Tag Archives: fear

dissociating

22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

I’m okay now

11 Mar

I’m doing okay now.  Really good actually, the best I’ve ever done in my life.  But since the majority of my life I have not done well I always have this feeling that something bad is going to happen or some kind of dread.  Right now it’s a fear/curiosity and those two often don’t go well together.

One of my official diagnoses is PTSD, and I take Prazosin for night terrors.  I’ve started going to a support group in anticipation of leading one in a few weeks and a member was talking about blacking out and night terrors and PTSD related things.  I asked her if she’d tried Prazosin and there was a short conversation.  But it reminds me of how I can relate to so many people.  It reminds me of blacking out and forgetting things I have done.  It reminds me of the dissociating.  And with my PTSD, I’m not completely aware what the trauma is.

In my experience things that aren’t solved always come back

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me.  I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life.  I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable.  And roundy round goes the pattern.  I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now.  I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

Call from psychiatrist

22 Nov

Just got off the phone from my psychiatrist and it’s just what I needed.  I had no intent to go to classes today.  I couldn’t sleep again last night with the voices and the paranoia and when the thoughts started to turn to sleeping under the bed to hide “just in case” I got out of bed and took some extra PRN Latuda and Valium.  This helped me get to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up with nightmares that Trump had declared war and drafted all the men to go to war.  When I got up to go to class I managed to take a shower.  I really needed one, since Monday I just wore a snow hat and pajamas to school.  However, that put me over the edge and once dressed for school I became fearful and crawled back into bed.  I set my alarm for my 2nd class but near time to attend, turned it off and resent it for a trans clothing fair I hope to go to.  My psychiatrist called and we are upping my antipsychotic Latuda by 1/2 which is what I have PRNing on a regular basis until I feel less vulnerable and more confident in DBT skills.  He wants me to not associate taking a pill with the behavior which is fine, as long as I have some medical relief.  I will also be using my coping skills I use- mostly DBT to deal with what voices, paranoia, and distress break through.  And yes some always break through.  Medication is no cure.  During thanksgiving break I’ll go through my packets and go over some skills. My psychiatrist wasn’t me to set up a phone session with the therapist to go over how DBT skills are working with this stuff.  So far I have the music skills I’ve been using and rationalizing.  It’s been 2 years without voices so I need to re-look through my skills.

Just another “Election aftermath”

10 Nov

I live in California a pretty democratic progressive state, everyone was outraged, sad, angry, pissed, scared, and a variety of other bad feeling when Trump won- well most everybody.  My dad would have voted for him if he was in the states.  Everyone who lived in my court voted for him and I knew others that did.  I was sad and scared, but mostly shocked, it took awhile for the real feelings to kick in.

 

I’m 33, 34 in two days.  I’ve waited a long time to start transitioning.  I haven’t felt safe to do it in my own home.  Now I don’t feel safe to do it in my country and worry about government policies and procedures that may prevent me from doing so.  I already know it won’t go quick as I like because of my pre-existing mental health conditions; especially the episode a couple weeks ago with the voices.  Now I feel set back, hopeless, suicidal.  I wonder if I should abandon myself, my progress of the last few months with transitioning and the last 5 years of so with accepting my sexuality.  I don’t want to be unsafe but at the same time I want to die.  But I’d rather have it be by my own hand than some hateful bigot.

Boundaries and fear

3 Jun

A few days ago me and my dad got into it.  It was just like every other time.  It was over something petty, it involved him calling me names, screaming at me and cussing at me.  But there were a few things different this time.  I didn’t cry hysterically immediately in front of him, I didn’t automatically apologize for all of my behavior to placate him.  And when he said he was sorry, I said if he was sorry, maybe he should try to work on trying not to do this anymore.  When he said it was because he loved me and he cared about me, I flipped internally- hello the definition of abuse.  I said there you go again the “old dog” and “just the way you are” and then I ran off to my room and started crying.  This type of behavior has been going on since I was a child, minus me sticking up for myself somewhat.  And it just really clicked what it was, what it is.  And I don’t understand how he can justify it as “love” and “care.”  After I stood up for myself I was practically shaking in fear, I’m still somewhat afraid but it’s been 3 days so it’s mostly subsided.  My case manager thinks I’m afraid I’m going to hit him or lash out in anger towards him.  Really I’m afraid of retaliation from him, not that he’ll hit me.  I don’t think he’d do that, but more sudle emotional ways or something.

Dating Anxieties

13 Jan

I have another date tomorrow.  I’m nervous.  On the last one, she was sorta trying to get cuddly and I wasn’t being very receptive.  While going though the internet today I saw this little image above.  That’s me, and I don’t think many people are going to wait around with my fears of intimacy and love.  I will open up, I don’t doubt that but I’m not sure how long it will take.  I don’t know how to explain to someone that this is the way I am without already getting into some of that emotional attachment and trust.  I guess if I just shoot it down from the get go I’ll never find out.  Here’s to an awkward tomorrow.

Anxiety/Fear Observing and Describing Emotions Worksheet

7 Dec

Mine:

Observing and Describing Emotions

Name: __Marci__________________         Date:___12/6/15___________

Primary Emotions: ____Anxiety/fear____________________  Intensity (0-100)_85

Prompting Event (for emotion, who, what, where, when): Seemed to come out of nowhere.  When I got into my car after studying with 20 somethings friend.  Maybe because I didn’t study as long as I had planned to.  I didn’t say something I was planning on saying.  And I don’t feel very comfortable about the quiz or presentation tomorrow.

Interpretation (beliefs, assumptions, and appraisals on the situation) You’re a failure.  You never end up doing what you plan to. You’re going to screw up this quiz and presentation.  Not going to get an A in Linguistics.  Look like a fool.  Can’t express yourself in relationships.

Body changes and sensing: Stomach hurting, dry mouth, tingling feeling in head

Body Language (facial expression, posture, gestures): Nothing really

Action Urges (what did I feel like doing, what did I want to say):

 

Self harm.  Knock myself out w/meds.  Try to get someone to reassure me

What I said or did in the situation: Tell myself it’s okay.  Read an article to distract.  Remember my agreements and expectations.  Going to look to wellness book for comfort.  Try to be nice to myself.

After effects (secondary emotions, memories, thoughts, state of mind, behavior):  Guilt.  More anxiety/fear now about transferring.  Remembering arguement a couple weeks ago.  Remembering times in the past I had been soothes and longing for that.

Function of emotion: ___???_____________________________________________________

Other possible interpretations: Worry is normal but it’s not the end of the world.  “Your reality is the same, it’s just your persception that’s changed.  It can change back.  He’s not going to abandon you and neither am I.”-Case Manager

New Intensity (0-100) _75__

Intensity after reading Wellness Book (0-100)  40

Blank:

Observing and Describing Emotions

Name: ______________________________         Date:_______________________

Primary Emotions: ____________________________________  Intensity (0-100)______

Prompting Event (for emotion, who, what, where, when): __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Interpretation (beliefs, assumptions, and appraisals on the situation) _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Body changes and sensing: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Body Language (facial expression, posture, gestures):

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Action Urges (what did I feel like doing, what did I want to say):

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What I said or did in the situation: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After effects (secondary emotions, memories, thoughts, state of mind, behavior):  __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Function of emotion: ____________________________________________________________

Other possible interpretations: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

New Intensity (0-100) _______

Reflections

1 Dec

I hate that I feel sad so often. Lonely and empty, sometimes even when people are around. I feel like I’ve made much progress. But how can that be if I still want to be around other people to feel good myself. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, unless I’m recharging. I’ve spent a lot of time alone but that’s just because interacting and getting close to people scares me so much. Now I have a couple people I’m close with and feel good around them, but they have other lives too. I wish I could just be happy with me.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8

26 Oct

30 day writing challenge

Day 8: Share something you struggle with.

I struggle with a lot of intense emotions, I think most people would be surprised by how strong I feel guilt, jealousy, rage, and fear.  Every emotion is a spectrum but most people think of me as a nice quiet person and sometimes thats just the mask I want to be seen in.