Tag Archives: self worth

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college.  I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot.  I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough.  I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class.  This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life.  My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it.  I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes.  I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin.  You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year.  I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it.  I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm.  I should be working on it right now, but I’m not.  I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too.  I’ve taken 3 naps already today.  My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me.  I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness.  So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day.  Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take.  I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful.  Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though.  Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming!  I’m so excited!

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

 

**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**

I’m really upset

10 Jul

I was placed on Academic Probation at one of the colleges I attended last semester because of having to do a Withdraw.  All the prior W’s at the school were also due to psych reason, now my Ws are 50% of my attempted units and I’m on probation at one school in a district of 4 that I attend.  This is the school I attend the least amount of classes in which is why I have the probation, only 3 completed classes there.  At the main school in  the district I use I have above a 3.9 GPA and many more units although some Ws, again mostly for psychiatric reasons.  I wasn’t too worried at first because the academic probation is not at one of my primary schools but I just received a letter saying that if my status continues that I will be placed on the next level and then dismissed from ALL colleges within the district.  I’m so frustrated right now, I had to make a phone call which gives me terrible anxiety, I will probably have to go to an in person meeting to fix this situation and take a BS class to get my standing back that I can’t Withdraw from which is extra stress.  The whole reason I had to Withdraw was not because the hospital but because case manager made me do IOP and I would have missed too much school doing both.

The one thing I excell at and use to measure my self worth I’m on probation.  Fuck this all.  I’m taking some valium and if it doesn’t kick in fast enough I’ll just end up cutting.

Not knowing your own value

14 Oct

I have low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-confidence, if it’s got “self” in it, mine is probably low.  Those close to me are constantly trying to tell me I’m generous, intelligent, compassionate, etc.  I’ve heard it from this specific set of people so much, mostly family, that it just seems rehearsed or that’s what they feel they should say.  Also some people I don’t believe what they say or it doesn’t matter to me, because I don’t value the person.

One of the few strengths I agree and believe with is my intelligence.  I have hard objective evidence for that in the form of grades and awards as wells as being constantly told that my others.

Lately as I mentioned in one of my updates I have gotten feedback in the form of text messages, e-mails, and Facebook messages that have made my day and have me reconsidering my worth and value.  These three people would not just say nice things to make me feel better or out of obligation.  These three people opinions matter to me, they are exceptional people that I admire and value.  I will be adding their words to my orange journal very soon, as well as asking one who I know in real life to write personally in the book.  Also to have this post to go back to I will copy some of their words:

1. Marci never gives up. If you believe in something, just keep going when you can.

2. Marci walks her talk. Despite ups and downs in her journey, Marci has stayed fast, true and strong in raising awareness about Mental Illness and the need for support.

3. Marci candidly shares her life and experiences in a way that is so inspirational, she taught me how to cast off the fear and tell, Tell, TELL.

Marci taught me DEDICATION, HONOR and AUTHENTICITY.

And she does and did ALL OF THIS while battling her own mental health wars that many would have long ago caved under and succumbed to by just withdrawing from life altogether. Instead, Marci CHOOSES to share her struggles, her victories and her brilliance with the world.

 

You r my rock lately…. TYVM!

Just want u to know I’m sooo appreeciative to have u for a friend….

 

 

A friend reassuring me of my writing skills.

 

A friend letting me know if I ever need anything, he would be happy to help.  Followed up by the word anything.  (I’m going to be making some big changes in my life coming out which of course involve some uncertainty.  One of which is moving out with family friend.)