I went to gender group tonight and we were talking about the term trans* specifically with the asterisk and what people thought of it and whether it was inclusive or outdated or whatnot. Most everyone didn’t like it. I don’t really care one way or the other, but was surprised to see people had such strong opinions about it. I think it’s important to have a name for our community that doesn’t just include transgender men and transgender women, but also non-binary people, gender non-conforming people, gender queer, agender, gender variant, and all other people under the trans umbrella. I guess it is outdated, but there isn’t really anything else and I identify as gender variant and that’s not really well knows so I just say under the trans umbrella and then I have to explain what that means.
So I went to gender group tonight on Campus and as I was walking to my car, there was a bicyclist that was riding on the sidewalk. I don’t know maybe they were trying to park their bike, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. So I was trying to cross the sidewalk to get through another walking path when the bicyclist was like “Excuse me, Sir” and we managed not to crash into each other. Which was nice, I’ve already been hit on campus by a bicyclist before. Anyways, Not even wearing my binder or anything. Just normal clothes and my baseball hat and my glasses. But what I noticed it both times I’ve been male gendered I’ve had my glasses on, so maybe I should wear my glasses more frequently.
Things are going well. I’m into my 3rd day of the new quarter here in college. I already like it much better than last quarter. Taking more classes I thrive as the structure helps keep me accountable and busy- last semester there was just too much down time. I bought a binder to begin wearing this year, when it came in the mail and I saw it I was like “Yikes!” it looked so small, especially around the stomach area. I’ve been wearing it for 4 days now; usually only the first half the day while I’m in my classes. There is some discomfort when walking and I can’t slouch, which may be a good thing. But I really like the way I look. I want to buy a few more, as I just bought one since they are sort of expensive and I wasn’t sure how I’d take to it. The thing is it’s really hot, which is fine in this rainy wet weather we are having now, but what happens once hot summers come? I also found new boxer briefs that don’t ride up and practically become like woman underwear. I bought 4 more mens shirts and my dad just gave me some more money for the month. I think I’ll buy another couple shirts.
My classes this semester are 2nd quarter Greek, 4th quarter Spanish, New Testament in Greek, Upper Division Writing, and Gender, Language and Society. There are 5 classes but the New Testament class is just one hour, once a week. I also have an ungraded connection that meets once a week around the common interest of being a Future grad student. I’ll be pretty busy this quarter.
Counseling will probably be cut to every other week so I can go to gender group, also because I’m doing well right now. If I start to have problems we may change apps to Friday or I may go later on Wednesdays and skip Gender group sometimes. When I see the therapist at the end of the month I’m going to ask her AGAIN about when I will have a consult with the gender therapist, I know I was in crisis in November and then in December she had to cancel because she was sick but I’m running out of patience. I just found out today my psychiatrist has a reminder set to have a phone appointment with me on the 20th, then we will talk about reducing the Latuda we had to increase at the end of November because of the psychotic symptoms.
Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better. I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do. Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.
I’m worried about going back home for break. Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms. Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity. But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much. I just don’t want to un-grow.
I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break. I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away. I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.
I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day. I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic. I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women. And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.
It’s been interesting lately. And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water. I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me. About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.) The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes. The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual. Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance. I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic. Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief. I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices. My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices. All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades. I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping. I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away. This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend. Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.
I wonder why I am so insistent (at least right now) to hanging on to some of my female gender identity. I don’t like being a girl. Is it because it’s so familiar? Because I’m so resistant to change in general and this will be a BIG change. Scared of what people will think, especially how the family will react? I’m not sure what it is in me, but it’s worth exploring. I think that’s what I should talk to the therapist about in two weeks. I also worry with what my gender identity is and how that will play out along with my sexuality and I’m trying to work them both out in my head at the same time. I know this is bad for me and I should let the identity figure out first and then sexuality next but I feel like i’m losing time and like most people I want all the answers NOW, lol.
What I’ve been waiting for. Since my case manager told me over a month ago that she wasn’t really qualified to handle the gender identity issues and to talk to the therapist I was angry. It seems everyone defers to the therapist that I see once every 6 weeks. (I see my case manager once a week.) I had also just gotten my ASD evaluation back and we were suppose to go over that. It seems everyone passes the buck to her and I have a harder time opening up to her as I don’t see her as often and haven’t developed as much trust.
Surprisingly things went very well. She has training regarding gender identity issues and is seeing other people with in Kaiser (my insurance.) My fears about not being taken seriously because I don’t fully identify as a trans person were unfounded. She let me know what my insurance covered and was okay with what I said I wanted to pursue, didn’t want to, and was unknown at this time. We talked a little about why it is coming up now, pretty much because I have the independence to be out of my parents house and I don’t plan on moving back. I don’t see my dad taking this well and knowing I won’t have to be around him while doing this transition and adjusting myself makes me able to pursue it. Also now being in the LGBT community I have names and real things attached to feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time, since puberty. The therapist is going to see me in a little over two weeks instead of the typical 6 weeks, which is much of an improvement and practically unheard of wishing psychotherapy in my insurance. She also suggested I check out a support group for trans and gender non conforming people and a local gender center. My first step is to e-mail them and find out times and dates. I hate group things and with my social and awkward problems this will be hard. At least for now it’s just finding out when they meet.
You don’t see inside me
The pain and confusion
The questions and doubts I have
Me trying to keep it together
You don’t see inside me
I hate who I am
But I have to be this for now
So i push and push
I push it away
and do what I have to do
whatever that means
But you can only push so much
and then a crack shows
and you may catch a glimpse
But you don’t see inside me
I’m not even sure what’s there
That’s what happens when you push and push
I can’t see inside me.
I’m thinking more about my gender identity issues and where I want to be in 5 years or more so what I want to look like and how I want to feel about my body and mind. Yesterday I researched top surgery, initially I was just thinking about getting a double mastectomy because I don’t like my breasts. But as I think more and as I explore more I am considering top surgery so if I wan’t to identify more along the male lines I will have a more male looking upper body than just no breasts.
It was interesting that there were two types of surgery depending on how big your breasts are, since mine are C or bigger I would have a certain surgery. I also would need to lose some weight so I have started to exercise and watch what I am eating.
One of the things I’m not looking forward to is that this is something I will need to address with the therapist and I’m not that comfortable with her. Also I only see her once a month and I’m not sure about containing the dysphoria in-between appointments. I also worry working on it will destabilize me and cause me to have to quit UC Davis.