Tag Archives: out of control


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

30 Day Self Harm Awareness: Day 13

9 Sep

Master List

13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?

I think when I felt like I had to self harm at work one day to control overwhelming anxiety, I realized my self harming behaviors had gotten out of control.  I resorted to using children’s safety scissors to stab myself in the bathroom, it didn’t do a lot of damage but enough to calm the emotions.

Out of control. Hopeless. Alone. Confused. Terrified.

9 Jul

I’m confused.  I’m frustrated.  I’m terrified.  Having mental illness symptoms suck.  Many people don’t understand or experience them and they are rarely talked about.  I found some type of comfort tracking my symptoms, figuring them out and related illnesses/treatment/ and information.  Even though some things I don’t have a lot of control over, it gave me a little peace of mind knowing some what, what was going on with me and how to handle it.  It took years for me to identify symptoms/illnesses/treatments and even longer to accept all the things that come with them.  Ability to function, stability, triggers, patterns, how they developed, what they can develop into, limitations, duration, severity… I could go on and on.  At least having some information and being able to relate it to personal experience helped me cope.  I didn’t feel as out of control, completely alone, or like some kind of freak.  Okay I admit I still feel aspects of those still, because of the complexity of my illnesses and the fact that they are multiple.  But knowledge gave me some power over them.  I feel I am back at square one.  I don’t understand what’s going on in my mind and body.  I don’t have common words or words that feel right to explain it.  I again feel like some freak with miss matched symptoms that don’t add up to anything.  Out of control.  Hopeless.  Alone.  Confused.  Terrified.

Avoiding emergency care

22 Feb

A lot of my followers are from other countries.  I live in the US.  I’ve heard many people report on how Emergency services and mental health services suck.  I avoid inpatient care at most costs, along with partial hospitalization programs, crisis residential, and IOP.  My issues tend to be long standing and while there are times and episodes where things get intense, if there is any way I can survive it on my own I will.  I take extra medication, use to self harm, listen to music to block out voices, use classes and tests as an excuse on why I can’t be inpatient, etc.  So I was thinking about the reasoning why today and when I do give in and go, what contributes to it.  Pretty much either I just can’t function anymore, I haven’t been eating or bathing and just stay in bed all day and do nothing and I need to be taken care of and a reality check with a structured environment that requires eating, showering, and activities that won’t allow me to lay in bed all day.  The other time is when things are just too intense in my head- I might look like I’m functioning on the outside but I’m about to crack, hallucinations and delusions seem more real, more disconnect and dissociation, and feeling out of control.

Really all hospitalization does here is a crisis for a couple days where they mess with your meds and your in a locked so called “safe” environment.   It doesn’t solve any of the on going problems I have.  Majority of time I’m not a safety risk, I cut carefully and haven’t made a serious suicide attempt ever.  It gives a break from expectations and requirements, but I don’t have much of that.  It does get me away from family though and sometimes I need that.  Crisis residential is even worse because there is no structure and it’s small amount of people.

Partial and IOP do even less.  It’s a longer program and I don’t talk or open up to people on cue- so I don’t get anything out of it and sometimes just makes things worse.

Protected: Fault

25 Jan

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