Tag Archives: manic

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

31 Days of BPD Challenge: Day 10

13 Jul

Master List

Day 10: What kind of impulsive decisions have you made?

  • Spending money, though it’s normally more of a manic decision… most of these are actually
  • Applying for the childcare job
  • Deciding to go to a private christian university and move away from home
  • Seeing how long I could drive on the freeway with my eyes closed (well that was just stupid and dangerous)

Appointment and week review

20 Jul

So I had a counseling appointment this afternoon.  Usually the first part is spent just kind of reviewing the week and then if something is bothering me or comes up during the “review” we work on that.  Today I was feeling fine and nothing was particularly bothering me which is a good thing on a counseling day so we could work on something upsetting and it wouldn’t be as bad since I’m not already upset, but today was nice it was more of a chill day.  My case manager likes to see that I actually have “good days” or “good moments.”  So I relayed the happenings of the last week since my counseling appointment last Wednesday and tried to figure out the patterns.  The highs of Thursday, Friday, Saturday; the crash of Sunday and Monday; the effort of turning around Tuesday; Wednesday being a good day but in my opinion not a high though she thought so; purposely making my Thursday a less busy relaxing day so I wouldn’t crash.  So she considered the Thursday-Saturday somewhat of a manic energy which is somewhat true since during those days I experiences quite a bit of manic or hypomanic symptoms.  We identified what they were: sleeping less, enjoying and initiating social contact, eating less, care-free type attitude where I have a higher tolerance for my family’s shenanigans, talking faster and more, finding my brain is working faster than my mouth and sometimes confusing words in jumbles since I can’t get them out fast enough, and willing to try new things.  She was wondering if there was triggering event this caused this mood, I explained their wasn’t and most times isn’t- the moods can last from a few hours to a few weeks.  If the mood lasts more than one day however there is always a crash afterwards.  The crash was Sunday and Monday in my opinion part of Tuesday.  Sunday was mostly the physical fall out: sleeping/resting more 4-5 hours beyond the normal hours of sleep, exhausted/lethargic , not hungry and sometimes physical feelings such as nauseousness, dizziness, or faintness/weakness.  Monday the emotional fall out/crash came into play which you can probably see from my multiple hopeless posts on Monday these are: irritable and losing patience with my family, hopeless, suicidal, depressed, and sometimes anger/resentment of the crash.  Tuesday was when I was able to pick myself up in the evening you can see my post https://mm172001.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/bouncing-back/  Wednesday was a very good day but by being able to realize the patterns in earlier the week I knew I needed to rest the following day but not allow myself to fall back into depression by being idle and bored.  So she saw Thursday as a neutral day.  She thought I was kind of back to a high today but I explained it was more like Wednesday which she considered a high anyways.  She recognized and congratulated  me for my effort to pull out of the mood Tuesday and was glad I was able to see the patterns and the symptoms and explain to her so she could help figure it out; I was even able to say thank you.  She said there is so much happening in my house that varies from day to day it is often hard to see why my mood does what it does and sometimes even what that is exactly.  She also wanted to know the correlation of when my mom left, she is camping with lil sis and has been gone since Wednesday afternoon- I explained how her being there or not along with her mood didn’t effect this go around much.  It seems the Thursday-Saturday was purely mood based, I couldn’t find anything that prompted it and many things took place that normally would have brought me back down had I been in my more vulnerable borderline mood swings, and it just seemed to run it’s course then crash, the Sunday seems the mood depression with late Sunday to mid Tuesday being more of the borderline depression.  I have another appointment with my primary care physician on Monday, all others have been missed, canceled, or been in the hospital.  My case manger is big on self-care and this is an attempt to do that, I normally don’t like too go to the doctor especially not that I have these scars.  My case manager said she would give her a heads up about the scars and that she wanted her to check that the scars were healing properly along with my list of physical concerns I just tend to deal with.  I’ve had medical professionals not in the psych field talk down to me before regarding cuts or try to give me pep talks or reprimand me that’s why I’m hesitant- and that was before their were real scars like there are now.  I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday.  Last appointment which was towards the end of June he seemed concerned and said at the next appointment he would probably have to up the Seroquel or Desipramine or both.  But, my inpatient psychiatrist already did that; I’m not sure if it’s at the levels my regular psychiatrist wants it at but it seems to be taking the sting off the mood depression.  My case manager was “encouraging” me to talk to anyone I see regarding my psych health and let them know what is going on.  I explained I don’t trust people and am not big about it as I don’t even think he listens sometimes, I did say though if I needed to be hospitalized and sometimes for psychotic symptoms is the only real time I tell him what’s going on.  I should have thrown in that the appointments are also so short.  Since I have those appointments scheduled we made my appointment with her the next Monday, trying to stretch a little longer again, right now I feel okay about that not sure if that will stay consistent all week.  She figures I can talk to my psychiatrist if things are wrong, not likely to happen and I told her that.  But I’m still feeling positive.

Downward spiral

4 Jan

Just got back from an emergency counseling appointment, where my Geodon (anti-psychotic) got increased.  She wanted me to go to Partial or Crisis Residential, but I said no.  things have been spiraling out of control and she made a good point when she said I can’t even seem to keep it together for a week, I have weekly appointments.  Last week it was messages and welfare checks, the week before that I also had an emergency counseling appointment.  I don’t like to ask for help, I’m terrified of people being ‘busy’ being unable or unwilling to help.  Normally when I do things are pretty bad; so it was an accurate assessment.  Today was a day where I spent time trying to distract, not let painful thoughts or feelings come.  It didn’t work too well they built up and broke through.  I tried texting my sister back and forth for a bit but it wasn’t really helping.  I then spent some time crying, didn’t help.  I wrote a letter to my case manager.  It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore I can’t tell you exactly how far I would have gone because I don’t know.  I had gotten a razor blade and was ready to cut when the phone rang it was my case manager telling me to come in right now.  She normally writes messages back and doesn’t call so that was sort of weird.  She said I sounded manic-y or fearful or something she had never heard in my voice before.  I was thinking about how my dad wasn’t home and mom was asleep, she had just woken up before I left.  I don’t think it would have been smart to mention that it would probably take my mom 2 hours to figure out something had happened, she seemed worried to begin with.  I got my meds increased and am not supposed to make any big decisions and when things get crazy like this to get away from home.  I don’t know how much that will help, it seems home follows me wherever I go.  We talked a little about loneliness, sexuality, drama in religion, school, work- but mostly I just cried.  It seems there is nothing in life for me and I don’t see myself going anywhere- she says I have to be open to it; I don’t think that is entirely true although a definitive part of achieving something.  I have my regular appointment on Friday, wish me luck to make it there.  Eventually I’ll try to explain it all it’s just time and trust.

10 Day Challenge- 6 Places

28 Oct

6 Places

Not sure exactly what this entails, whether it is places you like, places you want to go…  So I’ll just name the place and why

1.  Australia, I went to Australia when I was going through ECT treatments.  I have pictures and some souviners from the trip but don’t remember a thing about being there or going.  I’d like to go again and have some memories to go with the vacation.

2.  Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth, I go to Disneyland at least once a year (this year for my birthday) and I love it, there is so much going on to distract you and I find it nearly to be impossible to be in a bad mood when there (unless it is hotter than hell and you are in an 80m min line wait at Splash mountain, but that was Disney world so it doesn’t count)

3. The bathroom.  Bathrooms have always been a place where I can go hide and collect myself.  It gives you privacy and no one knows what you are doing in there.  When I was working, the bathroom was the only place I could ‘get away’ from the kids.  I went in there to cry, take anxiety medicine, and once or twice cut; it got me through some of the toughest days.

4. Italy, I have always wanted to go to Italy, Europe in general but especially Italy, not really sure why.  Once in a manic state I bought Roseta Stone in Italian to learn it so I could travel there.  Cost $500 still have it and have learned  a minimal amount.

5. Sacra- This is what I call the place I go to when I dissociate.  Can’t tell you much about it other than it must be better than wherever I am if I’m dissociating to it.

6. My computer.  when I am on my computer it seems like I’m in a whole new place, whether it be reading blogs, playing farmville, writing, or just general web searching.  The computer is a place with endless possibilities that can take you almost anywhere you want to go.

Previous 10 Day Challenge

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Doing better…

23 Mar

I feel like I’m doing better today.  But I’ve been up since 2am doing different things including homework which isn’t much like me, I’m a total procrastinator.  I’m worried I’m getting hyper, hypomanic, manic whatever you want to call it.  I have IOP today and both classes tonight so I’m guaranteed busy from 1:30-8pm.  I think I should try to lay down now and see if I can de-energize but I tried that a little when I woke up and gave up after a few hours.  I’m also not hungry which is a sign I’m going up.  Honestly I don’t care too much right now I’ve been down for so long I’m liking the reprieve.  As long as the voices and all that stuff don’t start, I’m cool with it.  Although I was already talking to myself this morning for a while.  Oh and I was cleaning too (another bad sign) and I found Boo Boo 🙂