I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. Will the US come to this again? So many things to stress about.
Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better. I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do. Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.
I’m worried about going back home for break. Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms. Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity. But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much. I just don’t want to un-grow.
I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break. I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away. I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.
I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day. I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic. I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women. And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.
I had an appointment with the therapist today. It went okay I guess. I looked presentable and I didn’t get hospitalized. I didn’t tell her how bad things really were but I did tell her all of my symptoms. She asked if the gender specific therapist contacted me and I said no; she said she’d follow up again and I should get an e-mail. That will let me know what I will need to do in order to get top surgery. Looks like I’m going to have to play the game. I mentioned my dislike of the idea of binding and the likely possibility it will trigger dysphoria and the therapist just made some comments about having to do it. Maybe when I see the real gender specific therapist I can explain to her what I want and how I identify. I didn’t go to class today. I need to get a paper done, that I haven’t started that’s due Friday. It’s okay I work best under pressure.
Gender identity changes made so far:
- No longer carrying a purse
- No longer getting toenails painted
- Wearing all male clothing
- Got rid of all female clothing other than bathing suit
- Got rid of make up
- Got rid of jewelry other than class ring and sentimental stuff
I live in California a pretty democratic progressive state, everyone was outraged, sad, angry, pissed, scared, and a variety of other bad feeling when Trump won- well most everybody. My dad would have voted for him if he was in the states. Everyone who lived in my court voted for him and I knew others that did. I was sad and scared, but mostly shocked, it took awhile for the real feelings to kick in.
I’m 33, 34 in two days. I’ve waited a long time to start transitioning. I haven’t felt safe to do it in my own home. Now I don’t feel safe to do it in my country and worry about government policies and procedures that may prevent me from doing so. I already know it won’t go quick as I like because of my pre-existing mental health conditions; especially the episode a couple weeks ago with the voices. Now I feel set back, hopeless, suicidal. I wonder if I should abandon myself, my progress of the last few months with transitioning and the last 5 years of so with accepting my sexuality. I don’t want to be unsafe but at the same time I want to die. But I’d rather have it be by my own hand than some hateful bigot.
It’s been interesting lately. And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water. I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me. About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.) The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes. The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual. Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance. I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic. Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief. I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices. My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices. All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades. I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping. I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away. This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend. Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.
Today I had a counseling appointment and even though my case manager doesn’t really want to address the gender identity issues she today said that my self harm was a result of gender identity and sexuality issues. I was quick to point out I was self harming before those issues came to light and for other reasons. I often worry about people taking my biological disorders and my situational life happenings and screwing them up and trying to put something where it doesn’t belong. I did mention that yes I did self harm on my breasts because I hated them; but I self harmed for a slew of other reasons before I hit puberty (when gender issues came on) and before I met PK (when I started discovering my sexuality).
I’m thinking about using a new name with my new gender variant expression, when I start transitioning more, a nickname my sister has given me that is my initials. Before I do that though, I want it to be okay with her as it is her nickname sort of and I don’t know how she will feel about being gender variant and I don’t feel right about taking a nickname she gave me and using it; if she takes the transition really badly. I need to feel her out. I’m not good at feeling people out.
What I’ve been waiting for. Since my case manager told me over a month ago that she wasn’t really qualified to handle the gender identity issues and to talk to the therapist I was angry. It seems everyone defers to the therapist that I see once every 6 weeks. (I see my case manager once a week.) I had also just gotten my ASD evaluation back and we were suppose to go over that. It seems everyone passes the buck to her and I have a harder time opening up to her as I don’t see her as often and haven’t developed as much trust.
Surprisingly things went very well. She has training regarding gender identity issues and is seeing other people with in Kaiser (my insurance.) My fears about not being taken seriously because I don’t fully identify as a trans person were unfounded. She let me know what my insurance covered and was okay with what I said I wanted to pursue, didn’t want to, and was unknown at this time. We talked a little about why it is coming up now, pretty much because I have the independence to be out of my parents house and I don’t plan on moving back. I don’t see my dad taking this well and knowing I won’t have to be around him while doing this transition and adjusting myself makes me able to pursue it. Also now being in the LGBT community I have names and real things attached to feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time, since puberty. The therapist is going to see me in a little over two weeks instead of the typical 6 weeks, which is much of an improvement and practically unheard of wishing psychotherapy in my insurance. She also suggested I check out a support group for trans and gender non conforming people and a local gender center. My first step is to e-mail them and find out times and dates. I hate group things and with my social and awkward problems this will be hard. At least for now it’s just finding out when they meet.
You don’t see inside me
The pain and confusion
The questions and doubts I have
Me trying to keep it together
You don’t see inside me
I hate who I am
But I have to be this for now
So i push and push
I push it away
and do what I have to do
whatever that means
But you can only push so much
and then a crack shows
and you may catch a glimpse
But you don’t see inside me
I’m not even sure what’s there
That’s what happens when you push and push
I can’t see inside me.