Tag Archives: rape

dissociating

22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Diagnosis

24 Aug

After this last hospitalization was also the first time I had ever been diagnosed with PTSD. The diagnosis wasn’t as surprising as the sensory processing disorder. I’ve always been told I have a lot of trauma issues.  I am also on a medication for PTSD like nightmares. 

The only question I have. Which I’ll never ask is: what trauma were they referring to when they gave me the diagnosis. Like I said in my earlier posts on my other diagnosis, they just give you the sheet on the way out the door. 

Another oddity is that my inpatient psychiatrist had about an hour long discussion with my dad. He called my dad and I know they talked about my ECT, but surely that couldn’t have lasted a whole hour. It’s also doubtful that he spoke of the dysfunction growing up, which is one trauma.  He’s never let on that he knows any other trauma and I think he thinks we didn’t have it the best growing up but wouldn’t call it abuse. 

The other possibility is that they used the sexual assault for the diagnosis. I doubt that, I’ve been honest about it for the last three or four hospitalizations and it was never there before. Plus they asked no details or if I had any symptoms relating to it. 

There is also my speculations of sexual abuse but how would they know anything about that. The hospitalizations involve groups and learning skills. I’ve never talked to anyone individually, but whenever they ask I say I don’t know because of my memory gaps. 

And lastly, but I don’t want to rule anything out. With the new diagnosis sheets and the doing away with the axis system he asked about stress. And I said nothing other than having to continue to battle mental illness all my life. And that is on my discharge paperwork.  

How we react to triggers- Sexual Abuse/Rape

4 Aug

If you have been the victim of sexual abuse and/or rape odds are you are going to see or hear about it again usually in the media.  Personally, I still get triggered by images from movies and TV and news stories, song lyrics don’t bother me but I know they trigger some.  My reaction is just to sit through it uncomfortably, sometimes if it’s causing flashbacks or other symptoms I will leave the room.  I knew a person who it seems like every time something happened like that she would make a big deal about it and say things like “trigger trigger” and leave the room or viewing area.  It annoyed me and it still does thinking about it, but I’m not fond of that person anyways and we all have different ways of dealing with our pasts.  With me I think it’s still about shame and denial that I don’t want to admit the reason why I need to leave the room.  I’d rather just be uncomfortable than reveal that past, plus I think it’s awkward.  So anonymous poll, whether you have or have not experienced it what would or do you do.  You can choose multiple answers.  

Protected: Oddly Comforting

23 Mar

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2 Mar

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9 Oct

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Protected: Internal Struggles: Sexual secrets

20 Feb

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Protected: Internal Struggles: The triggers

22 Oct

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