Tag Archives: Focus


7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.


Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

Resource: More on the benefits of Journal Writing

11 Jun

I had written a resource post earlier on the benefits of journal writing which was a handout I had gotten from my health care provider.  Here are 10 of the reasons why taken from that post:

  1. Develops your observation and creative skills in understanding the world around you.
  2. Helps in making your thinking and expression of the world more accurate.
  3. Develops your true feelings and ideas about the world instead of following other’s beliefs/feelings.
  4. Encourages the writer to look for something new every day.
  5. Acts as a coping skill for poor memory.
  6. Helps define goals, values, and ethics in your life.
  7. Can help to define problems, reduce confusion and assist in problem solving.
  8. Help us feel more “in control” of problems by putting them down on paper, rather than worrying about them.
  9. Provides a place to express powerful and uncomfortable emotions rather than acting out or bottling them up inside.
  10. Provides a sense of “consistency” in your life by showing similarities, cycles, and patterns.

I also just recently came across an article titles Journal Writing: 5 Smart reasons why you should start today.  Most of their 5 reasons related to or fell into one of the 10 above.  Of course if you check out the article you can see elaborations on these 5 reasons.

1  Journals help you have a better connection with your values, emotions, and goals  (like #6)

2. Journals Improve mental clarity/help solve problems/improve overall focus  (like #1, 2, and 7)

3. Journals improve insight and understanding (like #1, 2, 3, and 10)

4.  Journals track your overall development (like #10)

5.  Journals facilitate personal growth (like #1, 2, 3, 6 and 10)

Pressuring Myself

7 Sep

I feel this intense need to accomplish something now.  This has been going on for about a year now.  I can’t seem to focus on what it is I want to accomplish- generally focusing on many things at one time.  I feel like I’m losing opportunity.  I’ve messed up enough, and I need to get things straightened out.  It seems like now or never, literally in my head.  Like if I don’t get serious about graduating college, I’ll have to explain why it was at an older age.  If I go longer with the job gap (and can’t explain student); I’ll never have experience to get hired for a real job.  If I don’t get any experience in relationships, it’ll be harder as I get older (more people taken and people with more experience than me.)  If I don’t/can’t get out of this house soon, I fear I never will.  If I can’t stay out of the hospital for a substantial period of time, I’ll never make it in the world.  If I don’t learn skills and be able to manage all that is me, none of those things will be possible.  I’m running out of time.  Seems if I’m not something by a certain age I never will be.  Then to give up then.   If I know I can’t do it; why wait until then?  People think I’m pressuring/being too harsh with myself.  I need to let it go and what if I fail, or get dropped from classes, or get hospitalized again, or….

To them it’s no big deal, but to me it seems like a matter of life and death.

When people just don’t understand…

30 May

I wasn’t having the best day.  I woke up and was determined to just plug through it the best I could.  I woke up early again like 4am, and got on the computer there wasn’t much else to do at the time so I did a little Facebook and Farmville.  I texted my sister because she had bought me a gift card I was going to give to someone else and I needed her to bring it by on her way to work.  By around 9am I was back in bed, just tired not really because of being too overwhelmed or depressed.  My sister called me back to let me know she was working from home, she could tell I was sleeping so she just told me to text her when I got up.  I did and she called and said she would be coming over later like 3pm and was going to work like crazy to hopefully get some sun.  My sister has a bad concept of time and is late for everything, also lately with work something else comes up and she can’t come until later or sometimes not at all.  She told me 3pm and was going to tell herself 2pm, her words.  I read some of a book called The Defining Decade and it talks about how your 20’s are some of the most important time of your life.  FYI, I’m 29 and will be 30 in November.  It had me sad and motivated at the same time.  My illnesses really took on full force at about 21 or so and I’ve spent most of my 20’s it seems just trying to survive the best I can.  It got me motivated because I still have a lot of the opportunities because I’m not yet tied down by a relationship, kids, or a career.  I actually looked on craigslist for tutoring jobs.  I’ve tutored a number of people, normally I don’t charge it gives me something to do and I like giving back.  I didn’t fill out the application or anything yet, but bookmarked the site and am going to run it by my case manager.  I worked on my Legos as it requires a lot of focus and if things are bugging me it helps not to be able to dwell on it.  I finished one whole level, the building is 4 levels.

I also read some of a book I had picked up at Barnes and Nobles with my gift card from Christmas.  It is called Get out of your mind and into your life.  It was on sale and was about the new Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or ACT) which my DBT leader is constantly talking about.  I did some of the exercises and learned a lot.  One thing I was to share in specific is that the book talks about the pain of presence and the pain of absence.  The pain of presence is normally the big factors, things that tend to persist even with efforts to change them.  The pain of absence is usually the things you don’t do because of the pain of presence that just add more pain to the problem.  An example is social anxiety being a pain of presence and the pain of absence would be wanting meaningful social relationships but avoiding them because of the social anxiety.  From the little I’ve read of the book so far it seems the goal is to work on the pain of absence and accept the pain of presence.  I am a person that tends to focus on the pain of presence because to me it seems the root of the problem and if I could just figure it out all the pain of absences that are connected to it would also be gone.  Also it seems more debilitating then the pain of absence.

My sister did end up coming over (even on time!) but when she got here my mom came out of her room and wanted to talk so it seemed like she was interrupting me and I just got tired of it and let her do her talking and interacting.  My mom rarely talks or interacts with me so that made it even more irritating.  Later on my dad got home and pretty much did the same thing.  Then my parents and my sister started talking about the neighbor and her work situation.  She has a good paying job that she hates, it is a entry level type job that doesn’t require a degree though she has one.  She also gets benefits.  They were all talking about how she is lucky and  unappreciative of what she has.  They went on to talk about the pay, benefits, an entry level job, and not needing degree; also how having a job in this economy is a blessing in itself.  My sister did mention a few of the drawbacks though.  Then my parents got to going on about how no one likes their jobs and it is just what we do and on and on, when I tried to explain why she was potentially so unhappy.  I tried to back her up a bit and then was about to get angry and was on the brink of tears so I got out of the pool and went inside.  I understand a lot of people don’t like their jobs and that there are a lot of different reasons why.  My parents were making it seem like no one wants to work they just do it because they have to.  I want to work but am unable to at this point because of my functionality with the mental illnesses.  I understand how being in certain jobs can drain you or make you feel less competent then you are.  I understand that a lot of people can’t make ends me when doing something that they love to do.  My family knows I’m sensitive about the whole work thing.  They don’t understand why or how much really.  I was probably crying for about a half hour in my room before my sister came in.

Watering seeds and other Tuesday Thoughts

24 Jan


I was having a not so good day again yesterday, that’s why the 30 Day’s of truth both came on today.  I forwarded the blog address of my a bit up an update post https://mm172001.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/a-bit-of-an-update/  to my case manager yesterday.  This would be my last week to drop classes with a refund and I was still thinking about dropping classes.  My case manager wrote back an interesting response most of which I didn’t understand or disregarded, all I took out was to go to class.  And I did.  This morning was having cutting urges and had to drag myself to DBT Skills class and it was canceled.  I also didn’t want to explain why I was going when I said earlier I was stopping because of a conflicting class.  Anyways I’m on a Tyler Perry mailing list, I like him and his movies, the link above to the video was in yesterdays e-mail.  I liked the part about him talking about having a bunch of different seeds and spreading the water out and to concentrate on one. I thought that was very good advice.  Now I just need to decide on my seed… hmmm

Sept 2nd Update

2 Sep

Shortly after I wrote the previous blog, I went to go lay down and just try to relax.  I got incredibly suicidal incredibly quick.  I ended up having to leave the house as there are many sharp things in it and some ropes, and no one to stop me.  I may have just taken tools to hide under my bed or something my mind was going a million miles an hour with possibilities.  I knew I had to get out of the house to be safe.  I ended up getting in my car and driving 1/2 hour to the ice cream place.  Driving helps because it requires me to focus on it not other things.  I called my case manager and left a message, didn’t know if I should call the other number wasn’t sure if it was an “emergency.”  When I got to ice cream she called back and said something about how when we agree I’m doing better shortly after I do worse. Part of the problems is most the time I’m not revealing all that is going one, which is evident even in last night’s post- just touched on Kaiser and that was it.  There was also the fact that I tried to reach out 5 times to get someone to go eat with me and got rejected each time.  Also I hadn’t eaten and had a headache.  There is always more than is seen. Anyways after I ate my ice cream I still didn’t think I was calm or safe enough to come back to the house.  I went to Barnes & Nobles and looked at books.  I just got home and got my stuff together for camping.  I really should take a bath but that is when I cut and am not in a place where I want to risk that.  I think I’m doing pretty good; I left the environment, reached out for support, stayed out until I felt it was safe to come back, didn’t end up cutting as a means of dealing with the suicidal thoughts.  Progress.  After all it is only the 2nd of September and it would be stupid to cut this early in the month when I am trying to stop completely.  Please be a good labor day weekend, Marci needs a break.

Mixed up

17 Aug

Today I had an emergency counseling appt.  I’ve been having it for a while and more so the last week.  The thing with my sister threw me over the edge.  I ended up cutting, and also on my arm to either make some kind of statement or get hospitalized.  I feel less and less sure of myself.  Things seem out of control and I know I’ve made it through rough times, I’m just beginning to doubt myself which is not a good feeling. School gives me focus, it also provides a relief from home.  We talked a lot about the two worlds I go back and forth to and how it is affecting my mental health and what it could do in the future.  A lot of talk came up about my “psychotic features.”  We talked about owning things and it being okay to dislike people. I’m not comfortable with than but I think I’ll work on traits I dislike in certain people not just the whole person.  I spent most the time crying, which has been typical in and out of session.  I know I need to focus on things to help me deal with whatever is going on, it seems like hiding from the problem but maybe to deal with it later, when not so hyped up?  I was walking out of the office, there are the whole adult psych department in this center and I see my psychiatrist which says something about how it went. I made some smart ass comment about how does it look, said hard because he wasn’t getting the comment.  He said sometimes those are the most helpful.  I’m a mix of things right now, very mixed up.  I still have my appt. Friday which I am really thankful for in case more shit goes down.  The family was supposed to go camping but my sister and her boyfriend backed out, and my other sister and I could only be there part of the time.  Mom went angry I guess (thank god I wasn’t here) and canceled the whole thing, now I don’t know what we are doing…  Just make it to Monday Marci

I may do part 2, later too mixed up to make coherent sense right now.

I’m afraid to publish this.

4 Jun

I’ve been thinking a lot lately as I’ve said in numerous posts. I did end up dropping summer school, so I can go to my weekly DBT skills class. I am still kind of foggy about where I want to go and how I want to get there. Here is what I think so far:

Eventually I’d like to go back into Early Childhood Education, but know that will be a process and trying to figure out what I need to get there and having the courage to take some of the steps, I’d rather just ignore. But this is almost one of my dreams so I can’t just give up on it because it will be uncomfortable, lengthy, and probably painful.

I don’t think I’m going to apply for disability. I think if I do that I may decide that it’s easy and take the easy way out and never work and that will just cause me to get worse as time goes by. I’m going to work on trying to be consistent with the work I’m suppose to be doing for my parents and maybe when I get more stable and reliable I will get a no pressure job, well noting is no pressure; I was thinking something like cashier or fast food restraunt- it will give me some structure, interaction with other people, and confidence (hopefully) that I can work, and I’ll work my way up.

I don’t really know where I’m going in school still, but feel less pressure to make a decision and think it will be for the rest of my life. I figure I’ll be in school for awhile so I’m just going to keep dabbling. Hopefully also staying in school will force me into social situations, create some balance and accountability, and does provide confidence as academics have always been a strength to me. I’d eventually like to transfer to state or private or something, but I think I’m going to wait till where I want to go is clearer.

I’m beginning to see what I do right and wrong in interpersonal relationships. How my expectations are wacky most times. Learning when and when not to say things, how much to reveal and the journey of doing that. Rebuilding trust and the fact that everyone isn’t that bad. Learning how to reach out for help and taking note of when I do or don’t and how it works to store for later knowledge. Accepting support and help from people without being suspicious, probably one of the hardest things for me.

I didn’t cut today, I haven’t all month granted it has only been 4 days but that’s a start. I’m making a commitment I figure I’ll slip up, but I don’t want that to mean it’s over now and I give up and can cut whenever I want now. I’m going to put a real effort into this. Even with the 4 days there have been difficult situations I’ve made it through. Which leads me to my next topic.

I’m going to try to be nice to myself. When I do something good to give myself credit. To listen to others support and positive feedback, without arguing. Trying to realize certain people aren’t going to change and I have to deal with that, it’s them not me. Obviously cutting isn’t nice that’s why it falls in too. The other is negative self talk: I get down on myself, call myself names, criticize everything I do, blame myself.

Anyways the reason “I’m afraid to publish this” is because now that I have it in writing I feel like it’s written in stone. What happens if one area doesn’t work? How long will it take? What about when I make mistakes, I surely will everyone does? Will people look down on me if I can’t do the things I’ve set out to do? Will people even care about what I’m doing, and how can I handle that? I guess that’s all the answers and questions along the way.

Tuesday’s Updates

1 Jun

I was extremely anxious for the first part of the day for some reason.  At 10am I had my DBT skills class there were only 5 of us today.  We were suppose to focus on the topic of wise mind.  We got off topic twice and didn’t really focus on that.  The last and longest thing we focused on that wasn’t planned was due to me.  Pretty much the topic was about reasonable mind helping out emotional mind to get to the wise mind, a common problem for Borderlines.  I had my experience Wednesday that was the opposite I was fully in reasonale mind and had pretty much shut off my emotions and became detatched and cold.  She said something about me using the word should and thats when it dawned on everyone what I was talking about.  Since we were talking about suicidal ideation, she had to give the normal “do you know what to do if you are having serious thoughts…”  I answered with the typical typed out and written response to the word, the group members got it and thought it was funny.  I can’t say I really took out a lot of information today but it helped the anxiety subside some how.  Oh yeah, and our homework is to watch the season finale of Oprah.

Next appt was with Psychiatrist.  Talked about strange things like usual.  In the end we decided n0t to do anything to the meds at this point and he genuinely said we need to meet more often and to get the next avaliable appt. I went to reception and said that she replied “June 1st oh wait thats too early”  We both laughed.  My next appt is in mid July.

I didn’t end up going to the support group, instead I went to dinner with my mom to one of my favorite places, Black Angus, and had a good time.  I got home and was talking/texting/facebooking four people at the same time.  I ended up going out to dinner with a friend just for the social aspect.  Possibly may have weekend plans with a different friend.  Will go over to my Sister’s tomorrow to do my “homework.”  And trying to express to another friend how I appreciated his initiating of social events. I’m a little hyper now, talking more and fast but not to concerned-i’m sleepy

Till tomorrow.

Protected: Update: Another Hard day

27 May

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