want’s to make sure she doesn’t hurt me and I know that I’m loved and cared about.  First reaction, OH MY GOD! HOW DID SHE FIND MY BLOG?  WILL OTHERS? next reaction I wonder how much of it she read.  And finally how am I going to try and explain I’m not comfortable with her reading my blog or how can I make it inaccessible to her.  This is all part of what I did a DBT homework sheet on.  I’m trying not to freak out and she isn’t really responding to the texts specifically about the blog.

Feeling dejected and insecure

7 Jan

I wonder if it might be worse because physically I don’t feel good either but I’m super insecure and anxious today. With a bunch of minor emotions mixed in. I’m trying to do opposite action, but I feel no better because of it. I guess I’ve just had too many friendships end when the other person clicked with someone else better and that’s what I’m worried about. It seems so trivial and irrational but it’s still getting me worked up. Part of it is wanting to be the best friend, not just a friend. Even as a type this it sounds stupid. And I can’t communicate worth shit, especially when other people are around.

Update 1/7/15

7 Jan

I’ve been sick for the last couple days, I have some cold or the flu.  My emotions have been running crazy lately, maybe because I’ve spent so much down time because of being sick.  I posted on my blog FB page about how things are trivial and irrational and I’m feeling emotional.  My sister sent me a quick text message to say it wasn’t and I was allowed to be emotional because I was sick.  I don’t know I think she was just trying to be nice.  Even despite the sickness I’ve been doing pretty well.  I have an appointment with my case manager Friday.  Then this weekend a friend from group has a birthday trip.  But I’ve been doing some gay country line dancing in San Francisco with some friends, and met a girl who goes to one in Oakland on one Saturday a month and this month’s is this weekend.  So I’m only going to go to the cabin trip one day and then to Oakland to do line dancing.  I’m trying to put myself out there and try new things, and this one is predominately girls instead of guys.  I’m also nervous about a get together from a girl from okcupid.  I’m kind of the shy, passive one and she is too so that may mean I need to make the first move which is extremely nerve racking.

Today was a good day

11 Sep

So it started out real nerve racking.  I had my first test in French and I always dislike the first test because you don’t know the teachers style or form.  The test turned out okay and I probably got an A or B, I’ll see on Tuesday.  I was going to text a girl I met on okcupid to ask her out on a dinner date for next weekend, but it was too early at 7 am.  And I needed to call the GI department at my health insurance to see what to do about the reemergence of my ulcerative colitis, and I hate making phone calls.  It gives me horrible anxiety, but my sister says it’s good exercise, because I pace like crazy while on the phone.  Plus two wasted calls to their department yesterday.

Me and the girl have a date set up for next Saturday night.  This weekend is pretty busy and I want to make sure I’m at my best.  This is the first time I’ve asked a girl out so that was part of the nervousness, also obviously rejection or no response which is just another form of rejection.  The phone call/UC issue went okay it involved a bit of phone tag but they prescribed me a medication Lialda and I didn’t even have to go in for an appointment.  This is good because the majority of my self harm scars are on my stomach and they would be looking at it and pressing on it, also I was worried about having to have another colonoscopy because it’s been awhile since I’ve been seen.

So pretty much awesome day so far!  Been watching Giblets and we took a nap earlier.  Was able to link up a couple of the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge.  Completed a homework assignment for my Queer Film History class.  I feel happy and accomplished/proud of myself.  Days like this are rare so I need to cherish it and hope nothing jinx it later on.  Later on tonight we will be playing Pandora’s box (relating to sex) at 20 something’s group so that should be fun.  Pandora’s box is just a game where we pass around a box and you can write anything you want on it and we have discussions or answer questions.  Also just 4 more followers and I will have 800 followers, wow!

Nerve racking day

11 Sep

So I’m going to officially ask a girl out I met online and I have my first French test today. What a nerve racking day. And I forgot till just now I got to call back the GI department. Ahhhhh!!!!

Big things coming and holding my cards close

9 Sep

The other day I was talking about acceptance and how apparently I am suppose to accept how this is and how it’s really hard for me.  The concept is called radical acceptance and is a key component of DBT in the Distress Tolerance section to cut down on suffering, not necessarily the pain but the suffering.  I saw my case manager yesterday and it had been 3 weeks, last time I saw her I was not very well.

Honestly, I’m still not very well but not considering suicide how I was.  I had written a password protected post about not wanting to go to the hospital because all they would do was save me and I wasn’t sure I wan’t to be saved.  I was considering writing suicide notes, I have only written one set of notes in the past, though a number of goodbye poems.  I put a poll up on my blog that I have finally screen-shoted the results too.  All 12 who voted said they would read (immediately) a note they received immediately.  poll resultsThe reason I placed the poll was because when I write notes, there are usually about 10, and one addressed to the general population and I was wondering to myself if it was even worth writing them.  If they would even be read.  It’s interesting to see how parts of life change and parts don’t.  When I consider who I was going to write to it made me sort of sad to realize that some people who were so important in my life before now I wouldn’t consider writing a note just for them. (This doesn’t mean they aren’t necessarily in my life, just not as a key figure.  After all I couldn’t write a note to everyone I know.)

So she asked how I got through, even though she didn’t know the extent of my suicidalness.  And I told her mostly NyQuil and Valium and she was asking me how often, I guess I can’t blame her as it is part of her job.  But I really don’t know, I’m usually sleepy or desperate when self-medicating.  Some of the times were justified, I had barely slept or was on the verge of self harm or suicide.  But many times I just woke up and had a feeling it would be a bad day, said fuck it took the pills with NyQuil and went back to bed.  I didn’t bother with anything… skills or even trying out the day.

When I saw the therapist last Wednesday she was mentioning how I have to do the skills anyway.  I did a worksheet when really anxious about some abandonment issues, it did minimal help.  I thought about doing a worksheet when my classmates flaked on me in French and I was so pissed, but instead I resorted to self-medicating, yep 10mg Valium washed down with some NyQuil.  Since the appointment those are really the only two intense emotional reactions I’ve had.  The worksheet is out of the DBT Skills Workbook by harbinger and I have a link to it here.  Carol Anne, I’m working on typing you one up in word formal; just the depression is killing me.

Despite the yuckiness inside, both my mind and body, (I have mentioned my colitis is back) I still seem to be treading water staying afloat and even making plans.  I want to get out of here.  Better yet, I need to get out of her.   But, some stuff needs to be put in place so I’m starting to work on that.  I’m a person who is rather secretive and I get embarrassed/ashamed when I try to make plans and they don’t work out so I have a tendency to hold my cards close.  I actually told my case manager some of my intentions and she seemed rather surprised.  When asked how I am managing to think ahead in the future when I’m like this; I said “I thought with the psychosis gone things would be better.  It’s becoming clear that they aren’t going to get better for awhile if ever and I guess I can’t just sit around and wait anymore.”  I got kinda choked up when I said this so I guess some sort of realization of acceptance is coming, whether I’m meaning for it to or not.

So I’ll let you in on a little secret since few of you know me in real life and the those that do are obviously trustworthy enough to have the blog address so it’s okay for them to know.  I need to stop working.  I’m barely staying afloat with school and my abnormal life.  Actually the last two months I haven’t even done my work. once due to being in the hospital.  So I am applying for state disability which can last up to one year.  Also my priority registration at the group of local colleges I attend is running out and it will be Hell to get most classes, this and for other reasons not mentioned here I am transferring.  I am planning on transferring to another local community college that is about 40 minutes away from my house.  They just instituted an AA in LGBT Studies and I want to get it.  I have all my college transcripts but one, (there is 5 other colleges) and once I get that one I will have them evaluated so I don’t take classes that I’ve already taken the equivalent to.  I project needing about 3-4 classes to complete the degree, I already have an AA so I have met most if not all the general education requirements.

So exciting things ahead, yet I still feel blah.  I guess this is life



Can’t avoid anymore

8 Sep

So I really need to go to the GI doctor. I’ve been avoiding it because well it’s not the most comfortable thing and the bleeding (main symptom I have) doesn’t bother me too much.
But it the last two weeks I’ve had two accidents and am discharging blood. So I guess I can’t avoid it anymore.

Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety

4 Aug

I’m starting to worry myself sick again. The colitis is back, at least the bleeding. I don’t know how to mange my anxiety and apparently I’m not doing a good job anyways. I don’t want to go to the dr. because it’s uncomfortable and it’s not bothering me much. Other than I know I should take care of it and it could get out of control.
The thing about anxiety is like it’s depression, everyone knows what it is but there are wide ranging of severity and people usually assume the mild side. I get especially anxious around people and relationships. My blogger friend is in the hospital, still very suicidal, and in essence it’s completely out of my control. I’m starting online dating and that should be explanation enough. But I’m afraid girls won’t like me, I’ll come off as too awkward, or the trauma stuff of the past will interfere. That’s not even taking into account how to explain my current lifestyle and how it’s mostly due to mental illness. Then there is the whole friends thing. Terrified of losing them or being kicked out of the group. Wondering why and playing every scenario through my head when someone doesn’t return a text immediately. Hosting or going to events and replaying and trying to evaluate if I did a good job.

I know most my stuff is out of proportion or unrealistic but anxiety don’t care. There’s not much that calms me down, sometimes some reassurance, but it doesn’t last long. I feel stupid worrying excessively about these things because I know it has no purpose other than making me miserable and sick. Yet it doesn’t go away.