Tag Archives: PTSD

A step in the right direction

23 May

Today I went to class and took my midterm, don’t ask how I did.  I’m not sure and at this point in time I barely remember taking it.  Today’s been floaty and far away but I’ve managed to stay out of bed.  I socialized some with the roommates.  I also made dinner and ate some, lasagna.  It’s small steps.

dissociating

22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

When it’s your normal

17 May

So I found myself explaining body memories of PTSD last night.  And while I am somewhat use to them, it’s been about 6 years since the intense ones and I know why they happen and I separate the visual/emotional flashbacks with the body one’s so it’s not bad.  But I’m aware and it’s my “normal” I for the most part know what causes them, can stay away from them and have skills to cope with them.  I also have skills to cope with the other aspects of PTSD some better some worse and some I don’t know as well because I don’t understand them and they are triggered out of the blue it seems and I can’t connect or prevent it necessarily.  But anyways, I find people react like oh “that sounds scary,” “you’re so brave” “how do you handle that” etc. not just with PTSD but a lot of mental illness and for the most part I’m like this is my normal, it’s what I’m used to, it happens a lot.

I’m okay now

11 Mar

I’m doing okay now.  Really good actually, the best I’ve ever done in my life.  But since the majority of my life I have not done well I always have this feeling that something bad is going to happen or some kind of dread.  Right now it’s a fear/curiosity and those two often don’t go well together.

One of my official diagnoses is PTSD, and I take Prazosin for night terrors.  I’ve started going to a support group in anticipation of leading one in a few weeks and a member was talking about blacking out and night terrors and PTSD related things.  I asked her if she’d tried Prazosin and there was a short conversation.  But it reminds me of how I can relate to so many people.  It reminds me of blacking out and forgetting things I have done.  It reminds me of the dissociating.  And with my PTSD, I’m not completely aware what the trauma is.

In my experience things that aren’t solved always come back

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.

Medicine

7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.

 

Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

Bullying/”Cruel”

16 Jan

A conversation well rant my sister had the other day has been on my mind lately.  I guess my dad was at her house and was doing his thing where he makes fun of people and calls them a baby and all that to the neighbor kid that was at her house.  He did this to me growing up all the time, to various degrees.  Anyways, when the neighbor kid left I guess my sister just exploded at my dad about how it’s not his place to be harsh like that and how it’s one of his major short comings and how he’s such a bully.  How he was being a bully and all this that and the other including being cruel, harsh, negative, critical, and a coward.  Anyways, eventually my dad was like “Well, it’s just the neighbor kid and he needs to man up and it doesn’t matter.”  And my sister said “What about Marci, well how did that work out for you” and I guess then there was awkward silence.

I’ve always seen my dad as being verbally and emotionally abusive, but as a bully and “cruel” not till it was brought up the other night.  I guess I should bring up this with my case manager or the therapist.

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me.  I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years.  With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years.  My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three.  I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate.  I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt.  Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future.  I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses.  But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

Sometimes life is so frustrating

16 Dec

I know that I have a lot of issues and most of them are modge-podged.  When I get stressed out of triggered, different symptoms present themselves.  It’s frustrating because it seems like to me there is something underneath that needs to be processed, but I don’t know what it is or how to access it.  So I continue to do damage control when the symptoms surface.  Living life seems to be about crisis management and I’m sick of it.  But I don’t know what to do.  I can’t “pick” something arbitrary and not know if it is it or not.  Also I get the impression that if there is something to work on or process, it’s about doing only that thing and working on only that!  I have 4 diagnosable mental illnesses and many of symptoms that aren’t prevalent enough to have a current diagnosis of them.  It’s like working on the voices, even that there are 4 sets of voices (if you count the externals)!  Everything seems so insurmountable!

Yesterday I took the extra Latuda because one of the main things that was bothering me was the voices.  It was two of the sets along with how I was reacting to what they were saying.  I put on my loud music and just tried to drown them out, I haven’t had to do that since starting the Latuda almost two years ago.  I know there was triggers and multiple of those too.  My question is do I even bother bringing it up in counseling Friday.  Part was trigger from a news story on FB, it being finals time, family issues (including feeling like it was left up to me to celebrate her birthday since everyone else had plans) and random past PTSD things.  Along with the voices I was getting visions too, which I guess can be explained as flashes of a scene as an visual hallucination, they go away pretty fast less than 30 seconds usually.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to have to increase my daily dosage of Latuda.

Sometimes life is so frustrating.