Tag Archives: family

Let you down by NF

16 Mar
Let You Down
by NF
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, I guess I’m a disappointment
Doing everything I can, I don’t wanna make you disappointed
It’s annoying
I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn’t ever tryna make an issue for you
But, I guess the more you
Thought about everything, you were never even wrong in the first place, right?
Yeah, I’ma just ignore you
Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you
Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you
Very loyal?
Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife in it, my hands are full
What else should I carry for you?
I cared for you, but
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, you don’t wanna make this work
You just wanna make this worse
Want me to listen to you
But you don’t ever hear my words
You don’t wanna know my hurt, yet
Let me guess you want an apology, probably
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can’t, so I guess I’ma have to leave
Please don’t come after me
I just wanna be alone right now, I don’t really wanna think at all
Go ahead, just drink it off
Both know you’re gonna call tomorrow like nothing’s wrong
Ain’t that what you always do?
I feel like every time I talk to you, you’re in an awful mood
What else can I offer you?
There’s nothing left right now, I gave it all to you
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, don’t talk down to me
That’s not gonna work now
Packed all my clothes and I moved out
I don’t even wanna go to your house
Everytime I sit on that couch
I feel like you lecture me
Eventually, I bet that we
Could have made this work and probably woulda figured things out
But I guess that I’m a letdown
But it’s cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let’s put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn’t even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you’re happy
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, I let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
And I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, let you down
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry now
I’m sorry
That I let you down

Protected: Voices and triggers

28 Mar

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16 Jan

A conversation well rant my sister had the other day has been on my mind lately.  I guess my dad was at her house and was doing his thing where he makes fun of people and calls them a baby and all that to the neighbor kid that was at her house.  He did this to me growing up all the time, to various degrees.  Anyways, when the neighbor kid left I guess my sister just exploded at my dad about how it’s not his place to be harsh like that and how it’s one of his major short comings and how he’s such a bully.  How he was being a bully and all this that and the other including being cruel, harsh, negative, critical, and a coward.  Anyways, eventually my dad was like “Well, it’s just the neighbor kid and he needs to man up and it doesn’t matter.”  And my sister said “What about Marci, well how did that work out for you” and I guess then there was awkward silence.

I’ve always seen my dad as being verbally and emotionally abusive, but as a bully and “cruel” not till it was brought up the other night.  I guess I should bring up this with my case manager or the therapist.

Doing much better

30 Nov

Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better.  I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do.  Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.

I’m worried about going back home for break.  Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms.  Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity.  But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much.  I just don’t want to un-grow.

I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break.  I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away.  I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.

I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day.  I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic.  I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women.  And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.


7 Nov

It’s been interesting lately.  And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water.  I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me.  About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.)  The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes.  The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual.  Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance.  I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic.  Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief.  I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices.  My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices.  All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades.  I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping.  I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away.  This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend.  Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.

SPD and moving away

24 Sep

When I talk about my diagnoses, I always say my primary are schizoaffective and BPD because they affect my life the most my other two currently diagnosed are PTSD and SPD.  Most people don’t even know what SPD is and although I meet all the criteria for PTSD we don’t know my trauma, weird much.


Moving out of my parents house for the first time at age 33 has set off some sensory issues this week.  I took a shower for the first time in nearly two years.  I HATE SHOWERS! One of my sensory issues revolves around my hands getting wet, and wet hands touching things, at home I had a bath tub.  While in inpatient setting I was forced to take a shower so it is not like I have never taken a shower before but the longest I’ve been there is 13 days.  I will live in this place a year.  In a week period I got away with taking one shower and driving home to take one bath, but I know this is not a long term solution.  My hair was very dirty.  I can’t use dry shampoo because the smell also bothers me.  I got use to washing my hair in the bath tub with my hands so I assume I will get use to showers but man this is torture at first.  Lil sis has some sensory issues too, but is anti-psychiatry and thus undiagnosed and I am unsure if she meets criteria but gave me the tip of bringing a gym towel in the shower with me to wrap my hands in and keep them dry until I need to wash my hair then throw it out quick and wash my hair.  That won’t help issues like water pressure but it’s a start.


Last night I went to an event with my roommates on campus, I ended up taking a separate car because I wasn’t done with dinner by the time they left.  I kinda already feel a little left out by them, but maybe it’s my paranoia.  I was good for the first hour and a half and then the live band music got too loud for my sensory issues and I had to leave.  I felt lame and embarrassed.  I don’t really know how to explain it to my roommates, if I should, and this is really just the tip of the iceberg in regards to my mental illness.  All 5 of my roommates are either psychology or sociology students and one is taking abnormal psych this semester.  I mentioned my sensory processing disorder early on and of course no one knew what it was in adults.  When I described it was a common co-occuring disorder in children with autism like kids who have difficulties with certain textures of clothes and have tags cut off t-shirts a couple nodded. It was very simple.  So it’s not like they have no introduction.

Holding On

3 Sep

I wonder why I am so insistent (at least right now) to hanging on to some of my female gender identity. I don’t like being a girl.  Is it because it’s so familiar?  Because I’m so resistant to change in general and this will be a BIG change.  Scared of what people will think, especially how the family will react?  I’m not sure what it is in me, but it’s worth exploring.  I think that’s what I should talk to the therapist about in two weeks.  I also worry with what my gender identity is and how that will play out along with my sexuality and I’m trying to work them both out in my head at the same time.  I know this is bad for me and I should let the identity figure out first and then sexuality next but I feel like i’m losing time and like most people I want all the answers NOW, lol.

Therapy- Gender Identity

26 Aug

What I’ve been waiting for.  Since my case manager told me over a month ago that she wasn’t really qualified to handle the gender identity issues and to talk to the therapist I was angry.  It seems everyone defers to the therapist that I see once every 6 weeks.  (I see my case manager once a week.)  I had also just gotten my ASD evaluation back and we were suppose to go over that.  It seems everyone passes the buck to her and I have a harder time opening up to her as I don’t see her as often and haven’t developed as much trust.

Surprisingly things went very well.  She has training regarding gender identity issues and is seeing other people with in Kaiser (my insurance.)  My fears about not being taken seriously because I don’t fully identify as a trans person were unfounded.  She let me know what my insurance covered and was okay with what I said I wanted to pursue, didn’t want to, and was unknown at this time.  We talked a little about why it is coming up now, pretty much because I have the independence to be out of my parents house and I don’t plan on moving back.  I don’t see my dad taking this well and knowing I won’t have to be around him while doing this transition and adjusting myself makes me able to pursue it.  Also now being in the LGBT community I have names and real things attached to feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time, since puberty.  The therapist is going to see me in a little over two weeks instead of the typical 6 weeks, which is much of an improvement and practically unheard of wishing psychotherapy in my insurance.  She also suggested I check out a support group for trans and gender non conforming people and a local gender center.  My first step is to e-mail them and find out times and dates.  I hate group things and with my social and awkward problems this will be hard.  At least for now it’s just finding out when they meet.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now.  It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego.  It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed.  It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD.  One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people.  And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better.  I guess I was desperate.  I tried my DBT skills all week.  I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person.  After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped.  I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same.  It won’t be the same.  It’s not the end of the world.  But I’m losing my best friend.  I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

More waiting

14 Jul

So I had to come clean to my parents about the possible Autistic Spectrum Diagnosis (ASD) Evaluation.  I had my mom fill out a form the specialist gave me to fill out for my primary care giver or parent.  She filled out some and my sister looked over it and thought it was insufficient as my mom was looking through “rose tinted goggles” so she changed some answers and I had her fill out other sections where I knew she knew the answers, aka not the birth-3 years old.  The specialist called the day before I was suppose to have the appointment and need to ask my mom some questions for clarification.  I thought “oh no” and now I gotta tell her the truth.  So I told her about my most recent Sensory Processing Disorder and how I’ve always had the social awkwardness that now seems a little more than just social anxiety and paired with my poor motor skills they think I might be on the Autistic Spectrum.  I also told her when the specialist called not to answer questions with what she thinks I can do but with what I currently do do.  He just asked about 10 questions about when I was a baby and a toddler and now I have to wait a week and a half for results!  I wish this process went faster!