Tag Archives: gender dysphoria

At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

Therapy 11/14/16

14 Nov

I had an appointment with the therapist today.  It went okay I guess.  I looked presentable and I didn’t get hospitalized.  I didn’t tell her how bad things really were but I did tell her all of my symptoms.  She asked if the gender specific therapist contacted me and I said no; she said she’d follow up again and I should get an e-mail.  That will let me know what I will need to do in order to get top surgery.  Looks like I’m going to have to play the game.  I mentioned my dislike of the idea of binding and the likely possibility it will trigger dysphoria and the therapist just made some comments about having to do it.  Maybe when I see the real gender specific therapist I can explain to her what I want and how I identify.  I didn’t go to class today.  I need to get a paper done, that I haven’t started that’s due Friday.  It’s okay I work best under pressure.

Gender identity changes made so far:

  • No longer carrying a purse
  • No longer getting toenails painted
  • Wearing all male clothing
  • Got rid of all female clothing other than bathing suit
  • Got rid of make up
  • Got rid of jewelry other than class ring and sentimental stuff

Today… and no this will not take all the blame

15 Sep

Today I had a counseling appointment and even though my case manager doesn’t really want to address the gender identity issues she today said that my self harm was a result of gender identity and sexuality issues.  I was quick to point out I was self harming before those issues came to light and for other reasons.  I often worry about people taking my biological disorders and my situational life happenings and screwing them up and trying to put something where it doesn’t belong.   I did mention that yes I did self harm on my breasts because I hated them; but I self harmed for a slew of other reasons before I hit puberty (when gender issues came on) and before I met PK (when I started discovering my sexuality).

I’m thinking about using a new name with my new gender variant expression, when I start transitioning more, a nickname my sister has given me that is my initials.  Before I do that though, I want it to be okay with her as it is her nickname sort of and I don’t know how she will feel about being gender variant and I don’t feel right about taking a nickname she gave me and using it; if she takes the transition really badly.  I need to feel her out.  I’m not good at feeling people out.

Poem: You don’t see inside me

30 Jul

You don’t see inside me

The pain and confusion

The questions and doubts I have

Me trying to keep it together

 

You don’t see inside me

I hate who I am

But I have to be this for now

So i push and push

I push it away

and do what I have to do

whatever that means

 

But you can only push so much

and then a crack shows

and you may catch a glimpse

But you don’t see inside me

I’m not even sure what’s there

That’s what happens when you push and push

I can’t see inside me.

Excited new opportunities

27 Jul

I feel like I’m beginning to start a new life coming up soon when I transfer to UC Davis.  Just today I got e-mailed my course syllabus for my summer session class that starts Monday.  Yesterday I selected my student housing apartment and found out who would likely be my housemates.  I’m looking into other therapists to see for the gender dysphoria and other blogs to follow, of people who might be like me.  I picked up my child and adolescent psych records yesterday and will bring them to my counseling appointment tomorrow.  I need to talk to someone about my social functioning and how to deal with that and transitioning at Davis especially since apparently I don’t have ASD, I’m suppose to broach the gender identity topic with the therapist but she will get the ASD evaluation, either way I don’t see her until August 28th.  I will see if my case manager can read the ASD eval and maybe that will help things; I know she doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel qualified to work on the gender identity stuff.  i wonder if the therapist will just refer to another person within Kaiser.  Sometimes A lot of times my health insurance is a joke.