Tag Archives: relationships


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

Let you down by NF

16 Mar
Let You Down
by NF
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, I guess I’m a disappointment
Doing everything I can, I don’t wanna make you disappointed
It’s annoying
I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn’t ever tryna make an issue for you
But, I guess the more you
Thought about everything, you were never even wrong in the first place, right?
Yeah, I’ma just ignore you
Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you
Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you
Very loyal?
Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife in it, my hands are full
What else should I carry for you?
I cared for you, but
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, you don’t wanna make this work
You just wanna make this worse
Want me to listen to you
But you don’t ever hear my words
You don’t wanna know my hurt, yet
Let me guess you want an apology, probably
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can’t, so I guess I’ma have to leave
Please don’t come after me
I just wanna be alone right now, I don’t really wanna think at all
Go ahead, just drink it off
Both know you’re gonna call tomorrow like nothing’s wrong
Ain’t that what you always do?
I feel like every time I talk to you, you’re in an awful mood
What else can I offer you?
There’s nothing left right now, I gave it all to you
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, don’t talk down to me
That’s not gonna work now
Packed all my clothes and I moved out
I don’t even wanna go to your house
Everytime I sit on that couch
I feel like you lecture me
Eventually, I bet that we
Could have made this work and probably woulda figured things out
But I guess that I’m a letdown
But it’s cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let’s put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn’t even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you’re happy
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, I let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
And I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, let you down
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry now
I’m sorry
That I let you down

I’ve come a long way

13 Jun

I use to be really clingy.  I don’t really attach to many people, so when I do it’s like I hold on for dear life.  Along with that BPD fear of rejection or abandonment.  My best friend needs alone time and has other time he spends with other friends or classmates and it use to really trigger me.  I’m much better about it now.  Before it would sometimes set off the voices and me into an emotional tirade to where I’d be on the edge of going to the hospital or I’d be self medicating, since I wasn’t self harming anymore.

I think maybe DBT helped a little, but mostly just growing up and realizing that you can’t always have someone 24/7.  Trying not to dwell on it when he has plans with other people or just needs his alone time. Using that time to do stuff with my sister or other friends, or as some of my alone time.

Anyways I’m really proud of myself in this area, because when you cling too much you annoy people and push them away.

Dating Anxieties

13 Jan

I have another date tomorrow.  I’m nervous.  On the last one, she was sorta trying to get cuddly and I wasn’t being very receptive.  While going though the internet today I saw this little image above.  That’s me, and I don’t think many people are going to wait around with my fears of intimacy and love.  I will open up, I don’t doubt that but I’m not sure how long it will take.  I don’t know how to explain to someone that this is the way I am without already getting into some of that emotional attachment and trust.  I guess if I just shoot it down from the get go I’ll never find out.  Here’s to an awkward tomorrow.

Ah-ha moments and reflections

11 Jan

I don’t make friends easily. I don’t put down my walls often. I have trust issues. I’m a loner who desires to have those 1-3 close relationships. It’s sometimes hard to decipher who I am. I have a lot of components that are aspects or effects of mental illness, not all are bad. I’m quiet and afraid to talk to others, but have a lot to say. I’m okay just having down alone time but for some reason it’s only when I want to have it. If I’m desiring to connect with someone and have to be alone it’s treacherous. Sometimes I’m super over sensitive and other times deliberate hurtful things don’t phase me. I try to live in the moment but it’s often to painful, ruminating about the past or anxiously thinking about the future is not helpful. I have trouble “thinking positive” and get angry when people tell me to, when I’m already upset. But I’m not incapable of thinking positive, I just think sometimes it’s a BS statement that invalidates what is going on right now. So many people think I have an incredible intelligence, but mostly I feel like a fraud because for the most part I don’t put any energy in being smart. People say I discount the positive and make excuses or critical comments in response to compliments. This was how I was raised. I do have pride in things, but they are things I rarely mention. Because most people think there is nothing noteworthy about getting out of bed. People don’t understand how hard it can be to coexist with voices sometimes. I cope, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy and it bothers me that people take things like that for granted. I could embrace my inner crazy. I truly believe I’m capable of just about anything. But I settle for mostly normal nice person and get frustrated when it doesn’t get me places. I could be whoever I wanted and I’m sure there are a couple people that wouldn’t walk out of my life no matter what I did. But I want to be my best, not for myself like I should but for others I care about. Maybe I’ll get there someday where I can love myself, hell a couple years ago I thought love was a sham and a lie. People change. I change. I hope it’s been for the better.


10 Jan

It seems the friendship is burning out. How can I think there will be a long distance friendship when it feels like there isn’t one anymore. Same old pattern. I’m putting in the effort. Trying to set up times to hang out. I’m the one to ask how things are going. Maybe I should just let it fade.

The weirdness continues

8 Jan

I took my morning medication along with the night stuff I forgot too. Today’s shaping up hard as I feel like there’s a black hole inside me swirling. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure what’s wrong beside the strange feeling. I miss 20 somethings friend even though it’s been like only 24 hours since I talked to him. This move is going to be horrible. I want to cancel the date but then I’d just be home alone Dealing with this sadness and weirdness. I don’t want to fight today.

2015 in review

1 Jan

2015 was the first year in 10 years where I didn’t have a psych hospitalization. That’s not to say 2015 was all peachy but much smoother sailing than 2014. Big things

  • I had my first girlfriend in a long time.
  • I worked through some trying social situations that caused jealousy and rejection feelings, and I think I’m near over it.
  • I traveled to Hawaii and Canada with my sister.
  • I had multiple fun trips to Disneyland.
  • I started an completed a year long DBT program.
  • I got accepted to UC Davis which is great but has me having failing fears that have lead to impulsive decisions others have thought to be dangerous
  • I completed the 100 days of Happy
  • I completed my 365 SMASH Book
  • I think I’m learning to let go.

Oh… the future

1 Dec

I’ve been forced to think about the future lately, especially in regards for transferring for school.  I clicked all the proper buttons and have now applied to 6 schools, including UC Davis which I have a transfer agreement with.  20 somethings friend is looking into scholarships, I think that would be too stressful for me.  This is a good opportunity to mention how thankful I am of my financial situation.  Working very little creates less stress, and gives me time to go to school and work on my mental health.  I’m pretty sure I will end up at UC Davis even if I get into one of my more preferred schools.

This last month or so has had some eye opening opportunities about how vulnerable I really am.  If I hadn’t made amends with 20 somethings friend Saturday, I’d probably be in the hospital.  Knowing how close I am to the ledge has me doubting my ability to move very far.  My initial plan was to use campus housing at UC Davis and it would kind of force me to get out of the house and move out.  I was hoping that after my time living there I would meet someone I could become roommates with or I could live on my own.  Now I’m considering staying at home and commuting to UC Davis, but I worry I’ll take the easy way out and only be on campus when I’m in class.  It’s hard with social anxiety, not to mention everything else.

I’m still worrying about 20 somethings friend leaving but after our argument last week I feel a little stronger in the relationships, though I have no idea what I will do next time I need support.  I’m picturing my future alone and I don’t like that prospect.  Once he moves away I probably wont have much if any contact with people from the 20 somethings group.  I have one other friend that I do stuff with sometimes but usually her husband hangs out with my dad; so not sure how that’ll be if I move out.  Other than that it’s family and mental health professionals.  I’m only close with one or two bloggers from WordPress, one I use to killed herself earlier this year.  It’s so hard making and sustaining relationships.  I’m talking to someone from the online dating service but I never really know what to say or how to say things.

Emotional relationships vs. sexual relationships. 

28 Oct

I had counseling today and I read my post grey gay. We talked about that and my not being hospitalized accomplish the. I guess the ideal in an intimate relationship is emotional connection and sexual connection. I get mine from different relationships which apparently isn’t that rare these days. I’ve expressed my difficulties and lack of desire (for the most part) when it comes to sexual connection. Also how usually someone else pursues me.

I don’t have many emotional connections either. They have a lot of hurdles and hoops to jump through for me to get in one. Again I don’t initiate, it starts with someone showing an interest in me. Then it’s a long waiting game to see if they are sincere, can be trusted, and if it’ll sustain. I slowly reveal aspects of myself and see how it goes. I usually reflect a similar degree of interest that they show in me. If time tells and I make the connection, that’s when I get extremely attached and will do almost anything for the relationship.

I’m not sure I’ve ever had a relationship with both the emotional connection and the sexual one. Maybe PK. Even though I’ve never had one that doesn’t mean it’s out of the cards. I have a hard time imagining this relationship in the future, because I don’t really have a past one to base it on. Also, I don’t think I’m good enough where someone will put the time and interest in me.

I guess on bad days are not the time to work on this. So it was more just explanation.