Tag Archives: flashbacks


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

When it’s your normal

17 May

So I found myself explaining body memories of PTSD last night.  And while I am somewhat use to them, it’s been about 6 years since the intense ones and I know why they happen and I separate the visual/emotional flashbacks with the body one’s so it’s not bad.  But I’m aware and it’s my “normal” I for the most part know what causes them, can stay away from them and have skills to cope with them.  I also have skills to cope with the other aspects of PTSD some better some worse and some I don’t know as well because I don’t understand them and they are triggered out of the blue it seems and I can’t connect or prevent it necessarily.  But anyways, I find people react like oh “that sounds scary,” “you’re so brave” “how do you handle that” etc. not just with PTSD but a lot of mental illness and for the most part I’m like this is my normal, it’s what I’m used to, it happens a lot.

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.

I don’t really understand

28 Sep

Today was counseling and I was trying to give her the round up of what happened since I saw her last.  That’s how things usually start.  And normally when she asks how I am I say up and down…. which is usually accurate.  Last night I was really low and suicidal, she asked how I deal with things and that she doesn’t understand how I can deal with so much for as long as I do.

Right now I got I think she counted 6 stressors going on, though I disagree and have some lumped together.  The main 3 are planning on transferring plus all that that encompasses, friendship with 20 somethings friend, and hosting a Halloween party.  When I didn’t want to work on the stressful things Sunday I decided to organize this party.  I use to be real good at putting things in boxes and coming and going to them on my terms.  Lately it seems things can’t be contained and that’s what happened with the overwhelming yesternight.  She says she thinks my relationship with 20 somethings friend is the safest so that’s why I focus on it so much.  She also said that alone with what’s going on in my world it’s not surprising that I didn’t feel connected.

So she gave me some metaphor of those guys that are spinning multiple plates at a time and spin one when you need to so it doesn’t fall but how to switch back and forth between them mostly at my choosing.  But needing to focus on them, that’s the problem the anxiety gets too big and I find a new project to focus on which then brings new stress.  So I’m suppose to focus on the things I got going know and not add ones.  The other ones are dealing with my two current classes, adding another school to the possibilities (though I think that should fall under transferring umbrella) and family stuff including my dad’s birthday but I didn’t count that either because it has passed.  Oh yeah and the flashback trigger.  Someone can’t count.

I expressed my frustration at not being able to give myself credit for doing the little things I am doing that I’ve never really done before.  I keep seeing them as “little things” that I “should” have already been doing anyways, plus all the other things I need to catch up on.  This is like the stuff talked about in adulting.  Today was suppose to be filled with grandiose plans, plans I made last week but told no one of.  After last nights go I thought I would try to practice self compassion and just make the only things I had to do the counseling appointment and my linguistics class.

Trigger… Back to childhood

27 Sep

Oh no. What’s wrong? What did I do?  What do you mean. I don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever it is. What do I need to do?

To take it’s feet away. 

24 Mar

I read a post yesterday about memory. It was talking about how a lot of memories can’t be fully trusted because most we are remembering as a child. When we re-process we may feel different about the memories and edit small details or content. What the post was trying to show the importance of was to lessen the emotional impact of the memories. And why would you want to know the memories anyways?

I’ve mentioned many times here I don’t have clear memories probably due to the combination of ECT and a chaotic childhood. I want some clarity and some form of closure on past events, specifically childhood. No I don’t want to replay them in my head or have someone to blame. It’s just really important to me and would help me understand some stuff I’m dealing with today. I feel like my memories are cloudy containers of different sizes with arms and feet. I can’t see clearly what’s in the containers and there are multiple. Every now and then they will sneak back into my life and cause havoc. I fight them, get them, under control, tie them up, until they escape again. I wish I could just get rid of their feet. Then I would be in control of when I wanted to access them and when it’s better just put away. 


Feeling nervous

11 Jan

I’ve been doing good since I got out of the hospital in October, almost too good to be true.  In less than a week both my parents will be leaving to go out of the country.  I usually have a hard time when my dad is gone and already made it through a 20 day vacation he was gone for.  My parents want me to stay with my sister, they don’t like me being alone.  I want to prove I can do this.  Only this week the nurses our striking so no one is in the office, and next week I have my first DBT class and see my psychiatrist.  My case manager was all booked up that week and I won’t see her till the 30th and my parents will be back by then.  School is starting and that will mean adjusting and less free time so hopefully I won’t be so bored.  When I’m bored is when my emotions and thoughts run away with themselves.

A couple things that are sort of unrelated from last Friday’s session.  I talked about the flashback happening when I was with my friends at the cabin trip and my case manager said it maybe could have been avoided if I had taken some time out to be alone, because I need that.  Interesting theory but I also know I need connection and time around others, so I guess it’s about finding a balance again.  While gone this weekend to a different cabin trip I had a flashback of new sorts where I heard some of the voices from before.  It was the one that told me to stab myself until I bled to death or passed out from shock.  I know it wasn’t the same voice again, and it sent a shiver down my spin and caused me to sit up real quick.  Then tonight a couple times I’ve heard background noises that aren’t there and my mom calling me when she didn’t.  I wish I didn’t feel so shaky already.

It’s been a week

8 Jan

So it’s been one week into the new year and so far things are going good, mood wise.  I’ve had some bumps with my BPD fears and some flashbacks, but of course nothing is ever perfect.  I start the year long DBT program in less than a week.  Tomorrow is my first appointment with my case manager of the new year.  Things are looking good.


Protected: Aftereffects

28 Sep

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Frankie & Alice

16 Aug

I watched Frankie and Alice tonight.  It’s a movie staring Halle Berry, about a woman who has dissociative identity disorder.  It just adds to my questions.  They show Frankie the main character hearing voices and seeing visual hallucinations of flashbacks from the past.  The voices are either the other two parts of Frankie or other voice hallucination type flashbacks from the past.  The three parts are “Frankie” “Alice” and “Genius.”  There are different races, ages, and even vision problems among the three.  Early on in the movie Frankie hears crying and goes to look around the room.  I hear crying sometimes.  She has a lot more memory loss than I do, which is a main component of DID.  I don’t have much day to day memory loss; though most of the past and childhood are gone.  But the voices are similar.  Another interesting aspect of the movie is there wasn’t sexual or ritual abuse which are the usual causes given for developing DID.  I’ve been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder NOS before.