I took my morning medication along with the night stuff I forgot too. Today’s shaping up hard as I feel like there’s a black hole inside me swirling. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure what’s wrong beside the strange feeling. I miss 20 somethings friend even though it’s been like only 24 hours since I talked to him. This move is going to be horrible. I want to cancel the date but then I’d just be home alone Dealing with this sadness and weirdness. I don’t want to fight today.
No this is not one of the meaningful posts coming. I just wanted to document that I had a good day. Yesterday was pretty stressful, I decided to come out about my mental illnesses on my main Facebook account. Most of the replies I got were nice or just “likes.” I don’t know what I was expecting or the purpose, but it’s out there now. I also saw 20 somethings friend because this weekend is the Sacramento International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, we met at the theater. Somethings off, but I don’t want to bring it up. Silly things like he’s not liking my posts and hasn’t responded to a party invite still. I’m not sure he even reads this anymore. I know he is stressed and has a lot going on with transferring too, so I’m trying to chill about it and use opposite action and recognizing some cognitive distortions I have. I keep trying to convince myself it’s just me and I’m being too insecure and reading in to things. That’s why I don’t want to bring anything up, it seems when ever I do with anybody all the feedback I get is how I am wrong and they couldn’t see how I’d think that. Anyways, it’s something I’m putting off but need to do. Tonight I’m going to the film festival with a different friend from group. It’s ladies night so the film revolves around lesbian couples instead of gay (like last night) it also features BDSM, actually the film is called S&M Sally. I’m into that kind of stuff, so it should be interested. I blog about it sometimes in the password posts. Most the password posts are about sex or family stuff I’m too afraid to say to the public. I’m fine giving out passwords, but no one asks anymore. That makes me think people don’t care and pair it with the decline of comments and likes, well you know where my mind goes. I saw my psychiatrist today he is impressed with how I’m doing, I didn’t really mention the problems with the BPD or the small issues with psychosis. He can’t address BPD because it’s not really a med thing and the psychosis is hit and miss and not enough to end me up in the hospital or need extra med increase. I got two emails from my community colleges today, one from each. One was informing us a chemistry experiment was going to have a loud boom from a certain time period, so we wouldn’t panic. The other was about someone who was arrested after making a verbal threat to our campus, he’s in jail on $250,000 bail, it makes me wonder how serious he was. It also made me fearful that someone could take what I write here as a serious threat and I could get in legal trouble. I don’t shy away from the fact that the voices tell me to do things but I also really want to hit home I’ve never done anything and always go to the hospital if it gets too much and I’m worried about myself or others. I mentioned the transferring to my psychiatrist, he prefers I transfer to the closest one and even though it’s about an hour away I can keep my care providers. Even if I go to the school 2 hours away I can still see them just not as much and it would be tricky if I needed an emergency appointment. And if I moved to southern California, I’d be in a new district so would have to find completely new doctors. It’s good information to know, it’s good my psychiatrist is supporting my decision and he asked if I had talked to my case manager about it, which I have. I’m not going to rule out schools based on his opinions but like I said good to know. Speaking of transferring starting Oct 1 the state schools are open for application, so I started on the application today and will work more on it tomorrow or Sunday. It feels so weird planning a future I never thought I would have.
It’s been a rough past couple of days. I’m out of the heightened suicdality and voices but still feeling down and extremely vulnerable. Me and 20 somethings friend are suppose to go on a road trip to San Diego to check out the school he is thinking about transferring to. This is hard in the first place but I’m trying to be supportive. We were also going to visit a friend from group who moved to LA. Now this friend is driving with us and staying pretty much the whole time, except for the ride back. I’m super bummed. The borderline in me just says to cancel even going, that he has this friend and he doesn’t need me. The other urge is to get him to not let this extra friend come. I’m trying to be mature and use by DBT skills. Unfortunately we haven’t started interpersonal effectiveness yet so all I have is emotion regulation and distress tolerance. I’m trying opposite action and just trying to stay calm and not get angry. I’m also going to fill out an observe/describe sheet to see if I can get my hurt feelings to go down in intensity. Sometimes I want to revert to an earlier me, because it is so much easier. At least I kinda said my feelings.