Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
I hate that I feel sad so often. Lonely and empty, sometimes even when people are around. I feel like I’ve made much progress. But how can that be if I still want to be around other people to feel good myself. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, unless I’m recharging. I’ve spent a lot of time alone but that’s just because interacting and getting close to people scares me so much. Now I have a couple people I’m close with and feel good around them, but they have other lives too. I wish I could just be happy with me.
Not many people voted in the poll yesterday, of what you would like to see more of on this blog. Feel free to go and vote here. More information on Borderline Personality Disorder was the highest with three votes, so here is a resource from my DBT class last week.
Accumulate Positives: This letter of the skill is about having a bank account of positive experiences that you have been saving up to make a withdrawal from when you need to balance out an upsetting situation.
Build Mastery: This component of the skill is about thinking about or doing something that you are good at. By thinking about or doing something you are good at. By thinking or doing something you are good at, you are facilitating healthy self-esteem. This boosts your confidence to get through times that are difficult.
Cope Ahead: Develop plans to deal with expected and unexpected difficulties. Note: Cope Ahead doesn’t always work, so use the accumulate positives. It is about your willing to try something, but try not to get too attached to the outcome.
Accumulate positives: setting up social events that go well, compliments from friends, going to Disneyland, getting good grades on an assignment.
Build Mastery: creative endeavors, making scrapbooks, working on my smash journal, blogging, school related stuff.
Cope Ahead: If I have an upcoming counseling session that I think will be tough I can ask a friend to hang out afterword. Practicing or rehearsing tough conversations. Scheduling a massage after/during a big/stressful project .
*note some things can overlap in categories
“you’re no good. No one lines you. Everyone can see how messed up you are. Told you so. They don’t even feel sorry for you anymore. Why do you keep trying. I’ve told you they don’t like you. You call that nice, really. Wow someone saying hi. I guess that means you have like a hundred friends right. Cut yourself. No one likes you. You won’t be missed. Totally replaceable. Just do it already. No one likes you. He doesn’t like you anymore. How many times have I told you. Everyone leaves. You aren’t someone people can be around. You’ll never change. We have that control. And no one will ever like you. You fool we let you think things are okay cuz it’s even better to see your disappointment. We lie in wait, quiet, ready to strike. Hahahahaha. NO ONE LIKES YOU!”
Sleep has been rough these last couple days with waking up in a mood leftover from a dream sequence. The dreams usually involve family and are everyday things that could happen, so it’s much more realistic- maybe even things that have happened. I usual wake up feeling like I’m not good enough or are a burden to people, how am I suppose to start a day like that?
While in the hospital we had a few groups on self-esteem. This was a fill in the blank type sheet.
- I like myself because
- I’m an expert at……… scrapbooking and making dessert
- I feel good about
- My friends would tell you I
have a great…….. am very nonjudgmental.
- My favorite place is….. Disneyland
- I’m loved by….. some family and friend
- People say I am a good……. writer
- I’ve been told I have pretty…….toes
- I consider myself a good…… student
- What I enjoy most is….. being with friends and having fun
- The person I admire most is
- I have a natural talent for…….poetry
- Goals for my future are……. school and more independence
- I know I will reach my goals because I am…. resilient and stubborn
- People compliment me about….. my thoughtfulness
- I feel good when I….. give or help others.
- I’ve been successful at…… school and surviving
- I laugh when I think about….. certain things or certain voices
- The traits I admire myself for are:…….. nonjudgmental, generosity, thoughtfulness, and compassion
- I feel peaceful when…… sleeeping
You’re suppose to take care of you because you like you and care about you. That doesn’t work for me for obvious reasons. So I rely on others who care about me, and not wanting to let them down. But they’re not always there or reachable like now. My case manager called in sick today, I’ve seen her once this whole month. That’s not usual. She was one of the few reasons I didn’t self harm, now I’m regretting it. My sisters out of town all weekend. It’s too much. I’m too much.
I had written a post on how to help with depression after some friends had asked me. You usually see the posts that say what not to say to a person with depression and the friend asked “well what do you do?” so I wrote that post. Borderline Personality Disorder is very different from depression and there are many stereotypes about people with BPD as “difficult” “manipulative” and other things. Remember this post is written from the perspective of how my BPD is and what would be helpful. I hope it can be helpful to others like the depression one but remember everyone is different and just because one thing may help me, it may not be like that for others. There is my disclaimer.
- Remember that a lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder and highly sensitive. Most of us know this and do not need it pointed out that we are over-reacting or our reaction is not appropriate.
- Along with that sensitivity is that everyone has different triggers so someone may be experiencing an emotion that doesn’t have to do with you but was triggered by a past event. Example: I was constantly told to “stop making a mountain out of a molehill” and whenever I hear that phrase I get defensive and angry even though the person probably meant no harm and doesn’t know my past.
- A big thing with BPD is validation, so it’s helpful to validate what the person is going through. I can clearly think of times where I felt like I was over reacting or misinterpreting a situation and someone helped me through validation. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree or understand everything. An example is “I could see why you’d be so mad about…” or “I’d be mad about that too” (only if the person has expressed anger.)
- Another thing is that people with BPD tend to have low self esteem, so watch what you say and how you act. It’s always a plus to hear positive things about us, even though we may react awkwardly (I know I have a hard time when people compliment me).
- Listen- a lot of us feel misunderstood and lonely so having someone to be with us and listen to us helps.
I have all these ideas, some of which are actually doable good ideas. I know it’s just that flight of ideas and racing thoughts. I know that my self-esteem that is usually non-existent is currently on, fueling the fires. I’ve been through this and it’s tricky “sorting out” the doable good ideas from the not so probable bad ideas. But the thing is by the time they’re sorted out and I go to bed (because I know I’m suppose to sleep even if my brain doesn’t feel like it) they’ll probably be gone. I could write some quick jots and notes about them and “expand” on them later but it never happens. Genius, inspiration, whatever you want to call it is a limited time thing and with it comes a little madness.
It’s moments like this I’m resentful at having to deal with mental illness, I know I have some great ideas brewing in my brain and most will never come to fruition because I do what I’m suppose to do… Sleep (or at least try to) even when I don’t feel like it, take my medicine as directed, think things over before making rash decisions, blah blah blah. But then there is the part of me that knows I can’t go forever not sleeping, without my meds I will be even more of a wreck, and some of those decisions and ideas are not the best.
When people talk about bipolar, a thing that is often mentioned is that people miss the “highs” the manic or hypomanic episodes, sometimes so much they stop taking their meds. It makes sense and I’ve considered it, especially since I don’t get manic very often, mine are mostly mixed states or hypomanic if not depressed. Being someone with only mild highs and who does what I’m suppose to, I haven’t experienced many consequences of my high moods. Part of me is saying that all the “normal” people are full of shit and this is how they keep you boxed in, how they stop the exceptional minds from making them look bad. Yeah I’m aware the making logical sense and not are blurring and this is what happens when there is so much going on inside and I guess that’s why it’s time to take my meds, go crawl into bed, and hope I can sleep.