Tag Archives: mental illness

Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  ūüė¶  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

30 Jan

Feeling down. ¬†Was feeling productive even good this morning. ¬†Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. ¬†Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. ¬†Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. ¬†My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. ¬†It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.

Somewhere between anxiety and panic

16 Sep

I hadn’t thought about the ASD evaluation in awhile because right on it’s heels followed the gender issues. I was very upset that I didn’t get an autistic spectrum diagnosis pretty much because I didn’t meet all the symptoms when I was young and I was a helpful child; although I doubt my mom through in her drinking problem. But I was even helpful before then. It seems all my symptoms appeared in my teenage years and though they impair my functioning mostly social and like regular things since I wasn’t showing symptoms since a baby I’m not autistic. The evaluator said I should be happy, I think he’s an asshole. I’ve never prossessed how I really felt about it because of gender stuff pushing to the center. But when your body and mind don’t work like most of societies it’s hard.
Most the research in ASD is in children. I think that eventually there will be a delayed diagnosis or adult diagnosis ASD. Just like when society thought kids couldn’t have mood disorders and adults would grow out of their attention disorders. 
If any of my followers are on the spectrum or with mental illness in general. How do you cope with big transitions like moving out? Responsible for all your adult daily activities now (shower, teeth brushing, cooking, cleaning)? And scariest socializing?

Poem: You don’t see inside me

30 Jul

You don’t see inside me

The pain and confusion

The questions and doubts I have

Me trying to keep it together


You don’t see inside me

I hate who I am

But I have to be this for now

So i push and push

I push it away

and do what I have to do

whatever that means


But you can only push so much

and then a crack shows

and you may catch a glimpse

But you don’t see inside me

I’m not even sure what’s there

That’s what happens when you push and push

I can’t see inside me.

Fundraising update

28 Apr

I have reached the $1,000 mark and have almost raised as much as I did last year, which was $1,065. My goal this year is $1,500 and I have a week left to reach my goal. I was hoping my sister and brother-in-law were going to have their garage sale before the NAMI Walk and they said they’d donate some of the money to my walk but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I’m still happy I raised at least one thousand. I would like to brag last years even if I don’t meet this years goal. My team this year will be much bigger about 30 people compared to 14 last year. So over all I’m doing well. If you’d like to help me reach my goal if greatly appreciate it, every little amount counts. 



27 Apr

This is a picture of my team shirt for the NAMI Walk this year. I have the green mental illness awareness ribbon with hope written inside. I’m finally seeing a lot of hope in my life. Over a year and a half without a hospitalization. Transferring to UC Davis in the fall and moving out. Getting accepted to all the other colleges I applied to was validation and definitely help my self esteem. I’m growing up and seeing a future. There is hope. 

Back up

11 Apr

It’s Monday. The cycle continues. Bouncing up during the week then down on the weekends. I need to get stuff done I wish I could get my mom going on helping me start the t-shirts. That’s really where I’m stuck at right now. That and fundraising. But it’ll all work out. Because I’m up and have no cares.


4 Apr

I think I pegged what is triggering these hypomanic episodes: the stress of trying to organize the social event of the NAMI Walk, along with the on going unknown of the ASD evaluation plus the grief of not being able to attend San Diego State University and it’s nearing the end of the semester. ¬†That’s enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

More on privilege, specifically economic

14 Mar

I wrote in my last over arching post about privilege about how I come from an upper class family, but it wasn’t always that was. Also if you remember or click black on the link you will see that privilege I a continuum, with extremes on each side. I’m not, and have never been at either extreme. 

We grew up in a working class family. My mom was a waitress and my dad was a service manager at an automotive repair shop. Our first house was a one bed room, one bath 5 acre lot up in the mountains that my family did an expansion on, with my grandparents. 

When I was about 5 my parents bought a gas station with an automotive repair station about an hour away from where we lived. My dad commuted to work for about 2 years before we moved to where I live now. 

Business was rough until I was late in elementary school. My parents were workaholics and the business wasn’t thriving like it was now. But we were doing okay, but nothing like the more extravagant life we live now. 

As the business did better and better, my dad began traveling more and more for fishing as they were self sufficient. It created a lot of family drama but that’s for another post. 

By high school we had grown to three fast stations and auto repairs. My dad was gone much more and my psych issues were peaking. The benefit of being economically well off was I was seeing a private therapist weekly me parents were paying for. I didn’t have to worry about treatment for my psych issues. I wasn’t able to work because my psych issues but my family could support me. And almost every time my dad went out of town/the country he would leave me money to do things with. 

I am very lucky in that I can afford treatment for my mental health issues because my current upper class standing. It’s a privilege that I try not to take for granted, especially when reading other people’s blogs and the struggles they have with insurance and paying for or receiving mental health treatment. 

And this post is just in regards to economic privilege along with mental health treatment. 

Check your Privilege

6 Mar

We spent the last week in Woman’s Studies talking about inequality and privilege. ¬†This was the one week I didn’t actually do the reading prior to discussion, so it was a bit interesting to me. She told us her story and then had us write down a list of our “privileges” whether they were more of a disadvantage or advantage. I set my sheet up in two columns and was just going through my life and adding things I thought appropriate to each column, some things I was born with or into, some changed in my life and some I didn’t even think or know about, because I hadn’t seen this handy little circle chart but here’s what I put:

Privilege advantages on left

Affluent aka upper middle class– Well my parents are and they are supporting me so I live an upper middle class lifestyle

White-color of my skin when I was born, real pale

American, been here long time- not a new immigrant, no accent, no one questions me

Speaks English– brought up to speak English, also understand Spanish, Italian , ASL & a little French but I’m praised for the English I put no effort into learning not the years of study for the others

I was able to work for a little bit- this is a privilege in-spite of my disability

Intelligence/learning comes easy- access to education, in college, educated

Privilege disadvantages on right

Dysfunctional family– my childhood was chaotic and I have not a clue how to raise a family because I never saw a good model but because they were so good at hiding it society thought we were a model family

Mental illness-severe mental illness starting at age 10 that has required all kinds of treatments including the highly stigmatized ECT “shock therapy” and hospitalizations

Gay– I finally came out at age 28 after battling a lot of homophobia in my family and in religion, not to mention living in a heterosexist society

Sexual assault– something not often talked about but it changes how you see the world and how you feel about your body and control over it

Personality clashes with parents– I think this is typical of most youngsters and now I’m not even sure why I put it on there. ¬† But I didn’t want this to be an “edit”

One privilege I see on the chart that I did not put on here because I hadn’t read it is age. I’m 33 and at community college it’s not too young or too old really, when I transfer in the fall though I think I’ll be on the disadvantage side because of my age being older than the typical state/UC college student.


Feedback in comment section would you like to read more on this topic?