Tag Archives: feedback

Adults on the Autistic Spectrum

2 Feb

It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks.  Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid.  It’s been fucking with my functioning this week.  I’ve messed up a few social cues.  And I’m curious.  I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough.  I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.

That’s me.  And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc.   I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis.  I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity.  Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff.  But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.



Check your Privilege

6 Mar

We spent the last week in Woman’s Studies talking about inequality and privilege.  This was the one week I didn’t actually do the reading prior to discussion, so it was a bit interesting to me. She told us her story and then had us write down a list of our “privileges” whether they were more of a disadvantage or advantage. I set my sheet up in two columns and was just going through my life and adding things I thought appropriate to each column, some things I was born with or into, some changed in my life and some I didn’t even think or know about, because I hadn’t seen this handy little circle chart but here’s what I put:

Privilege advantages on left

Affluent aka upper middle class– Well my parents are and they are supporting me so I live an upper middle class lifestyle

White-color of my skin when I was born, real pale

American, been here long time- not a new immigrant, no accent, no one questions me

Speaks English– brought up to speak English, also understand Spanish, Italian , ASL & a little French but I’m praised for the English I put no effort into learning not the years of study for the others

I was able to work for a little bit- this is a privilege in-spite of my disability

Intelligence/learning comes easy- access to education, in college, educated

Privilege disadvantages on right

Dysfunctional family– my childhood was chaotic and I have not a clue how to raise a family because I never saw a good model but because they were so good at hiding it society thought we were a model family

Mental illness-severe mental illness starting at age 10 that has required all kinds of treatments including the highly stigmatized ECT “shock therapy” and hospitalizations

Gay– I finally came out at age 28 after battling a lot of homophobia in my family and in religion, not to mention living in a heterosexist society

Sexual assault– something not often talked about but it changes how you see the world and how you feel about your body and control over it

Personality clashes with parents– I think this is typical of most youngsters and now I’m not even sure why I put it on there.   But I didn’t want this to be an “edit”

One privilege I see on the chart that I did not put on here because I hadn’t read it is age. I’m 33 and at community college it’s not too young or too old really, when I transfer in the fall though I think I’ll be on the disadvantage side because of my age being older than the typical state/UC college student.


Feedback in comment section would you like to read more on this topic?

DBT Homework

18 Oct

Our homework this week was to make a list of things we could do to self soothe in regards to interpersonal relationships.  The leaders even said we could make specific lists with specific people.  I’m trying to figure out how to do this homework.  I know he meant it in a way to soothe ourselves rather than getting reassurance or relying on soothing from others.  I was just going through my self soothing in the distress tolerance section and thinking maybe I should just list some of that stuff.  Thoughts?

Realizations, questions, and progress

8 Sep

So I had DBT tonight and we were talking about assertiveness within the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness.  This is where I dropped out years ago, so I don’t know a lot about Interpersonal effectiveness.  I’m not an assertive person, mostly passive sometimes passive aggressive.  We learned some acronyms depending on what your priority is in the interaction.  I’ll do a separate post on that later.  I’m not a good communicator.  Tonight I kinda figured out why, I asked how to be assertive and use the DEAR MAN skills with someone who can be super aggressive and verbally attacking you.  They pretty much said you can’t, I told them how I maneuver around it using my sister as a mediator.  They said that was effective and skillful and I should take credit for it.  I was surprised.  So one parent can be verbally abusive/aggressive and the other is kinda on her own planet/neglectful- this was especially true growing up it’s a little better now.  No wonder I never learned to communicate, I was kind of in impossible situations.  Now I can try it but with more receptive people and maybe some with my parents if they are willing to engage.

I had an academic advising appointment this morning, two actually but the second got canceled due to jury duty.  I theoretically could transfer to a four year university in Fall 2016.  Am I ready?  I don’t know, I feel like I’d need to do some serious work to be ready in a year, but do I really want to waste an extra year when everything’s already completed?  Just to be safe?  Will I get complacent and never go?  Is the time now?  Am I stable enough?  What about moving and insurance and medication and therapy?  Can I line that up in a year?  I’m considering it, any readers opinions or tips would be awesome.

The side voices were episodic voices they mostly had to do with suicidal and homicidal things, a specific trigger was school shootings (no idea why).  Since being on Latuda there have been a couple school shooting and no re-emergence of the voices.  I was hesitant and you never really know when they’ll show up.  But I was happy a usual trigger wasn’t applicable anymore.  Last Thursday there was a shooting on one of the campuses I attend, I attend my classes Monday and Wednesday though.  Full lockdown, one dead, 2 more injured, and they still haven’t caught the other person involved.  Turns out they all knew each other and the 3 victims were students leaving their classes.  So it happened on campus and wasn’t planned.  But still no voices!!! I’m stoked and now think that they may never return.  That’s progress!

This is for me

16 Jul

I started this blog as a place for me to write.  I never expected as many followers that I have.  I never expected anyone to read my stuff.  I’ve had this blog for a little over 4 years now.  I’ve seen people come and go.  I’ve made friends, I’ve even shared it with a real life friend.  When I began this blog I solely wrote for me.  I got comments every now and then but I didn’t respond.  I didn’t understand the aspect of community.  I’m bad with communication online and in real life.  Now sometimes I write for other people, on topics I think need bringing up, or to get likes, or to get comments, or validation.  Now sometimes I judge my posts on likes, comments, re-blog, etc.  It shouldn’t be like this.  I want this to be a personal space where I can write whatever I want about me personally but also give resources and have commentary with other bloggers.  My views compared to my comments are very disproportionate.  Why aren’t people talking back to me?  Should I ask more questions to be interactive?  Or do you like it as it is?  What about my blog FB page?  I can’t help but care/wonder what people think.  Please give me your feedback.

What is it

20 Jun

I’ve blacked out a few times. Once I woke up with a bottle of pills in my car in the parking lot of Walmart. Another time I woke up in the morning with several cuts on my upper stomach and blood on my shirt.   I’ve “lost” my scissors (one of the things I use to cut with) then vaguely remember they’re in the bathroom in a box with bubble bath and stuff, easy to find. I’ve also blacked out and woke up in the hospital. There’s probably other times too, but these are the most memorable.

I don’t drink and have never tried any drugs, even marijuana. My case manager said something about sensory overload and I just black out. I think it more likely has to do with stress, extreme emotions, or dissociation. Anyone else have these blackouts? I’m scared of what I could do, when I’m not really aware of it.

What do you look forward to reading

18 Jun

Please take my poll and feel free to comment about other things you enjoy seeing on my blog.

Feedback: Voices

16 May

I’ve heard voices for sometime and they come in sets.  I have usually tried to ignore all the voices except the back 2s because they were nice, neutral, or narrating most the time.  Arguing with the side voices would just aggravate them and they’d get louder and more convincing.  Both those sets of voices are no longer around.  However, the back 2s are still here, and I’m not even 100% sure what they are, why they come and go, and why they don’t seem to respond much to anti-psychotics.  A friend suggested maybe I talk to them.  I was always afraid to, because it makes them seem more real, and me more crazy.  I’m also afraid I will get caught up in their reality and lose mine.  Plus some of the stuff they say is scary, confusing, or dangerous.  The most I really interact with them is saying I’ll compromise and then doing part of what they say, so they’ll be quieter.  I’ve once or twice wrote a dictation of what they say on this blog.


For those that hear voices, do you talk to yours?  Why or why not?

Even if you don’t hear voices, what is your thoughts on talking to them?


Thanks for your feedback.

After stewing for at least a day

2 Apr

looking for feedback!!!

As someone with borderline personality disorder I know I’m more prone to feelings of rejection and abandonment and act in an all or nothing way. Throw in my avoidant type personality traits and the fears get larger and the willingness to interact less. 

My friends, especially related to the LGBT group, but not exclusively. Have had me wanting to run to the hills and run and hide most often and rarely attack. As I mentioned I had deleted my Facebook because of triggers and put off going to group and even thought about resigning as a facilitator. 

Some how Facebook reactivated my main account and all the events that were canceled were put back in place. I felt weary but you know how I have a sense of obligation and responsibility so I continued with a 3 day cabin trip. Now I had really fun, a blast, probably best one of the three I’ve hosted. But getting there was hell, trying to stay out of crisis residential/hospital, worrying about potential drama situations that could happen, feeling crushed each time someone told me they weren’t coming, wondering if this was all going to blow up in my face. 

I’m glad I went. But now the after effects have set in. Obviously most people who were invited were in group or have some link to it. And twice I was in situations where we were talking about drama and the clique-ness of group. While this was partly good because at least I know I’m not alone in feeling this way it’s also nerve racking because I feel like I should do something. And that bounces back to for me or for the sake of the group. And of course they are intertwined. 

I know myself and I can’t speak for others but it is extremely likely that if I stop going to group I will stop hanging out with any of them except 20 something’s friend. Part of this is because I’ll stop hosting event because I won’t know the current levels of clique-ness and drama and would feel responsible for drama at my events. #2. I think i would stop getting invited to events and judging by people’s posts on Facebook that’s already happening. If I don’t make the effort, no one else will either and I’m to the point where I can’t make that effort anymore because of stress and rejection. And lastly, I’ll stop hanging out with them because that’s how I operate with my personality disorders all or nothing (BPD) or unless I’m sure I’m liked (avoidant). 

So that’s one choice to cut everyone/everything out. Which will cause sadness and all but when I get over it I’ll be over it. 

Another choice is to keep going until things get better or fall apart, not intervening either way. This is hard because I get triggered sometimes by group and outside of it a lot, I have to have my fb as a facilitator and can’t control my levels of triggers that way. Maybe I’ll go out of BPD mode and the being left out won’t hurt so much and I can function good and itll all be good. Or in my opinion more likely the group will fall apart due to the cliques and drama and I’ll feel responsible because I didn’t do anything to stop it, especially now since I know it’s not just me feeling this way. 

Another option is somewhere in the middle. Trying to talk to people about how I’m doing and what part they are playing in this. This could include bringing up the fact that I’m not the only one feeling this way. This group is suppose to be a safe place and it’s no longer for a number of people. Major downsides to this is that I don’t know if I could handle it. I can’t control how they’ll react/respond and right now the fact that in my mind I can say maybe they don’t know gives me some condolence. 

There’s probably other options but right now that’s what I see. Please feedback on what you think I should do, what you would do, or anything. 

Poll: Medical/Psychiatric Records

23 Mar

For those of my fellow mental health bloggers here is a poll, feel free to elaborate in the comments.  If it was easy to have access to read your medical/psychiatric records, would you want to?