Tag Archives: left out

I’m really bored and that’s a trigger

23 Jul

I’m bored today/tonight.  Usually I have 20 something’s group but I’ve been feeling so sensitive lately that I decided not to go tonight.  I haven’t made an infinite plan for the future about what to do about group.  But, sadly I can’t handle the left out feeling I get almost every night after we go out after the technical group is over.  I know I should be more mature and this is a me problem.  But it sucks when you feel alone or out of place most everywhere and then you find a group that’s suppose to be inclusive and you feel this way.  I’ll probably start going again, next week or the week after, but just not hanging out afterward.  I thought I made some real friends in that group but it’s looking like more of them were just a surface level friendship and I need to take that or not.

I also de-activated my Facebook for the same reason of feeling like I’m left out.  I don’t know how more to make it apparent I want to be invited places other than just inviting myself, which I won’t do.  People pretend to be like … “oh I’ll let you know” and then never do.  One girl was always like that, if you don’t want to invite me fine but don’t lie about it.  I know I don’t drink and am out of the typical age range so may be I’m just not a good fit.  The LGBT center that puts on this group has a Tuesday Night Ladies Night Out group, so maybe I will try that after I finish DBT.  It just seems so unfair and so much work with having to re-establish yourself and make it into a social circle, especially when you got issues.  Or a meet up group or something.  Now I kind of realize how important people are and how I desire that connection, even though I have hella high standards and walls to break through.  At least I know it.

Now since I know moving out with the girl from 20 somethings group won’t work I’m sort of upset.  I’m trying to re-frame it, maybe I’d like to get a small house in the area so I could be close to my family but still have some independence.  Not sure if I could handle living alone though.  I feel so lonely as it is, and it’s a tough time of the year because I don’t have school to occupy me.  Speaking of school they called and said I need to a education plan or a hold will be put on my registration.  What if I still am not really sure what I want to do?  Back to living alone, I just see myself losing motivation, not getting out of bed, and kinda falling off the planet.  I know I lean that way a lot even living with my parents.  But usually I make some sort of effort, like texting someone or trying to set up a walk with my sister or something.  I wonder if I could withstand that while living alone and really do it for myself.  I’m not sure yet, so I don’t want to take that step yet.

Left out again

16 Jul

I don’t get the joke. I’m not “in” with the cool kids. I feel like an idiot. Just a prop in a play. I try to pretend it’s all okay. Make conversation. But when a group is planning an outing in front of you, it’s hard. I guess I’ll never be “in” with the cool kids ever again. But I want it so bad. Triggered so I take Valium, it’s better than being awake and alone with my thoughts.

Left Out

30 May

I hate how my BPD makes me feel left out and insecure.  Even when I really wouldn’t want to be there or around certain people.  I feel sick to my stomach right now.  High school friend is at a wedding tonight along with a bunch of my other friends from high school.  I don’t know the couple that well, other than meeting them at high school friend’s events.  And I don’t even like weddings.  Of course it’s all over Facebook and high school friend is my friend on both accounts so I can’t just avoid it.

The other thing is a bunch of people from the 20 something’s are going to a bar tonight to celebrate someone’s birthday.  After last weeks experience at a bar, I realized I often feel lost and really uncomfortable there.  I’ll go if I’m with someone and they are going, but to get into my car and drive out there, no.  I’d just feel like I’d have to hang on to 20 something’s friend like a security blanket and that’s no fun for him and probably not me either.  Also, I’m kind of on the fence about who’s birthday it is and last time I went somewhere she invited me I was pretty much ignored by her all night.

I think I need to re-evaluate my friends.  But it’s so hard to find (and keep) friends with all my different mental illnesses.  My sister is at a wedding tonight too.  Lil sis, her boyfriend and dad are at the Sac mile.  I even tried to make dinner plans with the neighbor, but I guess she’s busy.  Panic setting in about 20 something’s friend leaving and being too busy during summer school… better go distract.