Tag Archives: hopeless

Just another “Election aftermath”

10 Nov

I live in California a pretty democratic progressive state, everyone was outraged, sad, angry, pissed, scared, and a variety of other bad feeling when Trump won- well most everybody.  My dad would have voted for him if he was in the states.  Everyone who lived in my court voted for him and I knew others that did.  I was sad and scared, but mostly shocked, it took awhile for the real feelings to kick in.


I’m 33, 34 in two days.  I’ve waited a long time to start transitioning.  I haven’t felt safe to do it in my own home.  Now I don’t feel safe to do it in my country and worry about government policies and procedures that may prevent me from doing so.  I already know it won’t go quick as I like because of my pre-existing mental health conditions; especially the episode a couple weeks ago with the voices.  Now I feel set back, hopeless, suicidal.  I wonder if I should abandon myself, my progress of the last few months with transitioning and the last 5 years of so with accepting my sexuality.  I don’t want to be unsafe but at the same time I want to die.  But I’d rather have it be by my own hand than some hateful bigot.

Protected: Sex and dissociation

22 Jul

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Ever happened?

9 Jun

I don’t know how to react.  Yesterday, my dad pretty much told me he didn’t want my gay friends coming over.  He wants to feel comfortable in his own house and he has lived in this neighborhood a long time and about what others would think.  The thing is my dad has been telling me for years how important it is for me to make friends and find companionship and how that’s all he wants… I guess only if it’s his type of friends.  I tried to speak up something about it being my house to and having people over but he kind of overtook it speaking louder and faster and I didn’t want to lose it in the car.  I did an okay job managing to keep it together on the way to where we went for breakfast, during it, and on the way back.  Then I lost it, it’s hard enough for me to make friends and now it’s like I can’t invite them over.  And what if I ever do meet someone, I now know I can’t take them home if I can’t even have friends over.  He knew I was crying the night before yest he still said this to me yesterday morning.  I find it very hard to believe everyone is so invested and caring about me, when they do things like this.  I took 1/2 a Valium so I could still go to movie night and my sister picked me up and let me sleep/cry at her house.  I went straight to her house to movie night.  After coming home I went to sleep and took 1/2 a Seroquel upon waking up this morning.  I feel so hopeless and because my dad upset me I missed first day of summer class, I don’t think I could have kept it anyways.  Sad thing is I don’t think he knows how much he effected me, but it wouldn’t matter and even my sister says nothing good could come from it.  I guess I’m just suppose to let this blow over and act like nothing ever happened.


15 Aug

I feel like everything I do is a choice. If I’m depressed, I’m choosing to be that way. If I’m isolating I’m choosing to be that way. If I spend too much money, I chose that. If I’m crying. If I’m hopeless. If I won’t shut up. If I don’t sleep much. If I sleep too much. If I listen to the voices. If I believe the paranoia. If I hate myself. If I refuse to talk on the phone unless necessary. All choices I’m making. I’m choosing to be mentally ill, I’m choosing to take the easy way instead of fighting the symptoms, I know I shouldn’t do it. I hate the fact that I have this fucking awareness. It just shows the blame is all on me, no one thinks its an illness I can’t control cuz I’ve learned to control it for the most part. And any symptoms of personality disorder are definitely my choice and me just being manipulative. Why fucking bother to cope, then everyone just expects me to at ALL times.


15 Aug

Crashing after looking into health insurance options and getting off parents plan. 😦 Well the crash would have happened regardless but I feel like I let/forced it to happen before it may have naturally. Now I feel hopeless and like I’ll be stuck under my parents forever.

Wanting to give up

17 Dec

I ended up going to the graduation and for dinner afterwards.  I only lasted for an hour and a half at the graduation party the next day and canceled on the bowling.  Went home at 5:30 read a little and went to bed.  Sunday I managed to get out of bed and have breakfast with the family and open my mom’s presents, her birthday was Saturday.  I then got in the bath for a bit and cried then at 4pm took all my meds, including the 600mg Seroquel and called it a night.  I’ve spent most of the weekend in bed or in the bath crying or trying to distract to a small degree.  I have no class today since it’s finals week.  I had to be out of my bedroom for an hour or so, when the cleaning ladies came.  Tomorrow night is Italian final and Wednesday morning is Math final.  I could get a B in both classes without even taking the finals so I’m not real concerned nor do I even care right now.  I’m sick of life, ready to give up on it and treatment.  People say the feelings pass and they do but they just come back stronger and in less time.  I don’t see me living a productive or meaningful life so why not just give in now.  I seem to be coping to the outside world, able to do well in school, not listening to the voices, able to put on a happy face when around other people, and push myself to go to events that mean a lot to other people but inside I’m dying.  I’m crying when not around others and sometimes even around others, the voices are tormenting me, everything I see becomes an idea for suicide, I feel dead inside, truly hopeless and think other people are losing hope for me too.

27 Jul

One small hit and the wall falls. Everything in my life that is wrong is bothering me now. It’s all laid out before. As all crack in the wall and all the fucked up things in my life that make me angry, hopeless, or suicidal are right there. And it’s a lot. And all it took was a messed up prescription. That’s all it ever takes, something small and usually unrelated and I’m ready to be done with.


9 Jul

Trying to read blogs but so hopeless and angry and everything about the family situation.  I’m going to vent a little…  so I was in inpatient for the last week or so, nothing new I’ve been inpatient more than a dozen times.  My sister came to visit me nearly every day as did my dad, my mom came once and a family/sister friend that lived with us came once.  The first time my mom and dad came together I was surprised, my mom doesn’t like this type of thing.  She actually refused to see me the first few times I was hospitalized inpatient.  Anyways here I am talking away to my visitors, my parents, when I suddenly get the feeling that they aren’t even listening to me.  I say “you aren’t listening, are you?” and got no response I just stopped talking.  Later when talking on the phone to my dad I mentioned how my mom didn’t need to come I know this isn’t her thing and it’s probably better if she doesn’t come.  The next visiting hours my dad comes alone with a card from my mom.  I read the card and it said something to the effect of I care about you yadda yada yada I hope you get better yada yada yada.  Didn’t think much of it and just put it away in my room.  My sister couldn’t come to the off hours visiting that she normally comes to during the day so had to come to regular night visiting hours, she had a house warming party to go to.  She came, I could tell she was a little shaken up but just tried to ignore it, told her about my card from mom kinda in a joking “wow can you believe that” sort of way.  She wanted to see the card and I brought it out and she read it and started crying I asked her why she was crying and she said it was sad that mom couldn’t even say that stuff.  Then she mentions something about having a harsh conversation with my dad about the living situation “a while ago.”  Turns out a while ago was within the last couple days when I was in the hospital.  Saying about the toxic environment and yada yada yada.  How her, me, my dad,  and my case manager were all on the same page.  About how he made his own mess, how my parents not getting along, how they baby me….  I got mad but of course don’t express it just kind of shut down and told her she doesn’t understand the whole situation and that we aren’t all exactly on the same page.  I tried to be okay, visiting hours were 7-8pm.  At about 9:30ish I started to lose it, I got super suicidal, abandonment, rejection, all kinds of crap coming up.  Thought of two ways I could successfully kill myself while still in the hospital, debated about “talking” to someone, debated about saying fuck it and stay in cuz I know I’m still not okay and was going to be released tomorrow (Which is Monday today now.)  I ended up asking for a sleeping pill and crying myself to sleep.  I was suppose to be released at 11:30am so I called my dad and told him to pick me up around then.  There was a bunch of drama crap which doesn’t even seem important right now that resulted in me finally getting home at 2:30pm.  In between was communication I’d be leaving around 1 so when I went to lunch I only had some veggies because the rest the food sucked and I thought I’d go out to eat or get something good when I got home.  Long story short my dad got me at 2:30 asked me if I was feeling better, I said pretty much the same stupid small talk about meds on the way home.  Went in the house mom asked how I was said pretty much the same.  Since then dad has been on and off both the computer and the phone for business but mostly pleasure.  Mom is in her room as predictable.  Dad knew all I had at lunch was broccoli no offer of food or anything.  I’m watching Dexter the only semi-positive thing of the day.  I don’t feel like eating, or being out of bed, or even existing for that matter- same as before.  I’m sitting here crying writing this blog as my mom is in her room and my dad outside on the phone with a friend.  One of the main reasons I went to the hospital was because I wasn’t taking care of myself, my family mostly dad picks up the slack when I get this depressed.  He’s been busy with business stress at least that’s how I have excused his behavior.  Maybe he’s not talking to me or making dinner plans to stop “spoiling” or “babying” me I don’t know.  Maybe when he asked the 17 year old cashier when he called if she was okay and then said “are you sure?  you want to talk about anything?”  Maybe its me over reacting all over again.  All I know is I want to kill myself right now- seriously just be done with it, those I am living for do not understand, do not care, or something is just plain fucked up with them.  It’s just a cycle till I get out but I have no one else so I stay, I tried getting out before a couple times.  Don’t worry all I won’t kill myself although I do plan on some serious ranting at my appt Wednesday which just may end up getting me re-hospitalized.  I’m either going to go cut away the pain or take some Nyquil.  I’ll catch up with the blogs later.

Depression and wisdom from teenagers

11 Jun

Feeling a bit better.  I wrote my last post from my iPad in my room.  I was upset at my parents and their behavior.  My sister ended up calling me and calming me down a bit.  I got out of bed and took a bath, first time since Saturday.  We went and got ice cream and dropped by her house to see the dog.  She didn’t have a good day either but because of work.  I don’t really write posts when I get super depressed because I just feel so blah and have nothing to say.  Also I don’t have much energy.  Most of today and Sunday was like this.  It’s been my mood disorder depression: where I’m not hungry, tired all the time, no energy, no motivation, feel flat or blah.  Then it turned into my personality disorder like depression: suicidal, can’t quit crying, hopeless, helpless, wanting to self harm, disappointed, hurt and angry.  Today was the first day I really noticed the difference between the two depressions.  I also noticed some other interesting stuff between the two.  I’m not as dangerous with the mood one as I have no energy or motivation really to take action, but am with the personality.  Also with the mood one it seems nothing can really pull me out, I tried and stayed out of bed all yesterday, tried to keep busy, all that stuff and it just stayed on.  I guess these depressions just last until they are done.  The personality ones though can normally be influenced by other people’s actions or lack of action.  I know it’s not fair to expect people to pull me out of these depressions it just seems so much sometimes.  I also notice there seems to be a time where they kind of overlap but I haven’t thought enough about those times yet.  I also realized that eventually I’m going to have to let myself get angry and express myself or they are just going to keep doing this.  I need to learn to speak up and stand up for myself, what’s ironic about this is I realized this through a teenager.  I’m not trying to say anything bad about teenagers just that I’m older and still haven’t learned it.  But then again she is also a very mature teenager who has lots of life experience to back her up, so I can let myself off the hook a little.

Oh yeah and my sister wanted me to write this:  We went out to ice cream, she had a bad day at work and was cranky because she was hungry.  (All her words) I had only eaten two biscuits and a bowl of cereal but just ordered ice cream, that hunger/appetite from the depression.  She ordered real food and ice cream.  Mine came first as it is easier to make, and I offered her a bite because I knew how hungry she was.  She wanted me to put this here.

8 May

Last Thursday was my last day of sign, making today my first day of the end of school even though I do have class tomorrow and my final on Monday.  It is so hot here, it was like 95 today I hate the summer.  I’m always hot, sweat, and uncomfortable and don’t have as much to entertain me.  I am planning on taking summer school but it doesn’t start until June 11th and May 14th will be my last official day of Spring semester.  I’ve been trying to make myself get up and just get on with the day whether with tutoring, doctor appointments, or family/friend gatherings.  I’m not wanting to do this anymore and it’s practically my first day.  I did go to DBT today and went out to lunch with my mom, other than that I’ve been in bed all day.  Last night things got bad again and I had to leave the house.  i have a feeling tonight will repeat itself.  I’m thinking about taking Nyquil, like I did last night but it gives me a numb ick feeling the next day.  I feel like no one cares, that I’m in this on my own.  I feel like that consistently to some degree but right now it is to a point where I’m getting extremely hopeless and just wanting to give up.  Not only does no one really get it but they aren’t make any effort to “get it.”  I’m honestly thinking about going to crisis residential after my final on Monday, I’ll see if thought sticks or not.  I’d rather just self-harm and be “okay” for awhile but I’ll probably regret that later and I think I’m at a place where I wouldn’t be in control while cutting.