Tag Archives: hallucinations

Quiet

7 Nov

It’s been interesting lately.  And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water.  I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me.  About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.)  The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes.  The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual.  Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance.  I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic.  Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief.  I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices.  My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices.  All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades.  I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping.  I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away.  This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend.  Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.

27 Oct

The transphobic narrative from practically everywhere and the voices are teaming up, even though at this point I am coherent enough to know this it doesn’t help much.  Hearing voices in your head saying your baby nephew is going to die because of how you identify and the changes you are making in your life.  I’m not sure how far the psychosis will go, if I can bargain with it, even if I want to.  I took an extra half of my anti-psychotic so hopefully that helps and a Valium because the words were so upsetting.

I don’t know if I want to bring this up in counseling tomorrow, because I don’t want another reason for them to cross contaminate the gender identity with my legitimate mental illnesses and screw up my process and progress for transitioning.  I also don’t want to end up in the hospital before my last midterm, which is next Tuesday.  If the voices are still there in the am, I’m going to take another extra 1/2 of my anti-psychotic in addition to my regular dose I am still taking.

I wish I could get my studying done that needs to be done for tomorrow mornings midterm.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  All I can do now is wait and I have my ear phones in blasting music, blocking the voices till hopefully the meds kick in.   Then I can study, they don’t even have to go away completely, just I need to be calm enough to study and not as loud and distracting voices.

Last night

4 Jan

Oh my God, last night was terrible.  I was up to 2am with night hallucinations/sleep paralysis.  I would wake up out of it and then slip right back into it.  I eventually got up and took some Valium and thought about taking some Prazosin, since it’s for night terrors and those are aspects of them.  Just when you think things are semi-under control. 😦

Sometimes life is so frustrating

16 Dec

I know that I have a lot of issues and most of them are modge-podged.  When I get stressed out of triggered, different symptoms present themselves.  It’s frustrating because it seems like to me there is something underneath that needs to be processed, but I don’t know what it is or how to access it.  So I continue to do damage control when the symptoms surface.  Living life seems to be about crisis management and I’m sick of it.  But I don’t know what to do.  I can’t “pick” something arbitrary and not know if it is it or not.  Also I get the impression that if there is something to work on or process, it’s about doing only that thing and working on only that!  I have 4 diagnosable mental illnesses and many of symptoms that aren’t prevalent enough to have a current diagnosis of them.  It’s like working on the voices, even that there are 4 sets of voices (if you count the externals)!  Everything seems so insurmountable!

Yesterday I took the extra Latuda because one of the main things that was bothering me was the voices.  It was two of the sets along with how I was reacting to what they were saying.  I put on my loud music and just tried to drown them out, I haven’t had to do that since starting the Latuda almost two years ago.  I know there was triggers and multiple of those too.  My question is do I even bother bringing it up in counseling Friday.  Part was trigger from a news story on FB, it being finals time, family issues (including feeling like it was left up to me to celebrate her birthday since everyone else had plans) and random past PTSD things.  Along with the voices I was getting visions too, which I guess can be explained as flashes of a scene as an visual hallucination, they go away pretty fast less than 30 seconds usually.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to have to increase my daily dosage of Latuda.

Sometimes life is so frustrating.

Finals week x2

8 Dec

Next week is suppose to be finals week with a final exam for each of my classes, Monday and Tuesday, then I’ll be done. However each class is having final projects this week. I had my Hebrew presentation yesterday, so one down. Today is a one-on-one conversation with my French teacher and Thursday I have to write an essay about aliens in French.

And of course yesterday I got sick, so I have that on top of all these projects and tests. Yesterday I was having another panic about school, transferring, and the future. As well as a huge feeling of insecurity about everything.  I just crawled into bed and didn’t do anything. They (the voices) were talking about how I missed up the presentation because I didn’t talk enough, and that my paper is plagerized, and I was going to fail at all my classes, transferring, relationships, and life in general. It’s hard when you have something saying that in your head over and over and it seems like they know everything. 

I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like the voices are omnipotent, omniscient, and everywhere (can’t remember the omi for that one.)

Nighttime Psychosis

12 Sep

Nighttime is the worse time to deal with psychosis.  I’m usually tired and it’s harder to fight it.  Last night I was having terrible hallucinations that I was in a dark place and wolves were all around me and then it would feel like my covers were being pulled off of me.  Psychosis is not always scary, but last night I was terrified.  I took a Valium and then a message dinged and brought me out of it, then I facebook messaged 20 somethings friend till I passed out.  I was thinking about going to sleep with my mom.  But I prefer my parents think the psychosis is gone totally and completely.  If I had realized it was Friday and not Saturday, I could have gotten an extra Latuda out of my pill chart, but I was confused on the days.

Hallucinations come in many forms and I don’t usually have visual ones.  Most mine are auditory or tactile.

The schizoaffective diagnosis

21 May

Ive been struggling with moods since a child; at 11 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and dysthymia and put on medication. I don’t know when the manic and hypo manic behavior started. Thanks again stupid memory problems. I do know at some point before the bipolar diagnosis I was diagnosed with ADHD along with the depression. I’m also not sure when the psychosis started, specifically the voices. As a kid I knew I was paranoid and prone to magical thinking, but hey I was a kid. The Bipolar diagnoses started somewhere in my 20s probably right around 19 or 20. I was type II then type I then NOS then mixed with psychosis then rapid cycling; I think they tried every possible bipolar diagnosis out on me. But the depressions were the worst and the main feature. Still today after 21 years from my first diagnosis.

I know I was hearing voices at old work. And I sort of remember mentioning to church people I heard voices and they did an exorcism. And my hyper religious stage was before old work. I know I was silent about the voices for a long time. Sometimes dropping hints or talking about a singe episode. But never that I heard voices constantly, that’s just crazy. 

It was February of 2008 when I first got the schizoaffective diagnosis. And I thought what the hell was that. I’d never even heard of it and the closest thing I’d heard of was schizophrenia. I’m not schizophrenic I thought. Well I looked up the diagnosis in my DSM IVTR. I had invested in one after being given so many diagnoses. And strangely enough it fit better than any previous diagnosis. One of the main things that differentiates it from bipolar is the multiple voices, long term voices, and voices not while experiencing a mood episode. Check, check, check. 

Now what did this mean?  I was really scared at first that I had something so closely related to schizophrenia. Schizoaffective is often described as a combo of bipolar (in my case) and schizophrenia. I was afraid I’d lose it all together and end up homeless or in a psych hospital for life. I still have those fears, but way less now. There aren’t many books out there on schizoaffective and few blogs too. I plan on writing a book.

The schizophrenia is the voices, the optical illusions, few visual hallucinations, some tactile hallucinations and the fewest of the olfactory (smell) hallucinations. I have the positive symptoms which means I expire emcee additional things that are not there in life. I can get paranoid and delusional but it’s rare and usually triggered by some major life stressor.

The bipolar is mostly depression. Between medication and life experiences I’m pretty good about not going into full blown mania. My most common hypo manic symptoms are talking to fast and racing thoughts. The depression is horrible still. I’m on 3 different antidepressants right now and a mood stabilizer and I still struggle on a regular basis

My antipsychotic had taken care of most of the voices at least all the ones I think that relate to the schizoaffective. It’s wierd not hearing them. Lonely sometimes. But safer from some of the bad ones. And easier to concentrate without jabbering going on in my head all the time.

It makes me wonder if we’ll ever get the depression under control. I thought I’d have voices for life, I’ve tried at least 8 antipsychotic s. Of course I’ve tried way more antidepressants. But maybe there is hope.

Protected: Past my breaking point

7 May

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Out on a limb

28 Apr

I’ve read two posts that sort of inspired me and made me think.  One was on Dissociative Identity Disorder and the other on Psychosis.  I’ve mentioned that I hear voices and I have divided them into 3 sets: the sides, back 1’s and back 2s.  The sides and back 1s respond to medication and are currently gonee due to the Latuda.  With the sides they have always came and gone and usually responded to a medication increase, these are the command hallucinations and the demeaning ones.  The back 1s never really responded to any anti-psychotics and they were there 24/7, they were mostly neutral or narrating so I didn’t have much problem with them other than it could be frustrating and hard to concentrate.  With the Latuda this is the first stretch I’ve gone without them, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I’ve thought about stopping the Latuda because I kind of miss them.  They also talked to me and were sometimes supportive besides talking to each other narrating and being neutral.

So on to the back 2s the most challenging and confusing of the voices.  They come and go and can also last for stretches but usually not more than a couple days.  Sometimes they’ll pop up say something for a minute or so and then disappear.  Some are quiet and some very loud, all female.  I have hypothesized that they may be dissociated or detached parts of my self.  They’ve been called parts/alters and trauma voices.  Usually only one speaks at a time but there have been screaming matches.  Sometimes warnings, commands, piece of information I don’t really understand, being mean or derogatory, playing on fears; they do a lot of different things.

I read in one of the posts (the one on DID) that her voices/parts are essentially split into two teams with very few being neutral.  I certainly have felt this way before.  I can think of a couple incidences in counseling where it just seemed like everyone was screaming and they thought whoever was the loudest would “win.”  Yeah, I got hospitalized that time but I never really told what the voices were arguing over.  It was one of my triggers and they had different opinions on where the triggers came from and what should be said about them.  Most the back 2s are very untrusting and secretive, they even keep secrets from me.   I’m afraid to go into them and afraid that I’ll be right about them and also fearful I will just be called a liar.  Maybe I’ll feel safe enough one day.  Sometimes there is info on my blog that they say.  The last couple posts on voices were the back 2s.  They know more than me for sure, they are always there watching and waiting even if not talking and it feels like an eerie presence.

The other post on psychosis in general talks about living with it and it being a part of daily life.  Missing the voices and them only not being present when highly medicated.  My voices when having major episodes seem to be getting worse and longer with time.  I’m terrified I will eventually lose it completely and go into a permanent psychosis.  They say schizophrenia is a degenerative illness and I have schizoaffective which is a combo of schizophrenia and bipolar, with a better outcome than pure schizophrenia but worse than just bipolar.

Maybe I have both, now wouldn’t that be something.  One prior therapist had hypothesized that my multiple diagnoses were because different parts had different disorders.  I’m still confused but it gives me something to think about and show other’s perspectives.

Hearing Voices: Triggers Back 2s

19 Apr

Since the back 2’s have just been out recently you’d think it would be relatively easy to do a post on what triggers them.  But really they are my least understood set of voices.  They’re always female but sometimes sound different.  Some of my main triggers for them are uneasy or uncomfortable situations. (Like Thurs/Fri)  Hearing/reading story of child abuse.  Rejection, judgment, or abandonment.  Being exhausted.  Childhood memories or fragments.  Doubt.  There are a number of different theories on these voices most being something related to “trauma voices” and not true psychosis, like the sides.

Others in Series:

Sides

Back 1s