Tag Archives: panic


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.


**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**

Finals week x2

8 Dec

Next week is suppose to be finals week with a final exam for each of my classes, Monday and Tuesday, then I’ll be done. However each class is having final projects this week. I had my Hebrew presentation yesterday, so one down. Today is a one-on-one conversation with my French teacher and Thursday I have to write an essay about aliens in French.

And of course yesterday I got sick, so I have that on top of all these projects and tests. Yesterday I was having another panic about school, transferring, and the future. As well as a huge feeling of insecurity about everything.  I just crawled into bed and didn’t do anything. They (the voices) were talking about how I missed up the presentation because I didn’t talk enough, and that my paper is plagerized, and I was going to fail at all my classes, transferring, relationships, and life in general. It’s hard when you have something saying that in your head over and over and it seems like they know everything. 

I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like the voices are omnipotent, omniscient, and everywhere (can’t remember the omi for that one.)


22 Nov

Not sure where I am.  Was talking to blogger friend earlier today and both of us are feeling like we’re heading towards hospitalizations.  We seem to be in sync with each others moods, often.  I feel like I can’t afford to go to the hospital, the semester is near ending and I’m struggling in my classes.  I’m taking 4 classes next term which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years.  So I won’t have time for hospitalization then either.  Part of me is thinking of “scheduling” a hospitalization during winter break.  But I’m not sure I want to be in the hospital, I want to be succeeding or failing, no in between crap (now doesn’t that sound borderline.)  My case manager says to call or reach out to someone when I get suicidal.  It happened two nights ago again, but not as intense so I didn’t reach out- honestly when I’m like that I don’t want to reach out, I want to die.  I’m thinking of talking to my sister and 20 somethings friend to let them know I’m really struggling and have extra support and people who are at least in the know.

Friday’s counseling session was intense.  I talked about the school failure terror and die, read and got advice on my personal statements, read the password blog on abandonment, shame and questions.  I cried a lot, my sister knew as soon as she saw me as apparently I sounded congested.  She joked about being my case manager for this week, since mine is on vacation.  It’s hard to have someone is generally so cheery, try and relate to my depression.

A cloud

19 Nov

It feels like there is a cloud following me around every where I go today.  I shouldn’t complain because it’s been much worse and I’ve felt other things following me around before that turned into severe dissociation or hallucinations and luckily this isn’t that.  20 somethings friend joked, like the zoloft commercial and sent me a pic.  Yep, that’s exactly how I feel.  On the verge of tears but can’t cry, maybe if I start thinking about life and the future I’m sure I could send myself into a panic and crying fits, but it’s not worth it and I doubt I would feel relief afterwards.  I have counseling tomorrow, turns out Kaiser gave in and reached an agreement with the mental health department and so my case manager is here this week and I’ll see her tomorrow.  I’m thinking about making it a serious session, but not sure if I want to because she’ll be off the week of Thanksgiving (next week).  About abandonment (her’s or the upcoming of 20 somethings friend) or the panic over the future/failing and me getting extremely impulsive and dysregulated.


Fear of real or imagined abandonment

27 Aug

First let me say sorry, I haven’t gotten back to comments, I’m super overwhelmed right now and am in somewhat of survival mode.


So one of the main ways my Borderline Personality Disorder manifests itself is in the first criteria:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

What the lovely DSM leaves out is impending abandonment.  And for all purposes I’m using the word abandonment just because it is in the criteria and it fits how I feel but it is talking about the end/loss of a friendship.  My go to used to be not to get close to people because then they could never leave you.  It was pretty lonely, but it was safe.  Out of the three people that are important to me, I’ve had to go through some hard times with temporary abandonment/loss.

With my sister it was when she got her new job and didn’t have as much time for me.  The dynamics of our friendship/relationship changed.  I had to carefully consider if it was “worth” bothering her when she already had so much on her plate.  In the past I’d normally be the one receiving the support and having the bad days and bad moods; when she got into her job that changed and I found myself consoling and reassuring her.  I don’t mind it but it was such a dramatic shift to finally realize she had problems too, and it wasn’t all about me.  Sometimes, I think that stretch/change strengthened our relationship but sometimes I long for the past that I could call her up any time and she would try her hardest to make me feel better.  My sister is family so odds are we will never truly be apart or leave each others life.

With my case manager, it was when she left (went on leave) abruptly with no explanation and also no timeline on when of if she’d be back.  Unfortunately this coincided with the changes with my sister.  I would just lay in bed, with my mom.  I stopped going to school, I stopped going out, I stopped everything.  I thought I was the reason she left, I had just disclosed some really personal stuff prior to her leaving.  It was horrible for three or four months.  Then my mom read in the newspaper that her son had cancer and it helped a little.  I still missed her and didn’t have much support, other than the therapist they gave me (which I got again in addition later.)  I never realized how important the relationship was until she left.  I’ve been seeing my case manager for 5 years and for the most part it’s on my terms.  I don’t think she would ever terminate treatment with me, though I sometimes wonder if I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt if she would.  But we’re kind of tethered together until I don’t need therapy anymore.

And now with 20 somethings friend it is the most difficult.  I never meant to get as close as I did to him.  And in most ways I’m happy the experiences and emotions it has made me feel.  But it’s a two way relationship and not just on my terms, he’s not family, it’s just different.  I know he’s going away for school in the fall.  And my insides are torn up on what to do about it.  Wanting to cling, end the relationship, or just go crazy.  Along with that I’m constantly obsessively thinking about the time we have left.  After every interaction, I’m questioning if it’s worth it, if I’m pulling away, if he’s pulling away, what the discomfort is, why I feel so leery.

And then there is the stuff I am going through with the future and school, which mostly only 20 somethings friend knows about.  I haven’t brought it up much with my case manager because I usually am focusing with her on how to deal with the loss of the relationship.  People move on and grow apart, it’s part of life.  But for a borderline it is excruciatingly painful and sets me into panic mode.

Resource: DBT Observing and Describing Emotions

1 Jun

First my filled out version and then a blank in PDF and jpeg for you to use.

Name: Marci                                                    Date: Saturday 5/23/25

Emotion Name: Rejection/insecurity- Panic     Intensity: 50

Prompting Event: Me and 20 something’s friend were at the music festival when G texted him to invite him to see a gay movie with a group of people.  I didn’t get a text.

Interpretations: She doesn’t like me.  She knows I don’t like her.

Body Changes and Sensing: Stomach hurt

Body Language: Eyes kinda go down

Action Urges: I want to see if she doesn’t like me.  Think about asking 20 something’s friend.

What I said or did: Pretended it didn’t bother me.  Joked around with 20 something’s friend about it.  Reminded him he couldn’t go because of work.

After effects: Still some anxiety of her knowing I don’t like her.  A little hurt just keep telling myself I don’t like her anyway.

Re-evaluation: She thought I was camping and probably didn’t invite me because of that.  You don’t like her anyways.  Remember you can’t be invited to everything.  Probably just a couple people.

New Intensity: 15


observing and describing emotions


15 Dec

It’s been a crappy day and I have spent most of it in bed.  I didn’t do any studying and my mind has been running away with itself and how I’m such a bad person.  Abandonment fears and anxieties.  Also when my mood drops I panic that it won’t go back up and I’ll fall into another long depression. It’s also been a fat day, a day where my weight bothers me more than usual and I can feel all my fat rolls.  Just overall mostly a bad day.  The only good part was getting a text from a friend.  My sister was going to go with me to get ice cream, and she rarely does; but the ice cream parlor was closed with special hours.  Just seems nothing is working out.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

Writing 101: Day 17- DON’T PANIC

3 Jul


We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.

Death?  Spiders?  Heights?  Public Speaking?   NOPE I’m afraid of people, more specifically people leaving, abandoning, or rejecting me.

Diagnostic Criteria 1 for Borderline Personality Disorder: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Some of the criteria from Avoidant Personality Disorder: *Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.  *Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.  *Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.  *Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.

Of late I have been waking up in a panic wondering what I will do when my social situation with friends from the 20 something’s group dissolves.  It’s not simple fear, worry, or anxiety more like full blown panic and terror; sometimes to the point where I have to knock myself out so I don’t get worked up so much.  My reasons for worry:

  1. The group is for 20 something’s (20-29); I am already 31 and afraid of being asked to leave or feeling not right about attending since I’m older.
  2. It is really hard for me to make friends and family friend went with me to the group for like 2 months before I was even comfortable going alone.
  3. The 20 something’s group is really my only connection to the LGBT community, and I’m afraid without the link I may just go back into the closet.
  4. The age group of “20 something’s” is a group that moves around and changes a lot.  In the almost 3 years I have been going people have moved and stopped and started attending.  I also know others are thinking about or are planning on moving around.
  5. The majority of my socializing and support comes from members in this group.

There really isn’t an adequate way to express my panic online.

Today’s twist: Write this post in a distinct style from your own.

Today was torture

24 Jun

So my mind was going super fast Sunday night and I ended up taking a Valium so I could get to sleep.  I woke up Monday morning with a huge wave of panic and took my last bit of Seroquel and slept for the rest of the day.  I had made plans with a friend and set my alarm for 6pm and managed to go meet her, though I seriously considered texting her I wasn’t feeling well.  Unknowingly (hopefully) she said a comment that had me triggered since, though I think it’s finally running it’s course.  I got out of bed at 9:30am this morning to be told by mom I needed to go do my station work and it was going to be picked up by 10am.  For my work I don’t do a lot, but it’a always last minute and rushed… I told her that there would be too many people in the office then and even if I went now it wouldn’t be able to be done by 10am, but I’d get it done by the end of the afternoon.  Dad was in a mood today with a million things to do, complaining constantly, yet barely accomplishing anything.  I went to lunch with him since all I ate Monday was a double decker taco on the way to see the friend, since I slept all day.  Straight after lunch I went to do my work and my brain wouldn’t shut up and then was having trauma triggers.  I went home and wrote the two blogs from earlier today.

I feel dead inside.  I almost started crying at my sister’s for dinner.  I ended up walking outside and my brother-in-law came out to talk to me and see what I was doing.  I just told him I wasn’t having a very good day, understatement but there is no point in getting into it.  I don’t think I can even verbalize it.  Most of today was empty dead feeling with periods of intense anger.  I’m home now, though… dinner is over and I can go to bed.  I already took the Valium, mostly just to hasten the sleeping process.  It’s too painful to be conscious.  Fuck, these feelings better go away by the weekend. And no I didn’t end up cutting, not really even crying… there didn’t seem to be a point and I wasn’t into trying to keep quiet.