Tag Archives: emotions

BPD Extreme Emotions

25 Jun

I sort of thought I had my emotions more controlled than it turns out I do.  During periods of depression my moods only fluctuate from extremely depressed to apathetic depression.  After my long depressive episode last year I felt a couple months of true stability.  Then life started happening and my emotions got all over the place again.  I could give you an exact reason why for each and every change though they may have seemed minor to anybody else.

The emotional episodes in the last week have been the extremest in at least 2 years maybe more.  Also I haven’t been able to assign each episode to a specific trigger.  Yesterday with my case manager we just talked about grief and change; well mostly I cried and she mentioned those things.  Also, when I get on these rolls all the changes that are up and coming hit me at once, but at the same time I’d say they’re always looming so I wouldn’t call it a trigger.  Anyways, I’m still confused as to what is setting these off.

I had an appointment with the therapist today, she seemed more personable which was odd for me.  She’s usually very ‘blank slate.’  We talked about trying to be in wise mind with all these changes that are coming up and the growth I want.  Maybe to write them down so when I get those episodes I can look at it, though I’ll probably be too irrational and emotional.  But at least it’s a suggestion.  I’ll have to look at my other emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills.

As with BPD, I’m flying high today and nothing is wrong with the world other than my eyes still burning from all the crying yesterday.

DBT: Emotions

20 Jun

Emotions is an acronym about coping with and managing emotions effectively.  This falls under the category of emotional regulation.

Exposure to emotions. spending time with my emotions

  • My examples.  Not trying to avoid specific emotions like fear, sadness, or anger- but don’t hold on to them either.  Notice joy and keep up whatever is making me joyful.

Mindful of current emotions.  Build an awareness of what emotions I am feeling in the moment without having to act them out.

  • Being sad but not breaking down into tears.  Being insecure but not having to ask for reassurance.

Outline a plan to deal with emotions.  Figure out how to effectively deal with all of my different emotions.

  • When I’m sad go to my wellness box.  When I’m angry blog.  When I’m anxious (most times) do it anyways.

Take opposite action.  Be mindful of my emotion while engaging in the actions that bring the opposite emotion into my experience.

  • Looking at scrapbooks or SMASH books.

Increase positive experiences.  Do things that are enjoyable and fun.

  • Plan pleasurable activities like going out with a friend, treating yourself to something nice, swim.

Obstacles and plan to overcome them.  Determine the obstacles to effectively deal with my emotions and how to overcome them.

  • Sadness get lethargic want to stay in bed, drink a red bull then stay occupied.  Anger want to cut or tell people off, blog it out, vent to a friend, stay away from cutting places and rituals.

Notice what is going on.  Be aware of what is going on around me and inside me.

  • When anxious periodically check in with how I’m feeling inside and if it’s too much start making plans to leave.  If I notice things in the environment that will worsen my mood stay away, like interpersonal conflict.

Support system.  Connect with my support system to help me cope.

  • Case manager, therapist, my sister, 20 something’s friend, blogger friend

RESOURCE: DBT Ways to describe emotions- Sadness

30 May

Often times it is difficult to accurately articulate exactly what we are feeling.  Sometimes emotions mix or one will lead to another very quickly.  These lists are to help you identify clearer the description of sadness, prompting events, interpretations that prompt it, experiencing the emotion, expressing and acting on it as well as the after effects of it.  The bolded ones are things I really relate to.

Sadness Words:

  • Sadness
  • Agony
  • Alienation
  • Anguish
  • Crushed
  • Defeated
  • Dejection
  • Depression
  • Despair
  • Disappointment
  • Discontentment
  • Dismay
  • Displeasure
  • Distraught
  • Gloom
  • Glumness
  • Grief
  • Homesickness
  • Hopelessness
  • Hurt
  • Insecurity
  • Isolation
  • Loneliness
  • Melancholy
  • Misery
  • Neglect
  • Pity
  • Rejection
  • Sorrow
  • Suffering
  • Unhappiness
  • Woe

Prompting events for feeling sadness:

  • Things turn out badly
  • Getting what you don’t want
  • Not getting what you want and believe you need in life; thinking about what you have not gotten that you wanted or needed.
  • Not getting what you’ve worked for.
  • Things being worse than you expected
  • The death of someone you love, thinking about the deaths of people you love.
  • Losing a relationship, thinking about losses.
  • Being separated from someone you care for or value; thinking about how much you miss someone
  • Being rejected or excluded.
  • Being disapproved of or disliked; not being valued by people you care about.
  • Discovering that you are powerless or helpless.
  • Being with someone else who is sad, hurt, or in pain
  • Reading about other people’s problems or troubles in the world.

Interpretations that prompt feelings of sadness:

  • Believing that a separation from someone will last for a long time or will never end
  • Believing that you are worthless or not valuable
  • Believing that you will not get what you want or need in your life.
  • Hopeless beliefs

Experiencing the emotion of sadness:

  • Feeling tired, run-down, or low in energy
  • Feeling lethargic, listless; wanting to stay in bed all day
  • Feeling as if nothing is pleasurable anymore
  • Feeling a pain or hollowness in your chest or gut
  • Feeling empty
  • Crying, tears, whimpering
  • Feeling as if you can’t stop trying; feeling that if you ever start crying you will never be able to stop.
  • Difficulty swallowing
  • Breathlessness
  • Dizziness

Expressing and acting on sadness:

  • Frowning, not smiling
  • Eyes drooping
  • Sitting or lying around; being inactive
  • Making slow, shuffling movements
  • A slumped, drooping posture
  • Withdrawing from social contact
  • Talking a little or not at all
  • Using a low, quiet, slow, or monotonous voice
  • Saying sad things
  • Giving up and no longer trying to improve.
  • Moping, brooding, or acting moody
  • Talking to someone about sadness

After-effects of sadness:

  • Feeling irritable, touchy, or grouchy
  • Having a negative outlook; thinking only about the negative side of things
  • Blaming or criticizing yourself
  • Remembering or imagining other times you were sad or other losses.
  • Hopeless Attitude
  • Not being able to remember happy things
  • Fainting spells
  • Nightmares
  • Insomnia
  • Appetite disturbance, indigestion
  • Yearning and searching for the thing lost
  • Depersonalization, dissociative experiences, numbness, or shock
  • Anger, shame, fear, or other negative emotions

Also in this series:

Ways to describe emotions- Anger

RESOURCE: DBT ways to describe emotions. ANGER

20 May

ANGER Words

  • Anger
  • Aggravation
  • Agitation
  • Annoyance
  • Bitterness
  • Contempt
  • Cruelty
  • Destructiveness
  • Disgust
  • Dislike
  • Envy
  • Exasperation 
  • Ferocity
  • Frustration
  • Fury
  • Grouchiness 
  • Grumpiness
  • Hate
  • Hostility
  • Irritation
  • Jealousy
  • Loathing
  • Mean-spiritedness
  • Outrage
  • Rage
  • Resentment
  • Revulsion
  • Scorn
  • Spite
  • Torment
  • Vengefulness 
  • Wrath

Prompting events for feeling anger

  • Losing power, status, or respect
  • Being insulted
  • Not having things turn out the way you expected
  • Experiencing emotional or physical pain
  • Being threatened with physical or emotional pain by someone or something
  • Having an important or pleasurable activity interrupted, postponed, or stopped
  • Not obtaining something you want, which another person has. 

Interpretations that prompt feelings of anger

  • Expecting pain
  • Feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly
  • Believing things should be different.
  • Rigidly thinking, “I’m right”
  • Judging that the situation is illegitimate, wrong, or unfair. 
  • Ruminating about the event that set off the anger in the first place. 

Experiencing the emotion of anger

  • Feeling incoherent 
  • Feeling out of control
  • Feeling extremely emotional 
  • Feeling tightness or rigidity in your body
  • Feeling your face flush or get hot
  • Feeling nervous tension, anxiety, or discomfort
  • Feeling like you are going to explode. 
  • Muscles tightening
  • Teeth clamped together, mouth tightening
  • Crying, being unable to stop tears
  • Wanting to hit, bang the wall, throw something, blow up. 

Expressing and Acting on anger

  • Frowning or not smiling, mean or unpleasant facial expression 
  • Gritting or showing your teeth in an unfriendly manner
  • Grinning
  • A red or flushed face
  • Verbally attacking the cause of your anger, criticizing
  • Physically attacking the cause of your anger
  • Using obscenities or cursing
  • Using a loud voice, yelling, screaming, or shouting 
  • Complaining  or bitching talking about how lousy things are. 
  • Clenching your hands or fists
  • Making aggressive or threatening gestures
  • Pounding on something, throwing things, breaking things
  • Walking heavily or stomping, slamming doors, walking out
  • Brooding or withdrawing from contact with others

After effects of anger

  • Narrowing of attention
  • Attending only to the situation that made you angry
  • Ruminating about the situation that made you angry and not being able to think of anything else. 
  • Remembering or ruminating about other situations that have made you angry in the past. 
  • Imagining future situations that will make you angry
  • Depersonalization, dissociative experiences, numbness
  • Intense shame, fear, or other negative emotions. 

Resource: Breaking Down Emotional Walls

28 Sep

I read this awesome article from PsychCentral about braking down Emotional Walls and how they form to protect us in childhood when we deal with emotional neglect.  I really recommend checking out the full article here.

Here are Five Steps to Breaking Down Your Wall:

  1. Open up: Override the unspoken childhood rule DON’T TALK. Identify the trustworthy people in your life, and talk to them about difficult things in your life and difficult things in their lives. Talk about things you never would have before. Be vulnerable. Talk, talk, and talk some more.
  2. Make friends with your emotions: Several times each day, close your eyes, focus inward, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”  Pay attention to how you feel about things, and listen to those feelings. Know that your feelings matter. If the feelings that come up are difficult to handle, please find a trained therapist to support and help you learn to tolerate and manage them.
  3. Take your own needs seriously: Override the unspoken childhood rule DON’T ASK. Tell the people in your life when you need help or support. And then let them help you.
  4. Let people in: Fill your life with quality people. Meaningful relationships are a primary source of richness, connection and meaning in life.
  5. Get to know who you are: Pay attention to everything about yourself. What do you love, dislike, excel at, struggle with? What is important to you? What are your values? What do you care about? Once you see the full picture of who you are, you will see your value and worth, and you will feel stronger.

Overall irritated

2 Sep

I went camping this weekend with some friends from high school. By the time Friday came around I was having a horrible day and wished I could back out but couldn’t. I got Friday under control with the help of some people. We left Saturday and I slept most of the drive. The whole trip I didn’t have much energy or the enjoyable spirit depression steals from you. Sat I was annoyed some things I had counted on them bringing, because they said they would, they didn’t bring. It was raining. And my mood. I tried to put it aside for the most part and started emailing blogger friend 2. I also was snap chatting 20 something’s friend. It was one of those situations where people are around you and you feel so lonely. I tried to just let it go and have a good time. Sunday was overall a pretty good day, but looking back at the post it was all due to my effort. Which I guess should make me feel better but really just upsets me. Monday the day we went home was really the disaster. I’d been stressing all weekend (and mentioned it numerous times) that I had a French quiz I needed to study for that was early Tuesday morning. I forgot my book to study and throughout the trip when ever I was feeling like I wasn’t having fun or was annoyed I just felt guilty. Which added to the bad feelings. Anyways, enough ranting.

Also I threw up on the way home, combo of car sickness and emotions, and now remember why I use to throw up if I couldn’t cut. The bile taste and burning in the back of the throat represents how I feel and perceive myself as a person.

7 Things to know about internal borderlines

22 Aug
        It has come to my attention that people like lists posts like “5 things…”  So here is 7 Things to know about internal borderlines.  I coined the term internal borderline a while back after frequently hearing people refer to themselves a quiet borderlines so here is a little more of an explanation on what I mean by the term.  BTW: this is based on my own personal experience

brain

  1. Internal borderlines have most of the criteria for borderline personality disorder (BPD) going on inside with their thoughts and emotions.
  2. Some internal borderlines won’t be diagnosed for a while because a lot of the symptoms are hidden but they are in psych services usually for anxiety or some type of mood disorder (depression or bipolar.)
  3.  If an internal borderline self harms it is usually hidden and kept secret.
  4. Internal borderlines may obsess about the abandonment issue but often don’t consciously let the other people know they are terrified of it.  An example of this is, in my head with my frantic efforts I try to plan out every which possible way someone could reject me or abandon me and how to stop it.  I think my insecurity would be a reason people would want to abandon me or reject me.
  5. The chronic feelings of emptiness, loneliness, or meaninglessness are rarely expressed and often though of as only happening to them.
  6. The anger is directed inward, for me when angry I used to self harm so I wouldn’t explode at people but couldn’t feel the intolerable emotion of anger.
  7. Often times the identity disturbance is not noticeable to outsiders.  People who are internal borderlines may struggle with questions of “who am I?” and a lot of self doubt but they may not express it outwardly.

I guess writing is healthier

12 Aug

BAND AIDS

Sadness. Anger, Jealousy, Fear.  There all emotions that people experience to different degrees on a near daily basis.  They say people with BPD experience emotions more intensely, but I know within other mental illnesses that I experience certain emotions vary in intensity.  My anxieties are different intensities and manifestations of fear.  My depression is with sadness.

With mental illness awareness being more talked about.  I often hear people saying things (or more annoyingly) posting on Facebook things that imply mental illness.  I tend to be on the more severe end of the spectrum on my intensities of emotions, other than paranoia and anger (towards others.)  I hear and see these things and I get upset and angry.  I know most these people have no idea the amount some people suffer and how their words/posts may be taken.  Granted they could be hiding it just as well, but if they were trying to hide it I wouldn’t think they would make those comments/posts.

Sometimes I just want to smack people or tell them off online.  Make them feel horrible for their words/posts when others are suffering so much more.  To tell them what it is really like… how bad things are in my head.  But I’m not that type of person.  It’s gotten to the point where I avoid certain people or hide their posts on Facebook.  It seems insensitive and ignorant, though I know most mean no harm.

Today has been a day where I’ve been assaulted by fear, anger, and most of all sadness in it’s many varieties and intensities.  I’m trying to figure out to do with my life because I can say in all honesty, I can’t go on like this much longer.  Nothing seems like a viable solution.  I’m tired of the bandaids, but I feel so broken I’m not sure there is anything else.

WordPress Prompt: Unsafe Containers

3 Jun

WordPress Daily Prompt 6/3/14: Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

I’m pretty good at hiding my emotions but I would say I can’t contain my doubt.  Once the doubt starts it multiplies so fast and goes round and round in my head till everything is so mixed up.

The battle wages on

5 May

battle

9am- I just want to give up.  I’ve been fighting this for nearly 2 decades.  I’m tired.  I’m losing hope.  I want to take something and just sleep.  It’s just the same thing over and over, with small breaks of okayness.  I’m not worth fighting for.  I could go on and on about all the bad things about me, why I don’t like me and why I think no one else does/should either.  About being sad and a burden, who would want to be around that?  Desiring connection, but too scared and hopeless to pursue anything.  Thinking about not signing up for summer classes, fading away and then when there is nothing to keep me anymore, I won’t have guilt.  I don’t even want to go to Disneyland, I think I will be let down and a waste of time and money and I’ll just feel bad.  I’m trying to hope and make plans and just hope these feelings go away; but I don’t believe it.  It’s hard to keep this up.  Losing hope and the motivation.  The depression gets bigger and stomps out what little hope is left.  The battle wages on.

3pm- Partial is over for the day.  I woke up not even wanting to go, thinking about how I wish I had their number so I could call and say I was sick.  Suicidal, hopeless, and feeling some sort of desperation.  I got up and went anyways, because that is what I do.  I will not give up half halfheartedly, when I am done I will be done.  As you can tell by my prior writing what sort of mind set I was in.  We mostly talked about communication today, I will post at least one resource a little later.  While my main issue right now is more with emotions than communication I got some hope out of today.  Like I mentioned prior I’ve been fighting this for 2 decades, so I have heard a lot of the same stuff.  A very common topic taught is assertiveness and I messages or I statements… the “I feel…  When you…. Because… And I want…” I swear nearly every program I have every been in has taught some form of this at least once.  The plus side was today we learned that was the “feelings oriented” version of the I statement and there is an “action oriented” version which is good to use for people who don’t care about your feelings.  While, like I said, I’m not struggling so much with communication it was refreshing to learn that I haven’t heard it all and it made me feel a little better.  Still extremely depressed but now there is a small reason to not give up and continue with treatment. A huge impulse right now is to cut off contact and support, which includes treatment and other things, so I could give up entirely and permanently without guilt; this was thwarted by the learning of “action oriented” I statements.  A small victory in the continuing war.  The battle wages on.