Tag Archives: introvert

Coping or change? & Projecting the future

4 Jul

Tonight I had a 4th of July party with some of my friends from the 20 somethings group coming.  Last year’s party was out of this world and I was trying not to set myself up for disappointment this year.  I even debated having the party because I was sure it wouldn’t live up to last year.  And it didn’t but it was still a great party.  So I’m glad I had it.

There were a lot of couples at the party so that was interesting, but people mixed okay.  I felt a little awkward at points but that’s the norm with me.  Somehow and I think part way into a discussion people were talking about change and coping.  One guy was mentioning how he tends to be shy naturally but “changes” to be extroverted so he has friends.  Another person said this was coping.  I’m naturally an introvert and it takes a lot of energy and comfort to try and go to social events.  It’s easier if I’m hosting, that’s my way of meeting in the middle.  Just last session my case manager was talking about how I’m not naturally a social/extroverted/outgoing type of person and everyone (even her) has push me to be one.  Have I magically changed into one of those people from hosting and attending events?  Nope, I’m less anxious some times but I cope.  I do it because having a social network is important to me, whether the friends are on a more superficial level or a deep close friendship.  I do it because I know how easy it is for me to isolate myself and then feel even more lonely and depressed.  And I do it because that’s what I am “suppose” to do.

I’m not sure what will happen when I’ve run this course with my 20 somethings group.  In my age range people are more about settling down, starting families, or developing careers.  If I end up moving out with the girl, which a lot of stuff has to pend I expect I will still have some contact with people from group; even if I’m not attending regularly.  I don’t know how I feel about this yet.  I’m also not sure what will happen when 20 something’s friend moves, obviously we won’t be able to have as close as a friendship as we do now.  But it’s hard for me to think about trying to make a new best friend- I have high standards and tend to trust slowly.

But if I move out and start dating more seriously, maybe I’ll settle down and she will also fill that “best friend” role.  I know I am projecting things that are out of my control.  But thinking and planning ahead makes me less anxious.  So far I’ve asked 20 somethings friend and my sister what they think about the moving out possibility and have gotten their feedback.  Both seem to be positive with some reservations, each one being concerned about different things. This week I’ll be at the NAMI national conference so the week after that I will see my case manager and ask her opinion.  Then I’ll probably mull it over for another week before even presenting the proposition to the girl.  And it kind of frustrates me I’ll do all this and she may not even be interested.  But I have some back up people in mind…

I slept for days…

30 Jun

well only 2 actually.  I’m on my 2nd part of Vacation of the two and a half-ish straight weeks of vacation.  I’m in Mexico with the whole family +4.  Normally I don’t go on family vacations to Mexico, it’s hot and there isn’t much to do where we go.  I left Monday at 4:30am after getting back from SF Pride at 9:30pm on Sunday night.  I was really emotional after coming back from pride but not really allowed or able to feel the truth of the emotions because I had to get ready for the next trip, pack and get to sleep early.  I cut off the tears and just said “not now.”  It was probably a real stupid move but the only one I saw at the time.  I woke up with nightmares bawling again, this one again was about me and 20 something’s friend and not being able to be friends anymore.  Somewhere in the back of my brain is this ticking time bomb theory that the friendship is going to end or that he is really annoyed with me.  It’s probably not true but you know my insecurities.  It plays out during the evening most times and in nightmares.  Both involve a lot of crying and terror.  I just keep trying to tell myself I am over reacting.  The friendship is good in a lot of ways and what I haven’t had in many other friends with the boundaries, having fun, and being able to be my true self.  The only thing I don’t like is I don’t get a lot of feedback that things are going okay or good.  Maybe I should just assume that things are good unless it’s mentioned that things are bad.  It’s just so hard because growing up you always had to be on edge because things could go from good to bad very quick, so I’m hyper vigilant always looking for some signs, and I just don’t see them in this friendship.  I’m also hesitant about what to do when I’m super emotional.  I want to be able to go to him but not rely on him, just talk about whatever is bothering me or distracting doing something and not making it about him having to make me feel better.

I’m an introvert by nature and being around people not stop drains me.  Therefore after SF Pride I slept for the last two days straight except to eat.  It’s annoying my family but they should know this pattern by now.  Vacation is going pretty good considering, but I have been sleeping a lot.  My tummy is not happy with the food.  Today I got a massage and Thursday we are going snorkeling.  I also plan on watching some Netflix, sense8 and Orange is the New Black.

Busy week-weekend

13 Jun

I’ve written earlier how I have had a string of good days.  This is rare for me, either the BPD or bipolar usually kicks in and disrupts things.  That’s not to say I haven’t had my challenges.  Today I slept till 1pm trying to re-charge from yesterday’s events of TedX Sacramento, helping a friend in crisis, and a concert that went to midnight- all with no nap.  The day of Sac Pride I threw up a couple times.  Yesterday I almost threw up again and nearly fell two or three times in one day.  I’ve been waking up every morning between 1-3am and having to take at least 2 hours to get back to sleep.  The weather in Sac has been so strange 106 one day, raining the next, last night at the concert at 7:30pm it was still 101 degrees.  I don’t handle heat well, that’s the nausea and throwing up lately.

Tonight I will have some friends over to binge watch Orange is the New Black and have a sleepover.  Tomorrow I will have people over to play ultimate frisbee and swim.  Each day I try to plan at least one thing, but also make sure there is time to recover between events, being crazy and an introvert, recovery is necessary or my symptoms get out of control.

I was talking well technically Facebook messaging a trans friend last night who was having issues with family acceptance.  I suggested he moved to CA (he lives in Boston).  I think he thinks I was joking but I wasn’t.  We’ve become really good friends and while usually I wouldn’t move in with someone with mental health issues too, because it can be a recipe for disaster.  I think this would work.  It’d get be out of a bad situation and him too, and allow us both to grow.  I know you’ll read this so think about it.

I’m two followers short of getting 1,000 followers if that hits I plan to do a post on my progress and who I am besides my mental illness, it may be multiple posts.  I want to give my new readers a chance to get to know me better.  I also have a Facebook page, where I post little updates and memes I find.  Along with some of my posts here and interesting articles.  Also most my pictures are there.  Check it out!

More About Me Questions

30 May

1. What was the last clothing item that you bought?

A t-shirt at the Music Festival last Saturday night.

2. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you choose?

I don’t think I could pick one because of my memory issues and constant struggle with mental illness.

3. When you say “lol”, are you really laughing?

Most times

4. What is the most interesting thing you’ve done in the past year?

Went to Canada for the first time.

5. If you started a business, what would it be?

Non-profit childcare center for at risk kids.

6. Do your friends/family/coworkers know about your blog?

20 something’s friend has the ability to read all blogs (even password protected), high school friend and my sister are able to see blogs that I post to my Blog Facebook Page.

7. How long does it take you to write an average blog post?

It depends.  Some take minutes, the really short upset ones.  Usually about 20 minutes for an update one.  Resources take longer, between 45 mins and a hour.

8. How do you keep up with the blogs you follow?

I get daily digest e-mails.  I read a lot of blogs but comment and like rarely, I need to work on that,

9. What is your bedtime?

Ranges from 7pm-2am.  Depends if I have anything to do and what my mood is.  The better my mood or the more I have to do, the later I stay up

10. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert.

introvert

11. What is your biggest wish?

Not to deal with mental illness on a daily basis, recovery, being normal or average.

12. What is the best job you ever had?

Only had one job at that was old work at the child care center and it was my favorite job.  Had to go on disability because I was not well enough to work.

13. Dog person/cat person/both/neither?

More of a dog person but I like cats too.

14. If you had $1,000 to spend any way you wanted, what would you do with it?

Spend it on scrapbook stuff, take friends out, or donate to charity.  Money has never really been an issue for me.

15. How do you “dress” your toast?

I don’t like toast, or bread very much.

16. How do you feel about snow?

I love snow as long as you don’t have to shovel it.

17. What was the worst job you ever had?

N/A

18. What song can you not stop listening to?

Centuries by Fall Out Boy

19. Love your name or hate it?

Love my name, hate the spelling.  Everyone misspells it.

20. How did you choose your blog/twitter handle?

The Blog: My first name, I write a lot about mental health but that’s not all.  The username: my initials and 17 when I made up the name and 2001 the year I graduated high school.  It’s a common user name I’ve used since high school.