I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
“You suck. Why don’t you just give in already. You know we’ll win, we always win. Slit the wrists and let the blood pour. Give up now and save the embarrassment and failure. You can’t do anything and as long as you try we’ll be here to mess it up. You don’t deserve shit. I don’t know how you got to where you are but we’ll tear it down. We’ll tear you down. Do it, let the blood flow.”
There wasn’t anything too special about yesterday. I got the e-mail that was triggering and wrote a rant directly after that. Within minutes a representative from the college called and told me as long as I took a class (at that college) and passed it with a C or better I’d be off probation. Thing is I wasn’t planning on taking a class there, but I guess that’s not a choice anymore which means I have to drop one of the other classes I am taking. With my psych issues I can usually only handle two classes at a time. It’s also making think I should probably go get the disability services paperwork for that college since I am not doing well and if issues come up I have it documented. Which means more phone calls and face to face meetings 😦 plus a bunch of paperwork.
So after I got the call I got really upset about me over reacting and some stuff played back in my head that has been said to me that imply my issues are not real. I wrote another rant post that I password protected and then quickly unprotected after I decided I didn’t give a damn who read it. I don’t think anyone read it because it initially e-mailed as password protected 😦
The back 2s were going crazy about what to do. I dismantled a razor at one point. I scratched my stomach but all the marks are already gone and there was no blood drawn. I ended up taking 25mg of Valium and some Nyquil. I didn’t cut and I don’t know if I’d consider the scratching self harm. I tried to reach out to my sister but she didn’t make things any better. I’m frustrated as I see the hospital in the near future and to me that just equates failure AGAIN. But with my precarious school situation coming up maybe I should just get it out of the way.
I had an extra counseling session today. I felt so horrible yesterday, I initially asked for the appointment intending on her putting me in the hospital. Yesterday I woke up upset from things said in Wednesday’s session and just hopeless on top of that. I wrote my case manager a message, drank some Nyquil and went back to sleep. I woke back up around noon, checked my message back from case manager, and tried to go out to eat with my dad. I kept tearing up and had him just get us sandwiches to go, by the time I got home I was too upset to eat and had a bite of sandwich along with some Seroquel to calm me down. I was thinking about self harming, it was one day after a year and a half and no one seemed to think it was a big deal. That was frustrating and I’ve been in self destruct mode for about a month and a half now and am doing everything in my power to not, and it seems like no one notices or cares. While in la la land from the Seroquel I received a few texts, my sister wanted to go for a walk. I agreed to go even though I told her I was having a bad day. I cried most of the walk and was hard to understand; eventually I got dizzy so we just sat on the sidewalk for a little. I told her I might be going to the hospital today because even though I want desperately right now to throw everything away and give up, I know I’d be pissed and disappointed later if I made those decisions or dead. I somehow pulled myself together enough to go to group last night.
I went to my appointment today not really knowing what was going to happen. I hate going into the hospital on Friday because there is nothing to do on the weekends, but I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself to continue to fight this self destruct mode. I also remembered Thursday night I had to move my stuff out of family friend’s house by the end of the month, another symbol of failure; but also something that had to be done- you all know how I am with obligations. I had/have plans set up all weekend but it still involves a lot of down time and self destruct mode is telling me to cancel them all anyways. At appointment case manager said that I was having a hard time because I was stuck in reality. We talked a little about how I don’t have the cutting or voices to distract me from life anymore. She wants me to work on anger over my childhood with the therapist. I don’t know, seems like opening a can of worms plus I’m not as comfortable with her and only see her once a month. My task for right now is just to follow a schedule, make sure to get up and eat at the same time and schedule a couple things to do each day. Things would be better off without me.
Day 20: Your fears
I am afraid of abandonment, rejection, failure, the past, and the future. Almost all my fears are more of “ideas” than tangible items, and I think that is what makes them so much worse. When you are afraid of spiders, you know what spiders are and for the most part you can avoid it. With something like abandonment or rejection it could be hiding anywhere and in anyone, someone you thought you knew, someone you thought you trusted. Those fears tend to relate to my personality disorders along with past traumatic experiences. The fear of failure is something I think every human being has at some point, we all just define “failure” in different terms and I think being raised by a critical perfectionistic father my definition of failure is probably a lot different than most, as just about anything done wrong is seen as “failing.” With regards to the last two, the future and the past. I don’t remember much of the past, thank you ECT and trauma- as I have “remembered” somethings this year it is scary to me how big events can happen in the past that you can completely forget and I fear there is more big scary things missing since there are still so many gaps. My fear of the future has to do with my illnesses, I fear with time my power and control to “act somewhat normal” will disappear and I will no longer be able to function in the way that I do now, which isn’t fully functioning anyways. Schizophrenia is an illness that is thought to be degenerative and schizoaffective having properties of schizophrenia has that possibility as well.
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