Tag Archives: lonely

Independence thoughts

10 Aug

About a week ago I moved out of student housing into a duplex.  I’m sharing the duplex with 2 of my roommates from student housing apartments but they are not moving in until Sept 20.  I like the independence but it’s also a bit lonely and I’m trying to get use to that without letting it send me into a depression or a series or a negative thought loop I can’t get out of.  A few times I’ve just had to leave.

Tonight I was laying in bed and able to stay in a neutral state for quite longer than I expected.  I have messaged some friends, but so far no one has responded.  They weren’t desperate messages and I’m not desperate and hope not to go there.  I have a mini list of things in my head to do to keep me from falling off the deep end.

I just wonder if I can do this for a month and a half?  If it will get easier, or what?

More on Autism

11 Apr

So I’ve mentioned before that both my case manager and the therapist wanted to have me evaluated to see if I fell on the Autistic Spectrum.  This was due to a variety of issues including my Sensory Processing Disorder, issues with eye contact, problems with socializing, and falling a lot.  With Kaiser’s evaluation system that took like 3 months to go through I was found not to have an ASD because I did not present symptoms as an infant, though I met enough criteria currently and had since a child.  This has been upsetting me a lot.  Transferring to UC Davis, I still haven’t made any connections and while I don’t need to have a lot of friends and to be honest am not interested in having a lot of friends, I would like to have one or two.  I never seem to say the right thing and I can’t figure out people.  My case manager went to a training about a week ago now and she said a lot of females on the spectrum are misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar because Autism is about not being able to control your emotions.  I have both.  She said if it’s any something she thinks I’m somewhere on the spectrum and that they need to train Kaiser doctors better.

I know several autistic young adults.  I found this on the internet the other day:

What do you think the most common cause of premature death is among adults of typical or high intelligence with autism spectrum disorders? It’s suicide.

A large study was recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry that examined the risk of death among the 27,122 persons diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders in Sweden when compared to age-matched controls. One significant finding from the study is that on average, persons with autism die sixteen years sooner than would be anticipated.  The finding we’ll examine more closely is that adults with autism and no intellectual disability are over nine times more likely to commit suicide when compared to their age-matched peers. Unlike the general population, in which men are significantly more likely to commit suicide than women, women with autism were at higher risk of suicide in this study than men.

Last month’s study isn’t the only signal that persons with autism are especially vulnerable to suicide.

  • study of 10-14 year-olds with autism reported that 70% of kids with autism also had at least one mental health disorder such as anxiety, ADHD or depression, and 41% had at least two comorbid mental health disorders. Of those with ADHD, 84% received a second comorbid diagnosis.
  • Kids with autism were 28 times more likely to experience suicidal ideation than age-matched peers without autism in this study.
  • In a study of 374 adults with Asperger’s Disorder, 66% of 367 respondents self-reported suicidal ideation, 127 (35%) of 365 respondents self-reported plans or attempts at suicide, and 116 (31%) of 368 respondents self-reported depression. Adults with Asperger’s syndrome were nearly ten times as likely to report lifetime experience of suicidal ideation than individuals from a general UK population sample, and more prone to suicidal ideation than people with one, two, or more medical illnesses, or people with psychotic illness.

Why might suicide represent such an enormous problem among high-functioning persons with autism spectrum disorders?

They’re more likely to experience social isolation and lack social supports. In the fall of 2014, we shared this anonymous post from a college student describing her experience of trying to attend church as a person with autism. Imagine how the challenges she describes would impact her day to day life outside of church.

High-functioning kids with autism are significantly more likely to become victims of bullying when compared to their peers with autism and intellectual disability. It’s become socially inappropriate to ridicule persons with an obvious disability…less so when the disability isn’t so obvious.

They’re more likely to experience difficulties with executive functioning that may translate into a greater risk of acting upon suicidal impulses, more difficulty employing effective problem-solving skills and more difficulty self-regulating emotions. Learn more here about the challenges persons face with executive functioning challenges.

Their propensity to become very fixated on specific thoughts or ideas may intensify suicidal thoughts, or result in more difficulty letting go of feelings of hopelessness when they occur.


PS I’ve been more suicidal with less friendship and more lonely lately.


1 Dec

I hate that I feel sad so often. Lonely and empty, sometimes even when people are around. I feel like I’ve made much progress. But how can that be if I still want to be around other people to feel good myself. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, unless I’m recharging. I’ve spent a lot of time alone but that’s just because interacting and getting close to people scares me so much. Now I have a couple people I’m close with and feel good around them, but they have other lives too. I wish I could just be happy with me.

I don’t know

14 Sep

I don’t know how to answer the question, “Well what do you want to do with your life” When I’m having days where I really don’t feel like living.  Maybe I should wait for the passion and fire to come back and then maybe I’ll know the answer.  Suicide isn’t really an option, or at least shouldn’t be.  I don’t want to live with my parents forever.  I want at least a BA and I like languages and linguistics and find it challenging.  I don’t know if I’ll ever work in the field or if having the BA will be anything besides just a personal accomplishment.  Colleges don’t want to hear that.  Even friends don’t.  I’m doubting whether I should transfer and when.  I have a feeling if I don’t do it soon, I’ll just get stuck and unmotivated and never do anything.  My case manager says I live in environment where there is no forced pressure or something like that, what she meant is my parents don’t push anything not even small stuff like brushing my teeth or bathing, well they do but most times if I’m not doing that I don’t even care what they think.  I feel like going to the local school will just be a disappointment, I think (sometimes) I’m better than that.  I’m not really getting any encouragement (especially when I need it, like now).  Maybe I’ll apply to all them and then once I get accept or rejection letters next spring I will be clearer on what I want and what is possible for me to keep my mental health okay.  The only issue is writing that personal statement.  I almost feel like skipping my meds for a little bit so I can get that hypomanic or manic rush and write the greatest personal statement ever.  I feel so lonely, I feel so empty, it shouldn’t be this way.  Tonight will be another late night at war with myself. 😥

I’m really bored and that’s a trigger

23 Jul

I’m bored today/tonight.  Usually I have 20 something’s group but I’ve been feeling so sensitive lately that I decided not to go tonight.  I haven’t made an infinite plan for the future about what to do about group.  But, sadly I can’t handle the left out feeling I get almost every night after we go out after the technical group is over.  I know I should be more mature and this is a me problem.  But it sucks when you feel alone or out of place most everywhere and then you find a group that’s suppose to be inclusive and you feel this way.  I’ll probably start going again, next week or the week after, but just not hanging out afterward.  I thought I made some real friends in that group but it’s looking like more of them were just a surface level friendship and I need to take that or not.

I also de-activated my Facebook for the same reason of feeling like I’m left out.  I don’t know how more to make it apparent I want to be invited places other than just inviting myself, which I won’t do.  People pretend to be like … “oh I’ll let you know” and then never do.  One girl was always like that, if you don’t want to invite me fine but don’t lie about it.  I know I don’t drink and am out of the typical age range so may be I’m just not a good fit.  The LGBT center that puts on this group has a Tuesday Night Ladies Night Out group, so maybe I will try that after I finish DBT.  It just seems so unfair and so much work with having to re-establish yourself and make it into a social circle, especially when you got issues.  Or a meet up group or something.  Now I kind of realize how important people are and how I desire that connection, even though I have hella high standards and walls to break through.  At least I know it.

Now since I know moving out with the girl from 20 somethings group won’t work I’m sort of upset.  I’m trying to re-frame it, maybe I’d like to get a small house in the area so I could be close to my family but still have some independence.  Not sure if I could handle living alone though.  I feel so lonely as it is, and it’s a tough time of the year because I don’t have school to occupy me.  Speaking of school they called and said I need to a education plan or a hold will be put on my registration.  What if I still am not really sure what I want to do?  Back to living alone, I just see myself losing motivation, not getting out of bed, and kinda falling off the planet.  I know I lean that way a lot even living with my parents.  But usually I make some sort of effort, like texting someone or trying to set up a walk with my sister or something.  I wonder if I could withstand that while living alone and really do it for myself.  I’m not sure yet, so I don’t want to take that step yet.

Feeling alone

16 Jul

feeling lonely, that’s all.

Daily Prompt: I am a rock!

11 Jun

WordPress Daily Prompt 6/11/15Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why?

No, oh no.  I was taught or learned early on that asking for help was futile or it just made you weak.  Since a young age I have only relied on myself and it’s colored my world quite a bit.  To be the only one helping yourself takes a lot of energy and it’s excruciating lonely.  My health and socialization definitely took a hit.  As I’ve grown into an adult my case manager has regularly told me I need to ask for help and it’s okay too.  I’m still weary, what if they can’t help me?  What if they think I’m weak?  What if they don’t believe me?  What if they don’t think I’m worth helping?  Who says I can count on them anyways?  It all goes back to childhood.  I’m now learning to ask for help more from safe people and still have a hard time asking for help from family unless it is my sister.  You know what they say… old habits die hard.

Someone please soothe me

29 Apr

Life passes you by. Especially when you’re mentally ill. People grow and progress so much quicker, leaving you behind. I’m growing too, very slowly and it hurts to think of the future. Not only mine but the people I care about. They’ll have other priorities and I’ll fade to the background. As I move to the background I’ll wonder why I even tried and want to disappear altogether. My sister will have kids. 20 somethings friend will move. And now I’m having nightmares of my case manager leaving my health insurance. It’s a lonely place to be at 4am, anytime really. How are you suppose to calm me with these inevitabilities looming. It makes me want to die now so I don’t have to bare the loss. People say enjoy the time you have, but I see it shifting before my eyes. Peoples schedules changing and priorities too, me fading to the background. Is it better this gradual way?  When will I be someone’s number one?

Daily Prompt: Cut Off

1 Mar

WordPress Daily Prompt 2/24/15When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

I feel lonely a lot and I think it’s one of the key characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder and usually my lonely feelings come with a feeling of emptiness.  I would have to say the worst is when you are surrounded by people and you feel so alone and empty inside.



7 Dec

In the end all there is is yourself.