Tag Archives: sex


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

Breaking the cycle?

20 May

Yesterday was good.  I hope it wasn’t just a blip and things have turned around I went to see P!NK in Oakland with lil sis.  I was suppose to go with my sister but she is pregnant.  I’m not sure if I mentioned she is pregnant but instead of going to the concert she found out she is having another boy. 🙂  I would rather go to the concert it was awesome.  Lil sis was only a little annoying.

I haven’t done much today.  I have a meet up on Grindr I’m a little afraid of that putting me back into PTSD mode but like I said I’m sick of this back forth and just avoiding games.  I do need to get my homework done beforehand though.  I also need to get my planner out to see what needs to be done.

Next post will have a video from P!NK concert.

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

More on sex

6 Feb

I don’t think whatever this last relationship or not is going to work out.  It’s okay I’m not overly attached.  This is my 3rd-ish relationship and it’s becoming clearer that I’m more of a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of girl which makes some sense and on other sides doesn’t- story of my life, right?  With the first girl, I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship but was sort of willing to play the game to gain sexual experience due to changes in life experience the relationship fizzled out.   With M in January she got super possessive and lovey dovey saying “I love you” with in a week of dating and sex, I told her it was moving quickly but it didn’t seem to phase her.  The sex was great but we only dated for a month.  She claimed I lied to her and broke her heart.  This last relationship lasted a few weeks, with M we had sex by thee 2nd date so I didn’t want to make that mistake again plus this go around with G she had kids.  She was more cuddely which I told her I wasn’t into, but that I was ok with physical intimacy.  We text on and off, but I never felt anything substantial.  After we had sex, I’ve felt compelled to text her a few times, but it always seems she has drama going on in her life.  I predict this will fizzle out too.  Social anxiety, fear of rejection/abandonment, being gay, and female make an interesting mix on my (lack of) sex life and desire.

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31 Jan

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Sometimes I question my gayness

22 Jun

I’ve always been an outsider.  Some of the voices say I’m just pretending to be gay to get friends.  I don’t get sexually aroused that much, at least by comparing myself to others.  I’ve had bad relationships with boys and will all of the relationship with boys.  When I was try to be straight I would just tell myself that I couldn’t base my everything on these two bad experiences.  Now I’ve had a couple relationships with girls and sex with girls.  I actually get turned on when having sex with girls and it feels good it was never like that with the boys.  I don’t get turned on just by looking at girls very often at all, not sure if it’s my meds, my comfort level, or just being more towards the grey/a sexual side of the spectrum.  Tonight while watching a TV show there were two gay girls having sex and then a straight couple having sex.  I could easily feel in my body which was more of a turn on.  I need to remember this when I get back in the grey/a area because it’d be so much easier to be straight.  And people will try to push me that way, they have my whole life.  I can’t wait to have a relationship with a girl where the sex is good and we connect emotionally too, that hasn’t happened yet.  But parts my fault I’m not that active in looking cuz the grey/a and I’m dealing with so much already plus I’m not sure I’m stable enough for dating.  Maybe these are just excuses I don’t know.  But tonight I realized whenever I do have attractions they are almost always exclusively gay.

2014, Good Riddance

31 Dec

2014 Was a rough year except the last two months.  Three hospitalizations, a month in partial, a couple rounds of IOP, some major medicine changes, the adding of the intensive case manager, and that’s just the “big” psych things.  It doesn’t include the darkest days of depression, anxiety so bad I’m dizzy and feel like I’ll pass out, relationships with friends and family, the struggle with trying to keep up with school, and just day to day living with severe mental illnesses.  As far as sexuality goes it was a big year too, I came out to my parents, I came out on Facebook, I started online dating, had infuriating and condemning conversations with family, had sex, going to Pride, trying to negotiate the world of not only communicating but communicating in a sense for dating and/or sex.  Those were the biggest things in my year.  It was also a big year around relationships with people, of course I can put the online dating in here but also trying to navigate the world of friendships and getting more comfortable with strangers at school.

With multiple disorders, the symptoms are constantly merging and morphing.  At the beginning of the year I was mostly struggling with depression and the voices.  After a hospitalization in February the voices seemingly disappeared and have stayed that way for the most part.  I was in shock for about a month.  I had lived with them so long they were a part of my everyday life and not all of them were bad.  It was lonely in my head and a few times I contemplated stopping the new medication.  Also came a whole new world of opportunities and expectations, when if  you tell people you hear voices they don’t expect too much out of you.  People still don’t understand depression and how disabling it can be but voices people just aren’t usually going to tell you to get over it.  The thing was… the depression was still there and it seemed worse than ever not having to share with the psychosis.  I hadn’t been in a depression this bad since my early 20’s when I had ECT.  I remember a friend recognizing how bad it was and I was like it can get worse and he seemed shocked.

With the new disappearance of the voices things were changing and I didn’t know how to cope and the voices weren’t there to offer direction.  I regretfully stopped the transition to moving out with family friend; it was too hard to be alone in the first few months of transition.  I got incredibly suicidal and hopeless because the one thing I though was most disabling was gone and I still wasn’t happy and having trouble functioning.  I had to go into IOP which conflicted with my school schedule and I had to withdraw from my Italian class, this led to me being but on Academic Probation for excessive withdrawls and gave a major hit to my already shaky sense of self.  With nothing to do I was deteriorating faster and ended up in partial for just about a month.

The one benefit that was while all this was going on and I was documenting it on my blog, a friend began to reach out to me and it’s one of the few times I felt like someone cared for me other than family or professionals (which I can rationalize, have to.)  Having someone to talk to, that wasn’t a schedule hour appointment or a family member that potentially could use it against me later was real good.  And adding one more person to the list of reasons to live, obviously didn’t hurt either.  While all my mood issues were going on I was also trying to navigate making friends in my LGBT group the 20 somethings and being true to my sexuality.  One morning there was an argument with my dad that made me feel like I had to go back into the closest and it wasn’t safe to be gay at home or have over anyone who was.  My dad makes his “jokes” all the time and his general sweeping statements but I never had it directed directly at me or my friends before and it was a serious jolt.  I actually didn’t attend my summer school class because this conversation took place the day before and I was still reeling from it.

Summer without a class, led to lots of free time; which I spent either in bed or with friends.  I’ve always struggled with low self esteem and have had friends who have used me so I was afraid this was happening again.  I hadn’t had a group of friends since my early 20’s.  When the depression lifted for a little while the personality disorders kicked in, full gear, especially with fears of people not liking me, judgement, abandonment, rejection, and using me.  I know I wrote many posts during that time trying to untangle who were my friends and what were their functions.  Between the anxiety I had a lot of fun though but it was short lived and as soon as the interaction was over I went back into a depressed anxious state, and sometimes social interactions didn’t even work.

With Fall came a sexual awakening in me, I don’t know if it was because I was less medicated or what, but suddenly I was interested in intimacy, woman, dating, sex, etc…  I got online and started talking to people, which led to a couple dates, some exchanging of numbers, and some sexual experience.  I feel like now that I’m back on more meds I need to fight to have that motivation and urges to do all that.  Towards the end of fall was the hospitalization that led to more meds and a much needed lift out of the depression.  I didn’t know what to make of it at first and I still don’t really.  Is it the meds?  Just recovery time after being in the hospital?  Did my mindset some how change?  I don’t know but I’m happy for the respite.

So goodbye 2014, and hopefully how these last two months have been is how the mood setting will be for 2015.  I look forward to attempting to take more units at school and see if I can withstand.  Starting a year long DBT program.  More times with friends and more online dating.  And possibly moving out.


27 Dec

I hate change, especially with my anxiety.  A lot of things have changed in the last year but I know more needs to happen.  I need to move out but I don’t think I could live alone or with people I don’t know, that seriously limits my options.  I feel like my friends don’t feel like they can be themselves when my parents are here.  I can’t bring dates around, so obviously that limits my sexual opportunities.  Also, I’m 32 and I sometimes get tired of being treated like a child.  My mom keeps bringing up moving out suggestions.  Just frustrated right now and not seeing solutions.

Photo: "The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to say where you are." - J.P. Morgan #quote #goals #ResolutionsFor2015

Year in review 2014 Edition (the quick version)

25 Dec

It’s been one hell of a year. In January I came out to my parents after attending the 20 something’s group for a little over a year. In February I was started on Latuda which caused the voices to cease since I can remember. The year was cloaked in a heavy depression, but I got closer to friends from group. Spring 2014 I ended up in IOP and had to withdraw from my college classes, which placed me on Academic Probation. Most of June was spent in a partial hospitalization program. July I was hospitalized again, this time not at my regular hospital, and the whole ordeal was a waste of time. In September I joined an online dating site, and had sex for the first time in a ling time, and with a girl. October brought another hospitalization in which I finally came out of the depression, and received an intensive case manager. In November I was referred to the year long DBT program by my conservative therapist; I will be starting in January. The end of the year was spent in mostly high spirits and anxiety producing expectations that have been placed on me now that I am “doing better.”

So in conclusion it was a rough year mental health wise, with a lot of changes. I’m getting more comfortable with my sexuality and experiences.


Dating anxiety

18 Dec

So I have a “date” on Sunday from the online dating site.  I’m not sure what she is looking for because I have multiple options under here for as she does.  One of the things being “casual sex” I’m trying to get more experienced but I have so much anxiety and I know I just need to do it.  We were texting each other a little bit about where we are going to meet up and she typed “hangout” like that with the quotation marks.  Another anxiety is that she is from about an hour away so we defiently aren’t going to her place and I live with my parents.  I haven’t done any of this before and it’s real awkward.  I don’t know what to do but I guess I’ll just go with whatever.  I’m probably going to be in a heightened state of anxiety till after Sunday.