Tag Archives: school

What have I become

21 May

I’m going to fail a class for the first time in my life this quarter. Earlier this afternoon when I realized it I was in that not care mood I’ve been in and out of for weeks. I’ve already made adjustments to my school schedule for the next two sessions since two classes counted on me passing this.

Now I feel overwhelmed. Sad. A failure. Like the worlds falling apart which it does a lot internally but usually I can pretend to the world that everything’s okay. Not now. Not this. I’m either not good enough or current circumstances are causing me not to be able to write adequate Spanish literary critiques about swans.

Either way the consequences feel devastating. I’m trying to stay coping alive. I took some NyQuil. I’ll be okay after the shock wears off I assume or at least that’s what people will try to tell me.

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college.  I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot.  I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough.  I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class.  This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life.  My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it.  I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes.  I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin.  You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year.  I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it.  I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm.  I should be working on it right now, but I’m not.  I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too.  I’ve taken 3 naps already today.  My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me.  I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness.  So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day.  Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take.  I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful.  Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though.  Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming!  I’m so excited!

Call from psychiatrist

22 Nov

Just got off the phone from my psychiatrist and it’s just what I needed.  I had no intent to go to classes today.  I couldn’t sleep again last night with the voices and the paranoia and when the thoughts started to turn to sleeping under the bed to hide “just in case” I got out of bed and took some extra PRN Latuda and Valium.  This helped me get to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up with nightmares that Trump had declared war and drafted all the men to go to war.  When I got up to go to class I managed to take a shower.  I really needed one, since Monday I just wore a snow hat and pajamas to school.  However, that put me over the edge and once dressed for school I became fearful and crawled back into bed.  I set my alarm for my 2nd class but near time to attend, turned it off and resent it for a trans clothing fair I hope to go to.  My psychiatrist called and we are upping my antipsychotic Latuda by 1/2 which is what I have PRNing on a regular basis until I feel less vulnerable and more confident in DBT skills.  He wants me to not associate taking a pill with the behavior which is fine, as long as I have some medical relief.  I will also be using my coping skills I use- mostly DBT to deal with what voices, paranoia, and distress break through.  And yes some always break through.  Medication is no cure.  During thanksgiving break I’ll go through my packets and go over some skills. My psychiatrist wasn’t me to set up a phone session with the therapist to go over how DBT skills are working with this stuff.  So far I have the music skills I’ve been using and rationalizing.  It’s been 2 years without voices so I need to re-look through my skills.

Safety plans in place

20 Nov

Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried.  So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital.  I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms.  I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday.  My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol.  I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again.  My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe.  I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone.  My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in.  Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down.  Just 3 more weeks of school to get through.  Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals.  Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.


7 Nov

It’s been interesting lately.  And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water.  I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me.  About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.)  The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes.  The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual.  Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance.  I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic.  Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief.  I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices.  My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices.  All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades.  I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping.  I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away.  This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend.  Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.

A Whole Lot of Stuff

8 May

Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:

NAMI 2016 Team

Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs.  It rained so it was a good turnout of my 31 people registered.  I met my fund raising goal of $1,500.  The highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.

goal met!

My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation  is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended.  Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends.  I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender).  I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going.  I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.

I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing.  My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.

Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.


4 Apr

I think I pegged what is triggering these hypomanic episodes: the stress of trying to organize the social event of the NAMI Walk, along with the on going unknown of the ASD evaluation plus the grief of not being able to attend San Diego State University and it’s nearing the end of the semester.  That’s enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

Pros and Cons: Comparing Colleges SDSU vs UC Davis

22 Mar

Over the weekend I attended an Open House at San Diego State University one of the two universities I am considering attending, both of which I already know I got in.  San Diego I found out a few weeks ago and UC Davis I found out in October of last year.  I had not thought I was going to get into San Diego State because it is an impacted campus and at the Open House I learned they only admitted 9% of their transfer students that applied.  GO ME!!! 🙂 Now I have to make a decision and it seems almost everyone, at least the few who know are pushing me towards UC Davis.  It is closer and a better school, two things I forgot to put into my pros and cons chart.  I made it to go over with my case manager and the therapist.  I kinda see if I move to Davis it going a lot like when I went to William Jessup and lived in the dorms which was just about the same distance away.  San Diego is a 9 hour drive and about an hour and 45 minute flight.  Here is my chart:

SDSU vs UC Davis

For my blind followers: Pros of UC Davis are:

  • 19 languages offeres
  • Has linguistics Ma and PhD
  • Already admitted to linguistics program
  • Same psych treatment team

Pros of San Diego State University

  • Cheaper
  • Wider LGBT Community
  • Very good Open house, feel some direction
  • Only plan on being there 2-3 years

Cons of UC Davis

  • Not even an LGBT minor
  • Maybe too close to home

Cons of SDSU

  • Not yet admitted to linguistics program
  • Practically starting over
  • Need to make the decision quickly, by may 1st

Up in the air

11 Mar

I got my sister to go with me to San Diego State for the Open House thing, it was much harder than it should have been, my case manager even though I should have had someone supporting me coming with me.  But my sister had decided in her mind that she knew what was best and that was for me to go alone.  With all my anxiety, and all the progress I’m making, and all my issues, apparently she things something along the line of me going backwards if she goes with.  I’m getting worked up so lets talk about something else.  She’s going, lets hope it doesn’t turn into a disaster.

My counseling appointments are being changed to Wednesdays because my case managers new role starts next week.  It’s Kaiser so of course what they told her isn’t what she got and right now she only has 6 hours a week for case management and I am very grateful that she is saving one of those a week for me.  I also like Wednesdays better because if I feel unstable I can usually talk myself into waiting till Wednesday and knowing if I need to contact her before the weekend ends.  I think I mentioned that lately my appts have only been 1/2 hours and how I was nervous she quieted that fear when I brought it up this week, by confirming just what I thought if I’m doing good we don’t have to talk as much.

I’m wondering when this ASD evaluation is going to happen, and getting nervous.  I guess I’ll ask next week.  She said something about the way that I walk now I find myself self conscious which isn’t like me, normally I don’t care.  I just want to know the results, the suspense, oh the suspense.

I went to the NAMI Walks Kick off luncheon today.  This is my 3rd year being a team captain but my first year going to the luncheon.  I don’t like social events.  I could have just not went and had them send me my packet like prior years.  I think my team will be smaller this year but hopefully I will raise more money.

It’s 5am and I need someone to talk to

6 Mar

Couldn’t sleep, that’s the mixture of red bull (energy drinks) and psych meds (plus a little more psych meds than you are suppose to be taking).  Now my minds rollin’ in all kinds of directions.  Excited about the possible opportunity at San Diego State but wondering about the comfort and security of UC Davis.  Still got that ASD evaluation taking a lot of space up in my mind.  People have asked me if it changes anything, and I don’t know how to explain the answer.  Anyways, I was just playing a mock interview in the bath tub a couple minutes ago.  I hope they don’t ask me about my childhood because I don’t remember much of that and I really don’t want to get my parents involved in this or for them to even know the outcome, either way or that I had the assessment.

I found out just after midnight I’m about a week late for both community colleges for petitioning to graduate in the spring, so I guess it looks like my AA degrees will say on them Fall 2016.  I’m going to talk to both colleges Monday, I swear a faculty member told me to petition early March but I doubt that will grant me any lee way.  It’s a good thing that I don’t need those degrees for either transfer college, because I did put it in my UC Application Essay, that I’d have them by Spring 2016.  Where is my time machine?!?  Bad memory sucks, wish I could blame ECT for all this…