Tag Archives: fear

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me.  I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life.  I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable.  And roundy round goes the pattern.  I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now.  I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

Call from psychiatrist

22 Nov

Just got off the phone from my psychiatrist and it’s just what I needed.  I had no intent to go to classes today.  I couldn’t sleep again last night with the voices and the paranoia and when the thoughts started to turn to sleeping under the bed to hide “just in case” I got out of bed and took some extra PRN Latuda and Valium.  This helped me get to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up with nightmares that Trump had declared war and drafted all the men to go to war.  When I got up to go to class I managed to take a shower.  I really needed one, since Monday I just wore a snow hat and pajamas to school.  However, that put me over the edge and once dressed for school I became fearful and crawled back into bed.  I set my alarm for my 2nd class but near time to attend, turned it off and resent it for a trans clothing fair I hope to go to.  My psychiatrist called and we are upping my antipsychotic Latuda by 1/2 which is what I have PRNing on a regular basis until I feel less vulnerable and more confident in DBT skills.  He wants me to not associate taking a pill with the behavior which is fine, as long as I have some medical relief.  I will also be using my coping skills I use- mostly DBT to deal with what voices, paranoia, and distress break through.  And yes some always break through.  Medication is no cure.  During thanksgiving break I’ll go through my packets and go over some skills. My psychiatrist wasn’t me to set up a phone session with the therapist to go over how DBT skills are working with this stuff.  So far I have the music skills I’ve been using and rationalizing.  It’s been 2 years without voices so I need to re-look through my skills.

Just another “Election aftermath”

10 Nov

I live in California a pretty democratic progressive state, everyone was outraged, sad, angry, pissed, scared, and a variety of other bad feeling when Trump won- well most everybody.  My dad would have voted for him if he was in the states.  Everyone who lived in my court voted for him and I knew others that did.  I was sad and scared, but mostly shocked, it took awhile for the real feelings to kick in.

 

I’m 33, 34 in two days.  I’ve waited a long time to start transitioning.  I haven’t felt safe to do it in my own home.  Now I don’t feel safe to do it in my country and worry about government policies and procedures that may prevent me from doing so.  I already know it won’t go quick as I like because of my pre-existing mental health conditions; especially the episode a couple weeks ago with the voices.  Now I feel set back, hopeless, suicidal.  I wonder if I should abandon myself, my progress of the last few months with transitioning and the last 5 years of so with accepting my sexuality.  I don’t want to be unsafe but at the same time I want to die.  But I’d rather have it be by my own hand than some hateful bigot.

Boundaries and fear

3 Jun

A few days ago me and my dad got into it.  It was just like every other time.  It was over something petty, it involved him calling me names, screaming at me and cussing at me.  But there were a few things different this time.  I didn’t cry hysterically immediately in front of him, I didn’t automatically apologize for all of my behavior to placate him.  And when he said he was sorry, I said if he was sorry, maybe he should try to work on trying not to do this anymore.  When he said it was because he loved me and he cared about me, I flipped internally- hello the definition of abuse.  I said there you go again the “old dog” and “just the way you are” and then I ran off to my room and started crying.  This type of behavior has been going on since I was a child, minus me sticking up for myself somewhat.  And it just really clicked what it was, what it is.  And I don’t understand how he can justify it as “love” and “care.”  After I stood up for myself I was practically shaking in fear, I’m still somewhat afraid but it’s been 3 days so it’s mostly subsided.  My case manager thinks I’m afraid I’m going to hit him or lash out in anger towards him.  Really I’m afraid of retaliation from him, not that he’ll hit me.  I don’t think he’d do that, but more sudle emotional ways or something.

Dating Anxieties

13 Jan

I have another date tomorrow.  I’m nervous.  On the last one, she was sorta trying to get cuddly and I wasn’t being very receptive.  While going though the internet today I saw this little image above.  That’s me, and I don’t think many people are going to wait around with my fears of intimacy and love.  I will open up, I don’t doubt that but I’m not sure how long it will take.  I don’t know how to explain to someone that this is the way I am without already getting into some of that emotional attachment and trust.  I guess if I just shoot it down from the get go I’ll never find out.  Here’s to an awkward tomorrow.

Anxiety/Fear Observing and Describing Emotions Worksheet

7 Dec

Mine:

Observing and Describing Emotions

Name: __Marci__________________         Date:___12/6/15___________

Primary Emotions: ____Anxiety/fear____________________  Intensity (0-100)_85

Prompting Event (for emotion, who, what, where, when): Seemed to come out of nowhere.  When I got into my car after studying with 20 somethings friend.  Maybe because I didn’t study as long as I had planned to.  I didn’t say something I was planning on saying.  And I don’t feel very comfortable about the quiz or presentation tomorrow.

Interpretation (beliefs, assumptions, and appraisals on the situation) You’re a failure.  You never end up doing what you plan to. You’re going to screw up this quiz and presentation.  Not going to get an A in Linguistics.  Look like a fool.  Can’t express yourself in relationships.

Body changes and sensing: Stomach hurting, dry mouth, tingling feeling in head

Body Language (facial expression, posture, gestures): Nothing really

Action Urges (what did I feel like doing, what did I want to say):

 

Self harm.  Knock myself out w/meds.  Try to get someone to reassure me

What I said or did in the situation: Tell myself it’s okay.  Read an article to distract.  Remember my agreements and expectations.  Going to look to wellness book for comfort.  Try to be nice to myself.

After effects (secondary emotions, memories, thoughts, state of mind, behavior):  Guilt.  More anxiety/fear now about transferring.  Remembering arguement a couple weeks ago.  Remembering times in the past I had been soothes and longing for that.

Function of emotion: ___???_____________________________________________________

Other possible interpretations: Worry is normal but it’s not the end of the world.  “Your reality is the same, it’s just your persception that’s changed.  It can change back.  He’s not going to abandon you and neither am I.”-Case Manager

New Intensity (0-100) _75__

Intensity after reading Wellness Book (0-100)  40

Blank:

Observing and Describing Emotions

Name: ______________________________         Date:_______________________

Primary Emotions: ____________________________________  Intensity (0-100)______

Prompting Event (for emotion, who, what, where, when): __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Interpretation (beliefs, assumptions, and appraisals on the situation) _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Body changes and sensing: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Body Language (facial expression, posture, gestures):

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Action Urges (what did I feel like doing, what did I want to say):

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What I said or did in the situation: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After effects (secondary emotions, memories, thoughts, state of mind, behavior):  __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Function of emotion: ____________________________________________________________

Other possible interpretations: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

New Intensity (0-100) _______

Reflections

1 Dec

I hate that I feel sad so often. Lonely and empty, sometimes even when people are around. I feel like I’ve made much progress. But how can that be if I still want to be around other people to feel good myself. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, unless I’m recharging. I’ve spent a lot of time alone but that’s just because interacting and getting close to people scares me so much. Now I have a couple people I’m close with and feel good around them, but they have other lives too. I wish I could just be happy with me.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8

26 Oct

30 day writing challenge

Day 8: Share something you struggle with.

I struggle with a lot of intense emotions, I think most people would be surprised by how strong I feel guilt, jealousy, rage, and fear.  Every emotion is a spectrum but most people think of me as a nice quiet person and sometimes thats just the mask I want to be seen in.

My day today

9 Oct

No this is not one of the meaningful posts coming.  I just wanted to document that I had a good day.  Yesterday was pretty stressful, I decided to come out about my mental illnesses on my main Facebook account.  Most of the replies I got were nice or just “likes.”  I don’t know what I was expecting or the purpose, but it’s out there now.  I also saw 20 somethings friend because this weekend is the Sacramento International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, we met at the theater.  Somethings off, but I don’t want to bring it up.  Silly things like he’s not liking my posts and hasn’t responded to a party invite still.  I’m not sure he even reads this anymore.  I know he is stressed and has a lot going on with transferring too, so I’m trying to chill about it and use opposite action and recognizing some cognitive distortions I have.  I keep trying to convince myself it’s just me and I’m being too insecure and reading in to things.  That’s why I don’t want to bring anything up, it seems when ever I do with anybody all the feedback I get is how I am wrong and they couldn’t see how I’d think that.  Anyways, it’s something I’m putting off but need to do.  Tonight I’m going to the film festival with a different friend from group.  It’s ladies night so the film revolves around lesbian couples instead of gay (like last night) it also features BDSM, actually the film is called S&M Sally.  I’m into that kind of stuff, so it should be interested.  I blog about it sometimes in the password posts.  Most the password posts are about sex or family stuff I’m too afraid to say to the public.  I’m fine giving out passwords, but no one asks anymore.  That makes me think people don’t care and pair it with the decline of comments and likes, well you know where my mind goes.  I saw my psychiatrist today he is impressed with how I’m doing, I didn’t really mention the problems with the BPD or the small issues with psychosis.  He can’t address BPD because it’s not really a med thing and the psychosis is hit and miss and not enough to end me up in the hospital or need extra med increase.  I got two emails from my community colleges today, one from each.  One was informing us a chemistry experiment was going to have a loud boom from a certain time period, so we wouldn’t panic.  The other was about someone who was arrested after making a verbal threat to our campus, he’s in jail on $250,000 bail, it makes me wonder how serious he was.  It also made me fearful that someone could take what I write here as a serious threat and I could get in legal trouble.  I don’t shy away from the fact that the voices tell me to do things but I also really want to hit home I’ve never done anything and always go to the hospital if it gets too much and I’m worried about myself or others.  I mentioned the transferring to my psychiatrist, he prefers I transfer to the closest one and even though it’s about an hour away I can keep my care providers.  Even if I go to the school 2 hours away I can still see them just not as much and it would be tricky if I needed an emergency appointment.  And if I moved to southern California, I’d be in a new district so would have to find completely new doctors.  It’s good information to know, it’s good my psychiatrist is supporting my decision and he asked if I had talked to my case manager about it, which I have.  I’m not going to rule out schools based on his opinions but like I said good to know.  Speaking of transferring starting Oct 1 the state schools are open for application, so I started on the application today and will work more on it tomorrow or Sunday.  It feels so weird planning a future I never thought I would have.

The Future

24 Sep

I think most people have a fear of the future and the unknown, but for those of us with mental illness the future can be uncertain and terrifying.  With my schizoaffective disorder I use to never know when the psychosis would be bad enough to be in the hospital.  Since I have had a break before and not remembered my behavior or actions I was afraid of what I could do in the midst of a psychotic episode.  Now with my current medication I’m more confident in not having as many and as severe episodes.  But I’ve had anti-psychotic medication work before and then stop working.

The bipolar aspect also doesn’t give you any prediction of the future.  I know I usually have depressive episodes around October and March but the severity and duration change.  I don’t get manic anymore since the medication changes but I do make decisions in hypomania that effect my future.  The only real job I had I got while hypomanic and I couldn’t imagine myself having the confidence to do it without those symptoms hypomania brings.

With BPD, I’m really sensitive to rejection, abandonment and judgement- it makes it very hard to step outside my comfort zone and try new things.  I’m afraid of dating and making friends.  I have an empty and meaningless feeling frequently which makes the future seem unimportant or irrelevant, there seems to be no purpose.  Along with being chronically suicidal you are never really sure you will even make it to the future.  My changes in self identity, change the goals I have in life.   I use to be very religious but now that isn’t a big figure in my life.