Tag Archives: fear of abandonment

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now.  It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego.  It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed.  It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD.  One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people.  And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better.  I guess I was desperate.  I tried my DBT skills all week.  I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person.  After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped.  I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same.  It won’t be the same.  It’s not the end of the world.  But I’m losing my best friend.  I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

I’ve come a long way

13 Jun

I use to be really clingy.  I don’t really attach to many people, so when I do it’s like I hold on for dear life.  Along with that BPD fear of rejection or abandonment.  My best friend needs alone time and has other time he spends with other friends or classmates and it use to really trigger me.  I’m much better about it now.  Before it would sometimes set off the voices and me into an emotional tirade to where I’d be on the edge of going to the hospital or I’d be self medicating, since I wasn’t self harming anymore.

I think maybe DBT helped a little, but mostly just growing up and realizing that you can’t always have someone 24/7.  Trying not to dwell on it when he has plans with other people or just needs his alone time. Using that time to do stuff with my sister or other friends, or as some of my alone time.

Anyways I’m really proud of myself in this area, because when you cling too much you annoy people and push them away.

People…people…people

13 Mar

So overanalyzing as I often do…

I’m comfortable with how my social life is right now. (should probably knock on some wood)  I have one best friend and I don’t see him much because we are both busy with school now.  We aren’t even texting each other between classes or when he’s at work or anything too, but that’s not bothering me or poking at my BPD abandonment fears.  I’m all okay.  Even as I went to the NAMI Walks Kickoff Luncheon on Friday I was reminded of how I don’t like doing this social stuff.  When I talk to people in class and make “small talk” how I wish I could avoid it or how it seems so awkward.  Things have changed.  I’ve always been kind of a loner, but a loner that thought they needed someone to complete them or take care of them.  Now I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay by myself.  But do I want to be by myself?  Sort of?  I like the situation with me and 20 somethings friend and I like it better when there are breaks and we can have more fun when we both have more open schedule and can hang out more.  But I remember being disappointed when people are busy with work, school, friends, or whatever and I’m bored with nothing.  But I do not need or want a lot of socialization it wears me out and it’s hard and I wonder if the whole Autistic Spectrum thing is playing into that.

So as far as my socializing ability/roles whatever goes I have the schizo stuff kinda dis-intreset disconnect, the BPD abandonment fears + i need someone, the social anxiety, and now maybe some aspie stuff mixed in too

Like I wasn’t complicated enough before, I guess this is just changing the equation

More on sex

6 Feb

I don’t think whatever this last relationship or not is going to work out.  It’s okay I’m not overly attached.  This is my 3rd-ish relationship and it’s becoming clearer that I’m more of a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of girl which makes some sense and on other sides doesn’t- story of my life, right?  With the first girl, I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship but was sort of willing to play the game to gain sexual experience due to changes in life experience the relationship fizzled out.   With M in January she got super possessive and lovey dovey saying “I love you” with in a week of dating and sex, I told her it was moving quickly but it didn’t seem to phase her.  The sex was great but we only dated for a month.  She claimed I lied to her and broke her heart.  This last relationship lasted a few weeks, with M we had sex by thee 2nd date so I didn’t want to make that mistake again plus this go around with G she had kids.  She was more cuddely which I told her I wasn’t into, but that I was ok with physical intimacy.  We text on and off, but I never felt anything substantial.  After we had sex, I’ve felt compelled to text her a few times, but it always seems she has drama going on in her life.  I predict this will fizzle out too.  Social anxiety, fear of rejection/abandonment, being gay, and female make an interesting mix on my (lack of) sex life and desire.

So what exactly do you mean by “fear of abandonment?”

30 Dec

One of the key components to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a fear of real or imagined abandonment. But what does that really mean? For me, it’s a fear of a person leaving me. 

It can be an emotional abandonment as in they’re not there when I need them or they find out how “I really am” and won’t be my friend anymore. 

It’s reading into what people say because you’re so hyper-focused on trying to figure out when and why they are leaving you. Sometimes to try and stop it from happening, “frantic efforts.”  And other times to leave them first before they can leave you. 

It’s jumping to the conclusion that my case manager is going to stop seeing me, each time an appointment is canceled. Or that she’s going to quit or die, which oddly seem the same to me as stop seeing me. I see it as the same result. 

It’s anytime I don’t hear from someone, when I normally do and I panic. 

It’s the fear of people moving on without you.

 It’s any time your social circle or support system changes.

 It’s not wanting to get close to people because everyone leaves anyways.

 Many times it’s based on prior experience. 

Trying

30 Dec

I woke up pretty early because I went to bed early last night.  I hate days where I don’t have anything to do or just don’t actually end up doing anything.  As soon as I got up my mom told me my counseling appointment had been canceled.  My first reaction was to go back to bed, an imminent sign that today was going to be bad again.  I only laid in bed for about 5 minutes before I got up and told myself I was going to try and have a good day.  I ate breakfast and made some cinnamon rolls, my way of self-soothing.  I distracted for a little while playing all my lives in Candy Crush.  After writing this I’m going to go take a bath or work on my SMASH book, self-care and more distracting.  I need to stay away from the news today, there are too many triggering stories.  My mind has already gone a little wild catastrophizing why my case manager had to cancel my appointment.  I’m trying to recognize this as a cognitive distortion and distract myself so I don’t keep coming back to it.  I’m going to text 20 somethings friend when it gets a little later in the morning, I don’t want to wake him up, and try to plan some purposeful pleasure.   It’s a day for a lot of DBT skills.

Some random rambling

10 Dec

What now?

I try not to get too down on myself for where I’m at in my life right now.  I know I’ve had different struggles and stuff that make sense why I’m not where I thought I’d be in life, or where I want to be in life.  Some days it bothers me more than others.  Today is one of those days.  Thinking I should be settled down by now with a family.  Thinking about all the people I went to school with and how they are married and some with kids.  My sisters both being in relationships.  Me still living at home.  Not having a special someone, especially on my bad days.

What I want you to know.

I’m not choosing to be like this.  When I get stressed out my symptoms return and get worse.  Sometimes they make sense, sometimes not.  I project that after finals are over the voices will subside.  It’s like my mind and body are attacking me and don’t want me to survive.  I have a cold in addition to my mental health stuff being there too.  Both the therapist and my case manage say all this stuff is Borderline.  While that is somewhat helpful hearing it’s not just as much.  When it’s the depression it’s more out of my control, the chemical are screwing around; voices are triggered by external events outside of my control as well.  When it’s ME REACTING to abandonment fears and fears of failing it makes it seem like it’s my fault and I’m choosing to sabotage my life.  Lets be clear I am not making conscious attempts to fuck up my life, I could have done a couple things in the last month that were more subconscious.  It’s impulsiveness and dissociation and it pisses me off that I not only have to deal with the ramifications of these reactions but also have to defend myself and prove it’s not deliberate.  I’m irritated right now.  Ok breathe, that’s it for now.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

 

**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**

A little of this, a little of that

6 Dec

Today has been a good day.  I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done.  My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that.  So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges.  Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night.  Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads.  This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that.  So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!

At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it.   She also threw in it could change back.  I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.”  Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different.  I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend.  But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.

I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them.  The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do.  So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.