Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
You don’t see inside me
The pain and confusion
The questions and doubts I have
Me trying to keep it together
You don’t see inside me
I hate who I am
But I have to be this for now
So i push and push
I push it away
and do what I have to do
whatever that means
But you can only push so much
and then a crack shows
and you may catch a glimpse
But you don’t see inside me
I’m not even sure what’s there
That’s what happens when you push and push
I can’t see inside me.
I have reached the $1,000 mark and have almost raised as much as I did last year, which was $1,065. My goal this year is $1,500 and I have a week left to reach my goal. I was hoping my sister and brother-in-law were going to have their garage sale before the NAMI Walk and they said they’d donate some of the money to my walk but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I’m still happy I raised at least one thousand. I would like to brag last years even if I don’t meet this years goal. My team this year will be much bigger about 30 people compared to 14 last year. So over all I’m doing well. If you’d like to help me reach my goal if greatly appreciate it, every little amount counts.
This is a picture of my team shirt for the NAMI Walk this year. I have the green mental illness awareness ribbon with hope written inside. I’m finally seeing a lot of hope in my life. Over a year and a half without a hospitalization. Transferring to UC Davis in the fall and moving out. Getting accepted to all the other colleges I applied to was validation and definitely help my self esteem. I’m growing up and seeing a future. There is hope.
It’s Monday. The cycle continues. Bouncing up during the week then down on the weekends. I need to get stuff done I wish I could get my mom going on helping me start the t-shirts. That’s really where I’m stuck at right now. That and fundraising. But it’ll all work out. Because I’m up and have no cares.
I wrote in my last over arching post about privilege about how I come from an upper class family, but it wasn’t always that was. Also if you remember or click black on the link you will see that privilege I a continuum, with extremes on each side. I’m not, and have never been at either extreme.
We grew up in a working class family. My mom was a waitress and my dad was a service manager at an automotive repair shop. Our first house was a one bed room, one bath 5 acre lot up in the mountains that my family did an expansion on, with my grandparents.
When I was about 5 my parents bought a gas station with an automotive repair station about an hour away from where we lived. My dad commuted to work for about 2 years before we moved to where I live now.
Business was rough until I was late in elementary school. My parents were workaholics and the business wasn’t thriving like it was now. But we were doing okay, but nothing like the more extravagant life we live now.
As the business did better and better, my dad began traveling more and more for fishing as they were self sufficient. It created a lot of family drama but that’s for another post.
By high school we had grown to three fast stations and auto repairs. My dad was gone much more and my psych issues were peaking. The benefit of being economically well off was I was seeing a private therapist weekly me parents were paying for. I didn’t have to worry about treatment for my psych issues. I wasn’t able to work because my psych issues but my family could support me. And almost every time my dad went out of town/the country he would leave me money to do things with.
I am very lucky in that I can afford treatment for my mental health issues because my current upper class standing. It’s a privilege that I try not to take for granted, especially when reading other people’s blogs and the struggles they have with insurance and paying for or receiving mental health treatment.
And this post is just in regards to economic privilege along with mental health treatment.
We spent the last week in Woman’s Studies talking about inequality and privilege. This was the one week I didn’t actually do the reading prior to discussion, so it was a bit interesting to me. She told us her story and then had us write down a list of our “privileges” whether they were more of a disadvantage or advantage. I set my sheet up in two columns and was just going through my life and adding things I thought appropriate to each column, some things I was born with or into, some changed in my life and some I didn’t even think or know about, because I hadn’t seen this handy little circle chart but here’s what I put:
Affluent aka upper middle class– Well my parents are and they are supporting me so I live an upper middle class lifestyle
White-color of my skin when I was born, real pale
American, been here long time- not a new immigrant, no accent, no one questions me
Speaks English– brought up to speak English, also understand Spanish, Italian , ASL & a little French but I’m praised for the English I put no effort into learning not the years of study for the others
I was able to work for a little bit- this is a privilege in-spite of my disability
Intelligence/learning comes easy- access to education, in college, educated
Privilege disadvantages on right
Dysfunctional family– my childhood was chaotic and I have not a clue how to raise a family because I never saw a good model but because they were so good at hiding it society thought we were a model family
Mental illness-severe mental illness starting at age 10 that has required all kinds of treatments including the highly stigmatized ECT “shock therapy” and hospitalizations
Gay– I finally came out at age 28 after battling a lot of homophobia in my family and in religion, not to mention living in a heterosexist society
Sexual assault– something not often talked about but it changes how you see the world and how you feel about your body and control over it
Personality clashes with parents– I think this is typical of most youngsters and now I’m not even sure why I put it on there. But I didn’t want this to be an “edit”
One privilege I see on the chart that I did not put on here because I hadn’t read it is age. I’m 33 and at community college it’s not too young or too old really, when I transfer in the fall though I think I’ll be on the disadvantage side because of my age being older than the typical state/UC college student.
Feedback in comment section would you like to read more on this topic?
“Because so long as this world isn’t made for us, I have to keep fighting for a better world.”
Content Note: Mentions of suicide, trans/homophobia, saneism
Nearly every day for the past five months, give or take, I’ve had a moment when I glance out the window onto my street and think to myself, “I was never supposed to be here.”
This feeling isn’t new to me – I’ve dealt with “survivor’s guilt” in some form for years now – but the feeling intensified when I moved to my new apartment.
You know, the apartment that I feel like I don’t deserve for some reason or another.
Here’s the honest truth: People like me? Mentally ill queer kids, the ones that get their homophobia or transphobia with a side of psychosis? The ones whose trauma isn’t just a meal but comes with an appetizer and a fucking dessert?
This world isn’t made for us.
How would I know that? I’ve lived it.
And I don’t think I would…
View original post 698 more words