Tag Archives: no motivation


7 Nov

It’s been interesting lately.  And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water.  I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me.  About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.)  The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes.  The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual.  Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance.  I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic.  Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief.  I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices.  My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices.  All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades.  I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping.  I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away.  This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend.  Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.

When we forget our medications work

1 Nov

The last few days have been really difficult, especially today and yesterday.  I think Friday I was running on adrenaline and that’s why I was doing okay.  It’s well known that people who take psychotropic medications usually have a difficulty with compliance for one reason or another.  Other than a couple incidences in my life I’ve been pretty compliant with what I’m prescribed.  The problem for me comes with re-fills.  I take a lot of different medications and some refill at different times than others.  A couple of them also have special refill instructions like more days to process the order.  I also take my pills from a pill chart, so I only see the bottles once a week.

Tuesday night I ran out of my Viibryd, there was a problem with the online pharmacy, it is one of my special order medications, and it was a new dosage/quantity prescription.  When I’m taking all my medications I’m feeling okay and I don’t really think about the fact that I’m doing okay is because I’m taking my medication.  I tend to underestimate it’s effects.  It’s only after I haven’t had it in my system for a few days that I realize the importance of it.  I’m sure part of it is wishful thinking to, it’s be so nice not to rely on medication to keep stable moods.

But the evidence shows itself yet again.  Yesterday and today I’ve been having uncontrollable crying spells, been more suicidal with stronger self harm urges.  I want to drop my classes, drop my future plans, drop off the planet.  I’ve spent most of yesterday and today in bed also.  It’s the weekend, so I need to wait until tomorrow to see if my prescription is in.  I need it.

It’s not emotional eating

11 Sep

I’ve gained about 50 pounds after starting the new medications in October.  Granted I was about 10 pounds under my average weight then because unlike most people depression makes me not want to eat.  I’ve taken off about 15, but have at least 15 more I want to lose.  I’m not very active, but I never have been it’s a struggle to get 5,000 steps on my fitbit.  I’ve been eating less but the weight loss seems to have plateaued.  I’m also on my period this week, so no way I’m weighing in now.  But I find when I’m bored and unmotivated (A LOT) I start rummaging through the fridge or decide to go out and get something to eat, the only other alternative is sleep.

I know I have stuff I can do: SMASH book, homework, research transferring, candy crush, duo lingo, reading, etc… but nothing has that pull other than eating or sleeping.  I’m trying to go for a walk at least 5 times a week but today the temp was projected to be 108.  Even with the walks with my sister I use range 5-6,000 steps and you’re suppose to have 10,000/day.  It’s kinda depressing, but the meds seem to be working best so far; so I don’t want to stop, even though I kinda do if you know what I mean.

I wish I had the drive to do more than sleep and eat.

I’m really bored and that’s a trigger

23 Jul

I’m bored today/tonight.  Usually I have 20 something’s group but I’ve been feeling so sensitive lately that I decided not to go tonight.  I haven’t made an infinite plan for the future about what to do about group.  But, sadly I can’t handle the left out feeling I get almost every night after we go out after the technical group is over.  I know I should be more mature and this is a me problem.  But it sucks when you feel alone or out of place most everywhere and then you find a group that’s suppose to be inclusive and you feel this way.  I’ll probably start going again, next week or the week after, but just not hanging out afterward.  I thought I made some real friends in that group but it’s looking like more of them were just a surface level friendship and I need to take that or not.

I also de-activated my Facebook for the same reason of feeling like I’m left out.  I don’t know how more to make it apparent I want to be invited places other than just inviting myself, which I won’t do.  People pretend to be like … “oh I’ll let you know” and then never do.  One girl was always like that, if you don’t want to invite me fine but don’t lie about it.  I know I don’t drink and am out of the typical age range so may be I’m just not a good fit.  The LGBT center that puts on this group has a Tuesday Night Ladies Night Out group, so maybe I will try that after I finish DBT.  It just seems so unfair and so much work with having to re-establish yourself and make it into a social circle, especially when you got issues.  Or a meet up group or something.  Now I kind of realize how important people are and how I desire that connection, even though I have hella high standards and walls to break through.  At least I know it.

Now since I know moving out with the girl from 20 somethings group won’t work I’m sort of upset.  I’m trying to re-frame it, maybe I’d like to get a small house in the area so I could be close to my family but still have some independence.  Not sure if I could handle living alone though.  I feel so lonely as it is, and it’s a tough time of the year because I don’t have school to occupy me.  Speaking of school they called and said I need to a education plan or a hold will be put on my registration.  What if I still am not really sure what I want to do?  Back to living alone, I just see myself losing motivation, not getting out of bed, and kinda falling off the planet.  I know I lean that way a lot even living with my parents.  But usually I make some sort of effort, like texting someone or trying to set up a walk with my sister or something.  I wonder if I could withstand that while living alone and really do it for myself.  I’m not sure yet, so I don’t want to take that step yet.

I suck

15 Sep

So my responsible plan didn’t work.  I did study and rewrite the full page essay about 3 times but that’s not good enough.  Of course the focus is on the fact that I laid down for over an hour and did nothing because I’m tired and lazy.  I can’t even motivate myself for 1/2 a day there is no way I’ll be able to live by myself.  I suck at everything and this is one of those times where I need reassurance but really have no where to go.  Sister is still at work.  Weary with 20 something’s friend.  Don’t see case manager till Wednesday.  The three people that matter aren’t available or I won’t reach out.  It’s crazy how discouraged I get so easily and how fast it all goes from all to nothing.  I know it’s all borderline stuff.  Now the day is ruined until someone can make me feel better and I don’t even deserve that.  Why do I fuck everything up.  I didn’t think trying to be responsible and not napping all day was that big of a goal, but I can’t do anything. Can’t even fucking write what I want to.


12 Sep

Sometimes you lack the energy/care to try. I really shouldn’t let others influence me so much. But that’s just how it is now.


7 Jul

It’s been a busy past couple of days.  I did a bunch of posts Friday night when I kinda fell apart later in the evening.  Friday night I didn’t get to sleep till like 3:30am so I had a lot of time to think about what to do about this recent situation and the back 2s.  I spent a lot of Saturday sleeping and recuperating so I was out of it so that was a good break.  Sunday I went to play ultimate Frisbee and ended up swimming with some friends until gay movie night. I had started to fall apart at the end of movie night but didn’t want to go home and actually fall apart so I stayed there for awhile.  Part of the time I had kinda hidden part of myself, really only me head fit, under the futon.  That desire to disappear and my eyes were doing the almost crying thing so I stayed under there for a bit.  I woke up this morning in kind of a funk but had already made plans to watch some TV with a friend.  So I decided to keep with it, that and canceling just would leave me feeling crappy in bed all day.  I’m super tired and not real motivated but I think I’ll watch some orange is the new black with my sister tonight.  Tomorrow will be a sleep day, I have nothing planned and since I feel ick already being unconscious sounds appealing.  I was trying to limitit my Valium to 3 a week but under the current circumstances I’m upgrading to allowing myself to take up to 5 a week.  I’ll probably use at least 2 tomorrow.  Wednesday I see case manager. I’m sort of looking forward to it because it’s my chance to talk and get support but sort of worried because it will for surely be only the hour since I don’t have my normal time slot because it was taken.  Also I need to decide what to do about talking about things or not, so I’m still thinking about working through stuff but we will see if my confidence holds through till Wednesday.  Group might be canceled Thursday so that sort of sucks because there is one of my things I do. Um thats enough rambling.  I’ll get back to the comments and stuff later, sorry not up to it tonight 😦

Am I asking for too much?

25 Jun

I’m not suicidal. The voices are gone. I have friends. There are good things in my life. But I feel so empty and void. Mostly just lay in bed except to eat go to appts and hangout with friends sometimes. The self harm urges have been bad lately and the apathetic depression, but things have been much worse in the past. There has even been an improvement in the last few months but I still feel horrible. Am I asking for too much?
I was thinking about texting high school friend to see if she wanted to do dinner or something but I’m to afraid of disappointment. It seems distraction works best but the minute it’s over, I go back to this. I’m also lazy and haven’t got the motivation to distract myself. So I guess it’s my own fault. I got my toenails done fore San Francisco pride this weekend. I really hope I’m feeling better by then to enjoy it. I see my case manager in about an hour so hopefully that will help things.


The battle wages on

5 May


9am- I just want to give up.  I’ve been fighting this for nearly 2 decades.  I’m tired.  I’m losing hope.  I want to take something and just sleep.  It’s just the same thing over and over, with small breaks of okayness.  I’m not worth fighting for.  I could go on and on about all the bad things about me, why I don’t like me and why I think no one else does/should either.  About being sad and a burden, who would want to be around that?  Desiring connection, but too scared and hopeless to pursue anything.  Thinking about not signing up for summer classes, fading away and then when there is nothing to keep me anymore, I won’t have guilt.  I don’t even want to go to Disneyland, I think I will be let down and a waste of time and money and I’ll just feel bad.  I’m trying to hope and make plans and just hope these feelings go away; but I don’t believe it.  It’s hard to keep this up.  Losing hope and the motivation.  The depression gets bigger and stomps out what little hope is left.  The battle wages on.

3pm- Partial is over for the day.  I woke up not even wanting to go, thinking about how I wish I had their number so I could call and say I was sick.  Suicidal, hopeless, and feeling some sort of desperation.  I got up and went anyways, because that is what I do.  I will not give up half halfheartedly, when I am done I will be done.  As you can tell by my prior writing what sort of mind set I was in.  We mostly talked about communication today, I will post at least one resource a little later.  While my main issue right now is more with emotions than communication I got some hope out of today.  Like I mentioned prior I’ve been fighting this for 2 decades, so I have heard a lot of the same stuff.  A very common topic taught is assertiveness and I messages or I statements… the “I feel…  When you…. Because… And I want…” I swear nearly every program I have every been in has taught some form of this at least once.  The plus side was today we learned that was the “feelings oriented” version of the I statement and there is an “action oriented” version which is good to use for people who don’t care about your feelings.  While, like I said, I’m not struggling so much with communication it was refreshing to learn that I haven’t heard it all and it made me feel a little better.  Still extremely depressed but now there is a small reason to not give up and continue with treatment. A huge impulse right now is to cut off contact and support, which includes treatment and other things, so I could give up entirely and permanently without guilt; this was thwarted by the learning of “action oriented” I statements.  A small victory in the continuing war.  The battle wages on.

This is how I feel

11 Feb

It is difficult to describe depression and hopelessness and all the other symptoms of mental illness, but here is my attempt.

I feel like nothing matters, nothing is important, and there is nothing to live for. There is no point in doing anything. I’m a crazy, limited to what I can accomplish. And even more than that I don’t want to do anything, I don’t care to do anything, and I have no energy to do anything. I have dropped my classes, no one really knows yet other than a blogger friend. For the last three days I’ve spent the majority time in bed or bath, doing nothing. I reached out a little, yet feel nothing from it. It is unfair and unjust that I have to live. I don’t call this living, maybe surviving or existing. I am mostly in an apathetic mood, which is slightly better than being so hopeless all you do is bawl hysterically. Though been there too many times in the last weeks and months. A numb sort of existence with no energy or motivation to do anything, including ending the pain. My brain has some what accepted this is my life, a passive acceptance where I have no part to play anymore. If I can’t improve, why try. I will most likely disappear tomorrow, a message my case manager wrote in response to something I wrote her “see you Wednesday, if you’re not in the ER first” or something to that effect. And I don’t care, no motivation to get out. No school to return to, no work to return to, no life to return to. There is nothing. Yet I know under the surface a storm is about to erupt, I can’t control it and know nothing other than its brewing. My first true psychotic break was around Valentines day, wonder if that’s what’s coming. I don’t even care.