Tag Archives: moving out

At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

It’s happening

11 Oct

It’s happening… I knew it would.  I’ve been falling into slumps on Sunday but so far have been managing to pull myself out of them.  This week it continued on Monday when I locked my keys in my apartment, was dismissed by my primary physician, and had 3 of my roommates go out to dinner w/o even saying anything to me.  I went to bed disappointed and woke up fully depressed.  I didn’t go to my first two classes today and just laid in bed and cried, no one notices here.  No one to push me out like at home.  I got up for the last one because she lectures so much and I just can’t miss that class.  It’s good I went we talked about the topic I’m writing my paper on.  It’s the 4th week, although I’ve been to many club and group meetings I’ve made no friends.  Two of my roommates talk to me sometimes, but I need to make the effort and I think they just don’t want to be rude and ignore me.  I like my classes and I’m busy with them and attending clubs but it’s like I thought, I haven’t made any friends.  I miss 20 somethings friend and I’m thinking about asking him if it’s okay if I go down their for my birthday weekend- my family will be gone anyways.  I spend time with them on the weekend or at planner events.  Hopefully this is just an off couple of days

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me.  I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years.  With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years.  My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three.  I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate.  I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt.  Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future.  I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses.  But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

SPD and moving away

24 Sep

When I talk about my diagnoses, I always say my primary are schizoaffective and BPD because they affect my life the most my other two currently diagnosed are PTSD and SPD.  Most people don’t even know what SPD is and although I meet all the criteria for PTSD we don’t know my trauma, weird much.

 

Moving out of my parents house for the first time at age 33 has set off some sensory issues this week.  I took a shower for the first time in nearly two years.  I HATE SHOWERS! One of my sensory issues revolves around my hands getting wet, and wet hands touching things, at home I had a bath tub.  While in inpatient setting I was forced to take a shower so it is not like I have never taken a shower before but the longest I’ve been there is 13 days.  I will live in this place a year.  In a week period I got away with taking one shower and driving home to take one bath, but I know this is not a long term solution.  My hair was very dirty.  I can’t use dry shampoo because the smell also bothers me.  I got use to washing my hair in the bath tub with my hands so I assume I will get use to showers but man this is torture at first.  Lil sis has some sensory issues too, but is anti-psychiatry and thus undiagnosed and I am unsure if she meets criteria but gave me the tip of bringing a gym towel in the shower with me to wrap my hands in and keep them dry until I need to wash my hair then throw it out quick and wash my hair.  That won’t help issues like water pressure but it’s a start.

 

Last night I went to an event with my roommates on campus, I ended up taking a separate car because I wasn’t done with dinner by the time they left.  I kinda already feel a little left out by them, but maybe it’s my paranoia.  I was good for the first hour and a half and then the live band music got too loud for my sensory issues and I had to leave.  I felt lame and embarrassed.  I don’t really know how to explain it to my roommates, if I should, and this is really just the tip of the iceberg in regards to my mental illness.  All 5 of my roommates are either psychology or sociology students and one is taking abnormal psych this semester.  I mentioned my sensory processing disorder early on and of course no one knew what it was in adults.  When I described it was a common co-occuring disorder in children with autism like kids who have difficulties with certain textures of clothes and have tags cut off t-shirts a couple nodded. It was very simple.  So it’s not like they have no introduction.

Somewhere between anxiety and panic

16 Sep

I hadn’t thought about the ASD evaluation in awhile because right on it’s heels followed the gender issues. I was very upset that I didn’t get an autistic spectrum diagnosis pretty much because I didn’t meet all the symptoms when I was young and I was a helpful child; although I doubt my mom through in her drinking problem. But I was even helpful before then. It seems all my symptoms appeared in my teenage years and though they impair my functioning mostly social and like regular things since I wasn’t showing symptoms since a baby I’m not autistic. The evaluator said I should be happy, I think he’s an asshole. I’ve never prossessed how I really felt about it because of gender stuff pushing to the center. But when your body and mind don’t work like most of societies it’s hard.
Most the research in ASD is in children. I think that eventually there will be a delayed diagnosis or adult diagnosis ASD. Just like when society thought kids couldn’t have mood disorders and adults would grow out of their attention disorders. 
If any of my followers are on the spectrum or with mental illness in general. How do you cope with big transitions like moving out? Responsible for all your adult daily activities now (shower, teeth brushing, cooking, cleaning)? And scariest socializing?

A Whole Lot of Stuff

8 May

Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:

NAMI 2016 Team

Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs.  It rained so it was a good turnout of my 31 people registered.  I met my fund raising goal of $1,500.  The highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.

goal met!

My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation  is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended.  Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends.  I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender).  I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going.  I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.

I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing.  My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.

Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.

Hope

27 Apr


This is a picture of my team shirt for the NAMI Walk this year. I have the green mental illness awareness ribbon with hope written inside. I’m finally seeing a lot of hope in my life. Over a year and a half without a hospitalization. Transferring to UC Davis in the fall and moving out. Getting accepted to all the other colleges I applied to was validation and definitely help my self esteem. I’m growing up and seeing a future. There is hope. 

Realizations, questions, and progress

8 Sep

So I had DBT tonight and we were talking about assertiveness within the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness.  This is where I dropped out years ago, so I don’t know a lot about Interpersonal effectiveness.  I’m not an assertive person, mostly passive sometimes passive aggressive.  We learned some acronyms depending on what your priority is in the interaction.  I’ll do a separate post on that later.  I’m not a good communicator.  Tonight I kinda figured out why, I asked how to be assertive and use the DEAR MAN skills with someone who can be super aggressive and verbally attacking you.  They pretty much said you can’t, I told them how I maneuver around it using my sister as a mediator.  They said that was effective and skillful and I should take credit for it.  I was surprised.  So one parent can be verbally abusive/aggressive and the other is kinda on her own planet/neglectful- this was especially true growing up it’s a little better now.  No wonder I never learned to communicate, I was kind of in impossible situations.  Now I can try it but with more receptive people and maybe some with my parents if they are willing to engage.

I had an academic advising appointment this morning, two actually but the second got canceled due to jury duty.  I theoretically could transfer to a four year university in Fall 2016.  Am I ready?  I don’t know, I feel like I’d need to do some serious work to be ready in a year, but do I really want to waste an extra year when everything’s already completed?  Just to be safe?  Will I get complacent and never go?  Is the time now?  Am I stable enough?  What about moving and insurance and medication and therapy?  Can I line that up in a year?  I’m considering it, any readers opinions or tips would be awesome.

The side voices were episodic voices they mostly had to do with suicidal and homicidal things, a specific trigger was school shootings (no idea why).  Since being on Latuda there have been a couple school shooting and no re-emergence of the voices.  I was hesitant and you never really know when they’ll show up.  But I was happy a usual trigger wasn’t applicable anymore.  Last Thursday there was a shooting on one of the campuses I attend, I attend my classes Monday and Wednesday though.  Full lockdown, one dead, 2 more injured, and they still haven’t caught the other person involved.  Turns out they all knew each other and the 3 victims were students leaving their classes.  So it happened on campus and wasn’t planned.  But still no voices!!! I’m stoked and now think that they may never return.  That’s progress!

I’m really bored and that’s a trigger

23 Jul

I’m bored today/tonight.  Usually I have 20 something’s group but I’ve been feeling so sensitive lately that I decided not to go tonight.  I haven’t made an infinite plan for the future about what to do about group.  But, sadly I can’t handle the left out feeling I get almost every night after we go out after the technical group is over.  I know I should be more mature and this is a me problem.  But it sucks when you feel alone or out of place most everywhere and then you find a group that’s suppose to be inclusive and you feel this way.  I’ll probably start going again, next week or the week after, but just not hanging out afterward.  I thought I made some real friends in that group but it’s looking like more of them were just a surface level friendship and I need to take that or not.

I also de-activated my Facebook for the same reason of feeling like I’m left out.  I don’t know how more to make it apparent I want to be invited places other than just inviting myself, which I won’t do.  People pretend to be like … “oh I’ll let you know” and then never do.  One girl was always like that, if you don’t want to invite me fine but don’t lie about it.  I know I don’t drink and am out of the typical age range so may be I’m just not a good fit.  The LGBT center that puts on this group has a Tuesday Night Ladies Night Out group, so maybe I will try that after I finish DBT.  It just seems so unfair and so much work with having to re-establish yourself and make it into a social circle, especially when you got issues.  Or a meet up group or something.  Now I kind of realize how important people are and how I desire that connection, even though I have hella high standards and walls to break through.  At least I know it.

Now since I know moving out with the girl from 20 somethings group won’t work I’m sort of upset.  I’m trying to re-frame it, maybe I’d like to get a small house in the area so I could be close to my family but still have some independence.  Not sure if I could handle living alone though.  I feel so lonely as it is, and it’s a tough time of the year because I don’t have school to occupy me.  Speaking of school they called and said I need to a education plan or a hold will be put on my registration.  What if I still am not really sure what I want to do?  Back to living alone, I just see myself losing motivation, not getting out of bed, and kinda falling off the planet.  I know I lean that way a lot even living with my parents.  But usually I make some sort of effort, like texting someone or trying to set up a walk with my sister or something.  I wonder if I could withstand that while living alone and really do it for myself.  I’m not sure yet, so I don’t want to take that step yet.

Choices

21 Jul

i decided to get some more Latuda that I had run out of and its a good thing I did. Turns out my online order still hasn’t been processed or shipped. I guess they are not allowing shipment of Latuda because it’s too expensive. I guess that’s why viibryd won’t ship either. Here’s the receipts:


I’m dropping off 20 somethings group slowly. I deleted my fb account with my friends and am only keeping the one tied to my blog. I need to be aware of my triggers, especially when not on all my Meds. Unfortunately this little go has had me realize I won’t be able to move out with the girl from group.