Tag Archives: friendship

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

The weirdness continues

8 Jan

I took my morning medication along with the night stuff I forgot too. Today’s shaping up hard as I feel like there’s a black hole inside me swirling. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure what’s wrong beside the strange feeling. I miss 20 somethings friend even though it’s been like only 24 hours since I talked to him. This move is going to be horrible. I want to cancel the date but then I’d just be home alone Dealing with this sadness and weirdness. I don’t want to fight today.

A bunch of random words

19 Oct

As I wait for the printer to finish printing my reading and for the meds to kick in.  I have attachment issues and I always known I have.  I don’t trust people and it’s hard to let my walls down.  If people don’t know the real me then they can’t hurt the real me.  And then when I do attach it is crazy and I try not to get too overboard now.  But when I do attach it is on a deep level and I get really clingy, needy, and jealous.  I just realized recently that I have this trait in common with lil sis.  I don’t like to admit it when we have things in common.  We both have usually less than a handful of friends we are close too and do the needy, clingy, jealous thing.  Her more the jealous thing, me more the needy/clingy.  She’s pushed a lot of her friends away and so have I.  When I feel like a friendship is going to end I either get obsessively more clingy or upset and break off the friendship before it ends naturally.  I wouldn’t consider any of my past deeply attached friendships able to mend, nor would I want to.  Because by the end I find enough reasons not to like them and to end the relationship.  I keep that close to me and won’t let go and it also keeps me from making new friends.  It seems after each deep friendship ends I go for at least a couple years with no friends, or a few surface level friendships.

I maybe should change my outlook on getting into UC Davis.  I’m happy I have the transfer guarantee but it was/is one of my last choices.  I also got into it straight out of high school which is now 11 years later.  But 20 somethings friend was talking to another mutual friend and he couldn’t get the transfer guarantee.

I’ve been missing sex, which is odd because my sex drive is usually so minimum.  I have thought about getting on the online dating and contacting more people, maybe even starting a relationship or something.  Part of me wonders if this is just me trying to add another stressor to my life since transferring isn’t stressing me out as much anymore.  How my case manager says I keep adding stressors and not really addressing the current ones.  Well, I have counseling tomorrow morning so I’ll ask.

Life has been weird but good weird.

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 1

18 Oct

30 day writing challenge

Day 1: 10 Things that make you really happy

  1. Disneyland
  2. Ice Cream
  3. Good morning texts that let me know people are thinking about me
  4. Appreciation
  5. Comments on my blog/Interaction with other bloggers
  6. Halloween
  7. Naps
  8. When I have ease/success in social situations
  9. Appointments with my case manager (usually)
  10. Doing random acts of kindness

My day today

9 Oct

No this is not one of the meaningful posts coming.  I just wanted to document that I had a good day.  Yesterday was pretty stressful, I decided to come out about my mental illnesses on my main Facebook account.  Most of the replies I got were nice or just “likes.”  I don’t know what I was expecting or the purpose, but it’s out there now.  I also saw 20 somethings friend because this weekend is the Sacramento International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, we met at the theater.  Somethings off, but I don’t want to bring it up.  Silly things like he’s not liking my posts and hasn’t responded to a party invite still.  I’m not sure he even reads this anymore.  I know he is stressed and has a lot going on with transferring too, so I’m trying to chill about it and use opposite action and recognizing some cognitive distortions I have.  I keep trying to convince myself it’s just me and I’m being too insecure and reading in to things.  That’s why I don’t want to bring anything up, it seems when ever I do with anybody all the feedback I get is how I am wrong and they couldn’t see how I’d think that.  Anyways, it’s something I’m putting off but need to do.  Tonight I’m going to the film festival with a different friend from group.  It’s ladies night so the film revolves around lesbian couples instead of gay (like last night) it also features BDSM, actually the film is called S&M Sally.  I’m into that kind of stuff, so it should be interested.  I blog about it sometimes in the password posts.  Most the password posts are about sex or family stuff I’m too afraid to say to the public.  I’m fine giving out passwords, but no one asks anymore.  That makes me think people don’t care and pair it with the decline of comments and likes, well you know where my mind goes.  I saw my psychiatrist today he is impressed with how I’m doing, I didn’t really mention the problems with the BPD or the small issues with psychosis.  He can’t address BPD because it’s not really a med thing and the psychosis is hit and miss and not enough to end me up in the hospital or need extra med increase.  I got two emails from my community colleges today, one from each.  One was informing us a chemistry experiment was going to have a loud boom from a certain time period, so we wouldn’t panic.  The other was about someone who was arrested after making a verbal threat to our campus, he’s in jail on $250,000 bail, it makes me wonder how serious he was.  It also made me fearful that someone could take what I write here as a serious threat and I could get in legal trouble.  I don’t shy away from the fact that the voices tell me to do things but I also really want to hit home I’ve never done anything and always go to the hospital if it gets too much and I’m worried about myself or others.  I mentioned the transferring to my psychiatrist, he prefers I transfer to the closest one and even though it’s about an hour away I can keep my care providers.  Even if I go to the school 2 hours away I can still see them just not as much and it would be tricky if I needed an emergency appointment.  And if I moved to southern California, I’d be in a new district so would have to find completely new doctors.  It’s good information to know, it’s good my psychiatrist is supporting my decision and he asked if I had talked to my case manager about it, which I have.  I’m not going to rule out schools based on his opinions but like I said good to know.  Speaking of transferring starting Oct 1 the state schools are open for application, so I started on the application today and will work more on it tomorrow or Sunday.  It feels so weird planning a future I never thought I would have.

On friendship

11 Sep

This is so me and right at the time when I needed a reminder.
“I used to think that I needed to be friends with everyone. I wanted everyone to like me. But growing up, I realized that no matter what you do, not everyone is going to like you. And not everyone is going to be your friend.”

welcome to my little piece of quiet

cute coupleToday, so much value is placed on having as many friends as possible. If you don’t have hundreds of Facebook friends or Twitter followers, you’re somehow lacking. Quantity is valued over quality. Having lots of connections is desirable. It hearkens back to wanting to be popular in middle/high school. It also seems to be very much part of the extrovert ideal.

I only have a few close friends. But the ones that I do have are supportive and warm. They know when I want to talk and they know when I need space. They’re accommodating and dependable. They don’t drain me when I spend time with them.  I love doing things with them. I’ve opened up to them and shared my insecurities and I’ve found acceptance in their eyes. I’m comfortable with them. I can be silly around them. They can make me laugh until my stomach hurts. They’ve seen my crazy side…

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22 Jul

Back from my counseling session.  This has been a roller coaster week and while I know it wasn’t all to do with me not having Latuda that definitely had an influence.  I’ve felt clearer headed and not as hopeless since re-starting the Latuda.  I had mentioned that on Sunday I was really suicidal but had not done it.  I was really calm about the decision, maybe at peace is the correct term.  Monday night was horrible and I was triggered by something on Facebook which had to do with feeling left out again.  I de-activated my Facebook and was going to swear off group.  I was also planning on taking my entire pill chart (5 days of meds, all that I have accessible) Tuesday evening.  I was going to schedule a blog post to say goodbye.  This suicdality was extremely emotional and desperate though.  Much different than Sundays.  When I realized how serious it was I asked my dad to try and get me some Latuda.  I texted with 20 somethings friend throughout the day.  My dad got it and I took it around noon yesterday.  My mood was already a little better Tuesday night and I went to the fair with my dad and ate there.

Today I woke up, kinda okay and then found out that the trip I was going on with 20 something’s friend had changed and I was hurt, disappointed, and a little angry.  I used some DBT skills which brought down the intensity.  I also feel real proud of me for at least being able to say I wasn’t happy with how it turned out; instead of just pretending like everything’s okay which I normally do.  I was feeling pretty okay on my way to my case manager appointment.  Sometime during the appointment, I just lost it.  I could feel it coming and I was trying not to cry because if I did I knew I’d get hysterical, like I did.  I was talking about not going to 20 somethings group anymore and she was telling me I then needed to make new friends.  It overwhelmed me.  I’m barely getting by with all the changes that are going on now, I know I need to prepare so that when those supports dwindle something is in place but I’m just too upset and trying to keep it together of those changing.  She said that I probably didn’t mean for him to get this close to me and I didn’t.  I think I know why now.

Anyways, she just let me cry awhile why I talked about my sister’s fertility appointments and going on a tour of the campus 20 somethings friend is planning on going to.  She said it was good that I was being supportive while I knew it would change things.  I talked a little about the whole acquaintance small talk theory she had last week and how it failed miserably as the acquaintances but friendships of other people before me and postponed or just didn’t contact me.  Another reason I said I’m done with FB and group.  And also I don’t see the big point of having these insignificant relationships.  The girl that was suppose to hang out with me Monday and never contacted me, did today asking if I wanted to have lunch tomorrow.  I’m just not going to respond, I can’t handle that right now.

Alright I think I’m going to go cry some more.

Trying to be mature- DBT Skills

22 Jul

It’s been a rough past couple of days.  I’m out of the heightened suicdality and voices but still feeling down and extremely vulnerable.  Me and 20 somethings friend are suppose to go on a road trip to San Diego to check out the school he is thinking about transferring to.  This is hard in the first place but I’m trying to be supportive.  We were also going to visit a friend from group who moved to LA.  Now this friend is driving with us and staying pretty much the whole time, except for the ride back.  I’m super bummed.  The borderline in me just says to cancel even going, that he has this friend and he doesn’t need me.  The other urge is to get him to not let this extra friend come.  I’m trying to be mature and use by DBT skills.  Unfortunately we haven’t started interpersonal effectiveness yet so all I have is emotion regulation and distress tolerance.  I’m trying opposite action and just trying to stay calm and not get angry.  I’m also going to fill out an observe/describe sheet to see if I can get my hurt feelings to go down in intensity.  Sometimes I want to revert to an earlier me, because it is so much easier.  At least I kinda said my feelings.

Left out again

16 Jul

I don’t get the joke. I’m not “in” with the cool kids. I feel like an idiot. Just a prop in a play. I try to pretend it’s all okay. Make conversation. But when a group is planning an outing in front of you, it’s hard. I guess I’ll never be “in” with the cool kids ever again. But I want it so bad. Triggered so I take Valium, it’s better than being awake and alone with my thoughts.

Coping or change? & Projecting the future

4 Jul

Tonight I had a 4th of July party with some of my friends from the 20 somethings group coming.  Last year’s party was out of this world and I was trying not to set myself up for disappointment this year.  I even debated having the party because I was sure it wouldn’t live up to last year.  And it didn’t but it was still a great party.  So I’m glad I had it.

There were a lot of couples at the party so that was interesting, but people mixed okay.  I felt a little awkward at points but that’s the norm with me.  Somehow and I think part way into a discussion people were talking about change and coping.  One guy was mentioning how he tends to be shy naturally but “changes” to be extroverted so he has friends.  Another person said this was coping.  I’m naturally an introvert and it takes a lot of energy and comfort to try and go to social events.  It’s easier if I’m hosting, that’s my way of meeting in the middle.  Just last session my case manager was talking about how I’m not naturally a social/extroverted/outgoing type of person and everyone (even her) has push me to be one.  Have I magically changed into one of those people from hosting and attending events?  Nope, I’m less anxious some times but I cope.  I do it because having a social network is important to me, whether the friends are on a more superficial level or a deep close friendship.  I do it because I know how easy it is for me to isolate myself and then feel even more lonely and depressed.  And I do it because that’s what I am “suppose” to do.

I’m not sure what will happen when I’ve run this course with my 20 somethings group.  In my age range people are more about settling down, starting families, or developing careers.  If I end up moving out with the girl, which a lot of stuff has to pend I expect I will still have some contact with people from group; even if I’m not attending regularly.  I don’t know how I feel about this yet.  I’m also not sure what will happen when 20 something’s friend moves, obviously we won’t be able to have as close as a friendship as we do now.  But it’s hard for me to think about trying to make a new best friend- I have high standards and tend to trust slowly.

But if I move out and start dating more seriously, maybe I’ll settle down and she will also fill that “best friend” role.  I know I am projecting things that are out of my control.  But thinking and planning ahead makes me less anxious.  So far I’ve asked 20 somethings friend and my sister what they think about the moving out possibility and have gotten their feedback.  Both seem to be positive with some reservations, each one being concerned about different things. This week I’ll be at the NAMI national conference so the week after that I will see my case manager and ask her opinion.  Then I’ll probably mull it over for another week before even presenting the proposition to the girl.  And it kind of frustrates me I’ll do all this and she may not even be interested.  But I have some back up people in mind…