Tag Archives: Racing thoughts

Medicine

7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.

 

Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

The schizoaffective diagnosis

21 May

Ive been struggling with moods since a child; at 11 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and dysthymia and put on medication. I don’t know when the manic and hypo manic behavior started. Thanks again stupid memory problems. I do know at some point before the bipolar diagnosis I was diagnosed with ADHD along with the depression. I’m also not sure when the psychosis started, specifically the voices. As a kid I knew I was paranoid and prone to magical thinking, but hey I was a kid. The Bipolar diagnoses started somewhere in my 20s probably right around 19 or 20. I was type II then type I then NOS then mixed with psychosis then rapid cycling; I think they tried every possible bipolar diagnosis out on me. But the depressions were the worst and the main feature. Still today after 21 years from my first diagnosis.

I know I was hearing voices at old work. And I sort of remember mentioning to church people I heard voices and they did an exorcism. And my hyper religious stage was before old work. I know I was silent about the voices for a long time. Sometimes dropping hints or talking about a singe episode. But never that I heard voices constantly, that’s just crazy. 

It was February of 2008 when I first got the schizoaffective diagnosis. And I thought what the hell was that. I’d never even heard of it and the closest thing I’d heard of was schizophrenia. I’m not schizophrenic I thought. Well I looked up the diagnosis in my DSM IVTR. I had invested in one after being given so many diagnoses. And strangely enough it fit better than any previous diagnosis. One of the main things that differentiates it from bipolar is the multiple voices, long term voices, and voices not while experiencing a mood episode. Check, check, check. 

Now what did this mean?  I was really scared at first that I had something so closely related to schizophrenia. Schizoaffective is often described as a combo of bipolar (in my case) and schizophrenia. I was afraid I’d lose it all together and end up homeless or in a psych hospital for life. I still have those fears, but way less now. There aren’t many books out there on schizoaffective and few blogs too. I plan on writing a book.

The schizophrenia is the voices, the optical illusions, few visual hallucinations, some tactile hallucinations and the fewest of the olfactory (smell) hallucinations. I have the positive symptoms which means I expire emcee additional things that are not there in life. I can get paranoid and delusional but it’s rare and usually triggered by some major life stressor.

The bipolar is mostly depression. Between medication and life experiences I’m pretty good about not going into full blown mania. My most common hypo manic symptoms are talking to fast and racing thoughts. The depression is horrible still. I’m on 3 different antidepressants right now and a mood stabilizer and I still struggle on a regular basis

My antipsychotic had taken care of most of the voices at least all the ones I think that relate to the schizoaffective. It’s wierd not hearing them. Lonely sometimes. But safer from some of the bad ones. And easier to concentrate without jabbering going on in my head all the time.

It makes me wonder if we’ll ever get the depression under control. I thought I’d have voices for life, I’ve tried at least 8 antipsychotic s. Of course I’ve tried way more antidepressants. But maybe there is hope.

Language Learning and Mental Illness

18 Jan

I recently came across a blog post that linked to an article about learning languages and depression.  So I thought I would do my own post on how language learning helps me.

A big part of it is the structure and accountability for having to show up to a weekly class.  You can get this practically with any class though.

I enjoy it, I actually want to go.  If I’m in a bout of depression or something I know that it is an activity I use to find pleasurable and I will be happy I continued with the skill even when the depression is saying nothing is fun or appealing.

Learning languages involves a lot of different skills. Between input and output and all the stuff that lies in between.  I know Spanish, English, Italian, American Sign Language, and a little French.  Sign language was one of the most fulfilling one to learn and one that helped most with my mental illness.  With sign language you must listen to the person (input), translate them into sign language and then sign them (output.)  All these things are going on at once so what you are signing is something said a few minutes ago, and is different than the person’s speaking (input) that you are getting now.  One of my symptoms of the bipolar is a racing mind.  If my mind doesn’t have enough to do it finds it’s own ways to occupy itself which generally means bad news for me.  With the process of translation and input/output of two languages my mind is fully occupied and there is no opportunities for negative self talk, impulsive grandiose plans, or anxiety.

You must interact with other people when learning a language it isn’t something you can just do with a book.  Even though social interaction causes me a lot of anxiety I can’t just say forget it because I am also getting a grade in that class.  Also many people are just learning that language too, so there is a lot of grace- which makes me less anxious.

It is not based on 100% interaction.  When I’m having a bad day I can cancel a social interaction and study flashcards, a book, or listen to an Italian podcast.  There are so many options and resources out there in different languages.

I feel accomplished and good about myself.  I feel like if I run into someone who doesn’t speak English I can interact with them still and we can meet part way.

This is especially relevant to sign language but facial expressions can mean different things when done with the same sign, so they are very important.  I’m not too good with facial expressions but it forces to me to look at the person in order to get the full content of what they are saying.

pathbeg

If you see in my header the word (purple) “crazy” in the 4 languages that I know.

Can’t sleep

13 Dec

I’m on the “up” side of things and I can’t sleep. It’s only 1:15am but usually I’m in bed by 11 or midnight. My minds racing with stuff to do for the party tomorrow but not in an anxious way. I can’t really get much done cuz lil sis and her boyfriend are sleeping in the living room which is attached to the kitchen. I’m trying to take a bath to relax, we’ll see how that goes.

Everything is in my head… and it will probably be gone soon

3 Aug

I have all these ideas, some of which are actually doable good ideas.  I know it’s just that flight of ideas and racing thoughts.  I know that my self-esteem that is usually non-existent is currently on, fueling the fires.  I’ve been through this and it’s tricky “sorting out” the doable good ideas from the not so probable bad ideas.  But the thing is by the time they’re sorted out and I go to bed (because I know I’m suppose to sleep even if my brain doesn’t feel like it) they’ll probably be gone.  I could write some quick jots and notes about them and “expand” on them later but it never happens.  Genius, inspiration, whatever you want to call it is a limited time thing and with it comes a little madness.

It’s moments like this I’m resentful at having to deal with mental illness, I know I have some great ideas brewing in my brain and most will never come to fruition because I do what I’m suppose to do… Sleep (or at least try to) even when I don’t feel like it, take my medicine as directed, think things over before making rash decisions, blah blah blah.  But then there is the part of me that knows I can’t go forever not sleeping, without my meds I will be even more of a wreck, and some of those decisions and ideas are not the best.

When people talk about bipolar, a thing that is often mentioned is that people miss the “highs” the manic or hypomanic episodes, sometimes so much they stop taking their meds.  It makes sense and I’ve considered it, especially since I don’t get manic very often, mine are mostly mixed states or hypomanic if not depressed.  Being someone with only mild highs and who does what I’m suppose to, I haven’t experienced many consequences of my high moods.  Part of me is saying that all the “normal” people are full of shit and this is how they keep you boxed in, how they stop the exceptional minds from making them look bad.  Yeah I’m aware the making logical sense and not are blurring and this is what happens when there is so much going on inside and I guess that’s why it’s time to take my meds, go crawl into bed, and hope I can sleep.

And that’s why I try not to think too much

22 Jun

My brain is on super fast mode tonight and the thoughts won’t stop flying at me.  So in an attempt to slow them down or at least get them out of my head here it is.  This post will probably ramble and make no sense so feel free to disregard it.  The week has been good, appt with case manager went well on Wednesday and all has been good up till most of today.  I had a few disappointments but handled them real well I though.  Stepped out of my comfort zone a bit.  I had mentioned in my post about apathy how really all I was concentrating on/putting energy into was my appointments with my case manager and social events with friends from the 20 something’s; because these are the things I enjoy (most times) and I need to have a few things to keep me anchored or I’ll stay in bed all day.

So case manager appointments are weekly, Wednesdays at 3:30 usually and I like it at that time because if it’s a bad week I can usually wait til Wednesday and if it’s after Wednesday, it’s like I have the carryover from the appointment. I use to have appointments on Fridays at 11:30 but I like the Wednesday situation better.  I can also message case manager or ask for emergency appointments if necessary- I try not to because of my fear of being too much and being abandoned.

20 something’s is a LGBT group that meets every week on Thursday nights and we do different activities or have discussions.  Much to my surprise I’ve managed to make/maintain friendships with some of the people outside of group.  I sometimes talk about gay movie night which is also a weekly thing, Sundays.  But in the last few months I have been doing sporadic things outside the weekly planned things, like swimming, hanging out, going out to eat, iceblocking, laser tag, going out to the bar, etc… all with different sets or sometimes just one person from the group.  I’m still real insecure though and like now my brain is racing with what I did wrong, what I did well, replaying events, planning for future ones.

It’s easy to pick out things I think I didn’t do right, that people really don’t like me, etc…  I guess that’s my default me and case manager talked about it Wednesday and she says the difference with people with BPD vs people with depression is that with people with depression you may believe your worthless or be really negative about yourself but something overrides it and tells you you are okay or something and that doesn’t happen with people with BPD.  I don’t know whether I agree but I know for myself I got some terrible views about myself and I honestly believe them, I try not to act like it because no one likes that and everyone thinks you are just trying to get them to reassure you, or throw a pity party, or get attention or whatever.  But really I don’t take care of myself because I don’t care about myself and I think I’m worth nothing.  I do what I have to (most times) because people tell me to or I don’t want to hurt them or it’s just what you are suppose to do.  The main reason I think I couldn’t handle living alone is that I would let myself go… with no one on me to eat, shower, change clothes, get out of bed, etc… I seriously don’t think I would.  I would just isolate and then end up killing myself and I see it happening rather rapidly.

So today I went and played laser tag with 3 friends from the 20 somethings group and one said something about cutting in refrence to seeing some of the others forearms, no one had cuts on them.  I don’t cut on my forearms either, but it was triggering him or bothering him in such way and I felt it.  Immediately my mind goes back to yesterday when I was swimming with some 20 something friends and this same friend saw one of my scars on my should and asked what happened… I looked and quickly replied myself… I personally don’t have a problem with him knowing about my cutting (or at least I didn’t at the time) but there were other people there that I wasn’t as comfortable knowing and you never know how far conversations like that are going to go.

I tried to refill my Latuda through an online reordering thing and the other prescription came but the Latuda has not yet.  I will be out of Latuda by the end of the week.  Part of me is hoping it doesn’t come or thinking about not taking it.  I miss some of the voices and I miss my more carefree and busy with the voices mind that didn’t dwell on things so much and have so much anxiety.  My case manager said something about a lot of people going off their meds for similar reasons I was thinking about earlier- almost makes it feel like I have the green light to stop taking it because that’s what everyone does.  I’m just such a rule stickler, kinda OCD in this regard, I’m not sure if I could do it.

Back to the friends/socializing topic.  I’m just insecure about everything.  There are some people in the group I like more and some I like less and it feels weird to me, like you’re suppose to like everybody the same even though I know that’s not true.  Also some people are closer with others and others don’t seem to like others as well, another sign it’s normal, but it’s strange to me.  I feel like I’m back in high school (though I doubt I ever did this then) seeing how I measure up and whether so-so likes me more than so-so, what about this one, and that one and so on.  I get envious when people in the group I like hangout with each other and I’m not invited.  I know no one is invited to everything and silly thing is sometimes I even don’t really like/know some of the people there or hosting so it makes sense- but I still feel left out.  Hello BPD.  Then I’m always worried about losing the friendships I have with the people I really like, that they will figure me out and not like me anymore.  I worry because I’m so different from them and I think maybe it’s a bad thing and since there are so many differences maybe they don’t really like me or can’t relate to me or something.  Most things are stuff I can’t change- I’m older, my family has lots of stuff, I’m more reserved, I have this mental illness stuff going on.  It’s just I really like most the people and there isn’t really very many that I don’t like at all, some I just like more than others but I’m afraid they don’t like me or misunderstand me.  I’m always thinking I’m misunderstood but I’m so complex I don’t know how to explain me.

Past few weeks

5 Sep

These past few weeks have been bad.  Not bad in a depressing sort of down all the time bad, but bad as in bouncing up and down and feeling out of control.  I hate being depressed but I hate more not feeling in control, not feeling stable but afraid to do something about it.

I had the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon last weekend and I was determined to make it to it no matter all the stuff I was going through.  I’ve been in tears way more than usual lately and a few times hysterical.  I am usually pretty control in how my emotions show.  If I am crying, I do it when alone and no one knows about it and it doesn’t happen a lot.  There was the situation with my math teacher telling me not to take the class that got me all emotional.  A few situations with my sister.  One day when everything seemed to be going wrong and as the kicker my dad accidentally rolled the electric window up while my index finger was in it.  I have a high pain tolerance and usually would have just held it in, but it was one of those situation where it was the last straw.  I almost started crying while doing the Disney 1/2 Marathon when I didn’t think I was going to finish in time.

I have been angrier than usual, or maybe just more in touch with my anger.  Multiple things have been irritating me, silly things, and other things that I usually can put up with.  Mostly family interactions, too much awareness of needing to get out of this situation.  People being insensitive.  People not responding to comments, messages, e-mails, texts, etc (this may have more to do with abandonment/rejection issues) but usually it makes me sad and anxious rather than angry, irritated, or annoyed.  I’ve also been irritated by the fact that when I try to work on issues something happens with me that makes it get put on hold, I wrote a post about this the other day.  Annoyance during Intro to DBT.  People telling me that situations were good opportunities to practice my skills.hospi

Of course there has been the paranoia which also had it’s own post.  I’ve also been dealing with the voices on and off, though they haven’t been as incapacitating as they can be.

My thoughts have been alternating between racing and feeling like my head is vibrating inside, like earlier today; or the cloudy can’t process things feeling like last night at Intro to DBT.  I was trying to write some thoughts that came to me and mid sentence I would forget what I wanted to write.

I withdraw and won’t talk or won’t shut up.  I was hurt on the car ride home from Disneyland when my brother-in-law said something about me and my sister talking too much.  I actually (impulsively) said that it’s either this or not talk at all and be depressed, and said something about how I’m bouncing all over the place and I don’t like it either.

I have some things I should probably mention to my case manager on Friday in addition to all the other “signs and symptoms” I have written here, but I’m afraid if I do she will hospitalize me.  I hate lying and I could try to just convince myself it would be better just not to mention it but in a sense that is dishonesty too.  It’s only been 2 weeks of school and I really don’t want to be hospitalized this early on but I also don’t know how much longer I can deal with this bouncing and if no one knows the only way it will get better if it cycles it’self out.  I might need a medicine adjustment.

 

Breaking the Silence of Stigma: Not What You’d Expect

14 Aug

I was invited to do a guest blog and this is it! 🙂 The post hilights stereotypes of the mentally ill and what people expect them to be like. It includes: some of my symptoms, a little bit of my treatment history, the stereotypes that don’t apply to me, and then a little about myself.

Bipolar For Life

Marci:

I have my days, more than most.  I am mostly depressed.  Walking to the mailbox is exhausting and considered an accomplishment.  I stay in my room and hide from the world.  I don’t feel like eating, it seems pointless and food has lost its flavor anyways.  All I want to do is sleep but I can’t.

The thoughts won’t slow down long enough to allow me to rest.

“Why me?  This isn’t fair?  I just want it to end. You’re over reacting.  I wish I could escape.  What did I do to deserve this?  You’re stupid.  Just snap out of it.  Why me?…” 

I can’t sit still, my legs shake and my heart pounds as I try to anticipate what is coming next…  How bad will it get this time?  Will I need to be hospitalized again?  Have my medicine changed again?  Should I call someone?

I live 75-90%…

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Song Lyrics: Take it Easy

7 Jun

“Take It Easy” by Eagles

Well, I’m running down the road
tryin’ to loosen my load
I’ve got seven women on
my mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says she’s a friend of mine
Take It easy, take it easy 
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels 
drive you crazy 
Lighten up while you still can 
don’t even try to understand 
Just find a place to make your stand 
and take it easy 
Well, I’m a standing on a corner
in Winslow, Arizona
and such a fine sight to see
It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me 
We may lose and we may win though 
we will never be here again 
so open up, I’m climbin’ in, 
so take it easy 
Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen 
my load, got a world of trouble on my mind 
lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my 
cover, she’s so hard to find 
Take it easy, take it easy 
don’t let the sound of your own 
wheels make you crazy 
come on baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me, oh oh oh 
Oh we got it easy
We oughta take it easy

Character limit

7 Jun

It’s Friday. I’ve been struggling pretty consistently since Wednesday night. I think I’m transitioning into a depressive state since I appear to be experiencing mixed symptoms. I only slept 4 hours last night despite taking 50mg of Seroquel around noon and 100mg of Seroquel at 2am. I also took 5mg Valium and 50mg Seroquel about 1/2 hour ago. I can’t sleep and I can’t sit still. I’m agitated and full of pressure and tension that can’t seem to be expressed and I’m not even sure where its coming from. My thoughts are racing, I’m having strong self harm urges. I’m afraid of needing hospitalization or being unable to complete summer school, its not that bad yet. I’m isolating but not really feeling lonely, there’s no real triggers and most stuff is just internal. It’s not coming and going like BPD symptoms do. There are no troublesome voices. I still feel like I’m losing control, I don’t know if its because I’m coming off a pertly lengthily good period. I can’t seem to rest and slow down. I’ve tried all the coping skills I can think of.