Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried. So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital. I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms. I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday. My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol. I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again. My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe. I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone. My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in. Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down. Just 3 more weeks of school to get through. Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals. Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.
I’ve mentioned before my sleep was really fragmented and that part of that was taking the Viibryd at night which apparently has stimulant properties. Lately I’ve been following sleep hygiene/self soothing activities at night. I put my phone and computer away, take my night Meds, take a bubble bath, drink sleep easy tea, and read until I feel sleepy enough to get into bed. I’ve been hitting my target sleep of 8+ hours of sleep each night. Yay me!
I have 4 officially diagnosed mental illnesses all across the board with a variety of symptoms. Sometimes it’s hard to tell where something starts or ends and where I began, especially since I’ve been living with them for as long as I can remember. Today in my body fitness class we did fitness testing and as I predicted I did terrible, well in reality I did horrible and just predicted terrible. I couldn’t even finish the 3 minute step test, I couldn’t breathe and was getting dizzy. My body fat percent was over 40, my BMI was over 30, My flexibility, sit ups, and push ups were all in the very poor category for my age and gender. On the plus side I can only go up from here. I know my medication causes problems with my metabolism and my lack of activity doesn’t help, but it’s another thing I wonder how “physical healthy” can I be with all these mental illnesses and on psych meds. When I went to see my psychiatrist on last Thursday he made it clear even with the weight gain and a family history of heart disease we couldn’t change my meds. Also when I think about my limited sexual experience and sexual desire, how much is related to mental illness, side effects from meds, and just how I am naturally. I fear I will never know since all three have been and will be with me all my life.
When things are going well I don’t want to write as much. Part of it is superstition that I will “mess up” the good times.
So where did I leave off… I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and it went really WELL, I mentioned the need for something PRN or as needed when the voices get too much or my emotions get out of control, surprisingly he asked me what I wanted. Dr’s are funny ducks sometimes and they don’t like to be told what to do, so I was really surprised by this, I asked for Valium and he gave me a prescription of 20 of them. I was also really happy with this because in December and Late November I was having min-overdoses on anything I could get my hands on and this seems like a safe dose.
I also was talking about my weight and how I was trying to eat smarter and take an exercise class. I mentioned the history of heart disease and high cholesterol in my family. He suggested Topamax, which my sister has been trying to get me for years. I was on it earlier in my 20’s and lost a lot of weight on it, so I am very hopeful.
My psychiatrist said I sounded very excited about my future and he was proud of that. He said that medication and counseling could just set the stage and it was up to the patient to work on getting their life in order. I took it as a compliment and was actually able to say thank you.
I had a counseling appointment Friday and need to talk to my case manager about her availability for emergency appointments. She just changed roles within the psych department, she use to split her time (1/2 in child psych and 1/2 in adult case management) and now she is in adult case management and IOP along with Next Step, which I just found out about Friday. She has to drop a lot of her case load because of her availability with leading IOP and Next Step. Luckily she is keeping me. Last week, a small thing about the kids came up (Hard to Hear.) And I was debating if it was something I was wanting to take time and finally address. Unfortunately she says she won’t have a lot of time for emergency appointments and even suggested seeing someone else in case management (NO WAY!) So the topic will be put on the table even longer.
I was suppose to have a date Friday night that got called off last minute. Good thing I had just got the Valium that day! I took 2 and the next day it took a lot of convincing not to be difficult and self-sabotage the date out of defiance and anger. Look to the password protected post to see how the date went.
All of my school has officially started. I’m pretty excited about it, which is obviously a change from everyday life ?. I’ve woken up happy and anticipating the day a lot lately. Switching the Viibryd to the morning has really helped and I’m not getting day time sleepiness anymore. Last night I started to get down on myself because I didn’t eat very healthy yesterday, and then I thought about it and said to myself “you’ll do better tomorrow” that’s a big step. I’m thinking about going into some heavy stuff into counseling because I actually feel stable, but now that she has switched jobs I worry about getting emergency appointments if I need them. I also worry about if it will turn into a need for hospitalization. Yesterday was #BellLetsTalk day in Canada for mental health, I wrote a short status on my regular facebook, including the info that I had been hospitalized over a dozen times. I got a share and a comment, not the response I got when I first wrote about my diagnoses last year- but that status was short and people don’t usually read long status updates. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist today, I hope to get something PRN for the voices or when I get overwhelmed and can’t cope.
Next week I see my psychiatrist, I saw my case manager yesterday. I have switched my 40mg Viibryd to the morning (which apparently it says on the bottle) because it has stimulant like properties and that may be why my sleep is all messed up. It didn’t help yesterday. I went to bed around 9:30pm tired and woke up at 12:30am and was unable to get back to sleep till 2am. Then I was woken up by my dad wanting to face time the dog at 7:30am. I haven’t looked at my fitbit yet, to see if it accurately picked up my sleep.
I’ve gained about 50 pounds after starting the new medications in October. Granted I was about 10 pounds under my average weight then because unlike most people depression makes me not want to eat. I’ve taken off about 15, but have at least 15 more I want to lose. I’m not very active, but I never have been it’s a struggle to get 5,000 steps on my fitbit. I’ve been eating less but the weight loss seems to have plateaued. I’m also on my period this week, so no way I’m weighing in now. But I find when I’m bored and unmotivated (A LOT) I start rummaging through the fridge or decide to go out and get something to eat, the only other alternative is sleep.
I know I have stuff I can do: SMASH book, homework, research transferring, candy crush, duo lingo, reading, etc… but nothing has that pull other than eating or sleeping. I’m trying to go for a walk at least 5 times a week but today the temp was projected to be 108. Even with the walks with my sister I use range 5-6,000 steps and you’re suppose to have 10,000/day. It’s kinda depressing, but the meds seem to be working best so far; so I don’t want to stop, even though I kinda do if you know what I mean.
I wish I had the drive to do more than sleep and eat.
i decided to get some more Latuda that I had run out of and its a good thing I did. Turns out my online order still hasn’t been processed or shipped. I guess they are not allowing shipment of Latuda because it’s too expensive. I guess that’s why viibryd won’t ship either. Here’s the receipts:
I’m dropping off 20 somethings group slowly. I deleted my fb account with my friends and am only keeping the one tied to my blog. I need to be aware of my triggers, especially when not on all my Meds. Unfortunately this little go has had me realize I won’t be able to move out with the girl from group.