Tag Archives: PTSD

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.


7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.


Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.


16 Jan

A conversation well rant my sister had the other day has been on my mind lately.  I guess my dad was at her house and was doing his thing where he makes fun of people and calls them a baby and all that to the neighbor kid that was at her house.  He did this to me growing up all the time, to various degrees.  Anyways, when the neighbor kid left I guess my sister just exploded at my dad about how it’s not his place to be harsh like that and how it’s one of his major short comings and how he’s such a bully.  How he was being a bully and all this that and the other including being cruel, harsh, negative, critical, and a coward.  Anyways, eventually my dad was like “Well, it’s just the neighbor kid and he needs to man up and it doesn’t matter.”  And my sister said “What about Marci, well how did that work out for you” and I guess then there was awkward silence.

I’ve always seen my dad as being verbally and emotionally abusive, but as a bully and “cruel” not till it was brought up the other night.  I guess I should bring up this with my case manager or the therapist.

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me.  I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years.  With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years.  My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three.  I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate.  I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt.  Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future.  I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses.  But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

Sometimes life is so frustrating

16 Dec

I know that I have a lot of issues and most of them are modge-podged.  When I get stressed out of triggered, different symptoms present themselves.  It’s frustrating because it seems like to me there is something underneath that needs to be processed, but I don’t know what it is or how to access it.  So I continue to do damage control when the symptoms surface.  Living life seems to be about crisis management and I’m sick of it.  But I don’t know what to do.  I can’t “pick” something arbitrary and not know if it is it or not.  Also I get the impression that if there is something to work on or process, it’s about doing only that thing and working on only that!  I have 4 diagnosable mental illnesses and many of symptoms that aren’t prevalent enough to have a current diagnosis of them.  It’s like working on the voices, even that there are 4 sets of voices (if you count the externals)!  Everything seems so insurmountable!

Yesterday I took the extra Latuda because one of the main things that was bothering me was the voices.  It was two of the sets along with how I was reacting to what they were saying.  I put on my loud music and just tried to drown them out, I haven’t had to do that since starting the Latuda almost two years ago.  I know there was triggers and multiple of those too.  My question is do I even bother bringing it up in counseling Friday.  Part was trigger from a news story on FB, it being finals time, family issues (including feeling like it was left up to me to celebrate her birthday since everyone else had plans) and random past PTSD things.  Along with the voices I was getting visions too, which I guess can be explained as flashes of a scene as an visual hallucination, they go away pretty fast less than 30 seconds usually.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to have to increase my daily dosage of Latuda.

Sometimes life is so frustrating.


19 Sep

Life feels very strange right now.  I am hyper vigilant about getting into a depressed state and having another breakdown.  It usually happens around this time every year.  Last year my inpatient psychiatrist said we were running out of options.  I feel desperate to make it through this season without the hospital, on the same medicine regimen for a year which hasn’t happened since my teens.  I know my inpatient psychiatrist put chronic mental health issues as stressers for me on my last release, part of me wonders if this has to do with the PTSD diagnosis, is my trauma living a life with mental illness?

Lately the depressions have been lasting less than a week usually about 3-5 days, I bounce back for a bit and then it comes back.  I know if it doesn’t last at least two weeks it’s not truly a depressive episode of my schizoaffective disorder.  It’s just the BPD emotionalness, even if I’m stuck in the same feeling for days instead of just hours.  I guess I should be thankful they are short lived and it’s not another depressive episode that is months long.  But I’m on edge and just waiting for it because it comes back each year.

The mental health professionals (my case manager, the therapist, the psychiatrist, and even the DBT leaders) think I am progressing… I can’t see it and that frustrates me very much.  I feel just as insecure, emotional, anxious, and everything else as always.  Maybe it’s just because I am handling it better.  I don’t know?  Maybe next session I can ask my case manager for some concrete evidence that I’m doing better and I can write it down in my wellness journal.  I’m not down right now and I still don’t see progress.  It’s very hard for me to have a perspective, since mine was always invalidated.

Another strangeness is if this is BPD depression, what caused it?  Usually there is a trigger and I don’t see one.  Maybe just all the stress of transferring and making decisions.  Maybe the impending ending of the closeness of the friendship with 20 somethings friend.  I’m not really sure.  But it feels like a crisis and I guess I’ve just been riding the wave.  I really hate living life like this, but it’s nice that I have people by my side now that are there even when I’m not as fun to be around, am pessimistic, or just flat.

Today’s goal was to make it the best day possible and I think I succeeded as I feel happy right now.  I did my hygiene stuff I needed to do.  I worked on a fall themed SMASH book I’m doing, I hung out with Gibby, I asked my dad to BBQ and we had that for dinner.  I got my pedicure with a Halloween theme.  And then I hung out with 20 somethings friend and watched some Glee, something that I had asked for earlier in the week.

We’re on Interpersonal Effectiveness in DBT right now and that means dealing with relationships.  I’ve notice that I do a lot of mind reading and don’t ask for what I want or need because I assume the person will say no.  I also often equate feelings as facts.  I’m feeling unloved or abandoned and that means that I am; it’s tricky to validate the feelings and still try to see the “facts.”

The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Diagnosis

24 Aug

After this last hospitalization was also the first time I had ever been diagnosed with PTSD. The diagnosis wasn’t as surprising as the sensory processing disorder. I’ve always been told I have a lot of trauma issues.  I am also on a medication for PTSD like nightmares. 

The only question I have. Which I’ll never ask is: what trauma were they referring to when they gave me the diagnosis. Like I said in my earlier posts on my other diagnosis, they just give you the sheet on the way out the door. 

Another oddity is that my inpatient psychiatrist had about an hour long discussion with my dad. He called my dad and I know they talked about my ECT, but surely that couldn’t have lasted a whole hour. It’s also doubtful that he spoke of the dysfunction growing up, which is one trauma.  He’s never let on that he knows any other trauma and I think he thinks we didn’t have it the best growing up but wouldn’t call it abuse. 

The other possibility is that they used the sexual assault for the diagnosis. I doubt that, I’ve been honest about it for the last three or four hospitalizations and it was never there before. Plus they asked no details or if I had any symptoms relating to it. 

There is also my speculations of sexual abuse but how would they know anything about that. The hospitalizations involve groups and learning skills. I’ve never talked to anyone individually, but whenever they ask I say I don’t know because of my memory gaps. 

And lastly, but I don’t want to rule anything out. With the new diagnosis sheets and the doing away with the axis system he asked about stress. And I said nothing other than having to continue to battle mental illness all my life. And that is on my discharge paperwork.  

A reminder: Encouraging Thunder Award

30 Jul

Thanks to 21andSensory for nominating the blog award.  This is my second time receiving this award, and I love awards.  It means I’m appreciated and who doesn’t like to be appreciated.

Why I blog?

I started blogging as a place to vent and outlet my feelings.  After gaining some followers, I learned about the rich community.  I’m diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a mental illness not too many people know of.  Heck! I hadn’t heard of it until I was diagnosed.  For those who don’t know it’s a combo of bipolar (in my case) and schizophrenia symptoms.  I’m also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I think there is a lot of stigma and stereotypes, so I blog to dispel some of those.  Along with those two, PTSD has been added to my official list of diagnoses.  Not sure why they added that now, since I’ve experienced trauma and PTSD symptoms for a long time.  After the last hospitalization, low and behold, I was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder as well.  One reason why I enjoy reading the blog that nominated me.  I like to spread awareness about mental illness/health as well as who I am as a person.  Soon I will be doing a post highlighting some of my favorite blogs I follow, so I will skip the nomination process.

The pretty award:

Feeling triggered

31 Dec

Feeling really triggered right now, but I’m surrounded by people.  In addition, the people are doing things that are triggering me.  I don’t really want to bring it up and am too uncomfortable.  The wrists are burning, vision is starting to blur.  I could pretend to sleep, but I can’t manage the dark like this.  I just picked up my computer and went to another room.