Tag Archives: self harm urges


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

You can call it emotional, I’ll call it wise

18 Jan

I’m overwhelmed.  I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks.  Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank.  That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people.  But really how did I spend over $2,000?  Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school.  Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home.  I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm.  I had a support group at 5pm.  My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager.  I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.)  I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to.  The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing.  I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade.  I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.

A little of this, a little of that

6 Dec

Today has been a good day.  I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done.  My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that.  So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges.  Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night.  Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads.  This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that.  So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!

At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it.   She also threw in it could change back.  I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.”  Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different.  I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend.  But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.

I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them.  The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do.  So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.

But it’s progress I guess

15 Nov

Not coping appropriately but it’s progress I guess.  Friday night threw me for a loop, which seemed to come out of no where.  I got my official notice I’d be accepted to UC Davis and what the conditions were, pretty much to complete the courses I said I was taking this fall and next spring and to maintain at least a 3.2 GPA.  I went in with a 3.49 GPA.  I guess that’s what’s got me worried.  I don’t think I can pull off A’s in either of my classes this fall and will be lucky to get B’s.  Next semester I will be taking 4 courses, which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years.  I’m very anxious to the point of feeling sheer terror.

The thought of failing after being granted conditional acceptance is too much.  I get super suicidal and dysregulated.  Friday night I ended up taking the rest of a bottle of NyQuil because that was all I could find.  I know I had a bag of benadryl by my pill chart but it’s since disappeared.  Looking back now that’s probably a good thing because I had little impulse control.  Since I took so much NyQuil Friday night (1am) I didn’t end up going to the cabin trip for a friend from group.  I was also weepy all day Saturday and experiencing some panic but not out right terror.

Saturday night I took some ZzzQuil because I was starting to get worked up again.  I was texting 20 somethings friend Saturday and my mom took me out to eat as a distraction.  Both were very helpful, even though I had to push myself to ask or start the help.  I’ve also been having urges to cut deep.  Like need stitches can see muscle tissue deep.  I’ve only cut that deep once before and you have to make sure you don’t hit a vein, it’s not something you should do while you are upset and emotional.  I feel the urge because I know it will help the feelings of being overwhelmed and I will be able to finish my Personal Statement for my UC applications as well as study good enough for this test in Linguistics.  I also figure if it’s too deep or I hit a vein, I can go to the hospital and then I won’t have to worry about upcoming tests and everything.

Looking back I’m doing good.  I haven’t self harmed.  I’m going to try and study/work on Personal Statement tonight.  I didn’t go to the cabin in my sensitive form, some of the cliques are going and I was only going because I like the birthday girl and didn’t want to not go because of other people there.  But I was too sensitive and vulnerable.  I’ve reached out for help both to my mom and 20 somethings friend and am taking advice.

What I’m worried about.  Kaiser’s mental health department is on a strike because of pay/benefits.  I don’t know for how long or anything, but I’m sure at least tomorrow.  Which means I’m not sure when my case manager will be there.  I don’t have an appointment with her for 3 weeks, since she was sick last week and had to reschedule a bunch of appointments for this upcoming week and she will be off thanksgiving week.  Which means if things get too bad I don’t know where to go, other than the hospital.  And while part of me wants that comfort and to be taken care of, I’d really like to say I could make it through without it.  So think good thoughts for me.

When we forget our medications work

1 Nov

The last few days have been really difficult, especially today and yesterday.  I think Friday I was running on adrenaline and that’s why I was doing okay.  It’s well known that people who take psychotropic medications usually have a difficulty with compliance for one reason or another.  Other than a couple incidences in my life I’ve been pretty compliant with what I’m prescribed.  The problem for me comes with re-fills.  I take a lot of different medications and some refill at different times than others.  A couple of them also have special refill instructions like more days to process the order.  I also take my pills from a pill chart, so I only see the bottles once a week.

Tuesday night I ran out of my Viibryd, there was a problem with the online pharmacy, it is one of my special order medications, and it was a new dosage/quantity prescription.  When I’m taking all my medications I’m feeling okay and I don’t really think about the fact that I’m doing okay is because I’m taking my medication.  I tend to underestimate it’s effects.  It’s only after I haven’t had it in my system for a few days that I realize the importance of it.  I’m sure part of it is wishful thinking to, it’s be so nice not to rely on medication to keep stable moods.

But the evidence shows itself yet again.  Yesterday and today I’ve been having uncontrollable crying spells, been more suicidal with stronger self harm urges.  I want to drop my classes, drop my future plans, drop off the planet.  I’ve spent most of yesterday and today in bed also.  It’s the weekend, so I need to wait until tomorrow to see if my prescription is in.  I need it.


9 May

Feeling empty. Want to cut to feel something. So lonely and empty.

BPD Emotions everywhere. 

6 May

I think I’ve felt the whole range of human emotions today. It’s exhausting. Currently feeling empty, anxious, and like self harming. I wish I didn’t get triggered so easily. Was on the online dating site and someone propositioned me for a threesome, a straight couple. The risky/want to get hurt side is wanting to do it, even though it’ll probably go badly actually probably because it will go badly.
I don’t know how to explain the hurt I desire in intimate/sexual relationships and really only with men. It’s not so much just a physical thing but being humiliated or hurt emotionally/psychologically. I know it’s fucked up but I don’t really know where it comes from. I know my prior boy sexual relationships have been bad, maybe that contributes. Or there was something there before. Another reason people suspect abuse.

Lots of arguing and yelling

30 Apr

I guess they saved it all up for tonight, it’s not all that surprising when I’m tired I’m weaker.  Earlier there was one crying and another yelling at her, I was spelling road signs to try and block it out, it helped till I got out of the car.  That’s a distress tolerance skill distract with thoughts.  I use it for voices a lot when driving.  Now it’s all about getting homework and studying done which is apparently useless because if I’m this stupid at math how will I ever teach it.  I can work on it for about 20 minutes before the taunting gets to bad and I move to something else for it to calm down for a bit.  I have been skipping to Italian and that had been working up to a couple of minutes ago.  Now the voices have moved on to suicidal and cutting urges and pissed off that I’m trying to do this swim thing after the NAMI Walk Saturday.  I’m on the verge of making an emergency appointment with my case manager but I am slightly afraid she will hospitalize me which even worse to admit that’s what I might need.  But the voices don’t want her interfering and I don’t want to go to the hospital so I don’t know what to do.  Thinking about going home and just taking some Valium and going to bed.  But I feel guilty I didn’t accomplish much today, plus we all know that’s just a temporary solution to a problem thats getting worse and worse.

29 Apr

shutting down. Self harm urges. Suicidal.

Update 1/12/15

12 Jan

Today has been a meh day.  I’ve had self harm urges that were mostly fleeting during the day but are now pretty strong and constant.  I’ve been feeling drugged, sleepy, and bored and I know part of it is I had to take 2 Valium last night to stop the anxiety so I could sleep.  Now that it’s worn off the anxiety is back and there isn’t a lot I can do about it.  I’m wanting to eat comfort food (ice cream) but I’m gaining weight and then I start having those issues.   I need to get out of the house and out of my head, so I’m going to go to dinner with my dad.  Just moment by moment right now.