Tag Archives: independence

Independence thoughts

10 Aug

About a week ago I moved out of student housing into a duplex.  I’m sharing the duplex with 2 of my roommates from student housing apartments but they are not moving in until Sept 20.  I like the independence but it’s also a bit lonely and I’m trying to get use to that without letting it send me into a depression or a series or a negative thought loop I can’t get out of.  A few times I’ve just had to leave.

Tonight I was laying in bed and able to stay in a neutral state for quite longer than I expected.  I have messaged some friends, but so far no one has responded.  They weren’t desperate messages and I’m not desperate and hope not to go there.  I have a mini list of things in my head to do to keep me from falling off the deep end.

I just wonder if I can do this for a month and a half?  If it will get easier, or what?

NAMI National Convention 2016

7 Jul

Today was the first Official day of the convention although there was an extra track yesterday about first episode psychosis that was rather interesting. The convention this year is in Denver, Colorado last year it was in San Fransico, California. I live in California  so last year me and mom drove to the conference and while she didn’t go, she stayed in the hotel with me. This year I flew by myself and am staying by myself for 4 nights. The night before I chickened out, was really physically sick with stomach issues, and if my dad wasn’t home would have just not gone. But he’d ridicule me and not understand so I sucked it up and went on little sleep and little faith.
The first day was just registering, checking in to hotel, the one track, and I went to sleep early. I liked the talk. I was proud I was able to fly, get a cab, and check in to the hotel without having a melt down. I went to bed as soon as the program was over and my sleep was weird with bad dreams. There’s no bath here and I forgot my hairbrush. So I just called the front desk (hardest thing so far) and asked for a comb) I combed my hair and put on my hat. The other hotel has a hair brush I bought so I’ll try to shower tomorrow. 
The one good talk yesterday was about getting people with psychosis to engage in treatment. It talked about the negative symptoms of those with psychotic disorders like: lack of motivation, isolation, lack of interest in things, flat affect, monotone/don’t respond much. Yet there is still the need to belong and the desire for connection.  Sometimes the problem goes to we can’t do what we use to do.  Example when I had to stop working I never talked to old boss till years after though we were very good friends and went to the movies a lot. There were a lot of things I couldn’t do at points of illness, like attend school or social events so I just lost everything related to that. When nothing feels great you stop trying because you don’t expect it to and why put in the effort. We prefer hobbies to people and don’t engage in the community. Sometimes we are protecting ourselves but sometimes it holds us back.   In order to help these negative symptoms which have underlying problems such as defeatist beliefs you need to let the individual set the goals for therapy.  No ones life’s goals. Is to get up and shower. To make their bed. To take their Meds. As the speaker humoursly suggested maybe your ambition is to live independently with a soda machine in your apartment? 

  • Then ambitions are broken down.  Steps are concrete. 
  • Action towards the goal is the therapy target 
  • Obstacles are addressed as they impede action
  • Conceptualization is the key to the obstacles
  • Achieving the ambitions reinforces the curative beliefs

That was yesterday. Today talked about policy and government. A good workshop on peer workers though there were two VOCAL audience members who should’ve been kept in better check. I’ll scan the awesome resource document when I get home. I also attended another sessions  on first episode psychosis programs; there was a lot of that at the NAMU National Convention 2015, so no real new info. 

I hope I sleep better tonight. I can take a quick shower in the morning without my sensory issues going crazy. And noticing my interactions with people vs the rest of the convention the more likely I fall on the ASD spectrum.  I’ve talked to one person since I got here. Most have depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, PTSD, or are a family member of someone who does. There are board members and stuff too but even them usually have some relation. 


27 Sep

Lately I have been practicing skills to lead to my independence, to be more adult like.  I’ve started brushing my teeth and taking a bath each day.  I have started doing my own laundry.  I’m also trying to tolerate being alone better.  Some days I feel like I’ve made so much progress like the other morning I got up, took a bath, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and put in contacts.  I later did some laundry and when my parents didn’t want what I wanted for lunch, I went by myself.

Yesterday was hard.  I was alone most the day and bored, so I just decided to sleep.  I tried a couple times to see if people could do things with me but they had plans or didn’t respond till later.  I think I did okay but it makes me wonder if I move away for school if I will be able to be adult enough and be able to tolerate being alone enough.  Also my sleep is really messed up, I took 2 naps yesterday and one was 4 hours.  It’s ok for the current situation because I don’t have a lot to do.  But if I’m going to go to school full time, like I plan to in the fall- I don’t think it’ll work.

I don’t know

14 Sep

I don’t know how to answer the question, “Well what do you want to do with your life” When I’m having days where I really don’t feel like living.  Maybe I should wait for the passion and fire to come back and then maybe I’ll know the answer.  Suicide isn’t really an option, or at least shouldn’t be.  I don’t want to live with my parents forever.  I want at least a BA and I like languages and linguistics and find it challenging.  I don’t know if I’ll ever work in the field or if having the BA will be anything besides just a personal accomplishment.  Colleges don’t want to hear that.  Even friends don’t.  I’m doubting whether I should transfer and when.  I have a feeling if I don’t do it soon, I’ll just get stuck and unmotivated and never do anything.  My case manager says I live in environment where there is no forced pressure or something like that, what she meant is my parents don’t push anything not even small stuff like brushing my teeth or bathing, well they do but most times if I’m not doing that I don’t even care what they think.  I feel like going to the local school will just be a disappointment, I think (sometimes) I’m better than that.  I’m not really getting any encouragement (especially when I need it, like now).  Maybe I’ll apply to all them and then once I get accept or rejection letters next spring I will be clearer on what I want and what is possible for me to keep my mental health okay.  The only issue is writing that personal statement.  I almost feel like skipping my meds for a little bit so I can get that hypomanic or manic rush and write the greatest personal statement ever.  I feel so lonely, I feel so empty, it shouldn’t be this way.  Tonight will be another late night at war with myself. 😥

Counseling Update

2 Sep

Went and saw my case manager today and when I talked about how I felt earlier in the week, she asked why didn’t I call.  I’m not really sure, I knew I could wait till Wednesday, maybe it was thinking it wasn’t enough of a “crisis” or thinking I might get hospitalized, I don’t know.  In addition, I’ll have no appointments next week she is going to training and Monday is a holiday here in the US.  I asked if I could call Friday if I needed to and she said for sure.

We talked about my overwhelming emotions and apparently I’m doing the right thing.  More than the right thing, with the addition of laundry, dishes, brushing my teeth, and taking a bath every day.   She talked about noticing the good in-spite of everything I’m dealing with instead of saying the good stuff… but…  I’m going to try that.  We talked about how the two big things that are overwhelming me are 20 somethings friend leaving and transferring to another university.  It sort of helps to know I can’t do anything even though she asked me if I could what would I do if I had complete control, and that made me feel better.

I’m just afraid that dealing with these two big things that I won’t be stable enough to deal with other realities of life like school, dating, friendships (?).  In-spite of everything I’m still doing good I have 2 classes, am improving my independence and ADLs.  I just gotta take it day by day.  Hopefully school will feel routine in the next couple weeks and it won’t take so much energy.

She also talked about how when someone is in your heart that they can never really leave you.  She gave me some tips on communicating with 20 somethings friend that will hopefully make it easier for me to not feel as overwhelmed, feel appreciated, and help be supportive too.


28 Jun

Continuing the trend from prior weeks today is a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t like feeling emotions and have long tried to block them till they rushed over the walls I built. Now I feel them to an extent but not truly because then my life would be so insane. I like making people happy and tend to put other people’s needs before my own. This weekend was no different and being with a group of people meant different and competing needs/wants. I wanted no fighting/drama/arguments/stress. There was a little but if I was ever involved I just tried to back down or mediate. There were a few times I was frustrated beyond belief but I think I kept quiet and kept my cool. My lack of ability to read people has me worrying I didn’t do as good as I thought. It was pride. It was important. It was someone’s first and another took time off for work for it. Spending so much time with these two people and not getting much alone time has me thinking about a few things. An opportunity to move out and the person not being a good match because they’re over sensitive too. A planed trip later in the summer, where I wanted to go to Disneyland but am thinking about not because I’m not sure he’d enjoy it and then I know I wouldn’t have fun and it’d be a waste of time. I know I should put forth more effort to do what I want/need but it doesn’t seem important to other people so I drop it. I had moments of peace at pride. I had moments where sadness and emptiness washed over me. I’m reminded I don’t have control how others act towards me. I almost cried once, thank god for sunglasses. Right now I’m just tired and overwhelmed and really hoping my sacrifices were appreciated and if not that, that at least everyone had a good time.

Update 1/24/15

24 Jan

So I guess it’s official that I have a girlfriend now, except I’m not entirely sure she is comfortable with people knowing that.  It seems kinda strange but it helps explain expectations better.  We went out to dinner and hung out at my house tonight, I love my parents being gone and having the house to myself.  I also hung out a little bit with lil sis this morning.  I went to play Ultimate Frisbee with some friends from 20 something’s but not enough people came so we ended up just throwing the Frisbee around and then playing three flys up.  It’s been a good day.  I haven’t had my maprotline since Thursday and did a half dose of Viibryd yesterday and now am out of that.  This can be explained by the strike at my health care coverage, my original appointment with my psychiatrist not working out, and the fact that both medications are special order and take longer to fill.  Luckily I haven’t felt any differently physically or mentally despite missing the doses.  My parents come back late Monday night, when at Frisbee I was mentioning to my friends about moving out.  I think I need to get more serious about it, I feel stable and I have for a long time not wanted to live with my parents it just wasn’t an option. I think I should check with my case manager and maybe the therapist to see what they think.  I don’t want to jump into things and relapse.


6 Dec

Lately things have been good, real good, almost too good to be true good.  I’ve felt better than I have in a year and the only downside seems to be I’m gaining weight and always hungry.  I sort of don’t know what to think of this shift in how I am doing, I was real hesitant at first because I usually do good for a period after being released from the hospital.  I’d like to attribute it to the meds, but I know it’s not just that.  I don’t wake up anymore with that feeling in the pit of my stomach and thinking how am I going to face another day.  This morning I did, but I think that’s because I accidentally forgot a set of my night meds last night.  Things still bother me but they don’t cause me to sink down so fast or even stay there for very long.  I know I have tons of coping skills and when depressed they don’t help or I don’t care enough to try.  I’m also trying to do things that are usually difficult for me or that I don’t do.  Last week I went out to eat twice by myself, this is big because when I move out I won’t have my dad to go out to dinner with me every night.  I’ve also been making myself food, granted it’s food that was pre-made but normally I even have someone else do it for me.  I’m still sleepy a lot.  Yesterday I took a 4 hour nap and didn’t even realize it had been that long.  So things are good and I’m just trying to enjoy the goodness without too much dwelling on what happened and when is it going to end.

The post I forgot to write earlier

4 Oct

It’s been an “up” kind of day and with that I sort of lose focus.  I had responded to come comments on my post about Disability? and letting know people I had made a decision and was going to blog on that but then I forgot to!

So here it is I am currently not going to pursue federal or state disability.  I can still kind of work for my parents and they are willing to work with me and my limitations so I probably shouldn’t wreck a good thing.  They also say they will help support me financially for as long as I need to be, even if that is my entire life.  I do have the fear that things will fall apart and they will withdraw financial support or just be unable to provide it but for now that’s not the case and I’m looking at now.  I’m also going to try and save some money in case in comes to a point where they can’t support me so I won’t be left with nothing.  My sister also made a good point that one of the main reasons i want to pursue disability is for the independence and likely I would still be financially dependent on my parents since disability income is so low.

Thanks everyone for your opinions and experiences, that really was the deciding factor.  And I can always re-evaluate later if need be.

Some fun WordPress prompts

3 Oct

WordPress Daily Prompt 10/3/14 Howl at the moon: 

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg

Do you follow Ginsberg’s advice — in your writing and/or in your everyday life?

In my writing I do, my blog is a (generally) uncensored outlet for me, especially my madness or mental illnesses.  However, in daily life I am very much the opposite.  I may make jokes and innuendos about my struggles but am very rarely real about what is going on and the madness I experience.  Mostly because I don’t want to be judged, and I figure if people are reading it here it is their choice and they want to know.  I also don’t want to be a downer or burden to people.

WordPress Daily Prompt 9/28/14 Mouths Wide Shut:

Are you a picky eater? Share some of your favorite food quirks with us (the more exotic, the better!). Omnivores: what’s the one thing you won’t eat?

YES!  I kind of have some OCD like tendencies with my eating.  I don’t like my food touching each other.  I eat in portions, all of one thing before moving to the next usually starting with the thing I like least then onto the thing I like most.  I rarely mix my food and if I do it generally means I don’t like it and am just trying to get it down as quick as possible.  I have about 5-10 restaurants that I like to frequent and eat out 5-7 times a week, rotating between the same restaurants.  I also order the same thing at each restaurant, rarely trying “new” things.  I will try most things once, but I like to stick to what I know I like especially since I struggle with weight so the food better be worth the calories.  The one thing I won’t eat is sushi because I can’t digest seaweed, I throw it up- everything else stays down just the seaweed comes up it’s disgusting and odd.  I also don’t much care for seafood.  If I go to Japanesse food i get Edamame.

WordPress Daily Prompt 9/13/14 To-Do? Done:

Quickly list five things you’d like to change in your life. Now, write a post about a day in your life once all five have been crossed off your to-do list

  1. More independence from family
  2. Bachelors Degree
  3. Travel to Italy
  4. Have a steady/secure romantic relationship
  5. Feel content/happy

I don’t know how a day in my life once all these things are accomplished would look.  Most seem so far off and unattainable at the moment, but I’m making steps towards them.  to give me wiggle room let’s just say I’m in my older age like 60’s and looking back on my life and all I have accomplished despite my mental illnesses and I would be thinking about these things.  that gives me 30 years to accomplish them, reasonable right?

WordPress Daily Prompt 8/21/14 Work? Optional!:

If money were out of the equation, would you still work? If yes, why, and how much? If not, what would you do with your free time?

Yes.  I barely work as it is and there is a lot of free time to fill.  I don’t know how much I would work but I know I can’t work too much or I get stressed and my mental illnesses get all symptomatic.  I think work gives me value as a person, someone who contributes.  This is some idea I probably got from family who make disparaging comments about people on welfare and assistance.  For me it would be about a personal feeling of value and accomplishment not just because society says that’s what I have to do.  I would also like to not have to skirt around the question when people ask me what I do.