Tag Archives: psychosis

MIAW 2017

1 Oct

Today’s the first day of Mental Illness Awareness Week.  I posted a quick thing on one of my FB pages and should probably on my older more popular one, but we’ll see.  It was the juvenile diabetes walk today so I saw high school friend and that crowd.  I was talking with one friend out of that crowd about what specifically schizoaffective disorder is and what makes is different from schizophrenia and what makes it different from mood disorders.  She also asked me how I was doing since I transferred to the university and I was honest about the couple of psychotic episodes, but not enough to get hospitalized we just managed with increasing medication.  It’s refreshing being able to be so open now and not feeling like I have to hide what is such a big part of my life.

And then at ice cream later with some planner friends, I mentioned being exempt from jury duty for life.  I wasn’t as comfortable as saying my psychiatrist wrote the note, but that a note had written every year since I was eligible and he keeps writing me out and now exerted me for life.


7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.


Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

NAMI National Convention 2016

7 Jul

Today was the first Official day of the convention although there was an extra track yesterday about first episode psychosis that was rather interesting. The convention this year is in Denver, Colorado last year it was in San Fransico, California. I live in California  so last year me and mom drove to the conference and while she didn’t go, she stayed in the hotel with me. This year I flew by myself and am staying by myself for 4 nights. The night before I chickened out, was really physically sick with stomach issues, and if my dad wasn’t home would have just not gone. But he’d ridicule me and not understand so I sucked it up and went on little sleep and little faith.
The first day was just registering, checking in to hotel, the one track, and I went to sleep early. I liked the talk. I was proud I was able to fly, get a cab, and check in to the hotel without having a melt down. I went to bed as soon as the program was over and my sleep was weird with bad dreams. There’s no bath here and I forgot my hairbrush. So I just called the front desk (hardest thing so far) and asked for a comb) I combed my hair and put on my hat. The other hotel has a hair brush I bought so I’ll try to shower tomorrow. 
The one good talk yesterday was about getting people with psychosis to engage in treatment. It talked about the negative symptoms of those with psychotic disorders like: lack of motivation, isolation, lack of interest in things, flat affect, monotone/don’t respond much. Yet there is still the need to belong and the desire for connection.  Sometimes the problem goes to we can’t do what we use to do.  Example when I had to stop working I never talked to old boss till years after though we were very good friends and went to the movies a lot. There were a lot of things I couldn’t do at points of illness, like attend school or social events so I just lost everything related to that. When nothing feels great you stop trying because you don’t expect it to and why put in the effort. We prefer hobbies to people and don’t engage in the community. Sometimes we are protecting ourselves but sometimes it holds us back.   In order to help these negative symptoms which have underlying problems such as defeatist beliefs you need to let the individual set the goals for therapy.  No ones life’s goals. Is to get up and shower. To make their bed. To take their Meds. As the speaker humoursly suggested maybe your ambition is to live independently with a soda machine in your apartment? 

  • Then ambitions are broken down.  Steps are concrete. 
  • Action towards the goal is the therapy target 
  • Obstacles are addressed as they impede action
  • Conceptualization is the key to the obstacles
  • Achieving the ambitions reinforces the curative beliefs

That was yesterday. Today talked about policy and government. A good workshop on peer workers though there were two VOCAL audience members who should’ve been kept in better check. I’ll scan the awesome resource document when I get home. I also attended another sessions  on first episode psychosis programs; there was a lot of that at the NAMU National Convention 2015, so no real new info. 

I hope I sleep better tonight. I can take a quick shower in the morning without my sensory issues going crazy. And noticing my interactions with people vs the rest of the convention the more likely I fall on the ASD spectrum.  I’ve talked to one person since I got here. Most have depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, PTSD, or are a family member of someone who does. There are board members and stuff too but even them usually have some relation. 

ASD Eval Part 2

14 Jun

Today I had my second part of my Autistic Spectrum Disorder Evaluation.  It was just one long questionnaire with 344 questions!  It almost seemed like a general psych test because there were questions about anger, drugs, alcohol, anxiety, depression, all kinds of stuff.  I told him at the end that I had some other diagnoses and some questions were familiar.  My appointment to go over the results of all the testing together are July 12th, which seems like a long time away.  I’m kinda on board with 20 somethings friend now and feel like I already have a diagnosis but lets see what Kaiser has to say, although it took them forever to figure out the Schizoaffective diagnosis and even longer to find a good medication combination. And I asked the guy what happens and he says he pretty much sends the results to the therapist, so I guess that’s it?  I’d be more comfortable asking my case manager about it and using her as an intermediary and I know she can read my file and all the notes too.

The Orlando shooting set off the voices, and that was the post the other day.  Luckily it was less than a few hours of psychosis stopped by some extra Latuda I took.  I tried to stay away from the news of it on Sunday but it was everywhere, plus the Latuda makes me drowsy.  After 3pm the psychosis was gone.  I always worry when it onsets again, that this will be the time it doesn’t go away, that this will be the time that I lose control.  In this case… that this will be a time I need to be hospitalized and I’ll miss my orientation for transferring and it will screw everything up.

People think I worry too much or to take it one step at a time.  But I live on the brink of insanity.  I need to be very vigilant.

Two appointments-Two Days

30 Mar

I saw the therapist yesterday and my case manager today.  The therapist asked me the beginning of some ASD evaluation questions and had me fill out two questionnaires.  A lot of the answers I did not know because they had to do with childhood, my mom’s pregnancy, or family history.  20 somethings friend asked how it went, I said I think I passed because she said the next part was a referral and it might be a couple months out.  Some of the questions were complicated.  Some didn’t surprise me considering I know some about autism and aspergers.  When I met with my case manager today she asked me why I did tell the therapist a few specific things I had told her, I told her number 1 she didn’t ask and 2 they were strange and she said that’s exactly why I needed to tell her.  I said I didn’t want her judging me and it’s okay because you just joke I’m part cat, but she won’t be like that.  So I’m suppose to make a list of the more stranger aka embarrassing things; I’m already to 1/2 page.  I realized today I will go to UC Davis, the voices were right along with everyone else I’m just not ready or stable enough to start over in a new city 10 hours away with no one I know.  With all my new realizations I’m not sure I’ll be able to live on campus; I’ll take it slow.  And I don’t want to take advantage of services I don’t need.  I’m sad about not going to SDSU, I cried a little even in front of my mom and went to ice cream.  I’m trying to just focus on the accomplishment of getting in, that 9% that got accepted.  I talked about my mini hypomanic/psychotic episode, the dreams that had my case manager in them, a few articles I had read on FB that resonated with me, and the appointment with the therapist; it was non stop talk with my case manager today.  I’ll bring my list of strange stuff to my case manager next week and see if it’s things I should tell the therapist or not.

Daily Prompt: Must Not Fail

15 Oct

WordPress Daily Prompt 9/26/15: What is the one thing at which you are the most afraid of failing?

I’m afraid of failing with dealing with my mental illness, either that I’ll succumb to suicide or will fall into a permanent state of psychosis.

The Future

24 Sep

I think most people have a fear of the future and the unknown, but for those of us with mental illness the future can be uncertain and terrifying.  With my schizoaffective disorder I use to never know when the psychosis would be bad enough to be in the hospital.  Since I have had a break before and not remembered my behavior or actions I was afraid of what I could do in the midst of a psychotic episode.  Now with my current medication I’m more confident in not having as many and as severe episodes.  But I’ve had anti-psychotic medication work before and then stop working.

The bipolar aspect also doesn’t give you any prediction of the future.  I know I usually have depressive episodes around October and March but the severity and duration change.  I don’t get manic anymore since the medication changes but I do make decisions in hypomania that effect my future.  The only real job I had I got while hypomanic and I couldn’t imagine myself having the confidence to do it without those symptoms hypomania brings.

With BPD, I’m really sensitive to rejection, abandonment and judgement- it makes it very hard to step outside my comfort zone and try new things.  I’m afraid of dating and making friends.  I have an empty and meaningless feeling frequently which makes the future seem unimportant or irrelevant, there seems to be no purpose.  Along with being chronically suicidal you are never really sure you will even make it to the future.  My changes in self identity, change the goals I have in life.   I use to be very religious but now that isn’t a big figure in my life.

Nighttime Psychosis

12 Sep

Nighttime is the worse time to deal with psychosis.  I’m usually tired and it’s harder to fight it.  Last night I was having terrible hallucinations that I was in a dark place and wolves were all around me and then it would feel like my covers were being pulled off of me.  Psychosis is not always scary, but last night I was terrified.  I took a Valium and then a message dinged and brought me out of it, then I facebook messaged 20 somethings friend till I passed out.  I was thinking about going to sleep with my mom.  But I prefer my parents think the psychosis is gone totally and completely.  If I had realized it was Friday and not Saturday, I could have gotten an extra Latuda out of my pill chart, but I was confused on the days.

Hallucinations come in many forms and I don’t usually have visual ones.  Most mine are auditory or tactile.

Realizations, questions, and progress

8 Sep

So I had DBT tonight and we were talking about assertiveness within the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness.  This is where I dropped out years ago, so I don’t know a lot about Interpersonal effectiveness.  I’m not an assertive person, mostly passive sometimes passive aggressive.  We learned some acronyms depending on what your priority is in the interaction.  I’ll do a separate post on that later.  I’m not a good communicator.  Tonight I kinda figured out why, I asked how to be assertive and use the DEAR MAN skills with someone who can be super aggressive and verbally attacking you.  They pretty much said you can’t, I told them how I maneuver around it using my sister as a mediator.  They said that was effective and skillful and I should take credit for it.  I was surprised.  So one parent can be verbally abusive/aggressive and the other is kinda on her own planet/neglectful- this was especially true growing up it’s a little better now.  No wonder I never learned to communicate, I was kind of in impossible situations.  Now I can try it but with more receptive people and maybe some with my parents if they are willing to engage.

I had an academic advising appointment this morning, two actually but the second got canceled due to jury duty.  I theoretically could transfer to a four year university in Fall 2016.  Am I ready?  I don’t know, I feel like I’d need to do some serious work to be ready in a year, but do I really want to waste an extra year when everything’s already completed?  Just to be safe?  Will I get complacent and never go?  Is the time now?  Am I stable enough?  What about moving and insurance and medication and therapy?  Can I line that up in a year?  I’m considering it, any readers opinions or tips would be awesome.

The side voices were episodic voices they mostly had to do with suicidal and homicidal things, a specific trigger was school shootings (no idea why).  Since being on Latuda there have been a couple school shooting and no re-emergence of the voices.  I was hesitant and you never really know when they’ll show up.  But I was happy a usual trigger wasn’t applicable anymore.  Last Thursday there was a shooting on one of the campuses I attend, I attend my classes Monday and Wednesday though.  Full lockdown, one dead, 2 more injured, and they still haven’t caught the other person involved.  Turns out they all knew each other and the 3 victims were students leaving their classes.  So it happened on campus and wasn’t planned.  But still no voices!!! I’m stoked and now think that they may never return.  That’s progress!

Psychosis I made my own

3 Sep

These pie graphs are going viral. I’ve seen one on anxiety and one on depression, you can see them on my blog Facebook page. Less talked about is psychosis and this is my interpretation.