Tag Archives: Memory loss

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

When all you want is answers…

2 Jun

I live a life of blurs and fuzziness, holes and gaps, confusion, chaos, and questions.  I am a person who is constantly looking inward, some would say I think too much.  I try to find patterns and clues to make sense out of a sometimes senseless life.  I know knowledge is power.  I am like this overall in my life but maybe a little too much in regards to mental health.  I look for reasons why I am the way I am (clues) and am constantly analyzing what is happening to prevent future problems and intervene early (patterns.)  Some people think some of the things I do are silly or superstitious: avoiding the freeway where I had 2 out of my 3 first visual hallucinations, counting months between hospitalizations to predict future ones, obsessing over past experiences.  But being introspective and aware can have benefits.  I’ve realized the majority of my hospitalizations take place in Fall and Spring, with the most common months being October and March.  Analyzing this pattern I have found that I can usually go about 6 months before a major breakdown and that the changing of the seasons effects me.  But what is the help in knowing when you are more likely to have a break down?

I limit unnecessary stress.  I tend to spend more time alone to re-charge and not to deplete myself of energy or get triggered.  If I feel something coming on, I am more likely to be assertive about needing more counseling or temporarily upping my medication.  I make loose plans that usually distract me, but loose enough to cancel without feeling guilty.  I make sure I have coping strategies in place.  I allow myself “mini-breakdowns” throughout the 6 months, when I can let off steam, cry, express emotions and not let it build up to extreme suicidality, inability to function, or psychosis all of which can lead to hospitalization.

Lately I have been analyzing or looking into my hallucinations history, mostly the voices.  Because of my poor memory I often ask others perspectives or knowledge to try to piece things together.  I did this the week before I went camping for Memorial Day.  I usually ask my sister because she was the one I was most open with (although I still kept a lot inside) and the one with the least biased opinions.  Anyways, the conversation evolved into possibilities of abuse in the past.  I’m not going to get into how it evolved into that.  So, many people have mentioned that they think I was sexually abused as a child.  Some are very adamant and direct with their thoughts others skirt around the issue by using more vague terms like “trauma” the word “abuse” in general or abuse “inappropriateness in my childhood” and the like.  There are a few symptom sets that these professionals have noticed that cause them to suspect or mention the possibility of sexual abuse, again I’m not going to go into them as some are very personal (I may later in a password protected post.)  I have also had it mentioned by others in my life, non-professionals that don’t know the extent of my mental issues and other things… friends and family.  Some people say it isn’t helpful to know specifics and really just to work on present symptoms or problems caused by past trauma.  And I get that to some degree… but personally it would be helpful to know what has contributed to the symptoms I have, sort of the missing links in the chain.  I also think possibly it would be overwhelming and if it did happen maybe I am not ready to deal with it yet and that is why there is so much mystery.  So since this topic came up with my sister and then later in the counseling session that week, those symptom sets have been more problematic.  I know this is a pattern when I don’t push the possibilities and doubts out of my head, the symptoms get worse.  I’m in a state right now where I can deal with them well enough to function okay and all that but it has me thinking should I just keep pushing it back because it’s problematic when I consider it or should I try to uncover what really happened.

You are not alone in this fight: My story

12 Dec

My name is Marci.  I am currently diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder bipolar type and Borderline Personality Disorder.  I just turned 30 last month.  My mental health issues started young, I don’t remember much of my chaotic childhood and adolescence.  I do remember at age 10, deciding that I was the cause of my families problems and arguments;  if I was gone everyone would be happy.  I tried to suffocate myself with a pillow and was upset and frustrated after waking up at not even being able to do that right.  I saw a therapist and had a psychiatrist at age 11.  I was on Trazadone to help with sleep problems and Imipramine to help combat depression, I was also on medication for Ulcerative Colitis.  The therapist situation didn’t last long, as soon as I started revealing the chaos at home.  I needed to go to the school nurse everyday at school to take medication.  I didn’t really have any friends and felt very alone.

At some point I stopped taking the medication until a relapse of depression when 15, back on medication and no option of therapy this time.  At some point in high school, I started self-harming, I experienced moods of hopelessness and depression and refused to shower or go to school, then I would be okay and hyper ready to do everything and anything.  My friends enjoyed the highs I had since I was so fun to be around and I either masked the lows or withdrew and they were okay with that.  No one knew about the self-harm or voices, that was just too weird.  Towards the end of high school my friendships ended and again I felt so alone.  I made one new friend but was put on independent study after refusing to go to school.

My first years of college just got worse and worse, no medication was working I was still acutely suicidal and self-harming (which was now known.)  My psychiatrist suggested ECT (shock therapy) and I had 82 treatments during two different time periods, I don’t remember much as memory loss is a common side effect of ECT.  I was okay for a little while, more likely just hypomanic.  I switched schools to a private Christian university where I lived in the dorms hoping for a new start, it seemed like high school all over again, the students enjoyed being around me when on my highs, yet disappeared when I experienced my lows.  The depressions were getting worse and my psychiatrist suggested VNS therapy which was a new treatment for treatment resistant depression, that involved surgery and a medical device implanted in me.  I was desperate and said go ahead.  I had the surgery and wish I could say it was effective, unfortunately it didn’t help and gave me health issues including asthma.  I had to finish school on incompletes, because of missing too much school because of the surgery and then a partial hospitalization program.

I had my first inpatient hospitalization after experiencing visual hallucinations and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2005 just two months after getting my first and only job, there would be many more hospitalizations to come.  My mom didn’t even come to visit, and it was like pulling teeth to get my dad to come.  Again I felt so alone, my family still struggles with accepting my illness.  I was able to hold the job for 3 years, despite leaves of absence for mental health reasons, hospitalizations, and dealing with most of my symptoms still.  The worst feeling was when my psychiatrist said I was to ill to work, and suggested disability,  I haven’t worked since.

I have been attending weekly therapy since 2003 and have been on a myriad of medication, over 30.  My diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was not revealed to me until 2007, though it was in my medical chart 2 years prior.  After 8 hospitalizations in two years I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder bipolar type, it was hard to accept it seems like I had the worst of everything: parts of schizophrenia, parts of bipolar, and a personality disorder.  Unable to work and essentially isolating myself, I feel into a deeper depression.  At least when I was bipolar, there were successful people with bipolar disorder and it didn’t seem so taboo.  Didn’t seem to matter where I went, I didn’t fit in; group therapies, hospitalization, partial programs, classes there weren’t any people with Schizoaffective Disorder and most people didn’t even know what it was.

In 2010, I started up a blog I needed to get everything that was going on with me out.  I used it to process things, as a place for venting, and to keep track of how I was doing.  Suddenly people started “following” my blog, I didn’t understand how anyone would want to hear my craziness and whining.  Some people had Borderline Personality Disorder, some Bipolar, some just found what I had to say interesting, and even a couple people had Schizoaffective Disorder.  Finally, I wasn’t alone anymore.  I realized that even though there aren’t many with Schizoaffective Disorder, I could relate to a lot of people with mental illness: I had experienced hospitalizations, hypomania, depression, self-harm, hallucinations, paranoia, delusions.  Suddenly what seemed terrible as having symptoms of everything allowed me to connect with others even if they only experienced pieces of what I did.  People were interested in my story, people left comments to encourage me and give advice.  I began helping out other bloggers as well: posting resources and information on different mental illnesses, commenting and giving advice as someone who has gone through similar things, even showing the positive sides of dealing with mental illness.  I was no longer alone in my fight, I had found a wonderful blogging community!

ECT and Memory Loss

17 Mar

It pisses me off that in order to do a new post on this site, I have to at least go back a few posts to see what I’ve already written and try not to repeat myself.  I really don’t like these memory issues.  I was vaguely talking about ECT at counseling yesterday and my case manager thinks it’s barbaric and should have been done away with a long time ago.  I don’t think it’s barbaric and I think maybe it works for some people it just didn’t work for me. It’s not like I was rallying for ECT, I HATE what it did to my memory but when you are desperate and someone tells you something might work you try it.  And even though it messed me up, if I got too nonfunctional again I would probably do it again.  I mean it’s not like there is much of any memory to wipe out anymore.  I was also talking about how my memory loss is, I don’t remember much of my childhood, bits and pieces really.  Nothing at all before age 7 or 8.  Sketchy in my teen years but that is probably what I remember best.  Nothing at all during ECT, which I’m not exactly sure even when it was or for how long.  Very little for the years afterwards.  Then the last 5 or so years have larger chunks of memory but still quite a few gaps.  I am better now at saying something and being able to catch myself that I think I may have mentioned it before, sometimes it comes right when I open my mouth others when I’m nearly done with what I have to say.  I’m not sure all my memory loss is ECT related, there is a good part of it that I ‘choose’ not to remember because it was traumatic or I wasn’t functioning well enough to store anything really.  But there are big parts that I don’t understand… like why I have absolutely no memories before 7 and so little in elementary school.  I can justify the time around ECT and the last 5 or so years since there was so much going on.  It bothers me quite a bit but I try not to complain too much, because people say I chose to have the ECT (which of course I don’t remember.)

Today me and my dad were walking over to my sisters house which is around the block.  My grandma sort of gave the house to my sister as a wedding gift so she lived there when I was in junior high school up until a few years ago.  My dad was reminiscing about sometime that he was having a race on rollerblades with one of my sisters to my (then) grandma’s house and fell and hurt himself.  Of course no memories, I didn’t even know my dad had rollerblades.  The fact that I’m paranoid doesn’t really help with the memory issues.  I feel like I have to rely on other people’s accounts of what has happened, how I felt or reacted and such.  I often think my family edits what they tell me, sugar coats it, and sometimes straight up makes up lies.  I don’t like how my family knows they can just write off my interpretation of something “because she doesn’t remember why or the ECT messed it up.”  Anyways, there is my rant on ECT.  I have more to say about different subjects but will post them seperately so people who don’t want to read about specific subjects don’t have to.  Also so I don’t have so many tags.

A much needed update, DBT Skills, and NAMI article

15 Mar

I haven’t really done an actual “update” all week, as I felt I needed to post about the article I read the other day and the home prejudice environment.  So here is a summary of how the last week has been…

Monday:  Monday I had a counseling appointment.  I brought my sister because she has been wanting to meet my case manager and my case manager has wanted to meet her as well as other members of the family.  She was the most likely to come and not make me look like a fool.  I was really anxious all morning and the night before.  My sister said I was “acting weird” during the appointment and that my reason was “so it would be hard to read my emotions.”  I do act the way I did on Monday a lot but not as severe.  My sister was only there for part of the appointment as she needed to get to work for a meeting.  I was trying to think of what was different this Monday as opposed to other appointments.  This is what I came up with: my case manager and my sister are the two people that I trust and the two that know the most about me.  They may know more about me than I know about myself.  My issues is I have the memory issues that make me forget who I have said what to and when and all that stuff.  Often I repeat something to someone thinking I haven’t told them, or someone says something to me that I don’t remember telling them.  Obviously there is no way I have told the two the exactly same things in the exact same way.  I guess I was just anxious about one telling the other things they may not already know, that I must have not mentioned for some reason.  Also they are the two I care most about the opinions and advice and feedback I get from.  with my paranoia that people get together and talk about me trying to influence me is different because now they have actually met each other.  Before it was easier to say I’m just being paranoid, they don’t even know each other.

Tue:  Tuesday I had DBT in the morning.  The leader was in a rush as this class was only going to be an hour as opposed to the normal hour and a half.  We talked about building positive experiences, pleasant activities, and opposite action.  I’m going to share some of the highlights I think from class.

The point of building positive experiences is to have something to look forward to every day  We talked about pleasant activities as far as short term goals and long term goals.  A short term goal to look forward to could be planning on baking if you like that, or going out to eat, or anything that can pretty much be accomplished in a day.  Long term goals are things to look forward to that will take some time, such as planning a vacation, looking forward to holidays, etc.  Another aspect of building positive emotions is to be mindful of them or be aware.  The part I thought was most important was to be unmindful of worries.  This is described as distracting from thinking about when the positive experience will end, thinking about whether you deserve this positive experience, and/or thinking about how much more might be expected of you now.  Personally when I am having positive experiences I often do these things, especially thinking or worrying about when it’s going to end.  Sometimes so much that I’m missing out on the positive experience.

With opposite action the handout focused on four main emotions and how to deal with an opposite action from each.  I’m going to pretty much copy the handout word for word.  The first emotion is fear.  Oposite actions include: do what it is your afraid of over and over and over (often caalled exposure therapy when dealing with anxieties or phobias); approaching events, places, tasks, activities and people you are afraid of (very similar to the first one); do things that give you a sense of control and mastery (do things you are good at to build confidence); and then overwhelmed make a list of small steps or tasks you can do and do the first thing on the list.  Next emotion is guilt and shame, there are two ways to do opposite action and they depend on whether the emotion is justified or not.  If the emotion is justified (or fits in with your wise mind values) repair the transgression, apologize, do something nice for the person you offended; commit to avoiding the mistake in the future, and to accept the consequences gracefully and then let it go.  When the emotion is not justified you need to do what makes you feel guily of ashamed over and over and over (like fear) and to approach and not avoid.  The next emotions are sadness or depression.  There are two opposite actions: to get active, approach, and not to avoid (do what you don’t want to do and you will most likely feel better about at least doing it) and to do things that make you feel competent and self-confident (which also helps with self-esteem.)  The last emotion is anger.  The opposite actions are to gently avoid the person with whom you are angry, rather than attacking, to avoid ruminating.  The other opposite action is to do something nice rather than mean or attacking (similar to guilt and shame that is justified.)

The rest of Tuesday.  Tuesday in ASL 4 we were suppose to present our song to the class, a few things happened where she had changed it to where you could present in groups instead of in front of the class.  A few students complained as they had been practicing all weekend and students started presenting in front of the class even though it was not required.  About 8-10 students presented, including me!  I decided to go up there because it would fit with my goal of doing something outside my comfort zone.  We now need to do a video project of the song so I just need to tape it, this is mainly because she didn’t see most the class’ because they chose not to present.  Tuesday I spent the night at my sisters and helped her set up her new iPhone.

Wed:  I didn’t sleep well at my sister’s the night before so I slept a lot of Wednesday.  I went to math class where we got back the test we had taken Monday.  I got a 67 out of 67.  ^7 was the curve set my the top three scores which were 68 and two 67’s.  However, the average score for the class was in the 30’s.  It was a lot harder than the first test.  I checked my e-mail when I got home from class and say that I had recieved an e-mail from NAMI (www.nami.org) or the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill.  The e-mail was about their upcoming national confrence in seatle.  One of the speakers will be Marsha Linehan the founder of DBT.  There was a little interview in the article.  I’m going to pull this quote out of it, (I’m sorry I couldn’t find the link on the website)

NAMI:  You are the founder of DBT.  Can you explain, in a nutshellm what DBT is and how it is effective in treating BPD?

Linehan:  DBT is a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) originally designed for people who are highly suicidal- it began as an intervention to reduce suicide.  Because I was looking for all the people in the treatment to be highly suicidal, most of them ended up having BPD, because suicide risk is a common symptom with that illness.  In reality, DBT is a treatment for high risk, severe, multi-diagnostic individuals.

The treatment itself is based on the theory that BPD and suicide are problems due to the inability to regulate emotions.  You can’t regulate unhappiness.  It’s a skills-based model of treatment- the person needs help, they need to know how to build a life worth living, how to solve problems of low motivation, learning how to mobilize themselves.  That takes skill.  There are specific skills- building protocols: mindfulness, emotion-regulation skills, distress-tolerance skills and intrapersonal skills.

The bottom line of the treatment is based on the notion that therapy had to address the enhancement of skills in modifying and getting out of toxic environments while at the same time keeping therapists motivated and skilled.

DBT Skills and other tid bits from Today

6 Mar

Ok I just had something that annoyed the hell out of me so let me post it first.  Calm down and then talk about what I learned in DBT today.  So I’ve mentioned about my social anxiety and how I don’t have many friends before.  My last few years/months? of high school were rough.  I honestly don’t remember much but I went to independent study, after refusing to go to school my senior year so I take that as evidence there were some problems.  In 2010, I had a Halloween party in an attempt at some kind of peace making/reunion/see what people were up to now.  Also to see if I could handle it.  Most of my old high school friends are “friends” on facebook, so I sort of know what is going on with them.  Some of them started a book club, I like to read so I thought I’d ask to join.  Pretty much read a book a month and then get together the next month to talk about it.  Today the date to meet in March to discus the February book was set.  I was reading the update to my dad, he is always on me about being proactive and making friends and all.  He just made smart remarks that make me not even want to go now, and as often he made me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.  The date may conflict with a potential Disney trip that I think probably won’t happen.  First thing he mentions is the date conflicting.  Then I talk about where we are meeting, which is a restaurant I go to a lot.  I commented about going there a lot, mostly because I didn’t want it to seem weird when I go in and the servers are calling me by name.  My dad’s response, don’t sound like your bragging.  Sorry dad, I guess I can still never do anything right.

Ok rant over.  I had sign class today and went we are working on translating and signing songs.  Last session school friend didn’t go and I fared pretty well by myself, I was proud of myself.  Today we did a different song she was there.  The point is you are normally about 10 seconds behind the lyrics to translate and you should never sign the lyrics before they are sung out loud.  Most the class was having difficulty with the timing and wanted to sign the words in key with the lyrics and the beat.  I was pretty good about keeping the gap.  School friend even commented on it.  I guess there is a benefit to hearing voices so much.  The non mean ones that just chatter endlessly, I have learned to block out for the most part.  When  signing I could block out what I was hearing (currently) and focus on what was just sang to sign it in the correct time.

Now to my most important part.  DBT Skills Class update.  I did not go to class last week, I was having a terrible day, it was canceled the week before that and the week before that was valentines day and I also didn’t go.  Today the hand out was on “Guidelines for Accepting Reality” it talked about different breathing excercises which I just set aside since it isn’t my thing and doesn’t really work for me.  There was a section called “More on breathing with feelings”, I just took the feeling part and applied it to the area of Emotional Regulation.  Here are the keys then I’ll explain a little more.  So the italics are notes that came from the leader or questions or statements posed by people in the class.  The one’s with the bullets and the bolded words are directly from a sheet from a DBT training manual.  The words emotions and or emotional mind can be interchanged with thoughts or rational mind.  In class we just focused on emotions more since that’s what most people have problems with.

Experience your Emotion

  • As a WAVE, coming and going
  • Try not to BLOCK emotions
  • Try not to SUPPRESS emotions
  • Don’t try to GET RID of emotions
  • Don’t PUSH it away
  • Don’t HOLD ON to it
  • Don’t AMPLIFY it
Emotions will wait and come back at inappropriate times.  The emotion that resurfaces is not always the initial emotion.  This is referring to trying to block, suppress, get rid of, or push away emotions.
The longer you can tolerate the emotions at the peak, the less powerful they will be in the future.
When can you push the emotion away?  You should saty as long as you can with the emotion and then get the skills to stay as long as the emotion lasts.
The waves will come, peak, and then dissipate but they always return later.  
Most time you will only stay at the peaked emotion for 20 minutes or so.

Remember: You are not your emotion

  • Do not necessarily ACT on emotion.  Emotions are real but not reality.
  • Remember times when you have felt DIFFERENTLY.

Practice Accepting your Emotions

  • Don’t JUDGE your emotions
  • Practice WILLINGNESS
  • Radically ACCEPT your Emotion.

Allowing emotions to be, or just experiencing them.

A few other points:

Whatever your goal is you will need to switch behaviors and make choices that will often be a lot of work, so you need to be committed to the goal whatever it is.

Most people have different people they go to when a situation occurs.  Our leader talked about an example of a bad date and how she could call her sister or her friend.  Her sister would be the one who would hold her more accountable, asking what her part was in the situation or why he acted the way he did.  Where her friend would be more of the validating type of person that would side with her and not ask too many questions.  She talked about how she much rather talks to the friend because that will be the response she wants to hear.  I asked about the two different types of people as it seemed she ways saying the ones that hold you accountable are better.  She said you need a balance as with anything.  Sometimes you need to hear that all guys are jerks rather than you did something that pissed him off and he had a right to act the way he did.

If you won’t shut up…

4 Mar

My mind is going a million miles an hour right now.  I don’t understand how people can tell you not to worry, to stop over-analyzing things, to quiet your mind, or any other way of distracting.  Some times it just isn’t possible.  It’s only 3:45pm or otherwise I would take some Nyquil and knock myself out.  I tried laying in bed it just made matters worse.  I just got back from my lil sis’ house in Lake Tahoe, we (dad and me) drove a different way home because we had to drop her off at a ski resort.  The different way home had us drive by the home where I lived until I was 7 or so.  We still own the house and go up there from time to time but it gets me depressed and overwhelmed with emotions so I am always trying to get out of going.  It’s been suggested that my brain relates it to certain memories, although I don’t really have the memories other than I was told they happened and I believe it.  Anyways, my mom always wants to go there and I’m always making excuses.  This weekend just dad and I went to lil sis’s house because mom was still sick, but I can hear her trying to use that against me already: that I’d go to her house and not our old house, they’re both in the snow, both in the mountains, what could be so different….  When in actuality I didn’t really want to go to lil sis’ house either.  I mainly did it because I feel guilty because she always comes to us and I knew she would enjoy it.  Moving on.  This morning we went to the casino to get a Cinnabon and to gamble a little, I was nervous since I didn’t have my ID.  I’m 29 but still almost always get carded.  I ended up winning about $50 and then we went to breakfast.  We went back to her house, I slept for a bit and then we drove home.  The drive was about 2 and 1/2 hours, I guess that’s when the thoughts started to become over powering.  I was trying to think of what I could do when I got home so it doesn’t get too bad and to give myself a little relief.  I got on my computer and did my Facebook/Farmville and went through my e-mail to delete all the e-mails I had already read on my iPad.  It keeps them in there until I delete from the actual website for some reason.  I tried to do a post on my Versatile Blogger Award and go to overwhelmed and went in my bed to lay down.  Looking at the time I decided I didn’t want to torture myself for hours until I could get to sleep.  Not only is the thoughts going crazy but there are little surges and spikes of emotions; for the most part today I’ve been in between a flat and slight bad mood but I’m getting surges and spikes of all different types of emotions, mostly uncomfortable ones.  I just finished a book this weekend that I had been reading for weeks.  The book is a biography on the artist Vincent Van Gogh.  I knew he was nuts and cut off his own ear but that’s about it so I thought I’d read it, the eBook was 1500 pages!  Anyways just of the story is that he is sort of the black sheep of the family, frequently angry, awkward, and financially dependent on his younger brother.  The combination of those traits literally drives him crazy, mostly through guilt and shame of how he has effected his family.  That is the reason that he cuts off his ear, is that he thinks he needs to be punished for these sins against his family.  I was partly thinking about that when we were driving home.  On my evaluations I am asked to fill out every time I see the psychiatrist there is a question that says “I feel like I am a burden or let down to my family” and you check the never, a few days, some days, or nearly every day.  That one always gets the 3 (nearly every day.)  I am financially dependent on my family, I’m afraid I will never be able to make it on my own.  I’m just dependent on my family in general not just financially.  My case manager was talking about how each time the issues of independence come up I spiral down and something about the cycle.  I don’t think I can make it on my own but I hate being here.  I feel like I owe them everything and at the same time I owe them nothing.  I feel guilt and they know how to manipulate that.  I think I’m going to stop rambling now and go read my blog subscriptions that should have just been delivered a few minutes ago.  May be back better.

30 Days of Truth- Day 22

20 Jan

Master List

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life…

I believe that everything happens for a reason and that if you go back and change one event there will be a domino effect.  However, if I could undo one thing without that happening it would be having my ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) aka shock therapy.  The reason being that it messed up my memory, even to the point where I’m not sure if it was even effective.

The rest of Thursday…

9 Dec

After I had written yesterday about trying to lay down and listening to the music I threw up.  I ended up writing my case manager a message and then had an appointment at 6:30pm.  I was able to do my video except that the camera turned itself off 4 times!! >: l

I took my final and I thought I did well.  I ended up going over on my session for about 1/2 hour.  I realized sometimes I need to get my emotions out instead of just trying to keep closing things down.  She mentioned that the way people are able to hurt others is because they don’t have an emotional attachment/reaction to it.  I was thinking and most times I cut, I’m in an unemotional dead kind of state and even most times I don’t care much for myself.  I still had my regular session today at 11:30am, it was real chill since I had so much yesterday.  I mentioned stuff I was going to say eventually but gave the excuse that I didn’t want to open anything up before my mexico trip.  I hope this week is better than last.

Sorry more happened and this is a crappy update but all for now.

A Contradictory day

2 Dec

2:30am Woke up after only 3 hours of sleep

4:30am Finally got out of bed because I was not falling back asleep

4:30-5:30am Hotmail, Facebook, and Farmville

5:30-8:30am Work on Christmas gifts for family

9am Voices start screaming

11:30 am Voice finally stop

12pm Phone appointment with case manager

1-4:30pm Lunch and Ice cream with mom

4:30pm Read email, Facebook, Farmville, look into hotels for mexico

7pm Blog

Rest of the night- Christmas shopping and wrapping, work on scrapbook, probably some more computer, and who knows.

 

I use to never sleep more than 4 hours a night I would sleep and wake in 2-4hour shifts throughout the day. Lately (fingers crossed) I’ve been sleeping a lot better.  I still wake up insanely early but go to bed between 7-9pm.  Last night I went to bed at 11:30pm, I was up working on Christmas presents.  I woke up around normal time (2:30am) but couldn’t get back to sleep.  After working on Christmas presents that involved finding some old pictures and writing childhood memories (of which I have few, and wouldn’t want to express in a Christmas gift) I got triggered.  I had to ask my parents a lot of questions as I wanted what I wrote and how I labeled pictures to be accurate.  This got me going on how I “see things” what I remember, what I suspect, and how I feel/felt about things.  which all are easy to be labeled “wrong” since I don’t have much memory to back it up and so much self-doubt and little confidence that I am constantly questioning if I have things accurate, if this even happened, why the hell would I make it up if it hasn’t happened, etc…  So I got the words “wrong” and “bad” screamed at me for about 2 hours.  I put on music to try to block part out, went in bed with the lights off so I wouldn’t be bothered, obviously I couldn’t sleep.  These things often happen when I haven’t slept well or don’t have the energy to fight it off.  I was freaking out because I knew about the phone appointment at noon and how would I explain what was going on, should I explain it, would she be able to tell something was going on.  I forgot to mention I had scratched my leg with my fingernails earlier to get some sort of relief, but I have no nails and it didn’t do much.  I told her what had been going on in the morning, a little bit about the triggers and direct things said to me and the scratching.  I was surprised that she thought I did a good job, I deal with situations like this in varying degrees quite a bit so it is different having an ‘outside’ opinion.  Its something I have to do, I don’t feel I have much of a choice just sometimes it’s dealt with better than others.    I guess it is almost ‘normal’ to deal with things like this for me and why it is difficult it isn’t something you normally talk about with people nor get any support or recognition for making it through mornings like todays.  I went to lunch with my mom afterward she took me to my favorite spot and then to ice cream.  the trip between lunch and ice cream took over 45 minutes because she wanted to take a ‘shortcut’ because of the traffic, worst part was I had to pee the whole time, we kept catching the red lights and it took us a longer route to get there.  I got home and went on the computer which I had only done early in the morning before all the shennanigans had started.  I got it all ready, read through my blog subscriptions, looked into a hotel for the Mexico trip, and checked out one of the freshly pressed sites on Christmas gifts for revenge, highly recommended.